Name: Adam Sandler Can't Handle Hanukkah | David Letterman
Uploaded: 2024-12-25T16:00:15.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Adam Sandler Can't Handle Hanukkah | David Letterman' from Letterman on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-12-25. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Adam Sandler Can't Handle Hanukkah | David Letterman' from Letterman on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-12-25. Transcript available.

Adam Sandler Can't Handle Hanukkah | David Letterman

Boy, thanks for the Christmas present, Dave. That's a real surprise.
Well, you're welcome, Paul.
Yeah, you know, it's especially a surprise because I've worked for you for 25
years and you forgot I'm Jewish, you stupid, stupid .
Happy Hanukkah!
Paul mentioned Hanukkah, and I had no idea.
Apparently there's a problem that can develop connected to Hanukkah.
In giving of one of the Hanukkah gifts, one of the typical, traditional Hanukkah
gifts, there could be a problem.
I had no idea. You know what I'm talking about?
No, I don't know anything.
Take a look at this public service announcement. Watch this.
Hanukkah, the festival of lights, a time for lighting the menorah, eating
potato pancakes, and playing dreidel.
Unfortunately, too many dreidel players develop serious gambling addictions,
ultimately losing their savings, their homes, even their families.
If you've got a dreidel problem, get help. Call the Dreidel Anonymous hotline
today.
And happy Hanukkah!
Dreidel Problems.
Dreidel Anonymous.
Welcome back to the show, and happy holidays. How are things going for you?
Well, I'm in the middle of the Hanukkah blues.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, you know, it's the fifth night. No one really cares. We don't have -- not
a lot of excitement for this one.
You know, and we just can't compete. We can't compete.
No, we just can't. We can't. Thanks for the --
It's not a competition.
Well, for us it is. Everything's a competition.
You have Santa Claus. We have Simon Wiesenthal. We can't win.
How do we win this?
Well, you know, the -- the important thing for all of us now, especially at our
age, you look wonderful.
Well, you look great. What are you doing?
All right. What am I --
Yeah. I want to know.
What am I doing?
Yeah.
That's -- that's a very L.A. Christmas thing.
Yeah.
You look great. What are you doing?
That's right.
And then you get the -- the Botox woman with the Chardonnay breath at the party.
Hello, Billy. You look fabulous.
Really good.
Will there be a valet? Is there valet?
I need the valet for the parking.
I can't smile. I'll crack my cheeks.
I don't know if you heard about this, but a couple of weeks ago, Barack Obama,
because he was going to be out of town,
he decided that he would light up a menorah like three weeks ago.
Well, it had nothing to do with Hanukkah.
It'd be -- it's like putting up a Christmas tree in April.
But -- but he said, "You know what? I'm going to be out of town.
Let me just light that menorah and run -- run to there."
So they put up the menorah and they -- they lit it up.
Now -- now, I thought, "Well, this is bizarre."
But it's not the first time that a president has made a Hanukkah-related
mistake.
You know what I'm talking about?
No, I don't.
Here, watch this one.
December 4th, 2007. George W. Bush pardons a matzo ball.
This has been "Other Presidential Hanukkah Gaffs."
Pardon the matzo ball. That's what happened to pardon the matzo ball.
Welcome back to the show. Andy, tell me, are you enjoying the holiday season?
Oh, I can't get enough of it, or any of it, really.
Really? Yeah.
I'm -- I was raised Jewish, but my wife is Christian.
So this time of year, you know, I go that route.
I see.
That's what I do, you know?
I did -- I'm pitching a reality show, though, about a Hanukkah.
Oh.
And it's called "Jew Viver."
I'm sorry?
"Jew Viver."
"Jew Viver."
Yeah.
Really rolls off the tongue.
It really does. It's catchy.
And what we do is we lock ten Jews in a house, Big Brother style,
and we force them to celebrate all eight days of Hanukkah together.
Uh-huh.
But the gimmick is, at the end of the eight days, we vote a Jew into the house.
I see.
Well, good luck with that project.
Now, have you done all your Christmas shopping, Andy?
Well, you know, what happens is you try and think of clever things,
and then, of course, you end up at Brookstone two days before Christmas.
