Name: Top Ten Fun With The Sopranos, Tom Cruise, Betty White And More | David Letterman
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Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Top Ten Fun With The Sopranos, Tom Cruise, Betty White And More | David Letterman' from Letterman on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-01-22. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Top Ten Fun With The Sopranos, Tom Cruise, Betty White And More | David Letterman' from Letterman on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-01-22. Transcript available.

okay
category no let me start no from the home office in wahoo nebraska tonight's
top ten okay
this is the topic is the craziest things people say about tom cruise on the
internet oh that's a
good that's a good category that's a okay that's perfect because
they have this thing called the the internet yeah and and people have what they
call blogs
and they can say anything they want might have heard about this craziest things
they
say okay number ten i sleep upside down suspended and a special bat-like
harness
i've heard that no yeah number nine during the filming of days of thunder on a
dare i ate a tire
number eight i still wear those underpants from risky business number seven my
real number seven my
real name is tom blagojevich yeah that's right number six i once what's this
i can't really yes i once heimlich to koala number five once a month i take the
universal tour naked
number four i believe all emotional and psychological disorders can be cured
with vick's vaporub
there you go
okay number three i'm a power mad egomaniac who's completely insulated from
reality oh wait that's
that's letterman
okay number two after jumping on her couch oprah hammerlocked me till i cough
blood
ouch really hammerlocked you that's awful and the number one craziest thing
people say about
me on the internet is number one i keep a cell phone in my pants so i can tell
friends call my ass
the category tonight this is a good one because we have many fine actors and
actresses on the program
the category top 10 reasons i like being an actor ah you know it's not easy
work sure it's glamorous
but it's not easy not easy to be an actor here are top 10 reasons i like being
an actor and ladies
gentlemen presenting tonight's top 10 list stars of the new film a righteous
kill here's robert de niro
all right
top 10 reasons i like being an actor here we go number 10. sometimes when i go
to the movies
the popcorn guy will give me a free squirt of chemical butter
chemical butter chemical butter chemical butter uh number nine every time i go
to work
i get to ask myself i wonder if i'll see harvey keitel naked yeah the lucky man
top 10 reasons i like being an actor number eight well you got to keep honing
your craft or you could
end up out of the business and taking a job as governor of california yes
exactly
that's right number seven if you do a scene where you're eating pudding they
often let you keep the
pudding
well you can't argue with that can't beat that number six
i got to meet spider-man
spider-man he got to meet spider-man happy for him uh number five
it's the makeup i like wearing the makeup
reasons i like being an actor number four
we'll get to make films for personal reasons i made righteous kill to let
people know i'm still alive
alive good idea that's good number three i get to make films for personal
reasons i made righteous kill
to see if al was still alive that's right see if al was still alive yeah
exactly number two
beats my old gig as a hockey mom what what is he talking about hockey mom
and the number one reason i like being an actor
get to read well-crafted dialogue like get out of here yeah exactly
the category tonight top 10 reasons to go see the new movie bruno
bruno uh opens tonight at midnight and uh well that's just in a couple of
minutes for as a matter
of fact you gotta gotta get me a cab and get out of here for god's sakes
top 10 reasons now to go see the new movie bruno and here presenting tonight's
top 10 list
from the new film bruno please welcome bruno
yeah how you doing
what put that back in my closet when you're done with it
huh top 10 reasons to go see the new movie bruno here we go number 10
it's like transformers but not as gay
really wow not as gay not as gay apparently uh number nine features lots of
suggestive words like
bratwurst and schnitzel
top 10 reasons to go see the new movie bruno number eight
number number eight bruno i'm sorry i got distracted by how delicious i love
all right let's move on then
number seven
if you ask nicely the guys behind the candy counter will rub the chemical
butter all over your buttocks
that's uh that's uh that's a reason to go see the movie
number six don't you want to see a crazy gay austrian who isn't the governor of
california
i don't think that
first first alaska now california we're working our way
working our way down the west coast uh number five it's rated f
for fabulous
number four oh i do a lot of this
boy are we selling tickets now or what
uh number two
