Name: Dave's Waymo Road Rage | David Letterman
Uploaded: 2025-04-25T15:01:16.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Dave's Waymo Road Rage | David Letterman' from Letterman on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-04-25. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Dave's Waymo Road Rage | David Letterman' from Letterman on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-04-25. Transcript available.

Hi, I'm Barbara Gaines. This is the Barbara Gaines Show. I'm Barbara. This is
Mary of the
Mary Barclays. This is Dave. Hi, everybody. Hi, it's a beautiful day. We're
outside. Where are we?
We're in Oregon. We've been invited out here by the Oregon Chamber of Commerce.
That's what I hear. We're on the banks of... What are you looking at? I'm just
looking. Oh.
Okay. They're out in nature. This is distracting. Oh, but have you been locked
up? Hey, you just got back from L.A.
Yes. Oh, Mary and I were in Los Angeles a week and a half ago, two weeks ago.
Yeah, about a week ago.
And I will say that in the wake of the horrible tragedies that have befallen
that community, it was a very pleasant outing.
Wouldn't you say, Mary? Yeah, it was. I saw you on the TV.
They'll never get over that horrible inferno that, my God, it's incomprehensible.
Yeah.
However, things in our lives couldn't have been more pleasant and people were
very nice.
And yes, I got to be on TV. I enjoy being on TV.
A lot of times people say to me, why do you do for that Barbara Gaines Show,
for example?
Uh, I just like being on TV.
But this isn't TV.
When Dave and, uh, I, when Dave will sometimes go out and like do errands and
we've got into the CVS where you walk in and you're on the camera there, every
time he stops and waves, he says, I just like being on TV.
Yeah. And then I usually wrap it up, we'll be right back.
It's just like having a show there at CVS.
The CVS is just like this.
Yeah. CBS is, this is not as good as the CVS show.
Right.
Yeah. But anyway, we're in California.
So you did a real thing in California.
Yeah. The people out there were nice. They were friendly. We did a, there's a
kid who was very popular, uh, John Mulaney.
Yes.
Yeah.
Very funny.
And I think represents the new genius of standup comedy. He and a handful of
other men and women have raised the bar.
Uh, he's so eloquent. He's so, uh, thoughtful. He's so bright. He's so
confident.
You're just can't get enough of John Mulaney.
Who would be some other?
Very handsome. He's got his head and hair.
Oh, the head and hair.
Draw line and stuff.
Oh, my God. Fantastic hair.
Oh, he's jacked. I don't know about that.
Yeah, he looks really good.
Yep. And there are other kids who are, who are as good, uh, but it's a whole
new, like when I started out doing standup comedy, excuse the expression, it
was pretty dim stuff.
Uh, but this is, is a bright new day in the world of standup comedy. Anyway, he's
got this show on the Netflix.
Yeah. Wednesday nights.
Wednesday nights.
Oh, right.
It's called Everybody's Live.
Is that what it's called?
Everybody's Live.
Yeah. And, uh, it's like a talk show, except it's not. I mean, if you're hoping
to see the Mike Douglas show, again, a 60-year-old reference, I'm sorry.
He had a show, Mike Douglas.
He had a show. I remember he got mad because Paul and I were talking about Mike
Douglas, and I steadfastly announced Mike Douglas was dead.
Wait, this is on your old show?
On the old show, the late night show. And I, I knew he wasn't dead, but I was
just doing it to see if we'd hear from Mike Douglas.
Wait, is that who you used to say, uh, stole from casinos, or that was someone
else?
Stole from casinos.
Wait, it wasn't, was it Mike Douglas?
Wait a minute, you're thinking of your brother, Ira?
No, no, no.
He definitely didn't have a talk to him.
Is it Merv?
Yes, it's Merv.
Merv didn't steal from casinos. Did I say that?
It says something.
You know, here's, if you don't remember Merv, there's no chance you're going to
remember Mike Douglas.
This is pathetic.
Was it Wayne Newton?
It's like we're talking to an empty classroom. Nobody cares anymore. We're old.
We're just goddamn old.
Oh, you know what happened when I was in California?
I had not been there in about a year.
And the previous time I was in California, Cali, they had riding around on the
streets, these, these little, uh, like lamp table size, uh, motorized, self-propelled
delivery carts.
And if you like it at 10 o'clock on a Thursday night, you need Mountain Dew.
So you, you dial in your thing and it'll put a case of Mountain Dew in this
little buzz box, and it's, and they're, they're annoying.
And I hated them because I thought this represents a, a, a, a, a technological
advancement that sucks.
If this is the best we could do, I mean, it had been 40 years since we put a
man on the moon and now we got these goddamn little delivery, rusted old piece
of crap running around carrying Mountain Dew to shut in.
And I hated them.
And every, every day, oh Jesus.
And you, you think you're about to be harmed when you're walking in one of them.
So there's little robots all over LA.
Yeah.
Yes.
And it's, it's sickened me because I thought this is not what they said the
future would be.
Uh, they said the future would be flying cars and, uh, you know, get a whole
meal in one little capsule, all kinds of cool stuff.
This was junk, just crap, just a waste of money.
And, and people were knocking them over, stealing the Mountain Dew and setting
fire to them.
And I said, good for you.
So now driving in from the airport and, uh, I'm with some people and a friend
of mine in the car said, oh, look, there's a Waymo.
I have no idea what a Waymo is.
And I'm looking around, I see nothing.
So I go back to sleep.
You were driving?
Yeah.
