Name: Dave Sucks Up To Bangor, Maine | David Letterman
Uploaded: 2025-05-09T15:01:11.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Dave Sucks Up To Bangor, Maine | David Letterman' from Letterman on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-05-09. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Dave Sucks Up To Bangor, Maine | David Letterman' from Letterman on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-05-09. Transcript available.

The program, Annie Potts is here tonight, and also Hiram Bullock with our band.
And they'll be performing a song a little bit later.
Did we identify the song already, Paul?
The song, I don't want to know if I should give it away.
Okay, we'll save it.
But that'll be in a couple of moments from now.
Tomorrow on the program, Robert Klein will be here, Courtney Cox and Dan Fogelberg.
That'll be tomorrow.
And then Thursday, we'll be on, this program will be on at 1130, Thursday
evening,
with Dabney Coleman and Stupid Petricks.
That will be Thursday, ladies and gentlemen.
We were taking a look at some memos and paperwork that we were clearing out of
the office earlier today.
And we came across this one correspondence.
This comes from the research department here at NBC, NBC Research.
It's right up there in the NBC inner office.
Well, take my word for it.
Trust me, we'll be days waiting on that shot.
Any news on the strike yet, Paul?
Yeah, I've been working as hard as I can on the strike.
Thank you very much.
The gist of this memo concerns a town known as Bangor, Maine.
Anybody here from Bangor?
All right.
I've been to Bangor once when I was a kid.
Seemed like a lovely community.
In, I believe, the central, well, there it is.
Part of Maine.
And the memo says, based on the latest Nielsen reports, it appears that Bangor,
Maine had the lowest delivery of all local markets with a rating below 1.0 and
unreportedly low share level, which they determined to be unmeasurable.
Now, what all of this means essentially is there's no one in the city of Bangor,
Maine watching this show.
Nobody.
So we said to ourselves, geez, that's kind of too bad.
And not many of us really know too much about Bangor.
So let's find out a couple of things and see if there's something we can't do
to overcome this.
No one in Bangor, Paul.
Nobody's watching.
That's right.
No one's watching.
That's right.
No one stays up and watches.
32,000 is the population of Bangor, Maine.
The NBC affiliate there is WLBZ.
WLBZ.
WLBZ, Channel 2.
Bangor was founded as a city in 1769.
They produce many wonderful products, local products.
Well, Bangor is a trade and distribution center for northeastern Maine.
And talk about products.
Anybody fond of walking owes a debt of thanks to Bangor, Maine.
It's a leading producer of shoes.
Anyone for lumber or lumber byproducts?
Well, the abundant forests of the pine tree state surround Bangor like an emerald
necklace.
And finally, paper.
From napkins to facial wipes.
Truly, Bangor is a place where, hey, anything goes.
Thank you very much, Lori.
So, we have the problem now that no one in Bangor is watching this show.
And we know a little bit more about the fine city of Bangor, Maine.
But what can we do to help overcome this obstacle?
We've invited a friend out here tonight to help us with this problem.
Larry, are you back there?
Ladies and gentlemen, our good friend Larry Bud Melman.
So, now, Larry, we have something here that we think will help improve our
ratings in Bangor, Maine.
What do we have?
I'm going to read from the White Pages.
Uh-huh.
The White Pages of Bangor, Maine.
The Bangor, Maine.
You're just going to select it random.
I'm going to select it random.
The names of people living in Bangor.
In Bangor.
All right.
You're right ahead.
Durham R.
Huh?
Durham R.
Wouldn't it be R, Durham?
Well, they have it here, Durham R.
Is that okay?
Oh, all right.
So, it sounds to me like this book may be alphabetized.
Absolutely.
Yeah.
How about Judd Guston?
Kind of handy, I guess.
Who?
Judd Guston.
Judd Guston.
Okay.
All right.
Uh, Mitchell Kenneth.
Okay.
And again, I'm guessing maybe his name is...
Kenneth Mitchell.
There you go.
Thank you, Dave.
So, here's what we're going to do.
Every night, we're going to be mentioning people who have their names in the
Bangor phone book.
Now, don't you think, seriously, that that's worth staying up for?
I guess we do.
Thank you, Dave.
Thanks, Larry.
Thanks, Larry.
Yeah.
Paul, I understand you have a little contribution you'd like to make.
Yes, I have, David, actually.
This is a Jeff Martin composition, and it goes something like this.
Third boxcar, Midnight Train, destination, Bangor, Maine, a place where they
make sandpaper, shoes, and lumber.
But those lumberjacks, they're not late-night TV viewers, for at midnight, sad
to say, they'd rather slumber.
Hey, Banger, it's a beautiful lady.
Hey, Banger, it's a beautiful lady.
Yeah, Banger, it's a sweet, sweet mystery.
Hey, I don't even know her.
But someday, that town will belong to me.
Oh, it's safer, ladies and gentlemen.
We'll be right back here with Annie Potts.
Let me do this first.
It was called to our attention a couple of days ago that in the fine city of
Bangor, Maine, nobody watches this show.
So what we're going to do now is just read at random names from the Bangor
white pages
as a cheap way to get people to watch the show up there in Bangor.
