Name: Bill Murray Takes His Family Holiday Photo | David Letterman
Uploaded: 2024-12-23T16:00:02.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Murray Takes His Family Holiday Photo | David Letterman' from Letterman on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-12-23. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Murray Takes His Family Holiday Photo | David Letterman' from Letterman on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-12-23. Transcript available.

uh dear dave i know you're busy doing your tv show uh how do you find time to
shop for your
loved ones thanks carter thatcher chattanooga tennessee uh i'll tell you what
carter you just
have to make time when it comes to family and loved ones at the hollies you
just have don't
find the time don't find the time make the time for example
people are getting in the way of the joke uh for example last week i remember
yeah there you go that's what you do you got to make the time excuse me dave
dave is that really an accurate representation of what how it happened is that
really what happened
what what did you just see what we saw yeah but was that is that really
accurate is that really how
it went you're questioning my veracity i am just this time yeah huh you call
him a liar no no i would
never do that but is that actually how it went what we just saw there yeah is
that really what how how
you spent christmas how you prepared what you were doing no not exactly ah here's
how it went i remember
it was a couple of weeks ago if this stuff isn't finished by three o'clock the
boys here are gonna
get a little angry
really dave really are you absolutely sure what really are you absolutely sure
that's how it went
what we just saw yeah is that really how it went no i see no how exactly you
want the truth how was it
really yeah all right here's what happened i remember as though just a couple
of weeks ago
this stuff better be done by three o'clock all right turn the boys loose do you
hear me
do you hear me oh oh oh this i gotta tell you about this is nice this was a big
decision this is
the howard stern christmas card this is you right yes and my girlfriend yes she's
beautiful by the
way yes yes you gotta hear this dave you know from love howard and beth very
yeah well what it was
is we sent one of these to regis regis lives in my apartment building you know
he's in the same
building as i am and i said to beth i said you know i felt every year we sent
out a christmas card
with our dog and then i found other people were sending christmas cards with
their dog and i wanted
to do something original so we took this picture and i said well maybe it's obnoxious
to take a picture
of yourself and send it out like that but she my girlfriend convinced me we
should send this out
this morning regis showed that card on his show and he talked about it so it's
creating
it's creating something so we sent it to my mother and father and uh my mother
uh is speaking to my
girlfriend and she says oh i got the christmas card and uh beauty and the beast
i'm like what you know
i look good so i get a hold of my mother and i say to her i go ma uh what's
this she said she says
uh beauty and the beast they said oh yeah i said i don't think it's nice that
you call beth a beast
but uh the fact of the matter is the mother is supposed to take the son's side
she's the one
place of refuge and here she's calling me the beast and i got to tell you
something i don't feel good
about myself in this face and it's been pretty hard going through life with
this but the fact of the
matter is you think your mother would love it i was going to call her on the
air and give her i was
going to tell her you don't look too good either but i i didn't go there
tonight we're going to show
you some of the new christmas cards that you may be receiving or sending it paul
here we go a little
christmas cards yes christmas cards send them through the land
sickeningly sweet those christmas cards with a sentiment that's planned
sir are you are you really trying paul sir what are you saying you wrote that
in a cab on the way
to work a credible lead-in are you trying those christmas cards and christmas
cards and here's
dave now with christmas cards there was that and there was a punchline to that
was there really
sickeningly sweet those christmas cards with a sentiment that's bland okay at
the end i'm sorry
forgive me here we go now this one is sure to put anyone in the holiday spirit
don't think of me
as your stalker think of me as your secret santa christmas cards and christmas
cards and christmas
cards this time of year christmas cards for you and me and christmas cards so
dear what are you saying
nothing nothing i can write a song christmas cards so dear i didn't say that i
know yeah but you
probably had lunch i skipped lunch as a matter of fact uh here's a brand new
