Name: The Best Of Julia Roberts, Part 2 | David Letterman
Uploaded: 2025-01-29T16:00:06.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'The Best Of Julia Roberts, Part 2 | David Letterman' from Letterman on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-01-29. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'The Best Of Julia Roberts, Part 2 | David Letterman' from Letterman on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-01-29. Transcript available.

there's a lot of people that were on the program we must have had a lot of
people on the program
but i keep thinking about some of them and julia roberts is certainly one and
they're they're you're
either in the group of people i think about because you were tremendous and
exciting and
i would always look forward to them or something god-awful happened julia roberts
of course is in
the former category and there was a thing where i'm not sure what we were doing
exactly but at
the end of the segment tom hanks does this ring a bell yeah so what didn't he
kind of come on as
if he was a contestant on the dating game or something was it like the dating
game i wish
we could have why can't we see it i wish we i think i think we're likely about
to see it oh good yeah
but the big surprise i mean there you've got it i mean there was a time when
that was show business
julia roberts tom hanks put them together kaboom yeah shut everything down that's
all you needed
anywhere anytime for any reason and we had him on the program now you gotta
have demi lovato
i guess anyway take a look at this more julia roberts have you ever worked with
a guy who is just
horrible as an actor i mean not as an actor but a horrible person you mentioned
that clive owen is a
guy that you think is okay yes i do have you ever worked with a guy who's just
a raging maniac just a
just a crazy man has that ever happened yes yeah yeah
i wonder what that would be like yeah one of those guys that throws fits on the
set yeah and storms off
oh yeah oh yeah now we're talking well one of us is
but but uh but uh and then but that must put you uh in an awkward position as
well as the crew
yeah
okay wait a minute here's the thing just between us right
i did one time work with the person
zip but a famous actor well you know famous actor so we're not gonna yeah okay
if they don't interrogate me no no i'm not gonna interrogate you i'm just
saying a famous actor okay
because you you do you expect this kind of behavior from the really really big
stars
yes or no yes or no yes or no yes oh i'm such an amateur oh you're fine um so
we're shooting
and this person suddenly got uh annoyed at you know people talking while we
were shooting which
is bad you don't want talking you want people to be hanging on your every you
know whatever
so he got annoyed and expressed that and said like will you bleep me
will i believe you no i yeah because i don't want to
good night everybody wow
holy cow i thought you'd never ask and all all these years and now who would
have guessed it right here on
saint patrick's day the husband must be out of the country
so anyway
yeah i know
no go ahead say whatever you need to say
yeah say it okay really true are you ready i'm ready he's like
shut up what the is wrong with you people okay yep right yep i never talk like
that unless i'm quoting
and so everybody gets very tense and quiet and we continue on and some other
weird things happen and
he starts to go all existential and like grow another head and then uh
and then we're shooting and an acorn falls from a tree
and he goes what was that did you guys not hear me oh oh oh oh oh and the ad
says
it was an acorn sir falling from the tree sir right then he really goes nutso
and seriously he really goes bananas and starts attacking the director the
nicest man on the planet
just keep with me right you don't know what you're talking about
i'm not staying around for this he gets in his car
people what i'll never work again i'm telling this story he says he gets in his
car he tells his
driver run him down run him down
yeah run him down wow
run him down run him down what are you gonna do george clooney
okay uh i think so awkward
before we do a commercial i want to show people a uh a very very sweet
photograph oh me and my mother
this is uh something called in style i can't read it because the woman's head
is right there in the way
uh in style this is you and your lovely mother boy oh boy oh boy how about that
what a sweet photograph
that is there's your mom
that's very nice
i bet she loves the grandkids doesn't she yes she does yeah she does she's
crazy about them and they
love her have you have you noticed a fella said to me one time and i was a
panic-stricken about having
a child and he said don't worry he said one of the great things about it is it
brings so much love
into your house and and i didn't know what he was talking about until of course
i saw it happen it's
just a great thing yeah and now also i didn't know if you were aware of this
that my mother is
in this issue too oh god where is she
here it is right here there she is there she is right there
and i think i must have been out of town the day they took the photo
i don't know if i can look you in the eye anymore what's the matter last time i