You gotta, you gotta get your sleep every few miles.
And then you get, oh, look, there's another Waymo.
Now this time I, I see it and what it is, is this brand new, shiny, spotless,
white Jaguar SUV.
And it's got space equipment on it.
It's got a big dome on the top that whirls around like that.
It's got flashing lights and things running up and down and measuring it and
big things hanging off the front bumper and big things hanging off the back
bumper.
And I look into the Waymo.
There's nobody in there.
The son of a bitch is empty, but yet it's driving along.
Oh, self-driving car.
It's a self-driving car called the Waymo.
And so now I'm on high alert.
And just the complete opposite of how I hated the little buzz box delivery
machine, I was delighted by the Waymo.
It's like, whoa, better, better.
Because you always heard about, are they going to be driverless cars?
You're like, sure, I guess.
And then one would turn over and kill a bunch of people and then another would
head on into a truck and kill a bunch of people.
And you just thought, well, we're never going to have driverless cars because
who better to drive cars than humans?
Sure.
Turns out.
So anyway, this Waymo thing, there's nobody in the damn car.
Nobody.
And I'm thrilled.
And now they seem to be swarming.
It's like they think we are the mothership.
And they're following us and there's a Waymo here and a Waymo there and they're
making turns and they're signaling and they're going straight and they're
accelerating and breaking.
It was like a whole new galaxy of life.
So I'm thrilled now and a Waymo pulls up right next to us and I roll down the
window and with every ounce of energy I have, I scream, hey, Waymo!
As loud as I can because I want people to know that I've interacted with Waymo.
And then the next thing, for reasons I still don't understand, I did this.
The window was still on and I said, hey, Waymo, fuck you!
And the second I said that, I realized I made a terrible mistake because the
Waymo is omniscient and somewhere is Waymo Central where these are all being
monitored.
And Waymo now has on their file, digital file, video of an old man with a beard
in a car screaming, fuck you, Waymo!
Right.
So I called Jimmy Kimmel and I said, can I stay at your guest?
It was with great enthusiasm and excitement.
You were so happy.
I was so excited.
It was like, it was like the best Christmas time, the hundred.
It was delightful.
And it came out as, hey, fuck you, Waymo!
And I did, my apologies, by the way.
I was delighted.
And then we tried to get a ride in Waymo.
No, I still haven't ridden in a Waymo.
I downloaded the app, but it just didn't work out time-wise.
Do you just think Waymo now has a thing against you?
Of course they do.
They've seen me.
I'm sure there's a warrant for my arrest.
Yeah, but they'll take money.
They'll still come.
But I would love to ride Waymo because it would be so nice, first of all, to
see what kind
of stuff other people may have left in the car.
So there's a bonus.
Secondly, you don't have to talk to the guy about where you're from.
There's nobody driving.
But you wouldn't be nervous that Waymo will take you where Waymo wants to take
you?
I would love that.
To be kidnapped, to be human trafficked by Waymo, that would be so thrilling.
It's so bizarre to me because I feel like you said everything about this, you
should
be like, oh, I'm never getting a Waymo.
Exactly.
No, nobody is more surprised than myself because, as I illustrated, I had
nothing but scorn for
that big old stupid delivery box.
You have a whole rant about luggage on wheels.
That's right.
That's right.
But this pushed right through that barrier.
But you are lazy.
Carry your bag.
You've never liked the luggage on wheels.
It was like, no, that's the end of civilization.
People, oh, I can't carry my own luggage.
All right, let's put wheels on it.
Or whatever.
What do they say?
Don't travel.
You got a bad back, don't travel.
I mean, it's just so easy to wheel with it.
I've never had a Wheeler.
I know, but back to Waymo.
And by the way, I have a bad back.
I couldn't care less.
I just think you feel it's more manly to carry.
But back to Waymo, he was all in.
Like I keep saying, no one is more surprised that I fell in love with Waymo.
So not just kind of a, you know, not a, but a long term.
You know, I'm in Solum.
I want a Waymo.
I just want Waymo.
Oh, my God.
You should give like a commercial.
This is Dave Letterman for Waymo.
Hi, I'm Dave Letterman.
Have you heard about Waymo?
But the best was they were swarming our car.
So I think they knew.
They were everywhere.
They were just neat.
By the way, they don't make that noise.
They make no sound.
They're quiet.
And beautiful cars.
Yeah, really nice.
And they just kind of appear.
I know.
Yes.
I have a long attraction.
Are they only in Los Angeles?
Several states.
San Francisco.
San Francisco, Los Angeles, Austin, Texas, and then maybe somewhere in Arizona.
Was it Boston they were in or not?
No, I don't think Boston.
Muncie.
Muncie, Indiana.
The big Waymo center.
Well, that's very interesting.
It is odd, isn't it?
That Muncie would get them.
Yeah, I know.
Yeah.
Well.
I bid.
I think Muncie's got the Olympics coming up, too.
Brought to you by Waymo.
I think so.
If there was a Waymo here now, I'd get in it.
And just leave?
Sure.
Wherever Waymo wants to go.
By the way, I don't care where it takes me.
It can take me down to San Pedro.
I don't care.
I'm fine.
I just want to be a part of that.
Part of the Waymo.
Hey, Waymo, fuck you.
I'm so sorry, Waymo.
Anyway, thanks for watching.
Thanks for viewing.
And if you subscribe today, the next three months are free.
Sure.
View, subscribe, do it.
Thanks.
Goodbye.
Hey, Waymo, fuck you.
Woo!