card from american
greetings happy holidays from septuplets two four five and seven
this next card delivers a simple message of holiday gratitude thanks for
turning me on to reindeer meat
is that code yeah uh when are we going to go back out to let me know when biff's
got another
measurement ready huh huh okay because you never know it's el nino now this is
not just a normal
snow squall this is el nino any father would be delighted to receive this card
from his child the
dad i wired the tree wrong and the sunbitch burned down the house beautiful
center
christmas cards for dave and paul the christmas cards for one and all
well now if i had thought of that yeah of course then i would have had some uh-huh
uh and it sounds
better with the sleigh bells i don't even have the sleigh bells you have the
sleigh bells nice
you can have the sleigh bells thank you zippy you can have them uh this card is
a perennial
bestseller the next time you come caroling they won't just be warning shots
go out and check now or we go out and check later i don't want to miss the next
measurement we
continue here with this okay uh this card has proved uh popular with younger
children if i don't get
sleep and snore ernie you're gonna choke and die grandpa
okay many teens will receive this card from their high schools
we just received the results of your iq test and you sure ain't one of the wise
men
it's odd that a school would actually send that out to a high school kid doesn't
it yeah as a christmas
card yeah i know it is i know it's a christmas card they would send it as a
christmas oh yeah
i see makes it doubly as odd yeah it is paul i hope when we're finished you'll
sing the christmas
card song again if you're good all right
hey sam you could be out there measuring snow i know listen i'm grateful okay i'm
grateful this
christmas okay fine thank you uh hallmark only recently rushed this card into a
production a
message during the season of peace i'm sorry i tried to kill you coach
now let me get this straight we do one more of these cards then we go outside
is that what we do
okay get ready paul this is the last okay this will be the last all right yeah
and then we go outside
that's right that's biff out there not me that's right
yeah you're catching on here now is a bracingly honest card dear son there is
no santa claus and
while we're at it you're adopted there you go
let's gather around the tv and sing the christmas card song well let's go let's
talk a little bit
about the holidays are you enjoying the season i mean can you put the poison
out of your mind long
enough to actually enjoy the have you done you completed your shopping yet well
i mean obviously
i kind of this is a kick in the gut when you know you're trying to like open
the you know get the flow
going but i'm i'm way behind it's a mess i'm so far behind i've uh i'm in you
know i just i've had
this you know i got to work on this job i have this movie coming and i've been
i'm way behind and um
it's too bad because i usually uh i think it's going to be sad christmas for a
lot of people
because usually i i write a uh a christmas card to all my friends like a little
letter updating the
it's more than it's more than that it's uh it's uh it's extensive uh i like to
because i'm busy and i don't you know i don't call a lot and i'm you know i i
feel like i got to
catch up so i like to put in you know all the kids report cards in there all
their grades
i uh i try to include some sort of like a swing thought you know something in
golf some little
tip oh like that you know and do you find that people appreciate this i you'd
be surprised how
often i've visited a friend's home and found like my letter up on the tree
you know and many times you know and many times right hung right next to the
previous year's
letters beautiful makes it all worthwhile it's beautiful and it's just because
there's i mean
i just put a lot of love into it it's really an amazing thing and i haven't
been able to do it this
year and i'm kind of in dutch at home and i'm wondering you know and i'm here
and i'm thinking
you know i i'm kind of a big gesture guy i was wondering if you could maybe
could help sure i'd
love yeah because i know if anybody but please let me loves christmas
absolutely and now with this
stunning news that you've been poisoned i really i'm all yours i want to do oh
god i didn't want it to
be a guilt thing i just no no no no no okay well i was thinking maybe would you
mind it's kind of
it's hokey but if maybe we could get a little bit of a if we could just sort of
take a picture i'll
send it out as a christmas card you'll be in the picture with it just perfect
no letter this year
it's going to break some hearts but it'll be just be have somebody to take the
photo yeah i got i got
i got uh i got uh i got uh i got a camera biff oh hi here fenderson ladies
