Name: Dave's Favorite Holiday Traditions | David Letterman
Uploaded: 2024-12-20T16:01:02.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Dave's Favorite Holiday Traditions | David Letterman' from Letterman on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-12-20. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Dave's Favorite Holiday Traditions | David Letterman' from Letterman on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-12-20. Transcript available.

- And also, Paul, do your impression.
Now this is great.
We've done this every year.
This is a Cher, take it away.
- This is a recollection I have.
- It's a beautiful, there won't be a dry eye
in the house when he's done.
- Well, it is a childhood Christmas recollection
that I have of an episode of the Christmas episode
of the Sunny and Cher variety hour,
which would have come on, I don't know when this was,
'68, '69, somewhere in there, '70s.
And it was the Christmas show
and the guest was William Conrad.
And he had a series-- - TV's Canon.
- Canon, TV's Canon.
And he was Canon, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom.
But, you know, and then they did a big Christmas medley
and they all got drunk and Canon was like,
we got received merry gentlemen .
And it was a lot of laughs and a lot of fun.
But then it was time for Cher to get serious
and bring everything down.
The thing, everything got sort of solemn and dark
and you could hear the beautiful music in the,
yes, the beautiful classical music in the background.
Cher was going to get serious
and she was wearing a beautiful Victorian overcoat,
her hands in a muff.
What, every year, every year that gets a laugh.
I've never--
Don't blame that on me.
I don't know.
What's on the audience's mind is their own business.
But Cher's hands were in a muff
and she was wearing a Victorian overcoat.
She was underneath a beautiful street lamp
and it was snowing.
She was going to sing "Beautiful O Holy Night."
And now, it was seared into my memory,
it sounded something like this.
O Holy Night.
O Holy Night.
O Holy Night.
O Holy Night.
O Holy Night.
O Holy Night.
O Holy Night.
O Holy Night.
O Holy Night.
O Holy Night.
Yeah, okay.
How did I tell you?
O Holy Night.
O Holy Night.
That's what I remember.
O Holy Night.
O Holy Night.
O Holy Night.
O Holy Night.
O Holy Night.
O Holy Night.
O Holy Night.
O Holy Night.
O Holy Night.
Thank you, Cher.
Hey, buddy.
How you doing?
How are you?
What the hell are you doing?
Hey, hey.
That's government property.
All right.
All right.
That's enough.
That's plenty.
Okay.
All right.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Easy.
And now.
What do we do now?
Screwed up.
Screwed up.
Screwed up the equipment.
Give me a thing.
You got a thing.
You got a thing.
Okay.
Okay.
All right.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Easy.
Now.
Give me one of these cards.
Give me a card there.
We'll just squeegee that boy right off the bat.
There you go.
There you go.
I think this will be just fine.
I think this will be just fine.
All right.
All right.
Thank you.
Thank you.
You see how this camera shot looks.
looks.
This is what CBS looks like at my house.
