Name: The Best Of The Pope | David Letterman
Uploaded: 2025-04-21T15:00:53.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'The Best Of The Pope | David Letterman' from Letterman on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-04-21. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'The Best Of The Pope | David Letterman' from Letterman on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-04-21. Transcript available.

The category tonight, Top Ten Signs, Your Neighbor Wants to Be the Next Pope.
And I guess the reason this comes up is because now for quite some time people
are concerned about the health of the current pope.
And we know, as with life, it can't last forever.
So in some folks, they see an opportunity.
They see it as an opportunity.
I'm not necessarily like that, but some people are.
Top Ten Signs, Your Neighbor now is one of those guys wanting to be the next
pope.
Here we go, number ten.
Often stops at Costco to buy communal wafers in bulk.
Number nine, book on his coffee table, how to turn your Ford Focus into a popemobile.
Number eight, he asks you if you want to go giant hat shopping.
Number seven, you ask how he's feeling and he replies, oh, quite popey, thank
you.
Number six, the son of a bitch keeps hitting on your wife in Latin.
Number five, refers to his studio apartment as the Little Vatican.
Number four, his name is Kenny, but he asks you to call him John Paul.
Number three, regularly offers to baptize you with the garden hose.
Number two, short on money, he just made the Domino's kid a saint.
And the number one sign your neighbor is vying to be the next pope threatens to
send you to hell if your dog craps on his lawn again.
Paul, what do you know about the new pope, Pope Francis I, do you know anything
about him?
He is Italian-born, but was living in Argentina.
Cardinal in Argentina, that's correct.
And you know what that means?
You ever been to Argentina?
No, sir.
It's the land of the pompous.
What do you mean?
The land of the pompous, the wide-open prairie, and the people who live and
ride like crazy on the pompous would be gauchos.
Gauchos.
Yeah, gauchos.
Gauchos.
Gauchos.
Gauchos.
Gauchos.
Gauchos.
So that means, ladies and gentlemen, for the first time in the history of the
Catholic Church, we have a gaucho pope.
And guess what?
Here he comes now.
What are you doing?
Well, we've got the outfit, got the rider, got the horse.
Right.
Just wondering if the laugh was worth it.
Well, well, I...
What?
I mean, if you're going to get out of...
Hey, listen.
Do we have him all night?
Could we get him going north on Broadway?
Oh, I didn't see that.
Turn him around.
Send him north.
Let's see if the gaucho pope can head to the park.
Come on.
Go.
Hey, pope!
He's wandering around in traffic.
Oh, my God.
Oh, that's good.
Now, I've never been there, but I'm betting you that's the kind of thing you
would routinely see on the streets of Buenos Aires.
Well, well, this will be fun.
We get to go back all night to the pope.
Now, I feel much better about the whole thing.
The category of top ten song titles on the pope's new album.
You know, the pope, I guess this is a new release.
He's done this in the past.
This is the pope song, singing, I guess.
Pope singing.
Yeah.
It's a brand-new CD, and I believe it's available now.
All right.
Anyway, we have the top ten song titles on the pope's new album.
Here are the top ten songs.
How many cuts usually on a standard CD?
There's usually, oh, these days it could be 14.
Really, 14?
Okay.
Well, we have the top ten here.
Ten, yeah.
Maybe the pope only cut ten.
All right, fine.
Well, I think he cut a lot.
He went into the studio, cut a bunch of things.
Yeah.
Like, 24 things, and he picked the best.
And then the rest will probably be released in a holiday album.
That's right, yeah.
Here we go.
Top ten song titles on the pope's new album.
Number ten.
Girls Just Want to Be Nuns.
Number nine.
Wind Beneath My Vestments.
Number eight.
Pretty Fly for a Celibate Guy.
Number seven.
A Wider Shade of Robe.
Number six.
Exactly Like a Virgin.
Number five.
Sistine Candles.
Number four.
Take this job and read it.
Number three.
Getting Popey Wit It.
Number two.
God Must Have Spent a Little More Time on Me.
What is that?
God Must Have Spent a Little More Time on Me.
There's an NSYNC song.
Oh, is that right?
Yeah, it's a parody of that.
Thank you.
And the number one song title on the pope's new album,
Papa's Got a Brand New Encyclical.
People are so excited about the new pope.
And I don't care whether you're a religious person or not.
It was exciting to see those people crammed there into the Vatican Square
staring at the chimney.
And now, because everybody had the pope fever, CBS, this very network, and God
bless them,
and I mean that in the very best sense of the expression,
is jumping on the pope bandwagon and has already developed a pope-based theme
show for next year.
Right here on CBS.
Take a look.
Here's the new pope show on CBS.
Black smoke, no new pope.
White smoke, a new pope has been elected.
Green smoke, they've elected Pope Pope.
Pope Pope, coming this fall to CBS.
Top ten things overheard during the pope's visit to New York City.
Here we go, number ten.
Sir, when did you realize your pope-mobile was missing?
Number nine.
Number nine.
Hey, pal, take off the hat.
Number eight.
He looks a lot pope-ier in person.
Number seven.
Tell you what, since you're the pope, you can have the Rolex for $20.
