Name: Larry David Enjoys Hotel Sex | David Letterman
Uploaded: 2025-04-22T15:00:13.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Larry David Enjoys Hotel Sex | David Letterman' from Letterman on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-04-22. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Larry David Enjoys Hotel Sex | David Letterman' from Letterman on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-04-22. Transcript available.

Larry, Larry David, how are you?
Happy New Year.
Oh, thank you.
Oh, shut up.
I am, um, I'm so happy to see you.
Let me tell you something.
A few years ago, not so very long ago,
I was under the impression that you didn't really enjoy
being on television talk shows,
and yet you've been on our show two or three, four times,
and I really appreciate it,
and I hope we've in some way been able to help you
feel more relaxed about the experience.
Well, Dave, that's so sweet of you to say.
Thank you.
And you're right, I don't enjoy it.
No, of course, I like it occasionally, you know.
Well, now you really, really have something big
to talk about this Broadway,
your debut on Broadway, right?
Not only are you starring in this,
but you have written the play.
Tell us how this came together.
Yeah, I...
I really did it this time, Dave.
What happened?
I really got myself in a pickle.
Oh, this is a big pickle.
This is a big, sour pickle,
and I can't get out of it, Dave.
Even with all my deceptive skills,
I cannot squirm out of this.
I got out of the Army by pretending to be a psychopath,
but this...
This I can't get out of.
You might try that.
Yeah, and you know what?
I thought the Ebola virus might do it.
No.
I thought, hey, there's a plague.
Fantastic.
They'll shut down the city.
There'll be no Broadway.
No.
I'm done.
Yeah.
It was great news.
No, fantastic is not the correct reaction
to the Ebola plague.
Well, I thought it was...
I thought it was going to get me out.
Alas, it never materialized.
But what is your concern, for God's sake?
Oh, my concern?
Where do I begin?
Where do I begin?
I mean, everything.
I'm concerned about everything.
Now, wait a minute.
You have your own show.
You were in a film.
I saw you in a Woody Allen movie.
You're a seasoned veteran entertainer-writer.
Yeah.
What is the problem?
Well, I'm not an actor.
Isn't that a problem?
I'm not really an actor.
But we've seen you in shows where you're acting.
Yeah, you know, I'm making it up.
I'm improvising.
Right.
This is different.
So you wrote this play, but not for yourself.
No, no.
I didn't want to be in it.
No.
What happened was this.
My friend Lloyd Barna's father died,
and I thought it was, you know, kind of funny.
It's comforting.
It's comforting to have a pal like me
in a time like that.
Let me just stop you right there.
Yeah.
What was amusing about the man's passing?
Well, he was telling me about it,
and there were some funny incidents,
and I thought this could be a play.
But I never intended to be in it.
I didn't write it to be in it.
I wrote it to stand in the back and watch.
And it just, coincidentally, the main character
sounds very much like me.
Yeah.
So as you were writing it,
who did you imagine as the star?
Anyone but me.
Well, that brings us to the next question.
You can't get out of it.
Yeah.
You must be rehearsing now.
Yeah.
How's it going?
Well, first of all, I'll tell you what happened.
The producer's the one who talked me into doing it.
Mm-hmm.
He told me that it would be tremendous for my social life.
You know, how are you going to turn that down?
Yeah.
I would go to Iraq if somebody told me
it was good for my social life.
So basically, I'm doing the play for my social life.
What an idiot.
Now, here's what I know about Broadway plays.
The schedule is nothing if not grueling.
You're always at the theater.
And when you're not at the theater,
you're getting ready to go to the theater.
There's no social life.
I didn't know that.
Yeah.
I didn't know that.
I wish I had spoken to you and been on the show before.
I'm here.
I don't know why you didn't drop by.
I should have.
That was a terrible mistake.
Yeah, I know.
There's no social life.
I'm doing it to get laid, but I can't.
No, that's right.
Between acts?
No, that's not going to happen.
Yeah.