Right.
Where every --
Big --
Big Brooks --
I thought it was a more sharper image crowd.
Okay.
But --
And every item at Brookstone has a digital clock attached to it.
Mm-hmm.
There's a --
They got a digital clock.
They got a golf ball with a digital clock in it.
They got a neck pillow with, like, a digital clock.
Hey, how long have I been napping?
They have an analog clock with a digital clock.
Is that right?
Yeah.
Wow.
What they always do is they combine features on an item that you wouldn't
normally think of.
So, for example, it's a tape-measured digital clock thermometer compass, right?
So, it's like, hey, is it too cold to measure the patio?
Oh!
Oh, I'm lost!
How will I --
The compass will get me back to the kitchen.
Thank --
Thank --
Thank goodness for that, I say.
You get a lot of shopping there.
Uh, letter number four.
Uh, hi.
Hope you have a very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.
Bob and Pauline.
Wow.
That's a very nice, lovely wish, Bob and Pauline.
And, uh, the same to you folks.
This comes to us from Bob and Pauline.
And, congratulations.
Thank you very much.
The same to you folks.
Nice.
Yeah.
Yeah.
You know?
Can I -- can I ask a question?
Well, yeah, why?
Because that was --
Well, everybody talks so much about Christmas this time.
Bob and Pauline, yeah, wishing me a Merry Christmas.
Yeah.
I know.
Uh, let me ask you something, though.
You know, uh, everybody talks so much about Christmas.
I don't think some -- a lot of people know enough about -- about Hanukkah.
Yeah.
Uh, do you mind if I say a couple words?
No.
By all means, go ahead.
Okay.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Well, Hanukkah, or the Festival of Lights, is celebrated over eight consecutive
nights in December.
Hanukkah began 25 years ago when a magical talking dragon flew down from the
moon to try to eat a man named Steve Hanukkah.
Well, with the help of his nine-pronged lightsaber, or menorah, Steve killed
the dragon.
And so now, every year, on Hanukkah Eve, boys and girls all over the world wait
with bated breath for -- Regis Philbin!
Thank you, Ben.
Happy Hanukkah!
Hey, Dave!
All right, that's pretty good.
So, Happy Hanukkah, everybody.
Happy Hanukkah.
Thank you.
Thank you, Paul.
Right away.
I appreciate that, Paul.
Nice job.
And you can send any outraged letters of complaint to Regis Philbin in care of
live with the
Regis and Kathie Lee, 1697 Broadway, New York, New York, 10019.
There you go.
And now, holidays and the family and the kids and the grandma.
It must be great for you, the holidays, right?
I mean, it is great.
It is great.
I have all my families coming out to see us out in California.
And I have my wife's families coming, my family, and it's like 10 on both sides
showing.
Everyone's just showing up.
It should be great.
It should be good.
I have a big house, but not that big.
And so we're all wondering who's going to stay where, you know?
Like, hey, she wants her family there at our house.
And I'm like, yeah, we should do that.
And my family, you know, if your family's there, my family should be.
It's kind of like, so we just, I ended up making a compromise.
They're all going to stay at my house and I'm just going to hang myself.
Well, that actually, I think that'll kind of put a cast of Paul on the holidays.
Really?
Yeah.
I was going to do it in the basement.
No one's going to see.
And is the two year old excited?
She's, you know, it's great.
It's a, it's the first Hanukkah that she, she knows what's going on.
She's been seeing a lot of Christmas stuff and I have no idea how to handle
this.
You know, that, that, no, no, that's not for you.
Yeah.
You're, it's rough.
It's very difficult.
I had no idea how hard it was going to be.
It would be, sure.
My, uh, I, you know, I'm like, we were at the mall and Santa Claus was there.
All the kids were lined up and my kid starts lining up.
I'm like, go, go, go.
And I said, why not?
Well, all right.
Well, you know, I was trying to give her like nice positive things about, well,
you know,
these kids get to sit on Santa's lap.
You get to sit on your aunt Faye's lap.
Uh, these kids, these kids are all getting toys.
Aunt Faye's going to give you some diabetic candy.
They, they both have beards.
