Name: The Best Of Albert Brooks | David Letterman
Uploaded: 2025-05-13T15:01:30.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'The Best Of Albert Brooks | David Letterman' from Letterman on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-05-13. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'The Best Of Albert Brooks | David Letterman' from Letterman on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-05-13. Transcript available.

The Best Of Albert Brooks | David Letterman

Now, you know, we're all very excited about the opening of your new film, The
Scout,
and I know you're probably doing a lot of traveling to promote the film.
Well, I've got to tell you something. This is really an interesting story.
You know, it's actually a relationship movie, but it's set in the world of
baseball.
And given that, coming in from Los Angeles last night,
I stopped in Minneapolis to visit a sick little boy in the hospital.
Is that right?
Yes, you know, in the tradition of that.
That's a very nice thing to have done.
Well, anyway, I brought Entertainment Tonight with me, but, you know, not that...
I didn't do it for that reason, but, you know, why travel alone?
Exactly.
So I went to visit him, and I went up to his room, and, I mean, this, you know,
this little kid,
I sat on the end of his bed. Let's call him Billy.
All right.
That's his real name.
Oh, no.
I promised him anonymity.
You wouldn't divulge him, yeah, well.
All right, let's call him Eddie.
All right, so it's Eddie.
Okay.
So I sat on the edge of the bed with little Eddie, and, you know, he had tubes
and wires.
I mean, you know...
Heartbreaking.
Right.
I didn't even think he would speak.
He says to me, after about five minutes, he says, Mr. Brooks, do you think the
Scout will
be the number one movie this weekend?
Oh.
And, you know, like, Babe Ruth, I just answered.
I just said, yes.
Reflex.
I just blurted it out.
Yes, sure, I understand.
Now, I don't know anything about medicine.
Things started to happen.
One needle went from, like, there, like this, went from zero to an eight.
Out of the red to the green, that kind of thing?
It didn't have any colors, but it went through a high number.
I'm sorry.
A doctor ran in with a...
Forgive me for trying to help.
A doctor ran in...
That's what his mother said.
A doctor ran in with a grin.
Everything started to, you know...
Oh, my.
You know, in retrospect, I don't think yes was a sufficient answer.
What I think I'd like to have told him was, you know, well, we didn't really
have trailers
in the theaters in time, and, you know, a woman at the studio was fired in
charge
of advertising, and the awareness was low.
But I'm not going to load that crap on him.
Exactly.
Yeah, no, that's not his problem.
But anyway, the point is, magic happened.
Now, David, you have a wonderful audience, and I don't want to put any burden
on this
audience, but I want to say something.
You go, and you make The Scout, the number one movie this weekend, and Eddie,
maybe Eddie
goes home in a year.
You go see that Meryl Streep movie.
This kid's dead on Tuesday.
This kid's dead on Tuesday.
Albert Brooks, ladies and gentlemen.
He's a wonderful human being, isn't he?
That dog.
Now, Albert, is that your dog?
This is my dog, David.
This is Peppy.
Peppy.
Peppy couldn't be more polite.
He came right over and sat right down.
Well, here's the thing.
You know, yes, I have a movie that opens up on Christmas Day in New York and
Los Angeles,
and every guest that you have, they come out and they plug, and, you know,
obviously,
I want people to see the movie.
I know they'll love it, but I wanted to entertain your audience.
Well, that's very generous of you, very thoughtful.
So, and not a minute too soon.
I was watching backstage, yes.
You are the originator, obviously, of the Stupid Pet Tricks, and I brought Peppy
from Los Angeles,
and what Peppy is going to do is...
Peppy's a good-looking animal.
What kind of dog is Peppy?
I don't know.
Some kind of spaniel?
It's a, it's part spaniel.
It's a, actually, I think he's one-tenth kangaroo.
Oh, it's a, got some kangaroo blood in him.
I only think that because he's got too much skin right here, but anyway, the
point is,
this is not, this is not a Stupid Pet Tricks.
This is, if, if this works, and it should, because he did it in the hotel today,
this is
the most phenomenal trick that you will ever see.
Oh, great.
Can, can I help?
Do we need anything?
Yeah, I need you to help.