Number six.
Number six.
Thank you, Heavenly Father, for letting me survive that cab ride.
Number five.
He wants a tour of all the places they whack guys on The Sopranos.
Number four.
Relax, the Virgin Megastore isn't what it sounds like.
Number three.
Number three.
I don't care who he is, he can wait in line for his vanilla latte
like the rest of us.
Number two.
No joke, I just saw the pope and two rabbis walk into a bar.
And the number one thing I've ever heard during the pope's visit to New York
City.
Want to perform a miracle?
Help the Knicks win a game.
There's your miracle.
Is the gaucho pope on Broadway?
Let's see the gaucho pope again.
Come on.
How great does that look?
Oh, my goodness.
Why can't...
All right, that's fine.
Why can't this be real?
Why can't the pope actually be out there on a horse?
How delightful would that be?
Well, the world has been thrown into a tizzy over the announcement a couple of
days ago
that Pope Benedict XVI would be stepping down at the end of the month because
of advanced age.
He is 85 years old.
Hasn't happened in 600 years.
I always thought the gig was for life, kind of like this one.
It'll be the first time a pope has stepped down in 600 years.
So let's see what goes on.
Top 10 signs you would make a bad pope.
Now, there's a list.
There's a contingency plan.
They're ready to go.
They already have a list.
Not everybody on that list would make a great pope.
Here now, 10 things that might indicate you would be a bad pope.
Bad pope.
Who's a bad pope?
Who's a bad pope?
Who's a bad pope?
He's a bad pope.
Thank you very much.
I'm an idiot.
Top 10 signs you would make a bad pope.
Here we go.
Number 10.
Typically, spend Sundays disabled by a hangover.
Number 9.
Religion isn't really your thing.
Number 8.
You pronounce the P in psalms.
Psalms.
Number 7.
Last time God spoke to you, he told you to stay out of church.
Number 6.
Know nothing about Vatican.
Know a lot about Vicodin.
Number 5.
You think Papal is an online payment website.
Number 4.
Only want the job as an excuse to avoid sex with your wife.
Number 3.
And in times of trouble, ask yourself, what would Keith Richards do?
Number 2.
Your most recent prayer.
Dear God, don't let it be herpes.
That's just awful.
And the number 1 sign you'd make a bad pope.
Even Jesus thinks you're a stooge.
There you go.
Let's check in on the pope on Broadway.
I can't get enough of this.
Come on.
Come on, buddy.
Heat it up.
You think that...
You think...
I wonder if he's a little disappointed in the turnout.
There goes the pope, but no one cares.
No one cares.
The pope is going up and down Broadway.
No one out there cares.
No one...
We care very deeply in here.
We couldn't be happy.
We're honored.
He could have gone anywhere.
Cardinal Bergoglio of Argentina.
Yeah.
South America.
Argentina.
Down there on the pompous.
It is.
On the pompous.
The pompous.
The gauchos.
It'll be our first gaucho pope.
We have...
Elected the 266th pope earlier today.
He has taken the name Pope Francis I.
And here are now other names he could have selected.
Other names that he thought about.
And while they're down there, get him all ready to go.
And, you know, drinking and getting crazy.
He's thinking about names he might have selected.
You know, popping the...
He's doing that.
What is he doing?
No, no, he doesn't.
He, he, he.
No, no.
Other names that he considered.
And he didn't have much time to think about it.
So these are all quick considerations.
But he turned them down.
He selected Pope Francis.
Here we go.
Number 10.
Kim Jong Pope.
Nope, nope.
Number 9.
Pope Pius Galifianakis.
Number 8.
Pope John MMMLXXXVI.
The 3,087th.
Pope XVIth, the 11th.
That was number 7.
Pope XVIth, the 11th.
Number 6.
Pope Milton Tingling.
Milton Tingling.
Hey.
My Milton.
Lady.
My Milton is Tingling.
Lady.
Nope.
Number 5.
Pope W. Bush.
Number 4.
Number 4.
Pope John Paul Van Damme.
Number 3.
Pope Mike the Situation Sorrentino.
Number 2.
Sponge Pope Big Hat.
And the number 1 rejected Pope named Francis Ford Popola.
Paul, have you seen the Gaucho Pope lately?
Well, I saw them a little while ago, but I can't get enough of them, I'll tell
you that one.
Oh, no.
Oh, no.
I knew something would go wrong.
I just knew it.
The Gaucho Pope is receiving a ticket.
This is embarrassing.
Yeah, that's right.
You can't know.
You can't.
You take your horse.
This is embarrassing.
Get the hell out of here.
Maybe this kind of crap goes in Argentina.
But...
But...
But...
Maybe this kind of crap goes in Argentina, but...
Maybe this kind of crap goes in Argentina, but...
Maybe this kind of crap goes in Argentina, but...
Maybe this kind of crap goes in Argentina, but...
Maybe this kind of crap goes in Argentina, but...
Maybe this kind of crap goes in Argentina, but...
Maybe this kind of crap goes in Argentina, but...
Maybe this kind of crap goes in Argentina, but...
Maybe this kind of crap goes in Argentina, but...