saw you were single
and then i like hypnotized you in my white suit or something yeah right and you
went off and
married regina yeah that's right thank you very much it was where's the band
it was only a couple of days after uh your last visit i believe sometime in
march i believe that's
correct yeah sometime in march that's when i get married i have no i think it
was i think it was
something i think it was sometime in march i don't know yeah i got married so
but how long have you been
married like seven eight years seven years seven you have three kids
and i love the story about you uh marrying this guy uh a guy who works in craft
services
cinematographer cinematography now let's uh talk about something else uh wait i'm
not finished okay
i go right ahead i'm curious about a few things sure did she take your name yes
she did so she's mrs
letterman no she's dave
i don't know i just made that up
he's so funny yeah wouldn't that be stupid you're so much funnier than other
people who talk at this
time leave me alone hey knock it off
after the break top 10 ways barack obama celebrated his birthday and julia roberts
suffering from varicose veins i don't have a solution i'm just curious if you
are i'm sorry
can i just log a tiny complaint yeah what what i'm in the dressing room
watching and in the intro you
say and tonight julia roberts and they show a clip of me coming in right and
then they say
a problem with varicose veins
no and it just felt a little bit i know look i had nothing to do with it those
people over there
you talk you talk to those people over there they're the ones who did that why
why would you do
that to julia why you i'll tell you what because you're jealous you're all you're
all jealous
i'm so sorry i mean i do i have a couple of problems that we can discuss or
review but
varicose veins is actually not one of them no problems you have twins twin
girls is that what it
is no i don't boy and a girl twin boy and a girl i yeah twin boys we're narrowing
it down you have
three children i have three children okay the older oldest phineas boy yes he
is and his twin
is hazel his twin is hazel yes and then who else do you have then i have henry
well who's the twins
phineas and hazel yes and henry who's the oldest phineas so the twins are i'm
actually the oldest
children that i've given birth to okay and then comes henry who i gave birth to
two and a half
years later yeah well you're a very lucky woman to have this group of kids as
your family i am
because one of my sadnesses in life is that my son does does not have a brother
or a sister older or
i'm so sorry it's not going well she can't help no no don't like be worried i
have no control over
now you just finished a movie with tom hanks and biff henderson is in the movie
is this a typo okay
listen my first day i show up to on this tom hanks movie the great tom hanks he
has written this movie he
is going to star in this movie he is going to direct this movie he has asked me
to play a part in this
movie i'm very excited i show up my first day i'm a little bit nervous and i
walk on the set and who
do i see but my good friend biff henderson come on out come on out is that true
what's in the movie
sit down it's gonna be like carson come on what is the uh how many movies have
you done with tom hanks
um i don't know 12. and no like yeah maybe yeah i don't know like in my dreams
yeah but and then
why is biff in this biff is in this because my character is a guy called cappy
cappy c-a-p-p-y
and um you don't want to think it starts with a k
he spelled it yeah he's what no no no no no go go oh no i mean uh
he goes to a diner every morning and julia likes to um eat breakfast at i
believe isn't that right
well it's the first time i've been there but that's okay
and and you and tom hanks fall in love is that right no well don't tell me you
and biff fall in
love
there's always a subplot you never know what it's going to be you never do know
you're exactly right
you have to have to go like hello uh and and then but he's not in are you in it
long biff the movie
just i just hope i'm in it yeah you and me both brother yeah well that's good
uh biff and it's
time for you to leave now thank you uh this is a little quiz is uh you remember
the old newlywed
game or the uh yeah the newlywed game and this one this little thing how well
do you know tom hanks
you described him as your old friend known him a long time i didn't say old
but a friend you've known friend for a while a good friend okay so we have just
a couple of
questions oh wait okay is this like a is this timed
do i have a buzzer yes it's it's time we we're looking we'd like to see you
under like 10 9.8
seconds right in there uh okay here we go do i get a buzzer no you don't get a
buzzer just
please relax can i play can i play
can i play
okay first off let me play and number two i spoke to your wife she said get on
the show and change the
subject okay yes forrest you can play
oh my god come on baby baby here we go okay what is okay wait a minute i just
have to collect myself
and can i say i love cake and i don't mean german chocolate i love cake the
band yes
okay okay okay pride of sacramento okay too bad we don't have time for them
