Name: Department Store Santa Pet Peeves And More | David Letterman
Uploaded: 2024-12-24T16:07:57.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Department Store Santa Pet Peeves And More | David Letterman' from Letterman on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-12-24. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Department Store Santa Pet Peeves And More | David Letterman' from Letterman on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-12-24. Transcript available.

and now ladies and gentlemen it's time to go back into rupert's hello deli to
play may we see your
digital photos please thank you very much rupert can you introduce your contestant
there yes this
is um diane archangel diane archangel yes uh-huh and is that all one word two
words how do you spell
archangel one word one word archangel art and and are is that your hat making
that noise that is my hat
it only locks up but it also plays wow where are you from diane i'm from houston
where it was 78
degrees when i left oh how about that 78 degrees only 73 difference and uh you
came to new york city
for the holidays i did fantastic here isn't it
ma'am i'm gonna i'm gonna have to ask you to turn your hat down
how long have you been in town we have been here since the weekend you're
having a good time oh
fantastic like you say dave there's no place like new york at christmas
absolutely absolutely happy
holidays to you now tell me a little bit about that hat where did you get that
item i bought this let's
see uh time square uh-huh yeah that seems about right and uh is it must be
battery operated is that
right it is very operated yeah or generator i guess you could have a generator
on it and uh how long does
it do that lighting and singing stuff all day and all night that just gets on
your nerves yeah because
it would probably sure yeah and and and will you be taking it off in the next
few days
only if i want to sleep yeah uh would it be all right if rupert tried it on
right if you don't mind diana just for fun let's see if it'll yeah go ahead
sure try it to rupert yeah put it on there rupert
thank you very much you're welcome dave all right diane you know uh we're here
tonight to play may we see your digital photos please
scared the hell out of me paul do you have a lot of digital photos in there uh
about 330
something all right fine well i'll pull up a chair and you go ahead and and uh
take them
through take them take us through them and give us a little narrative as we
take a look at them and
stuff and see what we got here all right let me see oh wouldn't you know it's
now it's gone off
probably used your batteries for the hat
there we go um macy's window very nice let's see there's rupert's right there
oh there's rupert yeah
we're going back
everyone in the audience thinks that one may be upside down
that's that's time square what is i you know i can't think straight because of
that damn hat
it is annoying isn't it no one sleeps around me that's for sure
okay well that's plenty we get the idea as long as you're having fun thank you
very much for
uh appearing in may we see your digital photos please what do we have for her
girls
oh it's a beautiful deli platter from rupert g's what were we playing for
tonight alan by the way
dave we were playing for a brand new kia spectra
have fun diane be careful say hello to the folks back in houston all right
thank you all right there you go ladies and gentlemen
don't i don't i get a little something when i do that ball
okay by the way that's all part of my exercise video it's all in there
do about a thousand of these a day and one day you'll get your own show
ladies and gentlemen we're doing something kind of exciting tonight uh watching
along with the show
as you folks here in the ed sullivan theater are watching and as a vast north
american viewing
audience as all of these people are watching collectively with us tonight
watching right along
now we have the fine brave men of engine company number 54 new york city fire
department located
at 48th street and 8th avenue ladder number four battalion nine the pride of
manhattan do me a favor
here they are say hello to them now these are the boys
uh
well maybe that was water maybe it wasn't
i gotta get me one of those polls for the house morning make a note will you
okay uh those guys
will be watching uh the show all with us tonight and you know christmas is uh
two weeks away isn't
it yeah just exactly less than two weeks 13 days away or something like that
ladies and gentlemen
and tonight we're going to show you some christmas greeting cards here we go paul
if you get this bit or it goes way above you
please please please frank don't kill me that's okay kid all right christmas
cards right here our new
corporate parent has placed a large order for these cards here dear long time cbs
employee here's a
holiday surprise for you you're fired your friends at westinghouse there we go
how are you all right how are the firemen are they enjoying the christmas cards
so far boys where
are you where are they the firemen there where are the firemen hi boys how you
doing nice to see
is it is it possible later in the show for somebody in the audience to come
over and ride the pole
all right so one of you guys in the front down there tough guys yeah i'm
talking to you
yeah one of those guys all right here's a lovely card that celebrates a gift
that keeps on giving
i found your glasses in that pan of fudge you sent me