Oh.
It's sad.
No, it's good.
She's, uh, I'm doing it better than my father.
My father, I'd be like, uh, hey, dad, can I celebrate that?
Can I see Santa?
No.
Mm.
Just eat your Chinese food and shut up.
Really?
That was the holidays.
That was a gentle, gentle.
Yeah.
Little shot of Lincoln center.
And I see the wreath over there and the beautiful wreaths and the lights and
our beautiful Christmas tree.
It reminds me, I just want to take a second here to thank everybody because it
happens year in and year out.
And especially this year with the baby, I'm getting so many gifts and cards for
Christmas.
And I just want to thank everybody for being so kind to me and to my family.
And it just makes you really feel good.
And it really makes you, the more you get, the more you want to give.
For example, what do you, Paul, what do you want for Christmas?
Very nice.
What do I want for Christmas?
Yeah.
Well, you know, let me try to express it musically.
Wow.
What do I want for Christmas?
What could it be?
Is it skis?
Is it CDs?
Is it a sports car?
Is it caviar?
Well, I hope that this Christmas brings everything you wish.
But I tell you every year, you idiot, I don't want anything for Christmas
because I'm Jewish.
You know what I'm saying?
Thank you.
Yeah.
All right.
I forgot.
That's right.
Thank you very much, Paul.
Anytime.
Ladies and gentlemen, now you're in luck.
It's time to play How Do You Spell Hanukkah.
Here we go, boys.
How do you spell Hanukkah?
And to help us play How Do You Spell Hanukkah, say hello to America's foremost
mentalist,
Kreskin, ladies and gentlemen, the amazing Kreskin.
Here we go.
No gifts.
No gifts.
No gifts.
No gifts.
I don't give out gifts.
Kreskin was with us during the Thanksgiving season and we played black, dark
meat or white meat, and then you would try to determine mentally whether
somebody liked a dark meat or white meat.
You turned my life upside down.
I can't go anywhere.
You were right.
You were like 50%.
Which is a great odds.
You've got one right.
Great odds there.
So tonight we're going to have you play How Do You Spell Hanukkah?
I don't know how.
You probably know there are many.
Do you celebrate Hanukkah?
Well, my agent does.
My manager does.
There's only...
And his manager.
I do too.
I do too.
I do too.
What did I say wrong?
What is going on here?
How are you?
I'm marvelous.
Please just sit down.
I should tell him how he is.
That's all right.
So you do...
You do celebrate...
Of course I do.
I celebrate Christmas.
I celebrate Hanukkah.
Are you Jewish as well?
No, but when I leave mass, I celebrate Hanukkah.
I like both.
So you're not Jewish, but yet you celebrate Hanukkah?
Well, what's wrong with that, David?
Well, there's nothing wrong.
You're not on trial.
Would you relax?
This is not a gift for you.
You're not Jewish, but yet you celebrate Hanukkah.
Every...
Where I walk, people say, "What was in the damn box?"
So I'm just...
I'm not even telling you what's in the box.
Last time I was here.
Oh, jeez.
Why?
Just please sit down.
All right, David.
My three guards, the last time was two.
The first time was one.
That's right.
It's like I'm a criminal.
All right, just relax.
We're here to play.
I'm calm.
I'm very calm.
Man.
Call the home.
We're gonna play "How Do You Spell Hanukkah?"
There are many different ways to spell Hanukkah.
I don't know how, David.
And we're gonna contact...
Paul, tell them who we have standing by...
Houdini?
Yeah.
Who we have standing by here on the phone.
Go ahead, Paul.
David, today on the phone, we have star of television and film,
Mr. Tom Arnold.
Tom Arnold, ladies and gentlemen.
Good afternoon, Tom.
Oh, I like Tom.
How are you?
Hey.
Tom, how are you doing?
Thanks for helping out.
Good.
Tom, I'm here with the amazing Kreskin, and we're going to play "How Do You Spell
Hanukkah?"
By the way, happy holidays to you, sir.
Thank you.
Do you celebrate Hanukkah and Christmas?
Christmas, Hanukkah, both?
What do you do?
We do both here.
You celebrate both.