should we zip it oh we're fine uh all right here we go what is tom's middle
name julia what is tom's
middle name jeffrey jefferson jane jeffrey jefferson thomas jane jeffrey
i heard a thing did you hear a thing we're off to a surprise did you hear a
thing did we do we do
we didn't hear a ding we didn't hear a ding now i heard one okay i hear it ding-a-ling
thank you thank you thank you will uh julia yes how many children does tom have
tom hanks uh four as
far as he knows
common how old are the twins can you give us a hint on that one
um and which one and which one's older america's hanging on the information
now when tom's family came to this country what was hanks shortened from many
many names changed
when the folks immigrated to the united states seeking a better land for a
better life for their
families often encouraged to change their names make a hankensack
what was that hank hank schmunger
i think tom has printed his own cards
um who does tom consider to be the finest actor of his generation i know the
answer to this a bigoda
or or um um maude b arthur b arthur b arthur yeah
i have to be honest
what about what about that how about you who do you consider to be uh looking
at the great pantheon
of actors past and present um that's pathetic that is pathetic i'm off camera
i don't know how about spencer tracy tom you like spencer tracy oh yes he died
yeah
bummer
no i mean you can't pick him no there's so many of them you can't we can't pick
him because he's dead
well right well pick somebody that you like
um
a boy or a girl
well why can't we have both
that would make them twins
okay here we go
hey i did this yesterday so don't even bother with me is any of this really
going to get people to see our movie
oh yeah oh yeah oh yeah hopeless oh nobody does this show to get people to see
their movie
oh wow can you get mrs letterman on the line you folks seen star wars
how old is uh tom with his tapes or without his tapes
right 61 51.
uh that was for a different question
finally finally finally words i've been waiting for
and finally yeah finally what is tom's favorite julia roberts movie
uh larry crown i would guess oh good guess
my son just uh turned 10 uh last month and people say to me wait when's his
birthday uh november 3rd
okay yeah when is your when is my birthday yeah when is yours is october
yes it is david letterman thank you it's like i'm like kreskin aren't i
here is something that maybe you don't know about david letterman he has
not forgotten my birthday with a bouquet of flowers in 15 years
until this year
i'm please do not fire your secretary no
it's the holiday season no no it's it's i was i was busy
i got a lot of things going on prepping for harry's 10th birthday i'm sorry
double digits is a big
deal all right bring in the flowers shut up bring in the flowers come on if she's
going to whine about
a lot of bring in the flowers
happy birthday thanks pat thank you very much
happy birthday i feel like like uh miss america well you've you you know come
on you are miss america
now tell me why did anybody tell you that you forgot my birthday because i just
mentioned it as a joke
earlier and somebody told you because this wasn't no no no let me just say
something
i i i'm very sorry about this because in in show business in all honesty there
are very few people i care
about you you would be one of the people i truly care about and for
i'm sorry i'm sorry you and meryl streep became uh good friends
okay
bring in the flowers bring in the fluff bring them all in for god's sake
thank you boys thank you boys that's great
thanks
oh my
beautiful
you look like the ftd float in the rose parade
there she is ladies and her america's sweetheart oh my god
beautiful
merry christmas
a little something for the holidays

The Best Of Julia Roberts, Part 2 | David Letterman

there's a lot of people that were on the program we must have had a lot of
people on the program
but i keep thinking about some of them and julia roberts is certainly one and
they're they're you're
either in the group of people i think about because you were tremendous and
exciting and
i would always look forward to them or something god-awful happened julia roberts
of course is in
the former category and there was a thing where i'm not sure what we were doing
exactly but at
the end of the segment tom hanks does this ring a bell yeah so what didn't he
kind of come on as
if he was a contestant on the dating game or something was it like the dating
game i wish
we could have why can't we see it i wish we i think i think we're likely about
to see it oh good yeah
but the big surprise i mean there you've got it i mean there was a time when
that was show business
julia roberts tom hanks put them together kaboom yeah shut everything down that's
all you needed
anywhere anytime for any reason and we had him on the program now you gotta
have demi lovato
i guess anyway take a look at this more julia roberts have you ever worked with
a guy who is just
horrible as an actor i mean not as an actor but a horrible person you mentioned
that clive owen is a
guy that you think is okay yes i do have you ever worked with a guy who's just
a raging maniac just a
just a crazy man has that ever happened yes yeah yeah
i wonder what that would be like yeah one of those guys that throws fits on the
