Name: Dave & Paul Debate The Kinks Vs. Van Halen | David Letterman
Uploaded: 2025-05-23T15:00:01.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Dave & Paul Debate The Kinks Vs. Van Halen | David Letterman' from Letterman on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-05-23. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Dave & Paul Debate The Kinks Vs. Van Halen | David Letterman' from Letterman on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-05-23. Transcript available.

I got to tell you just one thing here, because you may hear something in the
future, and I just want to, in my own defense, I'm driving to work this morning,
I needed gas, the meter is on, empty, so I pulled off to one of these places on
the highway, and I went in, and there was nobody around, I pumped my own gas,
still nobody around, I got back in the car, but before I did, I paid for the
gas, I put the 13 bucks up there in the pump where you return the nozzle, I
didn't, honest to God, I didn't steal gas on the Merritt Parkway this morning,
alright?
I don't care what you hear, I didn't steal the gas, okay? I paid the 13 bucks,
it's there in the pump, if the guy would wake up and go out, he'd find the $13.
Are we going to be reading about this now?
I hope not, but I just, one of those things, I'm getting a little gun shy, but
nobody was around, so I'm in a hurry, I pump my own gas, that's just fine, paid
for it, stuck it up there in the pump, wedged it up there.
Where exactly in the pump is it?
It's right there where you return the nozzle, where you put the, oh yeah, like
you've pumped gas in your life.
I go with the full service island usually.
I would think so.
What are we doing here tonight?
Oh, Tuesday night we put, what do we put in here Tuesday night?
We had Lavoris.
Lavoris.
Wednesday night we had Scope.
Scope.
Last night we had the Woolworth.
A combination of Scope and Woolworth.
Scope Blue and Woolworth House Brand Mouthwash.
Tonight, because it's Friday and the beginning of a wonderful autumnal weekend
here in North America, we're going to load this up with cheap wine.
Bring it out, boys.
Thanks.
Do you guys have, do you have any idea what kind of wine this is?
Carlo Ponte.
Carlo Ponte.
That's right.
He was married to Sophia Loren, wasn't he?
He was.
And it's a.
Carlo Rossi.
Carlo Rossi.
All right.
Carlo Rossi.
Carlo Rossi.
I don't know.
And you're saying it's a Burgundy.
That's great.
It's a hearty Burgundy.
All right.
How many galleons, as we say back in Indiana, have we got in here tonight?
20.
20 gallons.
20 gallons.
20 gallons of, uh, hearty, uh, Burgundy.
And, um, already it's fairly, uh, aromatic.
This reminds me of almost every party I ever attended in college.
Come on over.
No kidding.
We got, uh, we got burgers and 20 gallons of wine.
Thank you very much, gentlemen.
Is that it?
Okay.
We're going to turn it on now, ladies and gentlemen.
Get ready.
Watch out for the contact high.
Here we go.
The prancing fluids full of hearty Burgundy.
It's like being in Hurley's now.
Ooh.
And you can still smell it.
You can still smell some of the mouthwash, too.
Does that remind you of dates you've had?
Yeah.
All right.
Now what?
Oh, let's do the top ten list.
Here we go.
We got a great show for you folks tonight, believe me.
And our top ten list, uh, the category, well, thank you very much.
Uh, yeah.
Nice to see you.
It's our friend Barbara Gaines.
She's now working part-time for Captain Frank Mundus.
Did you know that, Paul?
I know that.
Got a gig out in Montauk working for Frank Mundus.
I think she's a gaffer.
Actually, gaff the shark hunting.
Uh, here we go.
Tonight's category, Jessica Hahn's top ten turn-ons.
Ah.
As timely as today's headlines.
Here we go.
Number ten, guys with their own amusement parks.
Number nine, sipping drugged wine with someone who respects me.
Number eight, making mom really mad.
Number seven, suits that are at least 30% cotton.
Number six, men who look like frogs.
Number five, jokes about Donna Rice.
Number four, some of the commandments.
Number three, high school graduates who aren't all stuck up.
Number two, men with wives who make me look good.
And Jessica Hahn's number one turn-on, a single perfect rose and a sack of hush
money.
We'll be right back.
What, uh, what, Paul, what, what exactly, uh, what the hell was that?
Well, it looked like a conquistador, uh, and a rabbit, uh, eating a lovely
sandwich, uh, in, uh, in some sort of smoky environment.
Yeah.
Just a guess, though.
I was talking about before that, though, all of those extraneous camera shots.
What the hell was that?
Oh, that.
That was...
It's, uh, it's Friday night, boys and girls, moms and dads, and kids of all
ages, and that means one thing and one thing only.
It's time to turn our attention to our voluminous viewer mail.
Let's get right to it, shall we?
Letter number one...
Letter number one begins, dear Dave, I would like one 12-piece chicken McNuggets,
a large fry, one large Sprite, McDonald's land cookies, and a Hamburglar blow
toy.
Thank you, Ed DeFalco, Mass Path, New York.
Uh, nice letter, Ed, and, and, uh, thank you very much.
I think we've, uh, learned a lot about you from this note.
Uh, I'd say by the amount of food that you have ordered, it's obvious that you
have a, a hearty appetite,
and by requesting the Hamburglar blow toy, I'm guessing you're also between
girlfriends, huh?
I didn't steal the gas.
You put the money where again?
