Name: Bill Burr Has Anger Management Issues | David Letterman
Uploaded: 2024-11-11T16:00:14.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr Has Anger Management Issues | David Letterman' from Letterman on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-11-11. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr Has Anger Management Issues | David Letterman' from Letterman on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-11-11. Transcript available.

All right, thank you, thank you, thank you.
So, I've been battling with my girlfriend lately.
You know, she's really into watching reality TV.
You know, those shows where they stick, like, ten whores in a house.
Somebody tries to find a wife, you know?
Yeah, with the Botox faces all yanked back.
It's unreal. Why would you get a facelift?
You know, can't you look at other facelifts
and realize they haven't worked all the bugs out yet?
You know, is that what you want to look like?
Like you lost a fight three days ago?
Every day for the rest of your life?
I don't get it. I understand liposuction.
All right, if they screw that up, you can put on a shirt.
But people, there's no shirt for your face.
So, do yourself a favor.
If you're thinking about getting a facelift, just wait it out.
Let them practice on other people's faces.
It's like hair plugs.
Hair plugs don't look half bad now.
I saw this commercial the other night.
The guy's like, "Oh, God, I wish I did this ten years ago."
It's like, "No, you don't."
Ten years ago, ten years ago when they were stapling ant legs
to the top of people's heads.
Everybody's eyes watering, trying not to look at your hairline.
Like, "Is that sewn in? It looks horrific."
Now, you gotta be happy with, like, who you are.
There's nothing wrong with being 45 and looking 45.
Right?
What would you rather be?
Would you rather be 45 and look 45 or be 20--
uh, be 45 and look like a 28-year-old lizard?
Thank you.
So, I, uh, I haven't drank in ten months.
Ten months.
No, no, don't clap, don't clap, don't clap.
I'm not enjoying it.
I'm not.
I don't know what happened.
I thought the clouds were gonna part,
food was gonna taste better.
I'm just bored.
I remember every second of this year.
It's brutal.
I don't know what to do with myself.
Oh, my shirts are folded, the bed's made.
Just sitting around waiting for Christmas.
So, I've been driving my girl nuts with this
'cause I got all this free time now,
and, uh, I've been trying to learn how to fix stuff around the house.
She doesn't like it 'cause she says I have a temper.
You know?
She's like, "Every time you try to fix stuff, you get upset,
"you start shouting, you punch the wall,
"the dogs start shaking."
I just don't think it's a good idea.
I'm trying to explain to her that flipping out
is part of the process of fixing something.
Right?
Yeah.
Everybody does it.
Everybody does it.
You buy something at IKEA,
you get halfway through putting it together,
and all of a sudden, you're like,
"Where's the last screw?
"They didn't get me last screw!
"Oh, you gotta be...
"Oh, there it is.
"There it is.
"There it is.
"All right.
"Honey, I didn't see it.
"What, you want to put it together?
"Well, then you put it together!"
Oh, that's how my dad used to do it.
That's how my dad always did it.
I don't care what he was putting together,
by the end of it, he was yelling about his marriage.
He was.
Most guys would've left by now!
Most guys would've left by now!
Most guys would've left by now!
Yeah, that was one of my dad's catchphrases.
Most guys would've left by now,
and you don't know how good you got it, lady!
Yeah, when I was a kid, I thought my dad was crazy.
Then I got older, I started dating,
and I realized, "Yeah, he was making a lot of good points!"
So, no, my girl's right.
I really have to work on my temper, you know?
It's screwing up the dog.
It is.
We rescued a pit bull,
which is basically like owning, like, a teenage lion, you know?
And I didn't realize that dogs,
like, they feed off your vibes.
Like, if you're chilling, they're chilling.
If you're sleeping, they're sleeping.
But if you're a psycho like me,
and you're screaming at the ref on TV,
like, "You gotta be kidding me!"
I didn't realize the dog was over in the corner
being like, "Yeah, you gotta be kidding me."
Yeah, so I've been working with this trainer.
He's teaching me all this stuff.
Like, I didn't even realize,
even if you play with them,
when you bring that energy up,
you gotta bring it back down again.
I had no idea.
Like, I love wrestling with my dog, right?
Put her in her front face lock,
I'm sweeping her front legs, you know?
We're having a great time.
I never noticed that game seven look
she was getting on her face.
So then I'd get tired and be like,
"All right, let's go for a walk."
We're going outside.
Mentally, I'm chilling, but mentally,
the dog is, like, walking through the tunnel
at the Rose Bowl, like,
"This is what we played for!"
"Somebody hit somebody!"
All right, I'm gonna tell you about that.
Thank you very much.
Thank you very much.