Name: Dave Is Buying TikTok | David Letterman
Uploaded: 2025-01-31T16:00:06.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Dave Is Buying TikTok | David Letterman' from Letterman on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-01-31. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Dave Is Buying TikTok | David Letterman' from Letterman on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-01-31. Transcript available.

I'm under the impression it was given to me by others that your presence on the
show is more fun
when you're more accurately representing your feelings about being on the show
as opposed to
trying to be a team player. This is what one might call mixed signals. Exactly.
I've been told my
attitude is adjusting. Don't pretend. Don't pretend what? That you're happy to
be here. Has anybody ever walked off the Barbara Gaines? Uh-oh. Do it. Do it.
Hi, I'm Barbara Gaines, the lovely Mary Bartlett. I'm so happy to be here. She's
lying. And Dave Letterman. Hi, how you doing? Nice to see you. Are you happy to
be here? Yeah, I love being here on the Barbara Gaines show. If it weren't for
this, I wouldn't be out of the house.
Never. That's not true. He's got a show. Yeah, he's got a big show. Anyway, I
have a couple of things I want to discuss, but before that, you have something.
What was I going to talk about? I don't remember. I will say one thing. We are
coming to you from New York City, and New York City has all but choked itself
to death. We could be extinguishing life in this community within the end of
the year, by the end of the year. Dave, how is that happening?
Well, for one thing, it's the traffic. The traffic is killing us. And then, so
they were going to have the congestion pricing, which meant if you wanted to
drive around New York City, you had to pay hundreds of dollars per block.
You have to.
Yeah, you have to. So, and I came up with an idea, and I'm talking to Jessica
Wasserman, who is the director of New York City traffic, in the mayor's office.
Is that true? Whatever. Fine. Go on.
Sure.
So, Jessica and I, and it was my idea, but I've given it full over to save New
York City. And they can do this with the E-ZPass that you put in your car to
get you through the tolls in and out.
Whenever you sound your horn, ever, it registers on the E-ZPass in your bill of
between $100 and $500.
Every time you hit your horn. That's the only thing.
Nice.
Thank you. That's the only thing that will save traffic. And even if it doesn't
reduce traffic, it will reduce that god-awful, impatient.
Because they encourage you to just blow through an intersection and then hell
be gone. Nobody cares. But to Jessica's credit, she thinks this is a great idea.
And they're going to institute it tomorrow.
Oh, tomorrow. Wow.
Yeah. So, every time you hit that horn, it's going to be $100. You hit it again,
it's going to be $500.
Wow.
There's a useful horn. That's like if somebody's coming out in front of you,
you're like, hey, beep beep, watch out. But not that. This is just a moving
asshole. Like, then you get fined.
No, but they will distinguish a different, each car will be, each car will be
fitted with an emergency horn.
An emergency horn.
Yeah. So, if there is a true emergency, it will be a pleasant voice saying, hey,
we have an emergency. Hey, we have an emergency. It'll be like that.
But a shout out now to our good friend there is the director of traffic,
Jessica Wasserman.
Jessica Wasserman.
Oh, and the other thing is, Billy Crystal and I are buying TikTok.
Oh, fantastic. Someone's got to buy it. I'm delighted.
The offer on the table now, we're dealing with the Chinese government.
Right.
And we're complying entirely to their wishes and desires.
We don't care if it's going to be in the United States or not. We have the rest
of the world to worry about.
And Billy Crystal has family and friends from other countries.
So, he's, the fit is perfect.
Oh, I think you are definitely the guy to do it.
And the price now, 200, 200 billion, 200 billion for TikTok.
And you think, oh, David, that seems high. You're so dumb.
We get that money back in a weekend.
So, you're going to split it 100-100.
You don't need to know.
Sure.
But, no. So, get ready. Don't worry about the ban on TikTok.
Billy, Crystal, and I.
Did you ever see him in City Slickers?
Sure.
Very good Sally.
Very good Sally.
I'll have what she's having.
Yeah. That Billy Crystal.
Anyway, he and I are very close enough.
As soon as I know about it, I'll phone into the show and let you know.
Okay. That would be great.
But, we're, the way it looks now is, I think the deal is going to go right
through.
We're talking to the people in Beijing.
TikTok. What are you going to call it?
TikTok?
I mean, that's the name that's worked so far.
Yeah, yeah.
It's Billy and Dave's TikTok.
No, no. It's just TikTok. Yeah.
Saturday, February 1st is three years.
I mean, what's the date today?
Oh, it isn't there.
You guys just do it.
I don't know.
Yeah.
It's three years since the YouTube channel has been on.
Wow.
Congratulations, Walter.
Yeah.
Yeah.
That's all, Walter.
What's the traditional three-year gift from YouTube?
You've had a website for three years yet.
I think it's peanut butter pie.
It's peanut butter pie.
And we've done, this is our 67th show.
Oh, my God.
67 of these shows.
Yay!
Yay!
I was going to catch our fire.
That would have been great.
No, I don't want you blowing those out.
Okay.
Don't you want tuberculosis or something?
I could get it.
Anyway.
It's not going to blow out.
Leave me alone.
Anyway, happy third year.
And that, no, we've had enough.
Please find.
Is there just one piece of pie for three people?
Because that seems like a mistake.
We have budget cuts.
I'm just going to have a taste.
So it's not a problem.
Anyway, thanks very much.
We'll work for pie.
Squeeze the monkey.
Touch the cat.
And it's a thing now.
What I like is the after talk over the credits.
And I always crave more.
It seems like, you just give me a few more.
I'm sorry, I can't do that.
Are you sorry, Barbara?