Name: Albert Brooks And His Amazing Talking Bird | David Letterman
Uploaded: 2025-04-09T16:16:10.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Albert Brooks And His Amazing Talking Bird | David Letterman' from Letterman on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-04-09. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Albert Brooks And His Amazing Talking Bird | David Letterman' from Letterman on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-04-09. Transcript available.

nice to see you i'm so thrilled to be back glad to have you now you recognized
me when i came over
during the commercial right it didn't look like you recognized me well you look
you look a little
different but uh yes you haven't been here in a couple of years no but i still
know you oh yeah
um let me tell you why i'm glad to be here for a number first of all you know i'm
you made a
joke earlier that movie stars only come to plug that's right you know which is
true true certainly
true in our case yeah and i'm very proud about the muse but i'm also here to
you know i've been
embarrassed ever since my last visit oh please i'm sorry to hear that yeah
there's no need for
it no need for you to be embarrassed let me just remind the audience if they
don't know i you know
besides comedy what i love to do most is train animals and uh you're like a red
weather wax you're
another red weather wax in my book i'm in a lawsuit now with siegfried and roy
because
well that's another that's not it's not an animal based lawsuit well i'll bet
it is
in a certain sense that it is it's just siegfried i don't have a problem with
roy
but anyway last time i was out here i flew across america with my dog dog my
dog very cute very cute
and the dog it was is a phenomenal animal and you know we had all these tricks
set up for him he was
going to read a book and answer the telephone i don't know how many of you
remembered that stupid
pet trick but it wasn't stupid it was real it was real right right and you know
he did nothing he just
laid here the whole time what was the dog's name buddy buddy yeah sure that's
right what do you think
i don't remember well no i i didn't remember don't don't test me because i won't
fail at it yeah right
so anyway the dog did nothing now i got back to the hotel and i called my vet
in los angeles and i
was really upset and the vet said you can't fly 3 000 miles with an animal and
expect them to
perform right away because they they need more than they have what's called a
dog jet lag
what was that term again albert it's a dog well i know the initials it's djl
but i think it's dog
because they don't fly in the comfortable thing they're in the belly of the
plane where it's cold
and with the luggage sure and he says that the dog needed 24 hours just to acclimate
himself to
the had you flown in like the day of was that your mistake oh that's your
mistake that's your mistake
and sure enough he's right because the next morning the dog's ordering room
service you know he uh you
know what's great about the dog he not only gets the paper he'll get me just
the style section
it's a while okay so you know i i i have other animals that i have that i'm
very proud of and i'm
not making the same mistake again well you brought you brought uh uh more
animals tonight no but that's
no no that's just it i'm not going to make the same mistake no wait wait no you're
going to be happy
i have a bird a parrot polly you know the funny thing about me is i can train
them but i can't name
them well i'm like i'm like an idiot savant i can't well you know it's not
original let me show
you the picture of polly you you show the audience beautiful isn't she lovely
beautiful yeah is that is
that a parrot that's a parrot looks like it might be a cockatoo no no no that's
a parrot that's polly
right there how old i know that's that's 80 percent parrot and 20 cockatoo yeah
yeah they get to be
old they grow to a nice old age like 30 40 50 years old well they outlive their
owners sometimes i'm not
going to keep it that long but yeah yeah what will you do with it albert i get
sick of things david i don't
know what i'll do with it you have the restless mind but anyway so i i'm not
gonna you know i'll never
make the same mistake again so tonight i have polly on the phone in los angeles
what really yes
and uh and we and and let and we're going to talk to the bird yeah because the
parents well i can't
make the same mistake and i'm not going to put a bird in the belly there it is
relaxed comfortable
that's right and let me tell you how let me tell you how close the the parrot
knows about 1700 words
we are four words short of the guinness book they told me yeah 1700 right
it's it's a boy by the way i referred to her as her because all well polly polly
is not a good name
for a boy well that's what i told you i'm not good at that excuse me i say i
say polly oh polly yeah yeah
very sensitive
he flew in the same day of this show so he has the same problem well you can
talk to my vet we'll clear
that up but now but so anyway the the bird should be on the phone and uh and by
the way by the way i'm
not just saying this because i'm on your show he is a huge fan i mean i mean
and i'm i'm very excited
first of all i'm very happy to see you i'm thrilled to see you know i love your
work and i have forever
thought you're just terrific uh i'm excited about this thing with your bird
that we're going to get