you know the sorted side of christmas festivities is bluntly communicated in
this handsome card here
look i got lice from the santa suit i rented from you
i hate lice at the holiday time that's terrible i hate the lice for the
holidays
you boys over there at company 54 ever have problems like that with the uh
uh this friendly reminder helps ensure that everyone will have happy holidays
okay here's one here's a way to send season's greetings to a loved one from our
little understood
neighbor to the north canadian friend merry christmas and happy boxing day
whatever the hell that is
thank you so much i don't know if i get that
you really celebrate boxing day of course what is boxing day when you box up
all the presents
you don't want no it's not no it's not no it's not you're lying you're making
it up you're lying
no you're lying in britain you're fibbing no you're making that up it has
nothing to do with
that that's true that's something to do with with church boxes where they
collect money for the
poor maybe maybe that's it yeah that's how would you like to ride the pole hey
look at the tough
guy man look at this guy wow new york's bravest that's a face isn't it what is
it it's a million
dollar face i represent him what what is that guy's he represented yeah turn
that on again let me see
who that is what's your name sir hootie hootie hootie hootie later i want you
to come over here you me
and john claude van damme are going to beat up guys okay man look at that face
why are we having the firemen watch the show with us paul i'm not sure it
seemed like a good idea in
the room oh you were at the meeting then yeah but now i don't know i gotta
start going to the meetings
just put it up on the bulletin board and i'll show up what better time than the
holidays to patch up a
strained relationship that's why this sweet card here is a hot selling item
sure didn't mean to
heave on your poinsettia are you guys ready which one have you picked a guy to
ride the pole you're
only one guy's gonna get to do it pick one pick one you right there all right
stand by son tension
between neighbors is given a delightful holiday twist in this fun to receive
card your dog left
the ewe log in my yard hey christmas hey christmas hey christmas you got it
sometimes it's a peninsula
sometimes what's your name all right you know it's a 38th and 8 have you ever
done this before yeah
where are you from oh yeah just up the road all right right over there get a
cab for the kid here
here put him in the cab easy watch the ice we'll see in a minute on the pole
okay
take this guy to queen's we'll be right back i guess is the audience member at
the firehouse over
there at 48th and 8th all right turn on let's he's not there he's not there
what do we do just
sit here quietly with our hands folded huh he's being told how to operate the
pole
i remember the first time somebody explained to me how to operate the pole
if you're watching mom i didn't say that either is he ready he's ready okay
what was the guy's name
kenny what was his name kenny what's his name mike kenny close all right mike
are you ready buddy
okay here we go anton
it's the happiest day of his life isn't it
you know we have a camera out there on broadway and what we like to do from
time to time is turn
on the camera so you folks get to get a feel of what the holidays are like here
in new york city and you
get to kind of uh vicariously enjoy uh the holiday electricity uh right on the
great street of
broadway so is the camera ready okay let's turn it on and just see if we can
watch what's look at there
and that traffic is not uh very bad right now because they had the fear of the
big transit
strike earlier but you i think you can oh there's wait a minute what's that
what's going on here
wait a minute somebody should
somebody should call the police now you know ladies and gentlemen the holidays
are a wonderful time and there's many reasons to be thankful especially in the
world we live in
now and but but often there's tension and the tension can occur christmas
morning yes so we have the list
here tonight top 10 things you don't want to hear things you don't want to hear
on christmas there's a lot of things you want to hear oh of course i got you a
new skateboard that you
want to that's right yeah here are the keys to your new rolls royce that you
would like to hear yeah
but on the other hand the other end of the spectrum things top 10 you don't
want to hear here we go
uh number 10 freeze fbi number nine something's moving in the tree number eight
he left the
cookies and milk but the tv is gone number seven there's a caroler frozen on
the porch
number six did you get a long rambling poem about the late show too
number five
my stocking has a foot in it number four do you smell singed hair number three
santa left a photo he took of us sleeping no no no no number two no no no i
said hug grandma and water
the tree and the number one thing you don't want to hear on christmas morning
just messing with you
kids give the presents back ladies gentlemen all night long we have little
specials for you because
it is the new year's eve take a look at this our own stage manager biff henderson
with champagne
squirting out his ears go ahead biff give it a try
it is the new year who's coming out of his ear and the other side it looks like
it's coming out of his jugular vein but it's
we'll get that fine-tuned we'll get that dialed up for it every yeah all right
let's try it again here we go
yeah one side here now it's coming out of his undershirt but you know