gentlemen
just point it and shoot it it's it's idiot proof okay okay all right now i got
i got my family here
here can i get them out here yeah wow how about that look at this yeah hi boy
oh boy
i'm sorry what's what's your name okay i don't they're they're they're rentals
actually dave they're
not really i mean i have your family no i have more kids than this but the
price they wanted for this
one alone was ridiculous hi pleasure to meet you all right hi holidays all
right can we get in here
yeah has bill rented you before the first time oh good yeah yeah we'll see we'll
see this is a
one-time deal you don't mind if i no no we're gonna here son son come down here
oh you get down here
get down your knees okay let's just do here let's just do the totem pole guys
okay all right here get
oh yeah i guess what's the dog get the damn dog in the picture okay
very nice it's a lot of fun thank you very much yeah okay
i like that yeah well i'm glad we could help great it's uh very close to christmas
and we try to
do something festive uh each day as we get closer to the holiday and and
tonight i don't think we've
done this a long time if we have i don't know if it works it's something called
the late show nog cam
nog cam what is that i don't know just are you ready for the nog camp go ahead
turn it on here it is
you're ready for the late show okay thanks dave dorsett
look at that oh that's a late show nod cam thanks dave dorsett by the way
been with cbs 39 years that man right there mr dorsett celebrating his 39th
anniversary of cbs
do we just leave that in there like that dave
we can take it out if you'd like well let's leave it in for a while and see see
how tired we grow of it
i don't want to chase people away unnecessarily but
it's kind of nice to have it there though yeah yeah all right uh also on the uh
have you seen these uh
okay ellen something wrong with tv
okay i like that a little more put a little more in there guys a little more
there see if we can't
completely room all right that's fine right there that's good
every dumb guy in america is at home doing this to his set
look what i have here ladies and gentlemen some some brand new holiday greeting
cards here we go
this i gotta see yeah this would be good you could put the card up in that
there's
it in the upper left oh oh this camera does not have the nog cam oh well you
could do that we're
saved oh oh thank god okay holiday cards all right here's our first i went down
to the thing
around the corner and bought a fistful of cards just brought them in let's take
a look at some of
these here we go uh this one says thinking of you this christmas from the
airport security guard who
uh right here's our second holiday card season's greetings infidel pigs your
friends at al-qaeda
why would they even bother to send out a card
all right this by the way this technology right here is why the rest of the
world is envious of us
things like the nog cam this is why we're hated around the world they hate us
yeah they don't have
the kind of brain power it takes to come up with something like this uh this
one says i'm not
santa but with binoculars i see you when you're sleeping and know when you're
awake
all right here's one more this is kind of nice i won't be home for christmas
the dog track is open
the little segment we call holiday greeting cards yeah here we go number seven
uh merry christmas
unless you follow one of them other crazy religions that seems kind of narrow-minded
doesn't it
you got any more nog dave all right top it off there's a little splash and go
there
dave you look terrific by the way
okay oh wait i know you've gone crazy you've gone crazy
i'm gone
thank you
but you you started out 39 years ago when to get the cameras to work you would
have to do that
periodically you would have to pour something into the lens you remember that
yeah exactly
it's the nog can that's right that's what it is
uh all right here's a card oh look at this one paul
please navidad to the best illegal housekeeper a family could ask for
i i kind of uh like this it's a lovely uh sentiment uh merry christmas rabbi
nothing wrong with that is it ecumenical sense
and finally how about this one ron artist has kicked a drunk fan's ass in your
name
yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah thank you very much paul we're gonna have to we're
gonna have to use this
other one because we've monkeyed up the uh can you would it be too much trouble
for you to squat
under a different camera tonight do you enjoy this time of year yeah i forgot
my story now this is
actually a holiday but like i say it's about people don't listen my mom this is
a true story my mom runs
into a guy this was several years ago she worked for the guy like 50 years ago
when i was a little
tiny kid and uh the guy they're very you know cordial and everything how you
