Name: The Best Of Madonna And Dave | David Letterman
Uploaded: 2025-02-06T16:00:06.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'The Best Of Madonna And Dave | David Letterman' from Letterman on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-02-06. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'The Best Of Madonna And Dave | David Letterman' from Letterman on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-02-06. Transcript available.

The Best Of Madonna And Dave | David Letterman

- I'm only here 'cause there isn't a Knicks game.
Don't get excited.
- Oh, come on.
Let's go kiss the guy in the audience.
Why don't you go kiss the guy in the audience?
- Why are you so obsessed with my sex life?
- As we all know, I have none of my own.
- Well, ahem.
- Go kiss the guy in the audience.
It would knock him out.
Look at that guy, just like on the forehead.
Just on the forehead.
- I can't.
- He's not oral enough.
- I like that.
She said, "I can't."
A lot of people would cave in to the pressure and say,
"Oh, all right."
They'd go out and kiss him and get it over with.
- Yeah, well, I've never succumbed to peer pressure.
- Ah, good for you.
That's what we love about you, my brother.
- Yes.
- What brings you- - Incidentally,
you are a sick .
I don't know why I get so much .
- You realize this is being broadcast, don't you?
- Yes.
- Well, you can only be talking like that.
- What?
- I say, oh, never mind.
What brings you- - Wait a minute.
Aren't you gonna smell them?
I gave them to you for a reason.
- Let's see what I'm doing at my house right now.
- No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
- I'll take care of that later.
It's a lovely- - I gave him my, come on.
- I gave him my underpants and you won't see it.
That's not where they go.
- No, that's, no, believe me,
that's where the underwear goes.
That's, that's where, okay.
But, here's where I keep my socks.
Here's where I keep my panties.
That's where they go.
- No, that's where you, that's where you keep my panties.
- Okay.
- Listen, all you do is talk about my sex life on your show,
so now you don't want to talk about my sex life
when I'm on your show.
- What do you mean?
Do you mean 'cause we refer to you periodically?
We make jokes?
- Periodically?
- Yeah.
- You can't get through a show without talking about me,
or thinking about me.
- Do you mind that?
Is that a problem for you?
- It's never a problem.
- All right, I'll tell you what let's do.
Let's, let's do a commercial.
You want to do a commercial?
- No.
- Okay, we'll do a commercial and then-
- I don't think we should ever cut to a commercial.
Let's just keep talking and film every second of it.
- Oh yeah, because if the rest of it is as fascinating
as the first part of it,
then we've, we've got something there.
That's money in the bank there.
- Before, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Before we cut to a commercial, I just want to know,
um, is that a rug?
- You're talking about my hair.
All right, all right, what is that, a swim cap?
What are you wearing?
What are you wearing?
Come on!
Let's go!
Here we go!
Come on!
No, no, no, no, no.
I got a bad, I got a bad hat.
I can't, I can't.
There we are.
Sit down.
Just have a seat.
- Don't make me act a fool, Dave.
- No, have...
- All right?
Don't make me, do you want to touch my dress?
- Yeah, I would, I would like to dress, oops.
Oh, very nice, very nice.
- You know, you've really changed since the last time
I was on the show.
- Well, we haven't seen you since like six years,
seven years or so. - I know.
You used to be really kind of, like, cool.
- I know.
There is no bigger dweeb than me.
- Money's made you soft.
- Really, you think so?
- Yeah.
- In what sense?
- 'Cause you just kiss up to everybody in your show now.
You do, man.
You're always kissing up to, like, all, I see all these,
like, you know, movie stars coming here, and you're just...
It's all gaga.
You used to give people a hard time.
- Yeah.
I can suspend that behavior tonight, if you like.
- I believe you have already.
- Oh, I know.
Now, we're just kidding around.
Explain to folks.
We're just kidding around.
- Don't treat me special, okay?
I wouldn't know what to do with it.
- But what specifically are you getting at?
What is driving you nuts here?
What's troubling you?
- About you or life in general?
- Well, let's start with life in general.
- No, let's just get back to you.
- Okay, fine.
