Name: Our Favorite Santa Claus Moments | David Letterman
Uploaded: 2024-12-17T16:07:21.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Our Favorite Santa Claus Moments | David Letterman' from Letterman on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-12-17. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Our Favorite Santa Claus Moments | David Letterman' from Letterman on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-12-17. Transcript available.

you know it's the it's the day after christmas so what we're going to be doing
tonight all night
long we're going to be getting rid of the accumulation of christmas stuff you
know how
during the holidays paul magically unexplainably the house starts to fill up
with stuff you don't
really need ridiculous don't really care about don't really want so tonight
ladies and gentlemen
right here all night long we're going to start getting rid of some of that
accumulation turn
on the camera here we go up to the what floor is that that's the seventh floor
of the ed sullivan
theater building and assisting us tonight and getting rid of our holiday
accumulation
it's our old buddy santa santa how are you to survive the holidays yeah dave it
was great
all right now santa what are you going to get rid of before us first tonight uh
first i'm going to get
rid of a trash can full of christmas ornaments trash can full of christmas
ornaments here we go santa
be very very very careful
let's take a look at that now in slow motion instant replay here we go let's
take another look oh it's
beautiful it's majestic it's exciting isn't it
hey hal do me a favor turn on the external camera so we can play can a guy in a
bear suit
try on santa set this is uh that's over there on fifth avenue this is part of
uh rockefeller plaza and
look at all those cabs look at all the uh christmas shoppers the merrymakers
the folks from out of town
and there should be sidewalk santas everywhere i see one there in the middle
left-hand side of the
screen a sidewalk santa now all we have to do is locate the guy in the bear
suit wouldn't it be funny
if there were more than one guy in a bear suit why don't i oh there is there's
a guy in a bear suit
we're playing tonight can a guy in a bear suit try on hanta's hanta's santa's
hat here we go
the initial exchange there they're shaking hands that's a good sign peace in
our time they're reaching
some accord take off the hat and the entire beard disappears and a guy gonna
hit him across the snout
with the bell wait a minute gonna give him a nice kiss here i think whoa santa's
getting a little friendly
all right you're you're a lovely woman where are you from upstate you're from
up around albany aren't
you ma'am no the answer is now wait a minute oh i guess not can a guy in a bear
suit get run down by a
crosstown bus here boy he just blends right into the pavement doesn't he where
did he go if you're just
joining us ladies and gentlemen where the hell have you been and also we'll be
playing can a guy in a bear
suit try on sentence oh i see he's going across the street going to try another
santa uh the first
santa the first encounter was negative no and let's see here we go there's the
bear there's santa
and he's whispering in santa's ear i'm trying your hat santa no not the hat
come on come on come on come on come on come on come on santa it's christmas
come on it's a guy in a bear
and he's going to be a bear suit yeah yes sir ray the answer is absolutely here's
tonight's top 10 list let's go
so
now a little bit later on in the program ladies and gentlemen and you promised
you
kids promised all week long our switchboard has been flooded
we will have two beautiful women and a giant fan
the category tonight top 10 things you don't want to hear from a guy dressed as
santa
you have to be careful it's a great time of year but you have to exercise a
little bit of caution
because if face it anybody can rent the suit and dress up that's right not
every santa you see will
actually be affiliated with the north pole yes uh so for tonight's top 10 list
we sent a guy dressed as
santa to the streets of new york city with a hidden camera
uh top 10 things you don't want to hear from a guy dressed as santa number 10
here we go
all i want for christmas is a handful of vicodin what what number nine maybe
this christmas someone
will give you a shirt that's not that ugly wow look out ouch number eight what
do you want for
christmas what do i want my two friends i really don't care number seven feel
my beard it's a hundred
percent squirrel yeah it's a hundred percent squirrel and number six my rabbi
said i'm going
to hell for wearing this uh number five ho ho ho now that's not that's not nice
that's not what you
want to hear number four i may not be the real santa but that doesn't mean i