First of all, while I sit...
You have some stuff over here.
Yeah, I have, I have to set it up.
Okay.
So what I want you to do is, I want you to hold the leash, but very lightly,
because when
I tell him to do what he's going to do, he's got to go.
I don't want him dragging me down.
All right.
Okay.
Peppy?
Stay.
Now I'm going to set this up.
All right.
Now do I stay as well?
No, no, you, no, no.
You sit.
I sit.
Oh, okay.
You sit.
Okay.
Okay.
Now, this has to be, I have three tables here and I'll explain to you as I set
it up.
I have to set it up to the inch or it confuses him.
Yeah.
Is that precise?
Is it, Albert?
Well, two inches.
Okay.
First of all, I have a little table with a book on it.
Table with a book.
All right.
Table with a book.
I have a table with a glass of water.
Table with a glass of water.
Table with a glass of water.
No, no, no, no.
No, no, no.
Wait, wait, wait, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
What?
Is that?
What?
I'm sorry.
He's trying to help me.
You know, the dog's not into that kind of comedy.
All right.
Well, he certainly wouldn't be alone, would he?
And a table with a telephone.
Now, what Pepe is going to do, David, it's one of the most phenomenal things.
On command, Pepe will go to that table.
He will open the book.
He will start to read.
Open the book with his snout, with his paws?
Well, what do you think, a foot?
Yes.
Yeah.
Yes, with his snout.
We don't call it that, though.
I'm sorry.
With his face.
He opens the book.
He opens the book with his face.
Yeah.
He will start to read.
Start to read, yeah.
Right.
I will ring this bell.
Well, I don't want to confuse him.
No, yeah, yeah.
Not the real one.
I know, I know.
And that, and he will, that is a signal for him to close the book.
Closes the book.
And he will mark the page, hence the dog-eared.
That's how it got the expression.
Oh, is that how?
I'd never known that.
Yes.
Yes.
Yes.
He'll mark the page.
He'll go to the phone, but he'll clear his throat by having a little bit of
water.
Oh, so he stops at the middle station.
He'll stop at the middle station.
Have some water.
Have a little bit of water.
He will pick up the phone, and he will talk on the phone.
Picks it up with his snout.
Now, I noticed, I noticed, Albert.
Just a minute.
Wait a minute.
Yeah.
I'm sorry.
I told you this wouldn't happen.
I can't control him.
I noticed you have a rotary phone, and is that specially designed for the trick?
Yeah, I'll tell you, I used to do this trick with a dial phone, but he knows
how to dial.
And in Los Angeles last month, I got a phone bill for $1,140.
Oh, my God.
And I'm telling you, it was $100 for me, and almost $1,000 for him.
Yeah.
He calls London.
He can call all over the world.
Uh-huh.
So, he can't -- I use the --
I wouldn't mind getting a call from him.
He'll call you later.
I'll give you my number.
Right.
Give me your number.
He'll call you later.
He's not good with the new area codes.
Oh, yeah.
He knows 212.
That's it.
But anyway, that's for my protection for my phone bill, because he can't dial
that because
he gets his nose caught in the hole.
I understand.
Sure.
All right.
So, anyway, but you'll hear he actually talks.
I tried an experiment in the hotel this afternoon.
I dialed room service and let him talk, and I couldn't understand exactly what
he was
saying, but I swear to God, in 20 minutes, they brought up an omelet and a
steak.
So --
So, he --
That's great.
Okay.
All right.
Let's begin now.
I just have to have a little glass of water.
Okay.
I'm still holding the lead here, Albert.
Now, don't hold it tight, because he has to go.
No, it's not.
Very loose.
Okay.
Pepe?
You ready?
Here we go.
Okay.
Pepe?
Read the book.
Read the book.
Okay.
He's just -- you know, he's thinking about it, just like we all do when we read.
Mm-hmm.
Read that book, Pepe.
Mm-hmm.
Did he -- maybe he read it already in the hotel.
That's it.
Make fun of him, David.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
Okay, Pepe.
Go ahead.
Read the book.
Like the dog doesn't know.
Read the book.
Read the book.
Okay.
Now, here's what I have to do.