- First of all, you're not irritated at all.
You're not irritated at all.
I know this is a little...
- You're not irritating me.
- Okay, good.
- Are you trying to?
- No, I'm not trying to irritate you.
- Actually, you do irritate me sometimes.
- Well, you kind of irritate me, too.
- Really?
- You see, we have so much in common.
- I know.
Why are you always...
Actually, I brought something to, like, make a point.
- All right, okay, good.
- 'Cause you are always me on the show.
- You are always me on the show.
- This, you...
- You are always me on the show.
- You are always me on the show.
- You are always me with me on the show.
Where is that thing?
- See what you're doing?
See?
Do you see what you're doing?
See?
Do you see what you're doing?
Now, there.
You see?
- What?
- A nice car.
Where are you folks from?
- What?
- Yeah, Appleton, Wisconsin.
Look, they drove all the way.
They came in an Avis car, and they wanted to see...
- Will you shut up, please?
Can we...
Let's get to the tape.
I brought a tape to prove that he's obsessed with me.
- All right.
So you think that we refer to you far too much on the show?
- Yeah.
- All right, roll the tape, Hal.
Let's see what she's talking about here.
As luck would have it, I look up, and there's Madonna...
- There she was.
- Riding her bicycle.
Hal, roll my home videotape of Madonna.
Watch this.
This is very impressive.
Look, there she is.
Okay, stop it.
That's...
That's...
All right.
- What's that all about?
- Can you do that?
Don't you have a problem with chafing when you're out there like that?
- My ass looks a lot better than that.
- You have a top ten list, I'm told.
- Yeah, I'm sitting on it.
- You're sitting on it.
Oh, are we gonna do the list?
- Yes.
- I heard Morty over there weaseling.
First he said, "No, no, no, no."
And then I said...
And then I said, "Are we gonna do the list?"
And he said, "Sure."
- There seems to be a lot of confusion right now.
- Yeah, guess why?
- Is it 'cause I've been saying ****?
- You just...
You can't...
- Speak the truth and shame the devil, baby.
- You can't...
No, you can't be coming on here.
This is American television.
You can't be talking like that.
Now we're gonna have to...
- Why?
- Well, because people don't want that in their own homes at 11:30 at night.
- They don't?
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
- Yeah!
Yes, sir!
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
People don't wanna hear the word ****.
- Oh, stop it!
Will you stop?
Ladies and gentlemen, turn down your volume.
- Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
- Turn the volume down immediately.
She can't be stopped.
There's something wrong with her.
What do people think?
- Pounding Crows will be out here in a little bit and Madonna is with us.
And if you're just joining us so far, it's been a fascinating interview.
- Yeah, he just...
Dave just slobbered all over my cigar.
- Now you asked me to light it for her and I thought I was doing the gentlemanly
thing.
- It's the closest I'm ever gonna get to kissing you.
- Oh, well, we could...
We could certainly change that, you know what I mean?
If I don't have to wait in line.
It's a joke.
I'm sorry.
- Well, you're not in the NBA, so forget about it, okay?
- Now, Madonna, I'm told that you prepared a little special thing.
- I'm not in the NBA, so you're not in the NBA, okay?
- Well, you're not in the NBA, so forget about it, okay?
- Now, Madonna, I'm told that you prepared a little split.
I'm not in the NBA.
I'm not in the NBA.
I'm not in the NBA, so I'm not in the NBA.
I'm not in the NBA.
I'm not in the NBA.
I'm not in the NBA.
I'm not in the NBA, so I'm not in the NBA.
- Don't worry.
- Well, you're not in the NBA, so forget about it, okay?
- Now, Madonna, I'm told that you prepared a little special comedy thing for us.
Your own kind of...
- Me?
- Yes, you, your top ten list there.
And I think all America is...
- You want to get it?
- Oh, man.
Damn thing seems to be stuck.
Somebody bring me the jaws of life!
- There it is, okay.
- See, I haven't dated that many basketball players.
- All right.
Here.
There you go.
- That was a very subtle joke.
- Okay.
How you been?
You doing all right?
You look pretty good.
Everything going all right?