doing helen how you
doing mr johnson blah blah blah and what's what's your son doing now he
remembered me when i was a
little kid well uh he's a comedian he's been on merv griffin he's been on johnny
carson been on
david letterman oh that's wonderful a comedian that is really nice so a couple
weeks later it's the
holiday season my mom gets a christmas card from the guy uh merry christmas helen
happy new year
hope everything goes good for you next year god bless you uh your friend leroy
johnson uh p.s
and how is sunny boy is he still with a band
well you see nobody pays attention i guess that's i guess that's all right rupert
do you have a
contestant yes i do hi introduce your contestant this is amanda curry hi amanda
how are you i'm good how are you good where are you from amanda i'm originally
from meadville
pennsylvania but i live in brooklyn hey you live in brooklyn how long you lived
in brooklyn about a
year what do you do for a living i do the pr and marketing for a cg animation
called the cool beans
oh the cool beans wow and is that a you say that's a what did you say that was
it's an animation
animation is it like a cartoon for a kitties it is yeah and what what happens
in an episode of the cool
beans the cool beans are competing against the bad seeds for a record contract
and uh is is this a
theatrical cartoon or do we see these on tv or where do we see these hopefully
you'll see it in the
theaters in theaters well that's good congratulations you enjoying that work i
love it thank you uh now
you know amanda what we're doing here tonight if you would like and if you don't
like well that's
not a problem for me but i i would love to be a part of your holiday card would
you like
oh you're startling you're startling me and the contestant i didn't mean so uh
if that's all right
amanda we have a set ready to go here now rupert here's what i'm going to need
from you you're going
to have to help out here okay okay okay listen carefully all right i need you
to bring in with
you when you come into the theater the camera okay did you have the camera yeah
right here okay good
you know how to operate it yeah i do all right amanda are you ready i'm ready
all right
all right rupert are you ready yep all right let's go here come the kids ladies
gentlemen
thank you thank you thank you so very much all right man how are you all right
you look great
here put on this hat okay stand back here oh my all right is everybody are you
ready rupert
well i feel much better

Bill Murray Takes His Family Holiday Photo | David Letterman

uh dear dave i know you're busy doing your tv show uh how do you find time to
shop for your
loved ones thanks carter thatcher chattanooga tennessee uh i'll tell you what
carter you just
have to make time when it comes to family and loved ones at the hollies you
just have don't
find the time don't find the time make the time for example
people are getting in the way of the joke uh for example last week i remember
yeah there you go that's what you do you got to make the time excuse me dave
dave is that really an accurate representation of what how it happened is that
really what happened
what what did you just see what we saw yeah but was that is that really
accurate is that really how
it went you're questioning my veracity i am just this time yeah huh you call
him a liar no no i would
never do that but is that actually how it went what we just saw there yeah is
that really what how how
you spent christmas how you prepared what you were doing no not exactly ah here's
how it went i remember
it was a couple of weeks ago if this stuff isn't finished by three o'clock the
boys here are gonna
get a little angry
really dave really are you absolutely sure what really are you absolutely sure
that's how it went
what we just saw yeah is that really how it went no i see no how exactly you
want the truth how was it
really yeah all right here's what happened i remember as though just a couple
of weeks ago
this stuff better be done by three o'clock all right turn the boys loose do you
hear me
do you hear me oh oh oh this i gotta tell you about this is nice this was a big
decision this is
the howard stern christmas card this is you right yes and my girlfriend yes she's
beautiful by the
way yes yes you gotta hear this dave you know from love howard and beth very
yeah well what it was
is we sent one of these to regis regis lives in my apartment building you know
he's in the same
building as i am and i said to beth i said you know i felt every year we sent
out a christmas card
with our dog and then i found other people were sending christmas cards with
their dog and i wanted
to do something original so we took this picture and i said well maybe it's obnoxious
to take a picture
of yourself and send it out like that but she my girlfriend convinced me we
should send this out