screwed up screwed up the equipment
give me a thing you got a thing or something give me a give me one of these
cards give me a card
there we'll just squeegee that boy right off there there you go i think this
will be just fine
by the way you see how this camera shot looks this is what cbs looks like at my
house
that's the reception is this god awful i don't understand every other channel i
get a thousand
channels every other channel crystal clear except for cbs and on a good night
it looks like this
oh yes in many ways we are blessed
hey hey mom kitty got sick on me again
paint is what it is hey you know what we did last night we had the party were
you at the party last
night well yes of course i was there uh do we have the videotape of the party
take a look at this
roll this was last night at the big late show there's suham and uh beloved biff
and you know
attendance is mandatory come on get in there oh yeah um here's this is my there's
harry my son oh what
a dear little boy every oh what a kid this is todd our friend todd he's eating
good lord he's eating
tinsel why now for the jewish uh staff members they have a little party down by
the boiler room
actually yeah that's the jewish and there's joe grossman he's uh at the party
he brought the
sherman the sneezing monkey there he is oh look there's alan he's uh what a guy
standing under the
mistletoe and it turned out to be poisoned sumac now look the christmas tree
becomes self-aware and
kills shecky look at that wow it was horrible there i am having a big time i
was at the party laughing
it up again that was the late show christmas party let's see we got a lot of
stuff going on tonight you
know historically we do something when we have the christmas decorations in
here we we have uh we have
like rupert or we have a joji or we have uh mujibur and sirajul they come in
and they they kind of uh
customize our decorations with with items from the area that that are sort of
of the experience this
is our tradition that's right it's our tradition turn on one of those cameras
let's see where we're
going first turn on a camera out there oh it's the hello deli ladies and
gentlemen there it is right
over there on 53rd street hi rupert hi dave how are you rupert it's that time
of year again you know
when number 16 wow who's number 16. testaverti oh vinnie testaverti boy big day
for the jets
yesterday wasn't it yeah they screwed up oh my god are you a big jets fan yeah
big time yeah yeah
be funny if you said no not really
so do the the jets have they play baltimore next week is that what it is that's
right well and they
still actually have a chance to win the division don't they yeah if they beat
the ravens yeah and
then doesn't miami have to lose yeah how that works yeah but they make it in
the playoffs if they beat
the ravens yeah so that's all we care about we don't care about the division we
care about the
playoffs that's right were you out at the giant stadium yesterday no i wasn't
that was some game
wasn't it that was a good answer this for me you seem like a guy who knows what's
going on in the nfl
how come detroit which plays in that silver dome that little camping thing they
inflate once a week
how can they do so well on muddy turf conditions and the jets just looked feckless
their their offense just wasn't running yeah yeah
that's like talking to pop warner or amos alonzo stag uh all right now uh rupert
you uh uh you know
what we do every year you got a thing there you put on the what do you what did
you put on last year
a giant meatball a giant meatball that's right now do you have the giant meatball
standing by
yes i do okay all right now you stay right there now where we go next turn on
the next camera where
are we going to go i'll be back to you rupert oh this is joe g's let's go in to
see joe g
let's uh you know paul these people are leaving the joe g's pizzeria's closing
down
did you know that i'm sorry i was playing joe g's music i didn't hear closing
down
no joe g's is closing down yeah they're leaving joe really you're moving out is
that right
yes yes out of here when are you going uh we're going up at two blocks 56th
street
how come you're leaving this location you don't like the neighbors all right i
love the neighbor
day but we have no choice well you're getting squeezed out i guess yes so what
what's coming
in in your place i have no idea david they haven't told me i heard it was a
drugstore it was going to
be like a duane reed that's what i heard that'd be a lot of fun won't it duane
reed there what are we
going to do with a duane reed next i know well we don't we don't need prescriptions
phil we want pizza
yeah that's too bad but i'm sorry what am i date is that is that a done deal
yes it is date yeah now
who owns the building that you're in right now uh it's it's a it's a couple of
owners i don't really
know the name now is it is cbs do they own that building no then it's not cbs
are you sure positive
well let's look into this because if it's cbs boy there's going to be trouble
i think it is i think it's cbs i think i think cbs owns that building that's
the problem
not that i know dave i i don't think it's a cbs that he owns yeah well maybe
you would know
since it's your business and i'm just looking for reasons to get worked up
about cbs yeah
all right joe so now you we're getting ready to decorate the tree and then what
do you put on a
big pie right a big sloppy cheese pizza yesterday yeah okay all right get ready