Who does a play to get laid?
Me.
Well, what more can you tell us about the experience?
Now, is your confidence growing with the rehearsals?
Confidence growing?
I have no confidence.
First of all, Dave, I don't even like the theater, you know.
I don't go to the theater.
Right.
You know, I find that it's, you go there,
there's a lot of hustle and bustle outside in the lobby.
Yeah.
You know, it's like going to the airport for me.
I don't, I don't care for it.
You don't care for it.
And I'm nervous for the actors
that they're going to forget their lines.
Yeah, that's right.
And the people in the audience
are just sitting there looking right at you.
Yeah, it's scary.
I'm worried for the actors.
I don't know how they're going to remember their lines.
Now, how are you with remembering lines?
I can't remember what I have for breakfast, you know.
I'm not going to be able to remember my lines.
Dave, I'm nervous.
I'm frightened.
I'm scared to death.
Help me.
I don't know.
Dave, help me.
I don't know what I can do.
Do something.
I mean, I'm retiring.
Could you retire?
Just announce your retirement
and we'll leave together.
Oh, if only.
Now, in the end of the play, do you die?
I don't want to give it away.
But I don't.
You don't?
No.
I was going to say,
if you do die in the end of the movie,
move it up to the first act.
Yeah.
Dave.
You get to go home.
You're at Sardi's.
Yeah.
Where, Larry, where are you living while you do the play?
Do you have a home here?
Dave, just before we leave the play,
I just have one thing to say to you.
Sure.
Okay.
There's one request.
Yeah.
And I have tremendous respect for you.
I love you.
Well, I love you as well.
Yes, but don't come.
No, I'm coming.
No, don't.
Paul and I are coming.
I don't.
No, you're not coming.
No, Paul and I are coming.
You're not coming.
First of all, you have a very distinctive laugh.
I know you laugh.
I'm going to hear you laugh.
I'm going to go, oh, Dave's in the audience.
What's Dave doing here?
Oh, I wonder if Dave's enjoying the show.
Well, if I'm laughing, of course I'm enjoying the show.
Well, I'm going to lose my focus.
I'm going to think, what, you know,
is there, what, did Dave bring a snack?
Well, what kind of snack did Dave bring?
Is Dave going to go to the bathroom at intermission?
You know, I'm just going to, all my focus will be gone.
Do yourself a favor.
Stay home.
You don't need to go.
No, I'm coming.
I'm coming.
And I'm telling you, I wish you a very, very long run
because this will be good for you.
How so?
Well, it will help build your confidence.
It will add a new dimension to your life.
You'll be the king of Broadway.
Really?
Yes.
Well, I kind of doubt that, but, you know.
Now, again, it's all important to have a routine.
Where will you be living?
I'm staying at a hotel.
It's all right.
Nice hotel?
It's not just all right, Dave.
Don't just say all right.
Uh-huh.
Staying at a hotel is the best way to go.
Okay.
Okay.
I got one word for you.
Transience.
It's all transient.
People are there for one day, two days, three at the most.
You know, they're gone.
Goodbye.
Nobody knows how often you wear the same pants.
You know, I hate the...
I can't stand these people who track your outfits.
You wore that sweatshirt three days last week.
Yeah, mind your own damn business.
Yeah.
And, by the way, Dave, you know, the hotel, if you have a sexual encounter,
needless to say, and, of course, I expect to,
if you have a sexual encounter, it's over.
It's over.
They're gone.
They go home.
They go back home.
There's no messy goodbyes or emotional scenes.
It's all done.
Yeah.
Yeah, because they can't possibly stay here.
It's a hotel.
Exactly.
And it's hotel sex, too, which is, come on.
Yeah.
Hotel sex.
That's Brighton.
That's a Brighton thing.
Not to be confused with Motel 6.
Hotel sex.
Hotel sex.
It's different.
It's engaging.
But here's the thing.
Here's the beautiful part about this.
Yes, what?
And forgive me if I'm filling in blanks you've already filled in.