- Are you talking to me?
- I'm talking to you, yeah.
- Seems all very rehearsed.
Why did you have to go and read a top ten list?
- But we do it every night.
Have you ever seen the show?
- Well, actually, I have seen the show, but I've never...
I mean, I've always been doing something while I was watching the show.
- Oh, I know.
I've heard all about you.
- So...
I don't really...
It's not funny.
Forget it.
- Well, now what the hell are we going to...
- It.
- You know...
- Now we're going to have to deal with each other.
- Oh, let's don't do that.
- No holds barred.
- We have tape?
Tape of what?
Why can't we just talk to each other?
Why do we have to have all this contri...
You know?
The tape, the list, everything.
You know what I'm saying?
- Oh, man.
- I think we should get...
Don't you want to show everybody the underwear?
- I think people, most everybody has seen underwear.
- No, they haven't seen...
No, they haven't seen mine in...
Mine.
- Oh, no, that's not true.
- No, no, no, no.
They stole me out of my underwear.
They stole me out of my underwear.
- Also, Trisha Yearwood will be with us in a couple of minutes.
Tomorrow on the program, ladies and gentlemen, Richard Simmons will be here.
Donna Summer and...
- Trisha!
- What?
Oh, my goodness!
How are you?
- Hi.
- Right here.
You look like a million bucks.
- Thank you.
- How have you been?
- I'm okay, fine.
- Just for me?
- Yes.
Be careful.
You're fragile.
- Thank you.
- Put this down.
- Put the guns.
Chocolates?
- Yeah, Paul, let's put it up.
- It's...
Look, Paul!
It's Madonna!
Wow.
Those are beautiful.
- I wanted to be the first person to wish you Happy Valentine's Day.
- Oh, that's very sweet of you.
Thank you very much.
- And, you know, they wanted me to say the bad word.
- No, well, let's you...
- I'm a changed woman since I met you, and...
- Yes!
- And I'm not going to say shit anymore.
- All right, I will.
- It's a Rolex watch.
Thank you very much.
- Are they real?
- No.
- I'm tri-coastal.
- Yeah, you live in California, and also you live in England, don't you?
In London?
- Yep.
- When did you move to London or get a house there?
- Oh, I guess it had something to do with my boyfriend.
- Oh, great.
And what's his name?
- Oh, Segway.
- What's your boyfriend's name?
- Oh, Segway.
- What's your boyfriend's name?
- As if you don't know.
- Is this...
Well, see, I'm afraid if I say a name, and then you'll say, "No, that ain't him."
- And then I'll just look like a dope again, and I don't want to...
- Oh, well, try me.
- All right.
Is his name Kenny?
- Do you guys laugh at all these jokes?
- Otherwise, right?
- Oh, yeah.
- Yeah, that's what I thought.
- We're having a big time tonight.
- Yeah.
- You guys laugh at all these jokes.
- Oh, yeah.
- That's what I thought.
- We're having a big time tonight.
We're having a big time tonight.
- Oh, yeah.
- We're having a big time tonight.
- Yeah.
- You guys laugh at all these jokes.
- Otherwise, right?
- Oh, yeah.
- Yeah.
- That's what I thought.
- We're having a big time tonight.
- Oh, yeah.
- Oh, yeah.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, that's what I thought.
- We're having a big time tonight.
- Wow.
Well, I have to say, sitting here with you is a bit of a surreal experience for
me.
- It's fun, though, don't you think?
- It's poetic.
- Yeah.
- In a non-lyrical sort of way.
- Right.
- And, well, I just, I want to bury the hatchet with you.
- Well, see, that's...
- I mean, not that there's a hatchet to bury.
- No, there's no hatchet to bury.
- I don't have any bad feelings about you.
- No, I know.
- No.
- Not really.
- And I like you.
- Well, I like you, too.
- Wait.
- You know, but I know what...
- What happened to the space in your teeth?
- What do you mean?
- Is it still there?
Oh, it's still there.
- What do you mean, what happened to it?
- It seems like it got closer.
- Yeah, we get traffic from Jersey coming through this thing.
-
- B