haven't seen you while
you're sleeping what what is that man talking about number three enjoy the last
christmas before we all
get nuked by the north koreans hey wait a minute uh number two hey handsome how
are you man meet me
under the mistletoe in ten minutes all right look out and the number one thing
you don't want to hear
from a guy dressed as santa hey for a hundred bucks i'll let you unwrap me
there you go
but i have a lot of pressure uh with my son because i'm not sure whether santa
claus has left
him or not and so every year we have to put on a little thing we write the note
to santa and then
we leave out carrots for the reindeer and so then i bust up the carrots and
throw them around the
house and step on them yeah right like there was actual reindeer in the house
yeah we did little
footprints we took the dog and you feel like oh my god is if i don't do
something correct is this
going to smash the little kid so this year i just was tired of the whole thing
so i you know the the
fence the the screen you put over the fireplace yeah i just kicked it over and
that works it's like
yeah oh it looks like santa had a little trouble with the fireplace but it's
the the pressure can get
to you the pressure also because when they get smart enough to really be a good
judge of handwriting
because santa often writes back to my kids i don't know if that happens but santa's
writing sometimes
is you know yeah yeah you know what i'm saying yeah it's like you have a a
grapho an analysis in your
house particularly when you get around 10 years old they really start you know
well my son asked
questions like at what speed does your sleigh travel oh crap so then you put a
speed of light
speed of light that shut him up for a year let's go back up to the seventh
floor of the ed sullivan
theater building santa what are you going to dump for us now sir i have
balloons filled with sour egg
no balloons filled with sour eggnog take it away santa here we go out of the
seventh floor of the ed
sullivan theater building into the night sky
yeah once again now on slow motion instant replay here we go the balloons
filled with sour eggnog take a
look
okay one more we have time for one more item before we have to do a commercial
we have a wonderful show
tonight all right santa what is it now sir an aquarium full of guacamole an
aquarium you know how it is
during the holidays somebody drops by with an aquarium full of guacamole you
don't really want it you don't
really need it time to put the pitch on it there you go santa
the category top 10 things you don't want to hear on christmas morning
many things you do hear many things you have a reasonable explanation to hear
there are some that
you don't want to hear a lot of things you want to hear exactly yeah certainly
you get up the presents
or downstairs that's oh santa santa was here last night oh that's it we want to
hear that's an example
of a thing you want to hear here are things now that you don't want to hear not
want to
you do not want to hear on christmas morning i'm glad we cleared that up
uh number 10 i'm going shopping for your present do you prefer pepperoni or
extra cheese
number nine i love the smell of a roaring fire i just wish we had a fireplace
uh number eight wow you got fat
number seven get it it's an empty box it's conceptual number six
how can we enjoy christmas knowing scarlett johansson and ryan reynolds have
separated
uh number five i'm greg care for some greg nog now didn't we do that joke like
two weeks ago who
checks these things who is checking that's what i want to know who checks these
things ladies and
gentlemen number four hey grandma your whiskers and giant belly make you look
like santa you don't
want to want to hear that for sure yeah another big hand for grandma that's jesus
snooki and grandma
all equivalent uh number three what time does the mall open so i can return
this crap ad number two
go back to bed kids we're atheists uh and the number one thing you don't want
to hear on christmas
morning i got your giants tickets let's talk a little bit about uh your holiday
memories did you
ever you must have at some point in your life for one festive festivity or
another dressed up santa
claus put on a show or something what was the occasion only once when my son chris
who now has children
of his own adorable grandchildren of mine when he was just a little kid about
two three maybe four
i was santa claus now we were in california in a heat wave at christmas and i
put this thing on that
i got from western costume with the hat the beard and it i was hot when i was
just in my skivvies let
alone with the big pillow inside you know and the fat thing and and the boots
and the track the whole
magilla so in i came i didn't come down a chimney no i couldn't have fit anyway
i came in through the