Right up there where you put your nozzle.
Okay.
I'll be going by there after the show.
No.
To see if it's still there.
I'm sure, I'm sure the attendant woke up sometime around two or three this
afternoon, took the money, and put it in the register.
Now he knows it was you.
Yeah, yeah.
But there were a lot of people standing around doing this.
So it may very well not be there anymore.
It looked, yeah, I, yeah, I will admit it probably looked like a crime, but it
wasn't.
I put the money up there.
I'm sure the money's not there.
It's gone.
No, it's gone.
No.
Uh, letter number two.
Dear Dave, when Paul and the band play You Really Got Me, who do they picture
in their minds, the Kinks or Van Halen?
Uh, just wondering, Kathy McKissick, Lost Creek, West Virginia.
Oh, good question, Kathy.
Um, Paul, who, who do you and the band think of, uh, when you play You Really
Got Me?
Well, um, not exactly sure about that.
Why don't, why don't we just give it a try and see, uh.
All right, good.
Let's see what happens.
Two, three, four.
Okay.
We'll be right back.
So, you know, it's a little bit of Van Halen and a little bit of Kingston.
We kind of add our own sound to it.
Thank you very much, Paul.
Letter number three.
Dear Dave, how come everybody is funnier than you?
Sincerely, Matthew and Jeff Norton, Mount Venyan, Illinois.
Well, you know, I think I know what the Norton brothers here are talking about.
Hal, do me a favor.
Run that videotape that we made specifically for this letter, and we'll pretend
it's from
an earlier show, okay?
Sure, yeah.
Okay.
All right.
I should clear that up.
So, Joe Biden announced today that he's giving up plagiarizing other speeches,
but he insists
that he will not, absolutely will not give up his little dog, Checkers.
Paul, am I doing something wrong here, do you think?
I don't know, Dave.
Maybe your mic isn't on.
Oh, I get it.
Apparently, Paul Schaefer has relatives in the audience tonight.
Well, boy, is it hot in here?
Biff, does it seem hot to you?
No more than usual, Dave.
Hal, could we do something about the air conditioning?
Uh, sorry, Dave, uh, what'd you say?
I wasn't listening.
See, this way, when we edit the whole thing together, people at home will think
that that
was really very, very funny, and that I was celebrating my joy by hitting the
thing there.
This is our second actual lull in the show tonight, right?
Huh?
They are getting bigger.
Well, we better keep moving if they're getting bigger.
Oh, my God, the lulls are coming closer and closer together.
Boil some water, Paul.
Uh, letter number four.
Dear Flunky, I am an autograph collector for, from Wilmington, Massachusetts.
I am also a big fan of yours.
I would be deeply honored if you would send me personally a signed 8x10 glossy
of yourself
to add to my collection of great entertainers.
Thanking you very much, Harold Arsenault, Wilmington, Massachusetts.
Well, Harold, we're always glad to honor the requests of a home viewer,
especially when
all it takes is trotting out a guy who's hanging around back anyway.
Folks, please say hello to Flunky, the late-night viewer male clown.
Flunky, come on out here.
Hi, Flunky, how you doing?
Good to have you, buddy.
So, Flunky, how you doing?
Well, uh, not so hot.
You know, my prostate's on the blink again.
Oh.
Gee, I'm awfully sorry to hear that.
Now, we got a very flattering letter about you.
The guy calls you a great entertainer.
Yeah, right.
That's why I'm handing out balloons at a car wash.
Uh-huh.
Well, anyway, uh, anyway, Flunky, uh, did you bring along a photo for the
gentleman
who wrote the letter?
Oh, that's, that's great.
Wait a minute.
This is, this is not you, is it?
Well, no, but, you know, I, I don't get a lot of photo requests, and I, I
figure a clown's
a clown, and, you know, the jerk won't know the difference.
Uh-huh.
Um, so, so who is this?
Well, it's a guy I used to know, uh, Ed Belsky from Detroit.
Uh-huh.
Pardon me, Peepo the Clown.
Peepo the Clown.
Yeah, and he won't mind, you don't think?
Well, no, he's been, uh, dead since 73.
Uh-huh.
That's too bad.
He, uh, had too many one night, and, uh, walked into the wrong cage.
Uh-huh.
Uh, pretty ugly, uh, demise.
So, uh, uh, Flunky, I understand that you're, uh, there's talk about you being
on Saturday
mornings here at NBC.
Well, yeah, they'd have me, uh, introducing the cartoon shows.
Oh.
And, and how would that work, exactly?
Well, if the Smurfs are on, you say, now here's the Smurfs.
And, uh, if, uh, Alvin and the Chipmunks are on, you say,
now here's Alvin and the Chipmunks.
And if the Gummy Bears are on, you say, okay, now here's the, uh, Gummy Bears.
Right.
And, you know, if Kissy Fur's on, you say, here's Kissy Fur.
Yeah, okay.
I, I, Flunky, I think, I think we pretty much understand it.
And, uh, we'll get this letter in the mail.
Oh, that's cute.
You signed it, uh, have a clown-tastic day.
Oh, that's nice.
Clown-tastic.
That's really cute.
Yeah.
Uh, okay, Flunky, listen, thank you, uh, thank you for dropping by.
Have a good weekend, huh?
Yeah, right.
Okay, Flunky.
We'll, uh, be right back here with the stupid human drinks, folks.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.