harry potter isn't the only movie character who's good with his wand yeah
nice job
i'm sorry that was my mistake that was number three number three if you're
scoring at home
number two bruno is a flamboyantly gay entertainer who makes people
uncomfortable
like david letterman
and the number one reason to go see the new movie bruno
hello i'm in it yeah sure
the uh category tonight uh top 10 uh top 10 betty white tips for living a long
and happy life how
about that and who is who is a better example of a long happy life oh no one
betty white oh and
it's wonderful beloved uh very talented always been very funny and the category
top 10 tips from betty
white for living a long and happy life and now ladies and gentlemen presenting
tonight's top 10 list the
lovely and talented betty white
betty white
thank you so much betty
the category betty white tips for living a long and happy life here we go
number 10
get at least eight hours of beauty sleep nine if you're ugly
doesn't hurt go that extra hour
number nine exercise or don't what the hell do i care
make it you you didn't have a dog in this fight
number eight
never apologize it shows weakness
number seven
the best way to earn a quick buck is a slip and fall lawsuit
number six
avoid tweeting any photos of your private parts
number five
schedule a nightly appointment with dr johnny walker
yeah yeah buddy
number four
take some wheatgrass soy paste and carob
toss in the garbage and cook yourself a big-ass piece of pork
number three
try not to die
exactly
number two
never dwell on past mistakes
especially you lebron thank you thank you very much
and the number one betty white tip for living a long and happy life
don't waste your time watching this crap
category tonight i think you're going to be surprised and impressed
uh oh and did i say delighted
the category tonight little known facts about justin bieber justin bieber hi
here
wildly successful and uh and i i don't mean to embarrass anybody but he's still
just a kid
i mean he's just a kid and a phenomenon in the history of show business the kid
comes out and bang
people go crazy uh some parts of the world when he comes out bang they drop
dead they're so excited
they don't know what to do they drop they drop dead really i'm telling you and
they they like
to hush this up at the mortality rate at this kid's wow concerts i've never
heard higher it's
above the norm that's it's above i'd see it's scanning above the thing sure
yeah oh uh but even
at 16 there's a lot uh that you know about the guy and a lot you don't know
about a lot of things
and here now listen to this and he had the uh uh it's the documentary remember
it's bb
bieber was that what it was called was that what it was called what was it
called huh i thought it
was bieber that's all yeah was that it was leave leave it to bieber no it wasn't
it wasn't any of
these what was it i don't know it's tremendously successful and yeah very and
it told you everything
no no no no i thought everything you would ever want to know about justin bieber
was told oh no
you couldn't be more wrong moose breath
little now at the top ten list tonight did we open the family i have yes it is
little known facts about justin bieber paul's right you think that everything
had been covered now no
little known facts now presenting tonight's top ten list ladies and gentlemen
please welcome pop
sensation justin bieber
look at that come on he's just a kid look at this you know i'm surprised they're
shooting him from the
waist down he is dynamite now listen uh seriously quit throwing the paper on
the lawn he has no idea who i am
you don't know who i am you don't know who i am you don't know you don't know
you know who i am
you don't stay up this late do you no all right good uh top ten uh little known
facts about justin bieber
here we go number ten my new fragrance someday also makes a delicious low-calorie
salad dressing
look at that there it is there it is right there ladies and gentlemen someday
look at that beautiful
is it for i have been dying at is this for ladies well ask the ask the kid justin
yeah for is it for ladies it's for it's for women yeah well oh women okay
not for you are
you are too romantic right there yeah he's got a little something else for the
ladies
i don't know what that means i don't know what it means i don't know what we're
better off not
not knowing uh number nine i served eight months in prison for siphoning gas
yeah oh i did not
know that that wasn't in the documentary i know that's the thing that was done
number eight
the first thing i bought when i hit it big was a four sliced toaster yeah the
kid loves to make sandwiches
number seven as hard as i've tried i don't know how to not be adorable yeah
got to spend the day with me
number six justin bieber is my secret identity i'm really green lantern
yeah he is number five i'm not really a big fan of kevin james
sorry number four i begged my publicist to get me out of this yeah how'd that
go
how'd that go
it's good right
number three last week i accidentally waited in line for two hours for my own
autograph
my mom had to remind me that he's not larry king