because we'll come
back to you in a minute all right sure okay now that's so we got the meatball
we got the pizza let's
go see uh uh sirajul and mujibar hey boys let's go on inside
so uh we're getting ready to decorate the tree how you guys been fine dave now
are you you know you know
you know joe g's is closing down are you aware of that have you heard about
that yeah
and uh
are you are you closing down also i have no idea dave
have you heard anything about closing down you had a little bit about that yeah
but exactly i don't know
when and why are you are you worried are you nervous are you unhappy unhappy
yeah
yeah well now where will you guys where will you guys go if you're out of
business there what will
happen i don't know yet dave yeah well keep us posted because you know you've
been very good
friends to us over the years and i'm i'm concerned and nervous about what will
happen here exactly yeah
because where if you guys close down i'm telling you where will tourists where
will the citizens of new
york where will we buy inexpensive souvenirs
where will that happen
how about those jets huh
all right boys we're uh we're decorating the christmas tree you know how that
goes
yeah have you got something you want to put on the tree this year yeah i have
an impressive building
here uh-huh that's the empire state building is that what you put on last year
was it the statue
of liberty last year and best building last year so this is the same as last
year yeah yeah do you have you have like a
you have the statue of liberty that would be tree compatible that you could put
on there
i have that thing i have a taxi cab too new york free taxi
well yeah that'll be perfect
it'd be a shame if you guys go out of business
where are we going to get stuff like that um i think we better stick with the
empire state building
okay okay all right all right okay all right come on in and no fighting come on
in boys let me see you
come on in real quick here we go
oh yeah
now let's see we put the pizza on first is that what it is
the pizza on first
come on up i think you go on up first
all right put on the pizza thank you be very careful
you gotta take it off the pan
all right easy look out look out where are the regular girls
run there
thank you merry christmas nice job good luck okay
now rupert you're ready come right over here
thank you
here we go
where are the regular girls are they not here tonight
oh they're out of town well thank you very much for coming in
hey here's a tip if we have folks traveling we have tourists go over to the
radio city musical anybody been over there oh man
and they do the uh the christmas spectacular and it begins oh it's a wonderful
show anybody seen the christmas spectacular
and they have uh they have biblical animals that they bring out on stage they
have the uh
the camels and the biblical and the donkeys and then the baby jesus comes in it's
a wonderful show
and it uh begins oh labor day
and when that show is finished you know what's coming in to the radio city
musical take a look what follows the christmas watch this
the legendary the legendary radio city christmas spectacular runs through december
30th
then beginning january 3rd it's the radio city atheist spectacular featuring
all your
atheistic favorites like everything's meaningless life is random and when you
die that's it call ticketmaster now
how's that a radio gig going by the way it's going very well we had a lot of
serious xm thing people
wanted me to turn on you and throw the ball right at your head that's what i
don't know why what have
i done it's a vicious group of individuals oh my god yeah you're over there
with uh our buddy howard
howard stern i'm over there i actually do his show on fridays you do his show i
do the show on fridays
i'm like the i'm like the uh the the uh uh i don't talk a lot of sex and stuff
i don't but now you
mean i'm like the announcer with no sex you fill in for howard are you actually
just a guest on the
show i don't know what you call that i fill in i'm the howard stern of uh of friday
mornings on 101.
yeah do you do you have a studio in your home like big stars do or do you have
to go to a place
to do the show i go to a place to do the show i thought you had a big studio in
your home
i don't have a big home anymore dave well i'm sorry what do you mean whatever
god's sakes i appear
one time and this is about it for me do you ever think about me one time the
whole year except for
this i think about you all the time no you don't just want to go home that's
all i want to do now um
in addition to the uh tradition of knocking the meatball yes off the tree right
there's another part
of the tradition which i love and to me this is the best single best tv story
ever told sure by a celebrity on tv well of course
i think you're supposed to applaud now you idiots
my god i don't know what i wouldn't i wouldn't antagonize the audience now
after what we've just lived through all right
ready oh yes i am ready
i lived in charlotte north carolina when i was a disc jockey
and i used to open uh dodge dealerships uh with the lone ranger i would go
around and open dodge
the lone ranger it was the real clayton moore the actual clayton moore he took
it very seriously
he was very stoic uh we would go uh he had the guns he had the the sky blue
outfit he had the hat
he had the mask and the whole thing and and and we would stand he wouldn't tell
