Name: Taylor Swift Inspires Dave | David Letterman
Uploaded: 2024-12-19T16:00:00.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Taylor Swift Inspires Dave | David Letterman' from Letterman on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-12-19. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Taylor Swift Inspires Dave | David Letterman' from Letterman on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-12-19. Transcript available.

Hi, I'm Barbara Gaines. This is Mary Barkley. This is Dave Letterman.
Hi, losers. Nice to see you. How's it going?
Welcome to our show. Don't forget to push and stuff.
Yeah, kick the deal and ring the wanger.
Mary, you got something to say today?
Yeah.
I was expecting a little bit more. It's great to be back.
We're kind of near the holiday season. Good to have everybody with us.
Mary, nice to see you. I understand I heard you out in the hallway before the
show.
You had something interesting. A little of that. Would that kill you?
Oh, no. Take two?
No, no. I kind of covered it. Let's go.
I heard you out in the hallway before the show.
You know me. Always talking loudly in the hallway.
Yeah, or in the lobby.
I have a story from my life that's pretty exciting.
Pictures.
Pictures. I got a new boiler. Is a furnace the same thing as a boiler?
I think they work hand in hand. I think the furnace heats the boiler to provide
hot water.
I think. I'm no plumber. I'm no HVAC guy.
So here's something. I just got some pictures from a lovely gentleman named
Eddie who's putting in a new oil tank and a new furnace.
Maybe boiler. You guys want to see pictures?
Yeah, let's see what you got.
Is this an oil furnace?
Yes. Oil. All brand new. There's your furnace.
See?
That's a beauty.
Yeah.
You can tell that's brand new.
Brand new.
Nice going.
Yes, shiny.
And there is your new oil tank.
Oh, yeah.
That's gorgeous.
Oh, my God. Look at the size of that thing.
Can you show the...
It's a big oil tank.
Boy, a family of six could hide in there.
Congratulations on the new furnace and the new boiler.
Thank you.
Thank you.
That is fantastic.
Well, yeah, I'm pretty proud.
I'm proud to announce it here on the show.
Exactly.
Speaking of the show...
You know what? I heard that this is the week in Vancouver that Taylor Swift
wraps up her year-and-a-half-long global tour.
Oh, the Aeros tour.
The Aeros tour.
The Aeros tour.
And the things that you hear from the world of Taylor Swift, one after another,
bigger and better than the previous.
Right.
As bonuses for the people she worked with on this tour, she's giving out the
total sum of $150 million.
$150 million.
$197.
$197.
$197.
Almost $200 million.
Closer to $200 million in bonuses.
Wow.
Two things.
This tells you the budget of that show is enormous.
Enormous is...
I think it made like $2 billion.
Yeah.
Wow.
And the answer to the question, does Taylor have a good heart?
I guess so, to the tune...
So it reminded me it's bonus time here on the Barbara Gaines Show.
Oh.
Oh.
Thanks.
Pass that over.
Yeah.
Bonus time.
A fresh 20.
Bonus time.
Here you go, Wally.
Walter.
There you go, kids.
Sweet.
Yeah, don't go crazy.
I was going to say, you know, February will be our third year.
Yeah.
It's bonus time.
You know what?
We may not be here.
I know this is all part of a joke, but I'm keeping it.
I'm keeping it, too.
Do keep it.
Are you kidding?
Kind of defray some of that boiler money.
I'm absolutely keeping it.
Yeah.
So we call this the BGS or the Barbara Gaines Show.
And I put into Google, just for fun, where can I watch the Barbara Gaines Show?
Oh, you Googled that right in.
It's like that chat GPT thing.
It was like a Google AI thing, which I've never used before.
No, me either.
And it came back, Barbara Gaines doesn't have a show.
So, again, they're batting 1,000%.
Yeah.
It said, under that, it said, however, Barbara Gaines was a longtime producer
of The Late
Show with David Letterman.
You could find clips with her on the Letterman YouTube channel.
There you go.
Close enough.
In the same neighborhood.
Sure.
The kids will be all over this.
Oh, yeah.
And then the other day, I was talking to Paul Schaefer on the phone.
And I said, hey, Paul, I'll see you.
How did he get your number?
I don't know.
How did you get his number?
Exactly.
Either way.
I said, Paul.
How did you get a phone?
The miracles happened.
I said, Paul, I'll see you soon on the BGS.
And Paul said, I don't know what that is.
Well, we're trying to get Paul now.
Yeah.