this morning regis showed that card on his show and he talked about it so it's
creating
it's creating something so we sent it to my mother and father and uh my mother
uh is speaking to my
girlfriend and she says oh i got the christmas card and uh beauty and the beast
i'm like what you know
i look good so i get a hold of my mother and i say to her i go ma uh what's
this she said she says
uh beauty and the beast they said oh yeah i said i don't think it's nice that
you call beth a beast
but uh the fact of the matter is the mother is supposed to take the son's side
she's the one
place of refuge and here she's calling me the beast and i got to tell you
something i don't feel good
about myself in this face and it's been pretty hard going through life with
this but the fact of the
matter is you think your mother would love it i was going to call her on the
air and give her i was
going to tell her you don't look too good either but i i didn't go there
tonight we're going to show
you some of the new christmas cards that you may be receiving or sending it paul
here we go a little
christmas cards yes christmas cards send them through the land
sickeningly sweet those christmas cards with a sentiment that's planned
sir are you are you really trying paul sir what are you saying you wrote that
in a cab on the way
to work a credible lead-in are you trying those christmas cards and christmas
cards and here's
dave now with christmas cards there was that and there was a punchline to that
was there really
sickeningly sweet those christmas cards with a sentiment that's bland okay at
the end i'm sorry
forgive me here we go now this one is sure to put anyone in the holiday spirit
don't think of me
as your stalker think of me as your secret santa christmas cards and christmas
cards and christmas
cards this time of year christmas cards for you and me and christmas cards so
dear what are you saying
nothing nothing i can write a song christmas cards so dear i didn't say that i
know yeah but you
probably had lunch i skipped lunch as a matter of fact uh here's a brand new
card from american
greetings happy holidays from septuplets two four five and seven
this next card delivers a simple message of holiday gratitude thanks for
turning me on to reindeer meat
is that code yeah uh when are we going to go back out to let me know when biff's
got another
measurement ready huh huh okay because you never know it's el nino now this is
not just a normal
snow squall this is el nino any father would be delighted to receive this card
from his child the
dad i wired the tree wrong and the sunbitch burned down the house beautiful
center
christmas cards for dave and paul the christmas cards for one and all
well now if i had thought of that yeah of course then i would have had some uh-huh
uh and it sounds
better with the sleigh bells i don't even have the sleigh bells you have the
sleigh bells nice
you can have the sleigh bells thank you zippy you can have them uh this card is
a perennial
bestseller the next time you come caroling they won't just be warning shots
go out and check now or we go out and check later i don't want to miss the next
measurement we
continue here with this okay uh this card has proved uh popular with younger
children if i don't get
sleep and snore ernie you're gonna choke and die grandpa
okay many teens will receive this card from their high schools
we just received the results of your iq test and you sure ain't one of the wise
men
it's odd that a school would actually send that out to a high school kid doesn't
it yeah as a christmas
card yeah i know it is i know it's a christmas card they would send it as a
christmas oh yeah
i see makes it doubly as odd yeah it is paul i hope when we're finished you'll
sing the christmas
card song again if you're good all right
hey sam you could be out there measuring snow i know listen i'm grateful okay i'm
grateful this
christmas okay fine thank you uh hallmark only recently rushed this card into a
production a
message during the season of peace i'm sorry i tried to kill you coach
now let me get this straight we do one more of these cards then we go outside
is that what we do
okay get ready paul this is the last okay this will be the last all right yeah
and then we go outside
that's right that's biff out there not me that's right
yeah you're catching on here now is a bracingly honest card dear son there is
no santa claus and
while we're at it you're adopted there you go
let's gather around the tv and sing the christmas card song well let's go let's
talk a little bit
about the holidays are you enjoying the season i mean can you put the poison
out of your mind long
enough to actually enjoy the have you done you completed your shopping yet well
i mean obviously
i kind of this is a kick in the gut when you know you're trying to like open
the you know get the flow