to here and it's and it's just nice and i i hope we have enough time to show
your clip you know i thought
i passed away the way you were talking you hope we have enough time all right
all right bring the phone
over yes bring the phone over this is it we think this should be uh will there
be an attendant on the
other end of the line no he's on the phone the parrot the parrot is on the line
david this is a
brilliant all right i just i'll stay out of your way you tell me what do you
want me to do nothing
all right but i have to i have to press the button press the button and then we
should be there
okay i say nothing i just press it he won't talk to you okay just okay is this
he can is that good
yeah polly are you there yeah i'm here wow wow okay right off the bat polly we
are right now on live
national television so you know he's not impressed by a lot of stuff but he
loves he loves you
polly say hello to david letterman that's the nightline guy no no no that's
channel two
the one with the chin no not the chin channel two i'm not sure who it is yes it
is you love him
you love him all right forget that polly let the audience inside the mind of a
bird tell them for
example uh what are you doing what are you doing right now what the hell do you
think i'm doing
i'm doing what i always do i'm standing on this dirty stick bank of my head
against the cage
what can i say there you have an attitude yeah i know polly why don't you play
with that expensive
toy i bought you the expensive toy fell in the crap all right thank god we didn't
pay to fly him out
yeah thank god for that yeah well you know i'll get you another toy polly don't
worry oh by the way
your brother was here earlier he took all your furniture what wait a minute
what are you talking
about my brother that's impossible some guy was here he took the furniture he
said he was your brother
well that my brother's in alaska now he's not even in los angeles what did he
look like a small chinese
guy oh how can a small that's how could a chinese guy be my brother polly you
think i know what people look
like how old do you think i see i got an eye the size of a pin everybody looks
chinese to me
i wish you wouldn't let people in the house that you don't know yeah i'm not a
dog no i know you're
not a dog oh by the way i'm worried about something yeah if the color of my
poop is dark should i be
concerned i'm not a vet polly i don't know anything about poop color i'm sorry
all right so what good
are you all right well look i can tell you're in a bad mood so what are your
plans for the rest of the
evening my plans yeah i plan to hang myself on the cell all right polly i want
you to say good night to
david letterman hey stop telling me what to do i'm not your pet all right fine
good night polly he's an
angry bird yeah oh boy
you know i i always thought it'd be kind of fun to have a bird around but now i'm
not so sure don't
get one uh all right so albert let's talk about the the muse uh this is a big
film yes get yourself
you get sharon stone andy mcdowell who was here the other night and she didn't
want to show a clip
no no she did she called me she she was very upset she said you prevented her
from doing that no we did
with no no you didn't no you ran out of time like you're about to do with me no
everything's fine
david i i'm this is i'm you know as proud of this as anything i've ever done
the music let's
talk about the title the muse represents a well for those creative yes for
those for those that don't
know the the from mythology the muses were one of the nine daughters from the greek
god zeus i didn't
know that well see the bird knew and uh they inspired all creativity so this
movie uh assumes
that there is one still living in hollywood helping various people you know
make these movies that we
all see and uh that's played by sharon stone and uh it's it's hysterical i'm
very proud of it it's
an interesting idea yeah to superimpose the mythological over modern day
reality isn't that wild yeah
all right now let's uh let's show the clip let's show the folks uh what are you
going to see here
all right well all right aside from uh these stars there's wonderful cameos in
this movie oh yeah
yeah who is in the film well aside from what i told you jeff bridges andy sharon
uh we have uh
jim cameron rob reiner sybil shepherd anybody turn you down for the cameo
nobody really well one
person i called bill gates oh i really did and uh he said no but he sent me a
million five
pretty good yeah write him it's worth it write him but anyway so so i hook up
with this muse which
turns out to be you know the biggest mistake of of my life because she's well i'll
use the word
demanding that's the nicest word i can use on television and once i find her
all of these other
famous directors hear about it and they keep coming to my house and bothering
me and looking for her
so we're going to see one where i come home and you will recognize this man i
will just tell you
this he is not only one of the most famous directors alive he is in the guinness
book as the fastest
talking human being on the planet wow so uh i'm coming home to my house and albert
brooks he's there
looking for the muse very entertaining a great idea great movie great cast martin
scorsese yeah strong
performance very good i'm really looking forward to seeing this thank you david
thank you very much
thank you very much albert nice meeting you again albert brooks