set yeah and storms off
oh yeah oh yeah now we're talking well one of us is
but but uh but uh and then but that must put you uh in an awkward position as
well as the crew
yeah
okay wait a minute here's the thing just between us right
i did one time work with the person
zip but a famous actor well you know famous actor so we're not gonna yeah okay
if they don't interrogate me no no i'm not gonna interrogate you i'm just
saying a famous actor okay
because you you do you expect this kind of behavior from the really really big
stars
yes or no yes or no yes or no yes oh i'm such an amateur oh you're fine um so
we're shooting
and this person suddenly got uh annoyed at you know people talking while we
were shooting which
is bad you don't want talking you want people to be hanging on your every you
know whatever
so he got annoyed and expressed that and said like will you bleep me
will i believe you no i yeah because i don't want to
good night everybody wow
holy cow i thought you'd never ask and all all these years and now who would
have guessed it right here on
saint patrick's day the husband must be out of the country
so anyway
yeah i know
no go ahead say whatever you need to say
yeah say it okay really true are you ready i'm ready he's like
shut up what the is wrong with you people okay yep right yep i never talk like
that unless i'm quoting
and so everybody gets very tense and quiet and we continue on and some other
weird things happen and
he starts to go all existential and like grow another head and then uh
and then we're shooting and an acorn falls from a tree
and he goes what was that did you guys not hear me oh oh oh oh oh and the ad
says
it was an acorn sir falling from the tree sir right then he really goes nutso
and seriously he really goes bananas and starts attacking the director the
nicest man on the planet
just keep with me right you don't know what you're talking about
i'm not staying around for this he gets in his car
people what i'll never work again i'm telling this story he says he gets in his
car he tells his
driver run him down run him down
yeah run him down wow
run him down run him down what are you gonna do george clooney
okay uh i think so awkward
before we do a commercial i want to show people a uh a very very sweet
photograph oh me and my mother
this is uh something called in style i can't read it because the woman's head
is right there in the way
uh in style this is you and your lovely mother boy oh boy oh boy how about that
what a sweet photograph
that is there's your mom
that's very nice
i bet she loves the grandkids doesn't she yes she does yeah she does she's
crazy about them and they
love her have you have you noticed a fella said to me one time and i was a
panic-stricken about having
a child and he said don't worry he said one of the great things about it is it
brings so much love
into your house and and i didn't know what he was talking about until of course
i saw it happen it's
just a great thing yeah and now also i didn't know if you were aware of this
that my mother is
in this issue too oh god where is she
here it is right here there she is there she is right there
and i think i must have been out of town the day they took the photo
i don't know if i can look you in the eye anymore what's the matter last time i
saw you were single
and then i like hypnotized you in my white suit or something yeah right and you
went off and
married regina yeah that's right thank you very much it was where's the band
it was only a couple of days after uh your last visit i believe sometime in
march i believe that's
correct yeah sometime in march that's when i get married i have no i think it
was i think it was
something i think it was sometime in march i don't know yeah i got married so
but how long have you been
married like seven eight years seven years seven you have three kids
and i love the story about you uh marrying this guy uh a guy who works in craft
services
cinematographer cinematography now let's uh talk about something else uh wait i'm
not finished okay
i go right ahead i'm curious about a few things sure did she take your name yes
she did so she's mrs
letterman no she's dave
i don't know i just made that up
he's so funny yeah wouldn't that be stupid you're so much funnier than other
people who talk at this
time leave me alone hey knock it off
after the break top 10 ways barack obama celebrated his birthday and julia roberts
suffering from varicose veins i don't have a solution i'm just curious if you
are i'm sorry
can i just log a tiny complaint yeah what what i'm in the dressing room
watching and in the intro you
say and tonight julia roberts and they show a clip of me coming in right and
then they say
a problem with varicose veins
no and it just felt a little bit i know look i had nothing to do with it those
people over there
you talk you talk to those people over there they're the ones who did that why
why would you do
that to julia why you i'll tell you what because you're jealous you're all you're
all jealous
i'm so sorry i mean i do i have a couple of problems that we can discuss or
review but
varicose veins is actually not one of them no problems you have twins twin
girls is that what it