I hope he shows up soon.
Even people on the show don't know what it is.
But even with that, we've got merchandise.
Let me say one thing about the merchandise.
We unveiled our line of merchandise a couple of weeks ago, a month ago,
whenever it was.
And I have not been told this, but it's my inference of the merchandise project
that it's a failure.
Nobody is buying any of this crap.
Now, first of all, I'm on your side.
Who wants more junk in the house?
Nobody wants more junk in the house.
But you never want to...
This show could be gone in a heartbeat.
And then...
You're definitely not going to buy this.
And if it is, you're going to be thinking, oh, gosh, I wish I had something by
which to remember the Barbara Gaines show.
Now, I know I'm making that up.
But why are we wasting our time if nobody is buying this crap?
I don't know.
Why, Walter?
Hey!
Well, let's cut the prices.
What's this go for?
By the way, this is a good-looking item.
The Barbara Gaines show.
I fully endorse this one.
And on the back it says...
What does it say there?
Really close to actual entertainment.
Now, that's what somebody said about your show.
This is what my son's history teacher.
Really close to actual entertainment.
Now, wait.
Now you're going to have to give him a cut of the shirt.
He ain't getting nothing.
No one's getting a cut of the shirt.
Don't worry about him.
Even I don't get a cut of the shirt.
I'll talk to him.
You know, there's nothing that does...
So anyway, now you got all sizes?
All sizes.
And we also have one that just says BGS.
Oh, there you go.
Now, what will this run you?
What did this baby go for?
Walter?
28, I think.
28?
28.
I'll tell you what.
30 bucks, you get both.
This one and that one.
Let's throw him in.
Walter says no.
He's in charge of me.
40 bucks, you get both of them.
40 bucks, you get both of them?
I'm going to do 40.
Or how about this?
56, you get both of them.
Yeah, that's perfect.
Okay, great.
So this will be on sale on the sea down here.
You know what I do?
Yeah, leave your comments.
And your address.
And see where it is.
Everything's down here to kick the thing.
But I think a long-sleeve version of that would be nice now that we're in
winter.
Oh, that would be true.
Long-sleeve version.
Long-sleeve?
I don't know that even my cousin Marty probably won't even buy this.
What's the matter with Marty?
I don't know.
Maybe there are other Barbara Gaineses in the world who would like a shirt.
Maybe there are other people.
Oh, right.
Oh, there you go.
Those five people.
Right?
You know where you can make your money is where you customize birthday and
anniversary greetings.
Hi, it's me, Barbara, saying hi to Debbie and Ken.
Good luck, kids.
I understand.
Oh, my cameo.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Jane Hanstein sent in Dave on a rock.
Oh, boy.
And also Tiny Dave on a rock.
That's kind of nice.
This is like arts and crafts in like maybe a hospital.
A facility.
A facility.
Maybe a facility.
In a facility.
But I do like this because this is reminiscent of the line that I would always
invoke, which
I stole from Don Rickles altogether now.
I wouldn't give your troubles to a monkey on a rock.
This is the first time I heard you.
I had no idea you stole that from Don Rickles.
Really?
You didn't know that was Don?
No, I thought it was yours.
I thought it was George Miller for some reason.
No, no, no.
It was, wait a minute.
No, I think, here's what I think.
The origin was Don Rickles, George Miller popularized it with me.
I took it, so I'm third dimension.
You're borrowing from somebody who's borrowing you today.
But I think the origin was Don Rickles.
I wouldn't give your troubles to a monkey on a rock.
Oh, that's amazing.
Hey, yeah, hockey puck.
Like, it means nothing.
I know it's Don Rickles.
It means nothing, yeah.
All right.
On that note, I'm saying goodbye.
Thanks to Lydia for those.
Oh, and listen, you buy some of this crap with the BGS on it, we'll throw in
these rocks.
Yeah, okay, I'll throw in a rock.
Hey, Linda.
Yeah.
Is it Linda?
I don't know.
Jane.
Jane.
Good luck, Jane.
Thanks.
And touch the cat and squeeze the monkey.
Yeah.
What Dave said.
Yeah.
Goodbye.
Squeeze the monkey.
Yeah.
All right.
Bye.
Thanks.
Yeah.
Don't forget to watch.
Well, I thought that was lively, if not pointless.
I thought that was a good one.
I thought that was a good one.
I thought that was a good one.
I thought that was a good one.
I thought that was a good one.
I thought that was a good one.
I thought that was a good one.