backyard i did my bit for about an hour i came out of the rose bushes and uh in
i came there with an
avocado from the avocado tree i mean it's very very traditional and in i came
played with the kids and
we had the little presents and they all opened them and everything and now it's
time for santa to go and
the kids say no as i started to go out the front door i said i gotta go meet my
sleigh no no no no
please stay and so forth to find the long and short of it is that i finally i
was dying in the heat and
ready to faint so i started to run every damn one of the kids chris included
took off after me like
they were shot out of a gun and i'm running down the street it was over a
hundred degrees outside and i'm in
this outfit it really was a heat wave honest to god so that was it for you this
was it i got all the way
down to sunset boulevard and tender at the corner and i looked back my god
there were only 100 yards
behind me screaming and hollering wait for us come on come here sata and so
forth and then one of the
guys who was there was biff elliott a friend of mine he had a little volkswagen
i see the volkswagen
because there was a lot of people visiting in on the houses so he had parked
all the way down on the
corner i see the volkswagen so i duck quick around the corner and pile into the
volkswagen into the
back of it and close the door and humped down as much as i could inside the
book i think i was bigger
than the volkswagen was wouldn't you know they found me and they're not all
over me in the volkswagen the
kids in and i didn't dare get in a regular-sized car be somebody else's car who
is this guy in the
back seats santa claus in my car you know yeah so i had to get in the volkswagen
and so that's the
last time that i ever tried still and all it's a very very lovely christmas
story god bless you
and people driving by it must have looked like santa was being kidnapped he's
all hunched over in the back
of a car all right let's go back up to the seventh floor now and see what santa's
going to toss hi
santa boy you just missed some lovely christmas carols i'm sorry you couldn't
be here for that
i'm sorry what do you have for us now santa i have week old gift wrapped melons
you know i don't know
where this tradition began but years and years ago somebody decided that melons
were the ideal christmas
gift well where'd that come i don't know and as a result now you get crates and
crates of melons
every christmas don't you here now week old gift wrap melons here we go take it
away santa
all right why don't you take a look at the slow motion here we got applause for
a commercial when
we come back stupid human tricks ladies a couple of days ago uh i had an
opportunity to go out to lunch
with a half a dozen eight or nine sidewalk department store santa claus guys
yeah here in new york city
we went to uh the second avenue deli down at second avenue and 10th avenue
second avenue and 10th street
wonderful wonderful restaurant and we just sat around and we told stories about
the holidays watch
and where do you work bloomingdale's right here in the city oh man that's a
pretty good gig isn't it
and what sort of uh unusual things happen to you in this job i'm sitting up
here uh getting my picture
taken with a little kid i'm trying to hold him got him around the neck every
which way
yeah and to retaliate he sets his teeth oh right in there right bite your bite
your fur right here in
the following reenactment the part of the child will be played by richard simmons
i'm gonna bend the
and who would you like him oh so many things i would like a barbie doll and i'd
like the new barbie
house i'm like ken i like all of ken's friends wait a minute you can't have all
that i can't
what kind of things have been thrown at you
well what kind of things have been thrown at you cheeseburger well we have this
one and we have
another one here it's the hamburger because all day long with french fries i
know you get candy but you
don't get fries big balls of gum gum balls for santa yes he's gotta have gumballs
wrestle
anything memorable happen to you as santa i had a an unusual request from a
from a young man probably
about every bit of four or five years old he said you can't you can't put the
gifts under the tree this
year last year the gifts were put under the tree my favorite gift was there i
got down
looking at it and nana was coming down the steps as nana goes to step off the
last step
she does a header into the christmas tree which in turn as this young man
described it proceeded to
smash his race car set that was there into pieces all over the floor the part
of nana will be played by
richard simmons i don't know i'm a little confused i don't exactly know what
you want me to do you
just gotta fall onto this box fall onto the box yeah the part of nana will be