and the number one little known fact about justin bieber
it's a hair piece
this is uh this is a great top 10 list i don't we've never done anything quite
like this before
this is fantastic this list now these will be the top 10 thoughts uh going
through the mind of
will ferrell uh just before he makes his appearance out here tonight and i i
think he's
i think he's in the green room is is will hi will how are you nice to see you
you look great i can't tell you how much i enjoyed your new movie i really got
a kick out of that
nice job and congratulations all right now you understand how this works all
you have to do uh
is is think is that all he has to do and then we'll do the rest okay
top 10 thoughts going through will ferrell's mind just before he comes out on
the show number 10
here we go ah the vicodin is kicking in
top 10 thoughts like it is kicking in number nine do i look too handsome almost
i'd say almost
almost on that one number eight that pre-show jambalaya was a bad idea
really number seven will doing this help me get an appearance on leno hey wait
a minute i heard
i heard this i heard i'm right out here for god's sakes uh number six
gotta practice three two one fake smile
nice job number five don't be obvious plugging the film casa de mi padre in
theaters march 16th
all right good sure number four okay three two one fake laugh
number number three lady i'm your knight and shining armor and i love you
number two god look at dave so sexy
i just want to run my hands along his body will focus
and the number one thought going through will ferrell's mind just before he
comes out here tonight
did i remember to wear pants
the category tonight reasons i homer simpson am proud to be an american that's
why i mentioned that
about the simpsons yeah yeah the category tonight top 10 reasons i homer simpson
am proud to be an
american ladies and gentlemen here to present tonight's top 10 list the
patriarch of the simpsons
homer simpson thank you very much homer thank you so much for being here you're
looking even more
yellow than ever and thank you how you doing buddy oh uh i was told there was
no chit chat but you know
it's great it's great to be here with you and your son paul thank you very much
my son paul
good to see you and thank you as well top 10 reasons uh i homer simpson proud
to be in america
number 10 ladies and gentlemen high obesity rates make me feel better about my
body that's right
number nine warnings on cups tell you hot things are hot
yes number eight america has won every super bowl yeah look it up yeah
number seven our flag doesn't have any weird stuff on it that's right
number six it's the home of french fries german chocolate cake and korean
barbecue
he loves loves the barbecue uh number five no other country has cars i assume
yeah that's right
we're the only cars number four we own hawaii yeah buddy
number three not a nation of blowhard tea bags like england
number two even a dumb guy can have his own show right dave
that's right i'm the president of that club homer
and the number one reason i over simpson am proud to be an american
we're the first country to leave trash on the moon
it's a big night it's a big night for us here at the ed sullivan theater the
late show
and the category for tonight's top 10 a top 10 m m pieces of advice for the
kids
eminem pieces of advice for the kids knows a lot about life had a great deal of
success who would
know more about pieces of advice for kids than eminem and now to present
tonight's top 10 list please
welcome rapper producer and actor eminem
thank you very much thank you for being here thanks for having me
here we go eminem pieces of advice for the kids number 10
keep it real keep it real that's right keep it real
number nine no one's ever regretted a tattoo that's right
number eight with foreign markets volatile now's a good time to invest in bonds
i think he's right
i think he's right
number seven ghosty toy story 3 the toys are back in town
number six always purchase music through authorized retailers that pay royalties
to the artists
number five don't get mixed up with drugs gangs or oil executives
good advice
number four remember the magic words please thank you and step off
number three
money doesn't buy happiness it buys crazy-ass happiness
number two
if i sign something for you and i see it on ebay when you go home i'm going to
be under your bed
and the number one eminem piece of advice for the kids
don't waste your time watching this show
the category top 10 things never before said on the sopranos oh how about that
interesting has there been a bigger more exciting show than the soprano no and
not only that but they've said everything on that show there's no holds barred
no apparently not all language they see a huge language i'm sorry but no the
top 10 things never before said so there are we have 10 things that have never
before said on the soprano all right yeah and here to present tonight's top 10
list the cast members of the popular hbo
series The Sopranos. Number ten, Dominic Chianese. You don't have the money?