us many things once
i asked him if tonto really meant stupid in spanish and that's why they call
the end in tonto
and did kimo sabi mean kiss my ass in navajo
you know what it said yeah so very seriously very seriously always dressed met
the children he was
the lone ranger i was a long-haired guy my friend mike martin and i would go
behind the dumpster
during the appearance and we would get all herbed up right and we would
continue to be herbed up as the appearance went as the appearance went so as
the appearance drew to a
close we were not sure where we were what planet we were on or what what we
were doing who anybody was
and we didn't even know what car dealership we were at after a while so i was
just about to get my
old beat-up volvo to go home and it and and they didn't have a ride for the
lone ranger to get back
to the red roof in uh which was on moorhead boulevard so he turns to us and he
said could you
someone give i said we'll give you a ride back so we put him in my old beat-up
volvo
and he sits in the back and he's the lone ranger got the mask he got the mask
and the hat and the
whole thing and he had to like hold his guns to get into the car you know and
he sits in the
back of the car like this and mike and i are trying not to act stoned so we're
like
we're going about you know four miles an hour down you know we're not saying a
word we stop
it's you know five o'clock traffic this middle-aged guy in a buick in front of
us he he stopped and all
of a sudden he wants to get out of the traffic he backs into the car i can hear
my headlight
crash and he pulls away and he and he runs away and i go my god he busted my
car up so i we got
to catch it so i pull out in my volvo and i begin to chase him he got five
cylinders i'm chasing him you
know and in the back the lone ranger is just in the back like this stoic not
saying a word just in the
back like that just like that we chase this guy in the buick and we we pull in
front of him like that
and mike and i both jump out and we go hey man you crashed into our car back
there he says i did not
i said yes you did so mike gets up yes you did man so we're all saying that to
him and he says well
really why don't you call the cops who do you think they're going to believe me
or you two hippie freaks
and the lone ranger gets out of the car
and he says they'll believe me citizen
and the guy says i didn't know it was you
didn't know didn't know it was you all right we got to go over here now yeah
that's a great story
let's go over and knock the meatball off the thing sure here we go
now let's uh roll the montage here's how it all began here let's go back down
memory lane 1998 there's
uh vinnie testiverty as 1999. i can't read the thing thank you 99. look at this
unbelievable through
the years it's been 10 years 2001 bang right on the money here just with the
girls like a laser
and then last year well that was two years ago oh here's last year take a look
at last year there
you are sitting at home that's a disgrace what did i what that was me last year
at home now do i get
the throw yeah you you take three shots and then if you don't have it i'll get
in all right you're
ready all right here we go ladies gentlemen oh we got the girls again right i
stand you back good to see
good to see you how you been okay there's one everybody look out there's two
whoa man
give me one more give me one more
thank you

Dave's Favorite Holiday Traditions | David Letterman

- And also, Paul, do your impression.
Now this is great.
We've done this every year.
This is a Cher, take it away.
- This is a recollection I have.
- It's a beautiful, there won't be a dry eye
in the house when he's done.
- Well, it is a childhood Christmas recollection
that I have of an episode of the Christmas episode
of the Sunny and Cher variety hour,
which would have come on, I don't know when this was,
'68, '69, somewhere in there, '70s.
And it was the Christmas show
and the guest was William Conrad.
And he had a series-- - TV's Canon.
- Canon, TV's Canon.
And he was Canon, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom.
But, you know, and then they did a big Christmas medley
and they all got drunk and Canon was like,
we got received merry gentlemen .
And it was a lot of laughs and a lot of fun.
But then it was time for Cher to get serious
and bring everything down.
The thing, everything got sort of solemn and dark
and you could hear the beautiful music in the,
yes, the beautiful classical music in the background.
Cher was going to get serious
and she was wearing a beautiful Victorian overcoat,
her hands in a muff.
What, every year, every year that gets a laugh.
I've never--
Don't blame that on me.
I don't know.
What's on the audience's mind is their own business.
But Cher's hands were in a muff
and she was wearing a Victorian overcoat.
She was underneath a beautiful street lamp
and it was snowing.
She was going to sing "Beautiful O Holy Night."
And now, it was seared into my memory,
it sounded something like this.
O Holy Night.
O Holy Night.
O Holy Night.
O Holy Night.
O Holy Night.
O Holy Night.
O Holy Night.
O Holy Night.
O Holy Night.
O Holy Night.
Yeah, okay.
How did I tell you?
O Holy Night.
O Holy Night.
That's what I remember.
O Holy Night.
O Holy Night.
O Holy Night.
O Holy Night.
O Holy Night.
O Holy Night.
O Holy Night.
O Holy Night.
O Holy Night.
Thank you, Cher.
Hey, buddy.
How you doing?
How are you?