played by richard simmons
i'm afraid i'm not i'm not a stunt man okay if you want to get chuck morris or
somebody please do it
you know at the late show we have our own late show santa claus leonard here he
comes
and all night long we're getting rid of the accumulated christmas stuff
christmas accumulation uh-huh that's what i'm trying to say let's go up there
is santa still
up on the uh seventh floor hey santa how are you buddy hi
santa looks at me like you dropped a couple of pounds you've been on some kind
of diet you got
one of them butt masters and what are you doing i'm i'm working on it dave and
a boy santa what
do you got there for us now i have a large christmas fruitcake the large christmas
fruitcake boy
man does that look good are you sure santa are you sure we want to throw that
out it looks so
there it looks so good are you sure you want to pitch it uh yeah okay you would
know better than i santa
all right take it away the giant holiday fruitcake out the window
that's about right that's just about right we're going to see it again look at
it again see what
that looks like in slow motion here we go the giant holiday fruitcake oh the
only thing that broke here
was the plate
wow uh the category tonight the top 10 things a department store santa does not
want to hear from
the kids this is a a long difficult uh job that these uh people do and it's a
it's a lovely service
for the for the boys and girls to go visit santa but there are certain things
that they don't want
to hear we have a list now thank you we have a list now of things that you as a
department store santa
does not want to hear from the kids here we go number 10. remember me i'm the
kid with the weak
bladder that's right number nine you smell like supermarket gin supermarket gin
number eight
the real miracle on 34th street would be if they accepted my mama's mastercard
exactly that would be
a miracle uh number seven i wanted 2004 pontiac asset okay number six oh by the
way yes i'm gonna
next box i'm gonna hunt you down old man uh-huh doesn't really seem to be
keeping with the holiday
spirit number five okay thank you sir number four i love you kenny rogers that's
sweet number three
frankly i'm just here to humor my parents okay we understand number two while i'm
talking to you
my mom's shoplifting loudly and the number one thing a department store santa
doesn't want to hear from kids
mom says you're my real daddy

Our Favorite Santa Claus Moments | David Letterman

you know it's the it's the day after christmas so what we're going to be doing
tonight all night
long we're going to be getting rid of the accumulation of christmas stuff you
know how
during the holidays paul magically unexplainably the house starts to fill up
with stuff you don't
really need ridiculous don't really care about don't really want so tonight
ladies and gentlemen
right here all night long we're going to start getting rid of some of that
accumulation turn
on the camera here we go up to the what floor is that that's the seventh floor
of the ed sullivan
theater building and assisting us tonight and getting rid of our holiday
accumulation
it's our old buddy santa santa how are you to survive the holidays yeah dave it
was great
all right now santa what are you going to get rid of before us first tonight uh
first i'm going to get
rid of a trash can full of christmas ornaments trash can full of christmas
ornaments here we go santa
be very very very careful
let's take a look at that now in slow motion instant replay here we go let's
take another look oh it's
beautiful it's majestic it's exciting isn't it
hey hal do me a favor turn on the external camera so we can play can a guy in a
bear suit
try on santa set this is uh that's over there on fifth avenue this is part of
uh rockefeller plaza and
look at all those cabs look at all the uh christmas shoppers the merrymakers
the folks from out of town
and there should be sidewalk santas everywhere i see one there in the middle
left-hand side of the
screen a sidewalk santa now all we have to do is locate the guy in the bear
suit wouldn't it be funny
if there were more than one guy in a bear suit why don't i oh there is there's
a guy in a bear suit
we're playing tonight can a guy in a bear suit try on hanta's hanta's santa's
hat here we go
the initial exchange there they're shaking hands that's a good sign peace in
our time they're reaching
some accord take off the hat and the entire beard disappears and a guy gonna
hit him across the snout
with the bell wait a minute gonna give him a nice kiss here i think whoa santa's
getting a little friendly
all right you're you're a lovely woman where are you from upstate you're from
up around albany aren't
you ma'am no the answer is now wait a minute oh i guess not can a guy in a bear
suit get run down by a
