Name: The Truth About Dave's Teeth | David Letterman
Uploaded: 2025-02-13T16:00:06.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'The Truth About Dave's Teeth | David Letterman' from Letterman on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-02-13. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'The Truth About Dave's Teeth | David Letterman' from Letterman on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-02-13. Transcript available.

Hi, I'm Barbara Gaines. This is the lovely Mary Barkley and the also lovely
Dave Letterman.
Nice to see you, Lumpy.
Lumpy?
I just got back from the periodontist.
Oh, what does that mean?
That means I have bad gums and all my implants are failing.
So what do they do for that?
It's bad. I took a picture.
Ooh, I mean, yeah.
Well, show them.
Who took the photo?
I did. I went like that.
Okay. Yes, Mary?
Last time I was at the dentist, the guy said I had excellent.
I believe he used the word impeccable.
Nice.
Nice.
Oh, and your teeth do look nice.
Are you one of those people that flosses incessantly?
Oh, you're supposed to floss.
My wife is a flosser and it goes on for like half an hour.
Just let me, for the love of God.
I'm not that extreme, but yeah, no, I take it.
Oh, you got to floss.
I mean.
You know, it'll lead to heart disease if you don't floss.
It's supposed to be very good for you.
Yeah, yeah.
It leads to heart disease.
Is that right?
Everything leads to heart disease.
Listen to this.
They think now there's a connection between heart disease and smoking
cigarettes.
What?
Did they just send that out?
I don't know.
I read a comment on the YouTube-y thing.
I didn't write down who it's from, but the guy said,
Mary is starting to really engage.
I don't like it.
I can take care of that.
I wonder by what evidence he supports that comment, that you're starting to
engage.
Has anyone, Walter, have you noticed that she's engaging more?
Listen, I was in the back row last time, and now I made my way back to the
front row.
I don't want to get into your production.
But having that woman sitting back there, it was like economy plus.
I didn't mind it.
It was kind of like being at the kids' table at the wedding.
Apparently, whoever wrote that thinks you're getting more engaged and doesn't
like it.
Okay.
That's only one person's opinion.
I didn't like that you were put back there.
People were very...
Oh, yeah.
Well, visually, I found it disturbing myself.
I thought in order of significance, it was perfect.
But visually, it didn't look quite right.
In order of significance, it took me a second to get that zing.
It was a zinger, all right.
It was a zinger.
I don't mind any of this.
There was a time for two years, every Thursday night, I would go see the
dentist,
and he repaired every tooth in my mouth.
But I never saw you without teeth.
That's right.
That's right.
For me to have...
You know what?
It's not like I already have all the things I need without teeth.
Oh, please.
It would be bad.
You're as good a looking human as we can hope for.
Anyway, three teeth would be bad.
I had such poor teeth.
Or what did they do?
No, they took every tooth out of my head and fixed it.
You got the full set of...
We can cut this out.
Yeah.
Yeah, I mean...
Like the Hollywood teeth.
I was in such great pain, and I got so tired of temporary fixes that would last
about six weeks,
and then the pain would return because they were just cosmetic fixes that I
went to Dr. Greenstone, Dr. Mitchell Greenstone.
Is he your guy?
No.
You should go to see Dr. Mitchell Greenstone.
And he very therapeutically, systematically, and carefully kind of...
I now...
How many teeth are you supposed to have in your mouth?
32.
Okay, 32.
Yeah.
Guess what?
33.
Oh.
But here's the best part.
I don't think people have been talking about this enough.
You used to have that gap in your teeth.
The gap in my teeth, yeah.
You got rid of it.
I was just going to mention, when your teeth were fixed, people were still
saying you had a gap in your teeth.
That's right, which is fine.
I don't care.
Even though you didn't have...
It doesn't bother me.
No, you didn't like people who would refer to you as gap-toothed funny man.
Yeah, that's right.
Long after you had no gap.
Yeah, exactly.
And that bugged you.
But see, the problem with the gap, if everything else wasn't structurally
comparable,
if we weren't playing complimentary football, complimentary, then I would
whistle when I talked.
And it used to drive me crazy that I could...
I mean, we used to get calls from kennels on Long Island.
Hey!
But you had...
There was one missing, like, back here.
Yeah, that's right.
You had a little implant there, a little...
I've got...
I have one implant, and I can't tell you which one it is.
Hey, there's your contest.
Figure out which...
You had a big smile.
Yes, Dave's implant.
Every remote.
Do you have the apple and the tooth?
Yeah, that's right.
Do you have the apple or the tooth?
Yeah.
For Dave.
Do you have an apple for Dave, and don't forget the tooth.
The tooth.
I had to run that tooth down to the stage from time to time.
What are you talking about?
You don't remember?
You would put it in before the show?
All I remember was it Trump or monkey.
When we would go out on remotes, we brought an apple for you to eat.
Oh, and also bring my phony tooth.
Exactly.
Oh, I see.
Oh, some poor stooge, forgive me, had to show up with an apple and the tooth.
Exactly.
Oh, my God.
Show business couldn't get any uglier.
The apple and the tooth.
So embarrassing.
Anyway, that's not a problem.
I don't need an apple or a tooth.
You're self-sufficient now.
Yeah.
Yeah, there was always a tube of that, like...
I remember that.
That's like, yeah, polydent.
Polydent.
Oh, my God.
Just like caveman stuff.
See, it's fascinating that people that were in our circle, everyone else is
like Rashomon.
Is that what it is?
Rashomon?
Everybody has a different...
Yes.
Oh, yeah.
A different perspective of the same story.
Right.
And I would not, in 100 years, under sodium pentothal, not been able to come up
with somebody.
Their responsibility was, do you have the apple?
Yeah.
Do you have the tooth?
Uh-huh.
It's just demeaning.
I'm so sorry.
Let me just apologize to the American viewing public.
Everyone has their job.
But on the other hand, if I had my own teeth and I could carry my own apple,
somebody would
be out of a job.
Sadly.
So I'm doing what I can to help the GPA.
Yeah.
Is it the GPA?
That's a grade point average.
Yeah.
I don't know what it is.
I don't think none of this is actually in this thing.
No.
Well, it should be.
Oh, it should be.
This is the first thing I've been interested in in quite some time.
Wow.
You're kidding.
I was that kid.
I had the apple tooth gig for a while.
You had to show up with the apple and the tooth.
Yeah.
I can remember one night, I was on the Tonight Show with Johnny Carson and I
had forgotten
the glue and all I had was the tooth.
And for the life of me, it just wouldn't stay in there.
So I did the very best I could just to jam it with no adhesive.
Ow.
And for the entire time I was sitting there talking to Johnny Carson, I'm
thinking, is the tooth
Oh, no, that's horrible.
Is it going to fall out now?
No.
Is it still in there?
Right.
Have I swallowed it?
And is my tooth still?
It was horrible.
Just horrible.
That's horrible.
Anyway, I don't have that problem now.
Later.
It's fascinating to me that with the phony tooth and the glue, I was still able
to eat
an apple.
No, I think the apple came after the, you know, after the shoot.
If you do good, you get an apple.
Okay, James, you can have your apple.
It's a simpleton.
That's what I am.
I'm just a simpleton.
All right.
Thank you.
Goodbye.
Wait, you're supposed to do this?
I don't know.
Squeeze and squeeze.
There's always something wrong with the show.
It's like the regular show.
There was always something wrong.
Or is that exactly what's right about the show?