What the hell are you doing?
Hey, hey.
That's government property.
All right.
All right.
That's enough.
That's plenty.
Okay.
All right.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Easy.
And now.
What do we do now?
Screwed up.
Screwed up.
Screwed up the equipment.
Give me a thing.
You got a thing.
You got a thing.
Okay.
Okay.
All right.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Easy.
Now.
Give me one of these cards.
Give me a card there.
We'll just squeegee that boy right off the bat.
There you go.
There you go.
I think this will be just fine.
I think this will be just fine.
All right.
All right.
Thank you.
Thank you.
You see how this camera shot looks.
looks.
This is what CBS looks like at my house.
screwed up screwed up the equipment
give me a thing you got a thing or something give me a give me one of these
cards give me a card
there we'll just squeegee that boy right off there there you go i think this
will be just fine
by the way you see how this camera shot looks this is what cbs looks like at my
house
that's the reception is this god awful i don't understand every other channel i
get a thousand
channels every other channel crystal clear except for cbs and on a good night
it looks like this
oh yes in many ways we are blessed
hey hey mom kitty got sick on me again
paint is what it is hey you know what we did last night we had the party were
you at the party last
night well yes of course i was there uh do we have the videotape of the party
take a look at this
roll this was last night at the big late show there's suham and uh beloved biff
and you know
attendance is mandatory come on get in there oh yeah um here's this is my there's
harry my son oh what
a dear little boy every oh what a kid this is todd our friend todd he's eating
good lord he's eating
tinsel why now for the jewish uh staff members they have a little party down by
the boiler room
actually yeah that's the jewish and there's joe grossman he's uh at the party
he brought the
sherman the sneezing monkey there he is oh look there's alan he's uh what a guy
standing under the
mistletoe and it turned out to be poisoned sumac now look the christmas tree
becomes self-aware and
kills shecky look at that wow it was horrible there i am having a big time i
was at the party laughing
it up again that was the late show christmas party let's see we got a lot of
stuff going on tonight you
know historically we do something when we have the christmas decorations in
here we we have uh we have
like rupert or we have a joji or we have uh mujibur and sirajul they come in
and they they kind of uh
customize our decorations with with items from the area that that are sort of
of the experience this
is our tradition that's right it's our tradition turn on one of those cameras
let's see where we're
going first turn on a camera out there oh it's the hello deli ladies and
gentlemen there it is right
over there on 53rd street hi rupert hi dave how are you rupert it's that time
of year again you know
when number 16 wow who's number 16. testaverti oh vinnie testaverti boy big day
for the jets
yesterday wasn't it yeah they screwed up oh my god are you a big jets fan yeah
big time yeah yeah
be funny if you said no not really
so do the the jets have they play baltimore next week is that what it is that's
right well and they
still actually have a chance to win the division don't they yeah if they beat
the ravens yeah and
then doesn't miami have to lose yeah how that works yeah but they make it in
the playoffs if they beat
the ravens yeah so that's all we care about we don't care about the division we
care about the
playoffs that's right were you out at the giant stadium yesterday no i wasn't
that was some game
wasn't it that was a good answer this for me you seem like a guy who knows what's
going on in the nfl
how come detroit which plays in that silver dome that little camping thing they
inflate once a week
how can they do so well on muddy turf conditions and the jets just looked feckless
their their offense just wasn't running yeah yeah
that's like talking to pop warner or amos alonzo stag uh all right now uh rupert
you uh uh you know
what we do every year you got a thing there you put on the what do you what did
you put on last year
a giant meatball a giant meatball that's right now do you have the giant meatball
standing by
yes i do okay all right now you stay right there now where we go next turn on
the next camera where
are we going to go i'll be back to you rupert oh this is joe g's let's go in to
see joe g
let's uh you know paul these people are leaving the joe g's pizzeria's closing
down
did you know that i'm sorry i was playing joe g's music i didn't hear closing
down
no joe g's is closing down yeah they're leaving joe really you're moving out is
that right
yes yes out of here when are you going uh we're going up at two blocks 56th
street
how come you're leaving this location you don't like the neighbors all right i
love the neighbor
day but we have no choice well you're getting squeezed out i guess yes so what