crosstown bus here boy he just blends right into the pavement doesn't he where
did he go if you're just
joining us ladies and gentlemen where the hell have you been and also we'll be
playing can a guy in a bear
suit try on sentence oh i see he's going across the street going to try another
santa uh the first
santa the first encounter was negative no and let's see here we go there's the
bear there's santa
and he's whispering in santa's ear i'm trying your hat santa no not the hat
come on come on come on come on come on come on come on santa it's christmas
come on it's a guy in a bear
and he's going to be a bear suit yeah yes sir ray the answer is absolutely here's
tonight's top 10 list let's go
so
now a little bit later on in the program ladies and gentlemen and you promised
you
kids promised all week long our switchboard has been flooded
we will have two beautiful women and a giant fan
the category tonight top 10 things you don't want to hear from a guy dressed as
santa
you have to be careful it's a great time of year but you have to exercise a
little bit of caution
because if face it anybody can rent the suit and dress up that's right not
every santa you see will
actually be affiliated with the north pole yes uh so for tonight's top 10 list
we sent a guy dressed as
santa to the streets of new york city with a hidden camera
uh top 10 things you don't want to hear from a guy dressed as santa number 10
here we go
all i want for christmas is a handful of vicodin what what number nine maybe
this christmas someone
will give you a shirt that's not that ugly wow look out ouch number eight what
do you want for
christmas what do i want my two friends i really don't care number seven feel
my beard it's a hundred
percent squirrel yeah it's a hundred percent squirrel and number six my rabbi
said i'm going
to hell for wearing this uh number five ho ho ho now that's not that's not nice
that's not what you
want to hear number four i may not be the real santa but that doesn't mean i
haven't seen you while
you're sleeping what what is that man talking about number three enjoy the last
christmas before we all
get nuked by the north koreans hey wait a minute uh number two hey handsome how
are you man meet me
under the mistletoe in ten minutes all right look out and the number one thing
you don't want to hear
from a guy dressed as santa hey for a hundred bucks i'll let you unwrap me
there you go
but i have a lot of pressure uh with my son because i'm not sure whether santa
claus has left
him or not and so every year we have to put on a little thing we write the note
to santa and then
we leave out carrots for the reindeer and so then i bust up the carrots and
throw them around the
house and step on them yeah right like there was actual reindeer in the house
yeah we did little
footprints we took the dog and you feel like oh my god is if i don't do
something correct is this
going to smash the little kid so this year i just was tired of the whole thing
so i you know the the
fence the the screen you put over the fireplace yeah i just kicked it over and
that works it's like
yeah oh it looks like santa had a little trouble with the fireplace but it's
the the pressure can get
to you the pressure also because when they get smart enough to really be a good
judge of handwriting
because santa often writes back to my kids i don't know if that happens but santa's
writing sometimes
is you know yeah yeah you know what i'm saying yeah it's like you have a a
grapho an analysis in your
house particularly when you get around 10 years old they really start you know
well my son asked
questions like at what speed does your sleigh travel oh crap so then you put a
speed of light
speed of light that shut him up for a year let's go back up to the seventh
floor of the ed sullivan
theater building santa what are you going to dump for us now sir i have
balloons filled with sour egg
no balloons filled with sour eggnog take it away santa here we go out of the
seventh floor of the ed
sullivan theater building into the night sky
yeah once again now on slow motion instant replay here we go the balloons
filled with sour eggnog take a
look
okay one more we have time for one more item before we have to do a commercial
we have a wonderful show
tonight all right santa what is it now sir an aquarium full of guacamole an
aquarium you know how it is
during the holidays somebody drops by with an aquarium full of guacamole you
don't really want it you don't
really need it time to put the pitch on it there you go santa
the category top 10 things you don't want to hear on christmas morning
many things you do hear many things you have a reasonable explanation to hear
there are some that
you don't want to hear a lot of things you want to hear exactly yeah certainly
you get up the presents