That's cool.
There you go. Thank you, Dominic. Number nine, Aida Turturro.
Screw this home cooking. I'm going to the Olive Garden.
Yes, thank you very much. Number eight, Steven Van Zandt.
In addition to disposing of bodies, you'll need to know how to use PowerPoint
and Excel.
Thank you, Steven. Number seven, Robert Eiler.
Wasn't that the guy from Springsteen's E Street Band?
Number six, Jamie Lynn Descala.
I just hooked up an illegal cable box, and now I'm getting free HBO.
Way to go.
Nice going.
Number five, Tony Sirico.
Tony, I'm gonna need to leave early today for Rosh Hashanah.
Tony, I'm gonna need to leave early today for Rosh Hashanah.
Number four, Drea Di Matteo.
I want a bigger part.
What are you gonna do, kill my character?
Number five, Michael Imperioli.
Hey, Paulie, how about you and me going up to Massachusetts and get married?
Number two, Edie Falco.
I can't go to prison.
Martha Stewart will eat me alive.
Yes, she will.
And the number one thing never before set on The Sopranos, James Gandolfini.
I just whacked myself.
Hey, what, what, what, what?

Top Ten Fun With The Sopranos, Tom Cruise, Betty White And More | David Letterman

okay
category no let me start no from the home office in wahoo nebraska tonight's
top ten okay
this is the topic is the craziest things people say about tom cruise on the
internet oh that's a
good that's a good category that's a okay that's perfect because
they have this thing called the the internet yeah and and people have what they
call blogs
and they can say anything they want might have heard about this craziest things
they
say okay number ten i sleep upside down suspended and a special bat-like
harness
i've heard that no yeah number nine during the filming of days of thunder on a
dare i ate a tire
number eight i still wear those underpants from risky business number seven my
real number seven my
real name is tom blagojevich yeah that's right number six i once what's this
i can't really yes i once heimlich to koala number five once a month i take the
universal tour naked
number four i believe all emotional and psychological disorders can be cured
with vick's vaporub
there you go
okay number three i'm a power mad egomaniac who's completely insulated from
reality oh wait that's
that's letterman
okay number two after jumping on her couch oprah hammerlocked me till i cough
blood
ouch really hammerlocked you that's awful and the number one craziest thing
people say about
me on the internet is number one i keep a cell phone in my pants so i can tell
friends call my ass
the category tonight this is a good one because we have many fine actors and
actresses on the program
the category top 10 reasons i like being an actor ah you know it's not easy
work sure it's glamorous
but it's not easy not easy to be an actor here are top 10 reasons i like being
an actor and ladies
gentlemen presenting tonight's top 10 list stars of the new film a righteous
kill here's robert de niro
all right
top 10 reasons i like being an actor here we go number 10. sometimes when i go
to the movies
the popcorn guy will give me a free squirt of chemical butter
chemical butter chemical butter chemical butter uh number nine every time i go
to work
i get to ask myself i wonder if i'll see harvey keitel naked yeah the lucky man
top 10 reasons i like being an actor number eight well you got to keep honing
your craft or you could
end up out of the business and taking a job as governor of california yes
exactly
that's right number seven if you do a scene where you're eating pudding they
often let you keep the
pudding
well you can't argue with that can't beat that number six
i got to meet spider-man
spider-man he got to meet spider-man happy for him uh number five
it's the makeup i like wearing the makeup
reasons i like being an actor number four
we'll get to make films for personal reasons i made righteous kill to let
people know i'm still alive
alive good idea that's good number three i get to make films for personal
reasons i made righteous kill
to see if al was still alive that's right see if al was still alive yeah
exactly number two
beats my old gig as a hockey mom what what is he talking about hockey mom
and the number one reason i like being an actor
get to read well-crafted dialogue like get out of here yeah exactly
the category tonight top 10 reasons to go see the new movie bruno