Oh, fill them in.
The encounter is over.
Oh, look at the time.
I've got to get to the theater.
You know what I would do?
The Court Theater probably been around since before the Second World War,
maybe even the First World War.
Think of all of the great theatrical productions
that have been mounted on the stage there at the Court Theater.
I prefer not to.
Okay.
Now, are there any downsides to living in a hotel?
After a while, you kind of get the heebie-jeebies, huh?
Well, Dave, I've got to tell you something.
Situations come up.
The housekeeper caught me naked in my room.
In the room.
Yes, she knocked and entered.
There was no pause between the knocking and the entering.
You know?
Bang, bang, open the door.
Well, open the door.
You know, the first thing they teach in the housekeeping school,
you knock and you wait.
You wait, you wait.
You know, see?
It was a discreet amount of time.
Yes, a proper amount of time before you barge in.
So, you know, she entered and she shrieked.
Oh, God.
She shrieked like she'd witnessed a murder, you know?
I mean, it was unbelievable.
It was frightening.
And she yelled for help and ran out of the room.
Like, I planned this, you know?
Insane.
Screamed for help and ran out of the room.
Screamed for help and ran out of the room.
Help.
Yes.
Help with what?
What was she going to help with?
I guess she thought that I was, this is, I'm making a move.
Uh-huh, yeah.
So, anyway, it's, uh, it's really bad now at the hotel for me.
Oh, so the word gets around.
The word has gotten out that I'm a perv, Dave.
You know, and all the, all the clerks and the bellhops.
Yeah.
Who, they always gave me great greetings in the lobby and big hellos.
And the bellhops love me.
Yeah.
Je suis bellhop, you know?
So, you know, now, now they, they, they turn their backs on me.
Like, like the cops with, uh, de Blasio.
Yeah, no, that's awful.
You know?
You can say goodbye to turndown service.
That ain't gonna happen.
You're not kidding.
Yeah.
You've had turndown service.
There's no more shampoo in the room.
There's nothing.
That's right.
She hasn't, she hasn't cleaned in four days.
Okay?
So the room is a dump.
The room's a dump.
Yeah.
Yes, I can't clean it.
No, of course not.
No, I don't expect it.
No, you're at the theater.
Dave, I'm not gonna clean it.
I can't, I can't do that.
I don't blame you.
But listen, listen, she hasn't come back for four days.
She's traumatized from seeing my penis.
You know?
What's going on?
So listen.
Yeah, whoa, yeah, I'm sorry.
Yeah, no, I'm not done.
So I, I made some inquiries.
Uh-huh.
And, uh, she's gone back to Poland.
She went back to Poland.
She went back to Poland.
Because of this episode?
What, what else am I to think?
Well, I think there's probably a million different reasons the woman returned
to Poland.
No, I'm sure it was because she was traumatized from, from the whole thing, you
know.
And this is her last impression of America, my penis.
My penis.
That's what she's carrying.
That's her thought of America for the rest of her life.
And let me, and again, this is none of my business.
No, make it your business.
Anatomically speaking, is there something that would cause this reaction?
Did, that the woman actually returned to Poland?
Wow.
You know, I don't want to brag.
Uh, I don't know.
Don't know?
No, I don't know.
It's not for you to say.
No, no.
I'm, I'm a modest fellow.
I'm a modest fellow.
Yes, you're the soul of discretion.
Well, now listen.
Um, Fish in the Dark, uh, at the Court Theater.
And Paul and I will be there opening night.
No, no, we're going to be there opening night.
We're not coming.
We're coming.
We are coming.
Laughing, enjoying.
Yes.
Everything.
And you'll know we're there.
Don't, don't laugh.
I know you laugh.
I don't want to hear it.
No, I'll be laughing.
Uh, previews begin February 2nd.
Uh, opens March 5th.
It's going to run forever, ladies and gentlemen.
Larry David.
Good luck, my friend. Nice job. Good to see you.