what's coming
in in your place i have no idea david they haven't told me i heard it was a
drugstore it was going to
be like a duane reed that's what i heard that'd be a lot of fun won't it duane
reed there what are we
going to do with a duane reed next i know well we don't we don't need prescriptions
phil we want pizza
yeah that's too bad but i'm sorry what am i date is that is that a done deal
yes it is date yeah now
who owns the building that you're in right now uh it's it's a it's a couple of
owners i don't really
know the name now is it is cbs do they own that building no then it's not cbs
are you sure positive
well let's look into this because if it's cbs boy there's going to be trouble
i think it is i think it's cbs i think i think cbs owns that building that's
the problem
not that i know dave i i don't think it's a cbs that he owns yeah well maybe
you would know
since it's your business and i'm just looking for reasons to get worked up
about cbs yeah
all right joe so now you we're getting ready to decorate the tree and then what
do you put on a
big pie right a big sloppy cheese pizza yesterday yeah okay all right get ready
because we'll come
back to you in a minute all right sure okay now that's so we got the meatball
we got the pizza let's
go see uh uh sirajul and mujibar hey boys let's go on inside
so uh we're getting ready to decorate the tree how you guys been fine dave now
are you you know you know
you know joe g's is closing down are you aware of that have you heard about
that yeah
and uh
are you are you closing down also i have no idea dave
have you heard anything about closing down you had a little bit about that yeah
but exactly i don't know
when and why are you are you worried are you nervous are you unhappy unhappy
yeah
yeah well now where will you guys where will you guys go if you're out of
business there what will
happen i don't know yet dave yeah well keep us posted because you know you've
been very good
friends to us over the years and i'm i'm concerned and nervous about what will
happen here exactly yeah
because where if you guys close down i'm telling you where will tourists where
will the citizens of new
york where will we buy inexpensive souvenirs
where will that happen
how about those jets huh
all right boys we're uh we're decorating the christmas tree you know how that
goes
yeah have you got something you want to put on the tree this year yeah i have
an impressive building
here uh-huh that's the empire state building is that what you put on last year
was it the statue
of liberty last year and best building last year so this is the same as last
year yeah yeah do you have you have like a
you have the statue of liberty that would be tree compatible that you could put
on there
i have that thing i have a taxi cab too new york free taxi
well yeah that'll be perfect
it'd be a shame if you guys go out of business
where are we going to get stuff like that um i think we better stick with the
empire state building
okay okay all right all right okay all right come on in and no fighting come on
in boys let me see you
come on in real quick here we go
oh yeah
now let's see we put the pizza on first is that what it is
the pizza on first
come on up i think you go on up first
all right put on the pizza thank you be very careful
you gotta take it off the pan
all right easy look out look out where are the regular girls
run there
thank you merry christmas nice job good luck okay
now rupert you're ready come right over here
thank you
here we go
where are the regular girls are they not here tonight
oh they're out of town well thank you very much for coming in
hey here's a tip if we have folks traveling we have tourists go over to the
radio city musical anybody been over there oh man
and they do the uh the christmas spectacular and it begins oh it's a wonderful
show anybody seen the christmas spectacular
and they have uh they have biblical animals that they bring out on stage they
have the uh
the camels and the biblical and the donkeys and then the baby jesus comes in it's
a wonderful show
and it uh begins oh labor day
and when that show is finished you know what's coming in to the radio city
musical take a look what follows the christmas watch this
the legendary the legendary radio city christmas spectacular runs through december
30th
then beginning january 3rd it's the radio city atheist spectacular featuring
all your
atheistic favorites like everything's meaningless life is random and when you
die that's it call ticketmaster now
how's that a radio gig going by the way it's going very well we had a lot of
serious xm thing people
wanted me to turn on you and throw the ball right at your head that's what i
don't know why what have
i done it's a vicious group of individuals oh my god yeah you're over there
with uh our buddy howard
howard stern i'm over there i actually do his show on fridays you do his show i
do the show on fridays
i'm like the i'm like the uh the the uh uh i don't talk a lot of sex and stuff
i don't but now you
mean i'm l