is no i don't boy and a girl twin boy and a girl i yeah twin boys we're narrowing
it down you have
three children i have three children okay the older oldest phineas boy yes he
is and his twin
is hazel his twin is hazel yes and then who else do you have then i have henry
well who's the twins
phineas and hazel yes and henry who's the oldest phineas so the twins are i'm
actually the oldest
children that i've given birth to okay and then comes henry who i gave birth to
two and a half
years later yeah well you're a very lucky woman to have this group of kids as
your family i am
because one of my sadnesses in life is that my son does does not have a brother
or a sister older or
i'm so sorry it's not going well she can't help no no don't like be worried i
have no control over
now you just finished a movie with tom hanks and biff henderson is in the movie
is this a typo okay
listen my first day i show up to on this tom hanks movie the great tom hanks he
has written this movie he
is going to star in this movie he is going to direct this movie he has asked me
to play a part in this
movie i'm very excited i show up my first day i'm a little bit nervous and i
walk on the set and who
do i see but my good friend biff henderson come on out come on out is that true
what's in the movie
sit down it's gonna be like carson come on what is the uh how many movies have
you done with tom hanks
um i don't know 12. and no like yeah maybe yeah i don't know like in my dreams
yeah but and then
why is biff in this biff is in this because my character is a guy called cappy
cappy c-a-p-p-y
and um you don't want to think it starts with a k
he spelled it yeah he's what no no no no no go go oh no i mean uh
he goes to a diner every morning and julia likes to um eat breakfast at i
believe isn't that right
well it's the first time i've been there but that's okay
and and you and tom hanks fall in love is that right no well don't tell me you
and biff fall in
love
there's always a subplot you never know what it's going to be you never do know
you're exactly right
you have to have to go like hello uh and and then but he's not in are you in it
long biff the movie
just i just hope i'm in it yeah you and me both brother yeah well that's good
uh biff and it's
time for you to leave now thank you uh this is a little quiz is uh you remember
the old newlywed
game or the uh yeah the newlywed game and this one this little thing how well
do you know tom hanks
you described him as your old friend known him a long time i didn't say old
but a friend you've known friend for a while a good friend okay so we have just
a couple of
questions oh wait okay is this like a is this timed
do i have a buzzer yes it's it's time we we're looking we'd like to see you
under like 10 9.8
seconds right in there uh okay here we go do i get a buzzer no you don't get a
buzzer just
please relax can i play can i play
can i play
okay first off let me play and number two i spoke to your wife she said get on
the show and change the
subject okay yes forrest you can play
oh my god come on baby baby here we go okay what is okay wait a minute i just
have to collect myself
and can i say i love cake and i don't mean german chocolate i love cake the
band yes
okay okay okay pride of sacramento okay too bad we don't have time for them
should we zip it oh we're fine uh all right here we go what is tom's middle
name julia what is tom's
middle name jeffrey jefferson jane jeffrey jefferson thomas jane jeffrey
i heard a thing did you hear a thing we're off to a surprise did you hear a
thing did we do we do
we didn't hear a ding we didn't hear a ding now i heard one okay i hear it ding-a-ling
thank you thank you thank you will uh julia yes how many children does tom have
tom hanks uh four as
far as he knows
common how old are the twins can you give us a hint on that one
um and which one and which one's older america's hanging on the information
now when tom's family came to this country what was hanks shortened from many
many names changed
when the folks immigrated to the united states seeking a better land for a
better life for their
families often encouraged to change their names make a hankensack
what was that hank hank schmunger
i think tom has printed his own cards
um who does tom consider to be the finest actor of his generation i know the
answer to this a bigoda
or or um um maude b arthur b arthur b arthur yeah
i have to be honest
what about what about that how about you who do you consider to be uh looking
at the great pantheon
of actors past and present um that's pathetic that is pathetic i'm off camera
i don't know how about spencer tracy tom you like spencer tracy oh yes he died
yeah
bummer
no i mean you can't pick him no there's so many of them you can't we can't pick
him because he's dead
well right well pick somebody that you like
um
a boy or a girl
well why can't we have both
that would make them twins
okay here we go
hey i did this yesterday so don't even bother with me is any of this really
going to get people to see our movie
oh yeah oh yeah oh yeah hopeless oh nobody does this show to get people to see
their movie
oh wow can you get mrs letterman on the line you folks seen star wars
how old is uh tom with his tapes or without his tapes
right 61 51.
uh that was for a di