it's technology it's not perfect we'll keep working on it yeah and pass the
savings on to
you folks now you do this thing where you have this one-man show it wasn't
written as a one-man
show but that's what it is no it was a novel it was a very successful novel but
dickens was the
first person to perform it as a one-man show he took it on the road himself
doing dramatic readings
but i've i have a stage version which is learned and fully performed now when
dickens did this what what
year are we talking about well the book was published in 1843 we have just
passed the 151st
anniversary of the publication of the book and uh
oh man these folks are still pulling for dickens isn't that good here all right
charlie
yes to me very interesting reaction and you know we're hoping to have him on
the show one night
but now uh how many written parts are there that you do there are somewhere
between 39 and 45
different roles or some of them are inanimate objects that i get to play yeah
but like what for
example well um inanimate the goose um someone once claimed they saw me play
the stuffing as well as
the goose but that was in the adult version of the show hello testing one two
but um this you're
hesitating for a moment you are hesitant i love it when i see you hesitate well
you came on a good
night then uh but you know people have uh who have seen this are just uh amazed
at the remarkable
job it's it's not just a guy doing a reading of a christmas carol it's a full-blown
dramatic
performance and people are uh they just love it it's a nice little touch uh for
this city for the
holidays do you have trouble because if you get sick is there like an understudy
no uh and although
in fact uh my executive producer who is also my stage manager kate elliott she
claims that she's ready
to go on at a moment's notice my lighting designer fred allen claims the same
thing and my producers
tim and terry child how prepared they really are i can't say but in fact on the
first night on the
opening night of the show last thursday i was almost in need of them because
you know it's although
i'd done the show here before nevertheless an opening night is an important
moment for an actor on
broadway especially when you're the only character in the show and uh the car
the car came to pick me
up and we went about two blocks we were in the middle lane on fifth avenue
about 61st street and
it died uh the driver was embarrassed and he i said no no stay where you are
listen i've dealt with this
kind of thing before i got out of the car i pushed my limo for three quarters
of a block down fifth
avenue on my first night yeah it didn't start so i said listen don't worry he
couldn't even get through
to the car company because all the power was gone i said don't worry i hauled
all my bags i had bags full of
gifts out of the car and i set off to walk i got as far as uh i got as far as
59th street and there
were limos dropping people off not a taxi inside of course and my the curtain
time is hurtling
towards me and so i see a limo drop some people off and i go up to the driver
and i don't do this
usually i'm sure you don't but i took off my hat and i said excuse me my name
is patrick stewart
i'm opening on broadway in about 45 minutes time could you give me and he said
oh yeah sure
this is the time of year and it's fun it's festive it's a great holiday
reminder
it's wonderful for the kids it's a great way to raise money and raise awareness
to charitable causes
department store santa's not just in the department stores but on the corners
and everywhere you go
across north america it's symbolic the department store santa so the category
for the list tonight
top 10 department store santa pet peeves they're jolly they're always jolly
that's part of the job
but still in in their quiet moments of personal reflection and rumination you'll
hear some pet peeves
we have top 10 list here top 10 the department store santa pet peeves ladies
and gentlemen and now
here to present tonight's top 10 list please welcome 10 local department store
santas come on in
pop pop pop pop you guys you own your own outfits yes there you go good that's
excellent i'm glad to
hear that makes me feel better you don't want your kids sitting on a santa in a
rented suit do you
uh top 10 department store santa pet peeves here we go number 10 no time off
for hanukkah what
no time off for hanukkah ladies gentlemen that's number 10
yeah number nine some people think i'm kenny rogers i think you're i think you're
kenny rogers
number eight whenever triplets show up i have to snap on the third knee easy
really it's to snap on a third knee uh pet peeves department store santa is
number seven
january through november
that's a good thing he's got that third knee to fall back on
uh number six one year macy's tried to pay me in cologne department store santa
pet peeves
number five restless beard syndrome yeah
number four uh number four parents you're in line for 40 minutes maybe use that
time to learn how to
operate your camera yeah yeah what's what's what would be so wrong with that
uh number three
lap rash lap rash that's right ouch
ouch can santa get a little lysol please uh number two pretending to be jolly
gets old pretty
fast like i need to tell this audience yeah that's right hey wait a minute
knock it off santa
and the number one department store santa pet peeves
how come no one ever asked what i want for christmas
thank you everybody
- I'm a star-span, ladies and gentlemen.