going but i'm i'm way behind it's a mess i'm so far behind i've uh i'm in you
know i just i've had
this you know i got to work on this job i have this movie coming and i've been
i'm way behind and um
it's too bad because i usually uh i think it's going to be sad christmas for a
lot of people
because usually i i write a uh a christmas card to all my friends like a little
letter updating the
it's more than it's more than that it's uh it's uh it's extensive uh i like to
because i'm busy and i don't you know i don't call a lot and i'm you know i i
feel like i got to
catch up so i like to put in you know all the kids report cards in there all
their grades
i uh i try to include some sort of like a swing thought you know something in
golf some little
tip oh like that you know and do you find that people appreciate this i you'd
be surprised how
often i've visited a friend's home and found like my letter up on the tree
you know and many times you know and many times right hung right next to the
previous year's
letters beautiful makes it all worthwhile it's beautiful and it's just because
there's i mean
i just put a lot of love into it it's really an amazing thing and i haven't
been able to do it this
year and i'm kind of in dutch at home and i'm wondering you know and i'm here
and i'm thinking
you know i i'm kind of a big gesture guy i was wondering if you could maybe
could help sure i'd
love yeah because i know if anybody but please let me loves christmas
absolutely and now with this
stunning news that you've been poisoned i really i'm all yours i want to do oh
god i didn't want it to
be a guilt thing i just no no no no no okay well i was thinking maybe would you
mind it's kind of
it's hokey but if maybe we could get a little bit of a if we could just sort of
take a picture i'll
send it out as a christmas card you'll be in the picture with it just perfect
no letter this year
it's going to break some hearts but it'll be just be have somebody to take the
photo yeah i got i got
i got uh i got uh i got uh i got a camera biff oh hi here fenderson ladies
gentlemen
just point it and shoot it it's it's idiot proof okay okay all right now i got
i got my family here
here can i get them out here yeah wow how about that look at this yeah hi boy
oh boy
i'm sorry what's what's your name okay i don't they're they're they're rentals
actually dave they're
not really i mean i have your family no i have more kids than this but the
price they wanted for this
one alone was ridiculous hi pleasure to meet you all right hi holidays all
right can we get in here
yeah has bill rented you before the first time oh good yeah yeah we'll see we'll
see this is a
one-time deal you don't mind if i no no we're gonna here son son come down here
oh you get down here
get down your knees okay let's just do here let's just do the totem pole guys
okay all right here get
oh yeah i guess what's the dog get the damn dog in the picture okay
very nice it's a lot of fun thank you very much yeah okay
i like that yeah well i'm glad we could help great it's uh very close to christmas
and we try to
do something festive uh each day as we get closer to the holiday and and
tonight i don't think we've
done this a long time if we have i don't know if it works it's something called
the late show nog cam
nog cam what is that i don't know just are you ready for the nog camp go ahead
turn it on here it is
you're ready for the late show okay thanks dave dorsett
look at that oh that's a late show nod cam thanks dave dorsett by the way
been with cbs 39 years that man right there mr dorsett celebrating his 39th
anniversary of cbs
do we just leave that in there like that dave
we can take it out if you'd like well let's leave it in for a while and see see
how tired we grow of it
i don't want to chase people away unnecessarily but
it's kind of nice to have it there though yeah yeah all right uh also on the uh
have you seen these uh
okay ellen something wrong with tv
okay i like that a little more put a little more in there guys a little more
there see if we can't
completely room all right that's fine right there that's good
every dumb guy in america is at home doing this to his set
look what i have here ladies and gentlemen some some brand new holiday greeting
cards here we go
this i gotta see yeah this would be good you could put the card up in that
there's
it in the upper left oh oh this camera does not have the nog cam oh well you
could do that we're
saved oh oh thank god okay holiday cards all right here's our first i went down
to the thing
around the corner and bought a fistful of cards just brought them in let's take
a look at some of
these here we go uh this one says thinking of you this christmas from the
airport security guard who
uh right here's our second holiday card season's greetings infidel pigs your
friends at al