bruno uh opens tonight at midnight and uh well that's just in a couple of
minutes for as a matter
of fact you gotta gotta get me a cab and get out of here for god's sakes
top 10 reasons now to go see the new movie bruno and here presenting tonight's
top 10 list
from the new film bruno please welcome bruno
yeah how you doing
what put that back in my closet when you're done with it
huh top 10 reasons to go see the new movie bruno here we go number 10
it's like transformers but not as gay
really wow not as gay not as gay apparently uh number nine features lots of
suggestive words like
bratwurst and schnitzel
top 10 reasons to go see the new movie bruno number eight
number number eight bruno i'm sorry i got distracted by how delicious i love
all right let's move on then
number seven
if you ask nicely the guys behind the candy counter will rub the chemical
butter all over your buttocks
that's uh that's uh that's a reason to go see the movie
number six don't you want to see a crazy gay austrian who isn't the governor of
california
i don't think that
first first alaska now california we're working our way
working our way down the west coast uh number five it's rated f
for fabulous
number four oh i do a lot of this
boy are we selling tickets now or what
uh number two
harry potter isn't the only movie character who's good with his wand yeah
nice job
i'm sorry that was my mistake that was number three number three if you're
scoring at home
number two bruno is a flamboyantly gay entertainer who makes people
uncomfortable
like david letterman
and the number one reason to go see the new movie bruno
hello i'm in it yeah sure
the uh category tonight uh top 10 uh top 10 betty white tips for living a long
and happy life how
about that and who is who is a better example of a long happy life oh no one
betty white oh and
it's wonderful beloved uh very talented always been very funny and the category
top 10 tips from betty
white for living a long and happy life and now ladies and gentlemen presenting
tonight's top 10 list the
lovely and talented betty white
betty white
thank you so much betty
the category betty white tips for living a long and happy life here we go
number 10
get at least eight hours of beauty sleep nine if you're ugly
doesn't hurt go that extra hour
number nine exercise or don't what the hell do i care
make it you you didn't have a dog in this fight
number eight
never apologize it shows weakness
number seven
the best way to earn a quick buck is a slip and fall lawsuit
number six
avoid tweeting any photos of your private parts
number five
schedule a nightly appointment with dr johnny walker
yeah yeah buddy
number four
take some wheatgrass soy paste and carob
toss in the garbage and cook yourself a big-ass piece of pork
number three
try not to die
exactly
number two
never dwell on past mistakes
especially you lebron thank you thank you very much
and the number one betty white tip for living a long and happy life
don't waste your time watching this crap
category tonight i think you're going to be surprised and impressed
uh oh and did i say delighted
the category tonight little known facts about justin bieber justin bieber hi
here
wildly successful and uh and i i don't mean to embarrass anybody but he's still
just a kid
i mean he's just a kid and a phenomenon in the history of show business the kid
comes out and bang
people go crazy uh some parts of the world when he comes out bang they drop
dead they're so excited
they don't know what to do they drop they drop dead really i'm telling you and
they they like
to hush this up at the mortality rate at this kid's wow concerts i've never
heard higher it's
above the norm that's it's above i'd see it's scanning above the thing sure
yeah oh uh but even
at 16 there's a lot uh that you know about the guy and a lot you don't know
about a lot of things
and here now listen to this and he had the uh uh it's the documentary remember
it's bb
bieber was that what it was called was that what it was called what was it
called huh i thought it
was bieber that's all yeah was that it was leave leave it to bieber no it wasn't
it wasn't any of
these what was it i don't know it's tremendously successful and yeah very and
it told you everything
no no no no i thought everything you would ever want to know about justin bieber
was told oh no
you couldn't be more wrong moose breath