Department Store Santa Pet Peeves And More | David Letterman

and now ladies and gentlemen it's time to go back into rupert's hello deli to
play may we see your
digital photos please thank you very much rupert can you introduce your contestant
there yes this
is um diane archangel diane archangel yes uh-huh and is that all one word two
words how do you spell
archangel one word one word archangel art and and are is that your hat making
that noise that is my hat
it only locks up but it also plays wow where are you from diane i'm from houston
where it was 78
degrees when i left oh how about that 78 degrees only 73 difference and uh you
came to new york city
for the holidays i did fantastic here isn't it
ma'am i'm gonna i'm gonna have to ask you to turn your hat down
how long have you been in town we have been here since the weekend you're
having a good time oh
fantastic like you say dave there's no place like new york at christmas
absolutely absolutely happy
holidays to you now tell me a little bit about that hat where did you get that
item i bought this let's
see uh time square uh-huh yeah that seems about right and uh is it must be
battery operated is that
right it is very operated yeah or generator i guess you could have a generator
on it and uh how long does
it do that lighting and singing stuff all day and all night that just gets on
your nerves yeah because
it would probably sure yeah and and and will you be taking it off in the next
few days
only if i want to sleep yeah uh would it be all right if rupert tried it on
right if you don't mind diana just for fun let's see if it'll yeah go ahead
sure try it to rupert yeah put it on there rupert
thank you very much you're welcome dave all right diane you know uh we're here
tonight to play may we see your digital photos please
scared the hell out of me paul do you have a lot of digital photos in there uh
about 330
something all right fine well i'll pull up a chair and you go ahead and and uh
take them
through take them take us through them and give us a little narrative as we
take a look at them and
stuff and see what we got here all right let me see oh wouldn't you know it's
now it's gone off
probably used your batteries for the hat
there we go um macy's window very nice let's see there's rupert's right there
oh there's rupert yeah
we're going back
everyone in the audience thinks that one may be upside down
that's that's time square what is i you know i can't think straight because of
that damn hat
it is annoying isn't it no one sleeps around me that's for sure
okay well that's plenty we get the idea as long as you're having fun thank you
very much for
uh appearing in may we see your digital photos please what do we have for her
girls
oh it's a beautiful deli platter from rupert g's what were we playing for
tonight alan by the way
dave we were playing for a brand new kia spectra
have fun diane be careful say hello to the folks back in houston all right
thank you all right there you go ladies and gentlemen
don't i don't i get a little something when i do that ball
okay by the way that's all part of my exercise video it's all in there
do about a thousand of these a day and one day you'll get your own show
ladies and gentlemen we're doing something kind of exciting tonight uh watching
along with the show
as you folks here in the ed sullivan theater are watching and as a vast north
american viewing
audience as all of these people are watching collectively with us tonight
watching right along
now we have the fine brave men of engine company number 54 new york city fire
department located
at 48th street and 8th avenue ladder number four battalion nine the pride of
manhattan do me a favor
here they are say hello to them now these are the boys
uh
well maybe that was water maybe it wasn't
i gotta get me one of those polls for the house morning make a note will you
okay uh those guys
will be watching uh the show all with us tonight and you know christmas is uh
two weeks away isn't
it yeah just exactly less than two weeks 13 days away or something like that
ladies and gentlemen
and tonight we're going to show you some christmas greeting cards here we go paul
if you get this bit or it goes way above you
please please please frank don't kill me that's okay kid all right christmas
cards right here our new
corporate parent has placed a large order for these cards here dear long time cbs
employee here's a
holiday surprise for you you're fired your friends at westinghouse there we go
how are you all right how are the firemen are they enjoying the christmas cards
so far boys where
are you where are they the firemen there where are the firemen hi boys how you
doing nice to see
is it is it possible later in the show for somebody in the audience to come
over and ride the pole
all right so one of you guys in the front down there tough guys yeah i'm
talking to you
yeah one of those guys all right here's a lovely card that celebrates a gift
that keeps on giving
i found your glasses in that pan of fudge you sent me
you know the sorted side of christmas festivities is bluntly communicated in
this handsome card here
look i got lice from the santa suit i rented from you
i hate lice at the holiday time that's terrible i hate the lice for the
holidays
you boys over there at company 54 ever have problems like that with the uh
uh this friendly reminder helps ensure that everyone will have happy holidays
okay here's one here's a way to send season's greetings to a loved one from our
little understood
neighbor to the north canadian friend merry christmas and happy boxing day
whatever the hell that is
thank you so much i don't know if i get that
you really celebrate boxing day of course what is boxing day when you box up
all the presents
you don't want no it's not no it's not no it's not you're lying you're making
it up you're lying
no you're lying in britain you're fibbing no you're making that up it has
nothing to do with
that that's true that's something to do with with church boxes where they