or downstairs that's oh santa santa was here last night oh that's it we want to
hear that's an example
of a thing you want to hear here are things now that you don't want to hear not
want to
you do not want to hear on christmas morning i'm glad we cleared that up
uh number 10 i'm going shopping for your present do you prefer pepperoni or
extra cheese
number nine i love the smell of a roaring fire i just wish we had a fireplace
uh number eight wow you got fat
number seven get it it's an empty box it's conceptual number six
how can we enjoy christmas knowing scarlett johansson and ryan reynolds have
separated
uh number five i'm greg care for some greg nog now didn't we do that joke like
two weeks ago who
checks these things who is checking that's what i want to know who checks these
things ladies and
gentlemen number four hey grandma your whiskers and giant belly make you look
like santa you don't
want to want to hear that for sure yeah another big hand for grandma that's jesus
snooki and grandma
all equivalent uh number three what time does the mall open so i can return
this crap ad number two
go back to bed kids we're atheists uh and the number one thing you don't want
to hear on christmas
morning i got your giants tickets let's talk a little bit about uh your holiday
memories did you
ever you must have at some point in your life for one festive festivity or
another dressed up santa
claus put on a show or something what was the occasion only once when my son chris
who now has children
of his own adorable grandchildren of mine when he was just a little kid about
two three maybe four
i was santa claus now we were in california in a heat wave at christmas and i
put this thing on that
i got from western costume with the hat the beard and it i was hot when i was
just in my skivvies let
alone with the big pillow inside you know and the fat thing and and the boots
and the track the whole
magilla so in i came i didn't come down a chimney no i couldn't have fit anyway
i came in through the
backyard i did my bit for about an hour i came out of the rose bushes and uh in
i came there with an
avocado from the avocado tree i mean it's very very traditional and in i came
played with the kids and
we had the little presents and they all opened them and everything and now it's
time for santa to go and
the kids say no as i started to go out the front door i said i gotta go meet my
sleigh no no no no
please stay and so forth to find the long and short of it is that i finally i
was dying in the heat and
ready to faint so i started to run every damn one of the kids chris included
took off after me like
they were shot out of a gun and i'm running down the street it was over a
hundred degrees outside and i'm in
this outfit it really was a heat wave honest to god so that was it for you this
was it i got all the way
down to sunset boulevard and tender at the corner and i looked back my god
there were only 100 yards
behind me screaming and hollering wait for us come on come here sata and so
forth and then one of the
guys who was there was biff elliott a friend of mine he had a little volkswagen
i see the volkswagen
because there was a lot of people visiting in on the houses so he had parked
all the way down on the
corner i see the volkswagen so i duck quick around the corner and pile into the
volkswagen into the
back of it and close the door and humped down as much as i could inside the
book i think i was bigger
than the volkswagen was wouldn't you know they found me and they're not all
over me in the volkswagen the
kids in and i didn't dare get in a regular-sized car be somebody else's car who
is this guy in the
back seats santa claus in my car you know yeah so i had to get in the volkswagen
and so that's the
last time that i ever tried still and all it's a very very lovely christmas
story god bless you
and people driving by it must have looked like santa was being kidnapped he's
all hunched over in the back
of a car all right let's go back up to the seventh floor now and see what santa's
going to toss hi
santa boy you just missed some lovely christmas carols i'm sorry you couldn't
be here for that
i'm sorry what do you have for us now santa i have week old gift wrapped melons
you know i don't know
where this tradition began but years and years ago somebody decided that melons
were the ideal christmas
gift well where'd that come i don't know and as a result now you get crates and
crates of melons
every christmas don't you here now week old gift wrap melons here we go take it
away santa
all right why don't you take a look at the slow motion here we got applause for
a commercial when
we come back stupid human tricks ladies a couple of days ago uh i had an
opportunity to go out to lunch
with a half a dozen eight or nine sidewalk department store santa claus guys
yeah here in new york city
we 