little now at the top ten list tonight did we open the family i have yes it is
little known facts about justin bieber paul's right you think that everything
had been covered now no
little known facts now presenting tonight's top ten list ladies and gentlemen
please welcome pop
sensation justin bieber
look at that come on he's just a kid look at this you know i'm surprised they're
shooting him from the
waist down he is dynamite now listen uh seriously quit throwing the paper on
the lawn he has no idea who i am
you don't know who i am you don't know who i am you don't know you don't know
you know who i am
you don't stay up this late do you no all right good uh top ten uh little known
facts about justin bieber
here we go number ten my new fragrance someday also makes a delicious low-calorie
salad dressing
look at that there it is there it is right there ladies and gentlemen someday
look at that beautiful
is it for i have been dying at is this for ladies well ask the ask the kid justin
yeah for is it for ladies it's for it's for women yeah well oh women okay
not for you are
you are too romantic right there yeah he's got a little something else for the
ladies
i don't know what that means i don't know what it means i don't know what we're
better off not
not knowing uh number nine i served eight months in prison for siphoning gas
yeah oh i did not
know that that wasn't in the documentary i know that's the thing that was done
number eight
the first thing i bought when i hit it big was a four sliced toaster yeah the
kid loves to make sandwiches
number seven as hard as i've tried i don't know how to not be adorable yeah
got to spend the day with me
number six justin bieber is my secret identity i'm really green lantern
yeah he is number five i'm not really a big fan of kevin james
sorry number four i begged my publicist to get me out of this yeah how'd that
go
how'd that go
it's good right
number three last week i accidentally waited in line for two hours for my own
autograph
my mom had to remind me that he's not larry king
and the number one little known fact about justin bieber
it's a hair piece
this is uh this is a great top 10 list i don't we've never done anything quite
like this before
this is fantastic this list now these will be the top 10 thoughts uh going
through the mind of
will ferrell uh just before he makes his appearance out here tonight and i i
think he's
i think he's in the green room is is will hi will how are you nice to see you
you look great i can't tell you how much i enjoyed your new movie i really got
a kick out of that
nice job and congratulations all right now you understand how this works all
you have to do uh
is is think is that all he has to do and then we'll do the rest okay
top 10 thoughts going through will ferrell's mind just before he comes out on
the show number 10
here we go ah the vicodin is kicking in
top 10 thoughts like it is kicking in number nine do i look too handsome almost
i'd say almost
almost on that one number eight that pre-show jambalaya was a bad idea
really number seven will doing this help me get an appearance on leno hey wait
a minute i heard
i heard this i heard i'm right out here for god's sakes uh number six
gotta practice three two one fake smile
nice job number five don't be obvious plugging the film casa de mi padre in
theaters march 16th
all right good sure number four okay three two one fake laugh
number number three lady i'm your knight and shining armor and i love you
number two god look at dave so sexy
i just want to run my hands along his body will focus
and the number one thought going through will ferrell's mind just before he
comes out here tonight
did i remember to wear pants
the category tonight reasons i homer simpson am proud to be an american that's
why i mentioned that
about the simpsons yeah yeah the category tonight top 10 reasons i homer simpson
am proud to be an
american ladies and gentlemen here to present tonight's top 10 list the
patriarch of the simpsons
homer simpson thank you very much homer thank you so much for being here you're
looking even more
yellow than ever and thank you how you doing buddy oh uh i was told there was
no chit chat but you know
it's great it's great to be here with you and your son paul thank you very much
my son paul
good to see you and thank you as well top 10 reasons uh i homer simpson proud
to be in america
number 10 ladies and gentleme