collect money for the
poor maybe maybe that's it yeah that's how would you like to ride the pole hey
look at the tough
guy man look at this guy wow new york's bravest that's a face isn't it what is
it it's a million
dollar face i represent him what what is that guy's he represented yeah turn
that on again let me see
who that is what's your name sir hootie hootie hootie hootie later i want you
to come over here you me
and john claude van damme are going to beat up guys okay man look at that face
why are we having the firemen watch the show with us paul i'm not sure it
seemed like a good idea in
the room oh you were at the meeting then yeah but now i don't know i gotta
start going to the meetings
just put it up on the bulletin board and i'll show up what better time than the
holidays to patch up a
strained relationship that's why this sweet card here is a hot selling item
sure didn't mean to
heave on your poinsettia are you guys ready which one have you picked a guy to
ride the pole you're
only one guy's gonna get to do it pick one pick one you right there all right
stand by son tension
between neighbors is given a delightful holiday twist in this fun to receive
card your dog left
the ewe log in my yard hey christmas hey christmas hey christmas you got it
sometimes it's a peninsula
sometimes what's your name all right you know it's a 38th and 8 have you ever
done this before yeah
where are you from oh yeah just up the road all right right over there get a
cab for the kid here
here put him in the cab easy watch the ice we'll see in a minute on the pole
okay
take this guy to queen's we'll be right back i guess is the audience member at
the firehouse over
there at 48th and 8th all right turn on let's he's not there he's not there
what do we do just
sit here quietly with our hands folded huh he's being told how to operate the
pole
i remember the first time somebody explained to me how to operate the pole
if you're watching mom i didn't say that either is he ready he's ready okay
what was the guy's name
kenny what was his name kenny what's his name mike kenny close all right mike
are you ready buddy
okay here we go anton
it's the happiest day of his life isn't it
you know we have a camera out there on broadway and what we like to do from
time to time is turn
on the camera so you folks get to get a feel of what the holidays are like here
in new york city and you
get to kind of uh vicariously enjoy uh the holiday electricity uh right on the
great street of
broadway so is the camera ready okay let's turn it on and just see if we can
watch what's look at there
and that traffic is not uh very bad right now because they had the fear of the
big transit
strike earlier but you i think you can oh there's wait a minute what's that
what's going on here
wait a minute somebody should
somebody should call the police now you know ladies and gentlemen the holidays
are a wonderful time and there's many reasons to be thankful especially in the
world we live in
now and but but often there's tension and the tension can occur christmas
morning yes so we have the list
here tonight top 10 things you don't want to hear things you don't want to hear
on christmas there's a lot of things you want to hear oh of course i got you a
new skateboard that you
want to that's right yeah here are the keys to your new rolls royce that you
would like to hear yeah
but on the other hand the other end of the spectrum things top 10 you don't
want to hear here we go
uh number 10 freeze fbi number nine something's moving in the tree number eight
he left the
cookies and milk but the tv is gone number seven there's a caroler frozen on
the porch
number six did you get a long rambling poem about the late show too
number five
my stocking has a foot in it number four do you smell singed hair number three
santa left a photo he took of us sleeping no no no no number two no no no i
said hug grandma and water
the tree and the number one thing you don't want to hear on christmas morning
just messing with you
kids give the presents back ladies gentlemen all night long we have little
specials for you because
it is the new year's eve take a look at this our own stage manager biff henderson
with champagne
squirting out his ears go ahead biff give it a try
it is the new year who's coming out of his ear and the other side it looks like
it's coming out of his jugular vein but it's
we'll get that fine-tuned we'll get that dialed up for it every yeah all right
let's try it again here we go
yeah one side here now it's coming out of his undershirt but you know
it's technology it's not perfect we'll keep working on it yeah and pass the
savings on to
you folks now you do this thing where you have this one-man show it wasn't
written as a one-man
show but that's what it is no it was a novel it was a very successful novel but
dickens was the
first person to perform it as a one-man show he took it on the road himself
doing dramatic readings
but i've i have a stage version which is learned and fully performed now when
dickens did this what what
year are we talking about well the book was published in 1843 we have just
passed the 151st
anniversary of the publication of the book and uh
oh man these folks are still pulling for dickens isn't that good here all right
charlie
yes to me very interesting reaction and you know we're hoping to have him on
the show one night
but now uh how many written parts are there that you do there are somewhere
between 39 and 45
different roles or some of them are inanimate objects that i get to play yeah
but like what for
example well um inanimate the goose um someone once claimed they saw me play
the stuffing as well as
the goose but that was in the adult version of the show hello testing one two
but um this you're
hesitating for a moment you are hesitant i love it when i see you hesitate well
you came on a good
night then uh but you know people have uh who have seen this are just uh amazed
at the remarkable
job it's it's not just a guy doing a reading of a christmas carol it'