Mm-hmm.
I don't -- you know, I love animals, and I wouldn't have brought a dog all the
way from Los Angeles
if I didn't.
Sure.
But I'm now going to have -- if he doesn't do it, he needs to be spoken to in a
tough
manner.
All right.
Just like kid --
It's like he's going to sleep like many of our viewers.
Pepe.
Sit up.
Sit down.
Sit.
Sit.
Sit.
Sit.
Read that book.
He's ready to go.
There you go.
Now, do I release him?
No, no, no, no.
Don't release him.
All right.
Pepe was going to -- read the book.
Yeah.
All right.
Let's -- screw the book.
Let's try the phone.
Pepe.
Answer the phone.
Answer the phone.
Okay.
Answer the phone.
Paul, will you get the phone?
Let me just show --
Let me show him what to do.
I'll show him what to do, and he'll copy me.
Pepe.
Hello.
It's the pound, Pepe.
You have some space there for you?
I see.
Really?
You still use gas over there?
Oh!
Pepe.
I'm just trying to get him to do the trick.
You know, I've been embarrassed ever since my last visit with you.
Oh, please.
I'm sorry to hear that.
Yeah.
There's no need for -- no need for you to be embarrassed.
It was fine.
Well, let me just remind the audience if they don't know.
I -- you know, besides comedy, what I love to do most is train animals.
And --
You're like a Rudd Weatherwax.
You're another Rudd Weatherwax in my book.
I'm in a lawsuit now with Siegfried and Roy because -- well, that's another --
that's
not -- it's not an animal-based lawsuit.
Well, I'll bet it is.
Yeah.
In a certain sense, I'll bet it is.
Whoa!
It's just Siegfried.
I don't have a problem with Roy.
But anyway, last time I was out here, I flew across America with my dog.
What's your dog?
My dog.
Very cute.
Very cute.
And the dog is a phenomenal animal.
And, you know, we had all these tricks set up for him.
He was gonna read a book and answer the telephone.
I don't know how many of you remembered that.
Stupid pet trick kind of thing.
But it wasn't stupid.
No, it was great.
It was real.
Right.
Right.
And, you know, he did nothing.
He just laid here the whole time.
What was the dog's name?
Buddy.
Buddy, that's right.
Sure.
That's right.
What do you think?
I don't remember my uncle.
Well, no, I didn't remember.
Don't test me because I won't fail at it.
Yeah, right.
So, anyway, the dog did nothing.
Now, I got back to the hotel and I called my vet in Los Angeles and I was
really upset
and the vet said, you can't fly 3,000 miles with an animal and expect them to
perform right
away because they need more than, they have what's called a dog jet lag.
I'm sorry.
What was that term again, Albert?
It's a dog.
Well, I know the initials.
It's DJL, but I think it's dog jet lag.
Dog jet lag.
Yeah.
Because they don't fly in the comfortable thing.
They're in the belly of the plane.
Right.
Where it's cold and with the luggage.
Sure.
Sure.
And he says that the dog needed 24 hours just to acclimate himself to the...
Now, had you flown in like the day of?
Was that your mistake?
Yeah.
Oh, that's your mistake.
That's your mistake.
And sure enough, he's right because the next morning the dog's ordering room
service and,
you know, he, uh, you know what's great about the dog?
He not only gets the paper, he'll get me just the style section.
Is that right?
It's just, it's a while.
Okay.
So, you know, I, I, I have other animals that I have, that I'm very proud of
and I'm not
making the same mistake again.
Well, you brought, you brought, uh, more animals tonight.
No, but that's, no, no, no.
That's just it.
I'm not going to make the same mistake.
No, wait, wait.
No, you're going to be happy.
I have a bird, a parrot, Polly.
You know, the funny thing about me is I can train them, but I can't name them
well.
I'm like, I'm like an idiot savant.
Polly is good.
I can't, well, it's not, you know, it's not original.
Let me show you the picture of Polly.
You, you show the audience that.
All right, hold on.
Beautiful.
Isn't she?
Lovely.
Isn't she beautiful?
Yeah.
Is that, is that a, a parrot or is that a...
That's a parrot.
Looks like it 