Tonight, I'd like to read from the Dotties.
D-O-U-G-H-T-Y.
These would be the Bangor Dotties.
Which are so good, fresh from the oven on a winter morning.
Mom used to make them for the holidays.
We'd have the Bangor Dotties.
Brian Dottie.
A.C. Dottie.
Carl D. Dottie.
David Dottie.
Donald Dottie.
Francis Dottie.
Gail F. and Louis Dottie.
Those are my favorite Dotties.
And one more.
Lillian.
Mrs. Lillian Dottie.
Here we have a copy of the Bangor, Maine white pages.
I'm going to read a couple of names tonight.
Tonight, we'll be reading the Pattersons.
Alton Patterson.
Amos G. Patterson.
Arthur M. Patterson.
Brian Patterson.
Brian and Charlene Patterson.
I'll bet they're newlyweds.
I have a hunch they're newlyweds.
Dennis Patterson and Donald Patterson.
And finally, I'd like to finish up tonight with Dudley Patterson.
And you're saying to yourself, why is he reading for the Bangor white pages?
It's because it's a silly little inducement to get people in Bangor to watch
the show.
We learned a couple of days ago that no one in Bangor watches the show.
And it turns out it's simply because they don't care for me.
So we thought that maybe if they heard their names mentioned on network
television, that
they would watch.
That's what we thought.
Let me read a couple of names out of the Bangor telephone book.
You know, we've been getting a lot of calls from the people who live in Bangor.
And apparently, the name of the town is actually pronounced Bangor.
Bangor.
B-A-N-G-O-R.
They get your ban and your gore.
Bangor.
Bangor.
But since you people aren't watching, I don't care.
I'll continue to call it Bangor.
All right?
As far as I'm concerned, you folks live in Bangor.
Okay?
Uh, Pelletier.
The Bangor Pelletiers.
Oh, what a lovely precision marching band they are.
The Pelletiers Armand and Lorraine Pelletier.
Armand N. Pelletier.
Brenda Pelletier.
Carol Pelletier.
Selena Pelletier.
That's a lovely name.
Selena is a name.
Selena Pelletier.
Nice.
Selena Pelletier.
Ya-da-da-dee-dee.
Do you think it's...
And finally, Danielle Pelletier.
These are all lovely names.
Do you think it's Pelletier, perhaps?
Am I mispronouncing it?
It could be Pelletier.
Well, it's spelled that way.
P-E-L-L-E-T-I-E-R.
Pelletier?
Could be.
I don't know.
Who knows?
We'll never find out.
They're not watching.
They're not watching.
They won't know.
Well, let's get right to the Bangor, Maine phone book.
Today, I think I'm going to read from the Smith list.
These are people in Bangor, Maine.
Actual phone book.
Actual names.
Carl D. Smith.
Carl E. Smith.
Carl R. Smith.
Carl R. and Mary Smith.
Carlton and Hilda Smith.
And one more, the Reverend Carol Smith.
You know, the last week or so, we've been trying to entice people in Bangor,
Maine,
to watch the program by reading their names out of the Bangor white pages here.
And we felt tonight we wanted to do a little something extra,
not only for the people in Bangor,
but also the folks across North America and here in our studio audience as well.
So, ladies and gentlemen,
here tonight to read names from the Bangor area phone book,
Emmy Award winner, Academy Award winner,
the eminent star of motion pictures and television,
distinguished actor, Mr. Robert Vaughn.
Robert?
Robert?
This is very exciting for me, David,
because I've only read publicly from the Ridgefield and New Canaan, Connecticut
phone books before.
Well, it is a coup.
This is a big breakthrough.
It is a coup, isn't it?
On your show.
Yes, sir.
It's very exciting.
I'm going to read tonight about the Nickersons.
The Nickersons.
The Nickersons of Bangor, Maine.
All right.
Nickerson Edna M.
Nickerson Elmer D.
Nickerson Everett.
Nickerson Fred H.
Nickerson Fred and Jackie together.
Nickerson Fred and Judith.
Nickerson Gerald.
Nickerson Hilda.
Ah.
Hilda.
Nickerson Hildreth.
Nickerson Howard.
And last,
last, ladies and gentlemen,
Nickerson Ida
and Watson E.
Robert Vaughn, ladies and gentlemen.
To Robert Vaughn.
To Nickerson.
Very nice of you, Robert.
Thank you very much.
Robert Vaughn.
Thank you, sir.
Rather than me read lists of names,
we're going to show you on the screen
the entire Z listings
from the Bangor area phone book.
And we're doing this as a cheap inducement
to get those people to watch up there in Bangor.
I know they say it's Bangor,
but it's actually Bangor.
So here now, ladies and gentlemen,
the entire Z listings
from the Bangor area phone book.
Thank you.
Thank you.
It was Stephen King, who's from Maine, I guess, in a town not far from Bangor.
You see that Linda and Ben Zook are living over on Pinehurst now?
Are they over there now?
They have moved.
Apparently they had moved, yeah.
You should pick that up.
Yeah, well, I just saw it go by.
We'll do a commercial, and then we'll be right back here with Dennis Miller.