Name: Mitch Hedberg Has A Theory About Bigfoot | David Letterman
Uploaded: 2025-06-02T15:01:42.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Mitch Hedberg Has A Theory About Bigfoot | David Letterman' from Letterman on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-06-02. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Mitch Hedberg Has A Theory About Bigfoot | David Letterman' from Letterman on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-06-02. Transcript available.

Our next guest is a talent comedian who will be performing in Las Vegas, now
that's a nice city, at the Riviera Comedy Club, the week of February 9th.
Please welcome back to the program, the very funny Mitch Hedberg.
Oh, thank you. I'm so happy to be on this show, man. You don't know. How's
everyone?
Say, I think pizza is irresistible. I really do. I have a hard time avoiding it.
But I think Pizza Hut is the cockiest pizza chain on the planet because they
will accept all competitors' coupons, you know?
That makes me wish I had my own pizza place. Mitch's Pizzeria. This week's
coupon? Unlimited free pizza.
Special? No. Coupon not good at any of the Mitch's Pizza locations.
Free pizza oven with purchase.
Of a small Coke.
Two for Tuesday. Buy one pizza. Get one franchise free.
I was walking by a record store. The sign-off front said they specialized in
hard-to-find records and tapes.
Nothing was alphabetized.
That applause is addicting, man. I got several sisters, two.
And one of them's name is Wendy.
And if you asked Wendy if I was weird, she'd probably say yes.
But she's weird because she has a husband and two children.
And they have a family photo on top of their VCR where they're all looking
slightly to the left.
As though something is going on over there.
The camera is right in front of you.
But I guess something happened to the left that made everybody happy.
I think Bigfoot is blurry.
That's the problem.
It's not the photographer's fault.
Bigfoot is blurry.
And that's extra scary to me.
Because there's a large out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside.
Run, he's fuzzy.
Help!
I'm a photographer.
I like to take pictures, you know.
My favorite pictures are pictures of strangers running away from me.
Or showing expressions of fear.
So I mounted my camera on top of a rifle.
You know, the baseball hat is the only hat that's crossed over into mainstream
society to the point where you can wear it and not have people think you play
on a team.
No other hat is like this.
Like, you cannot walk around with a chef's hat on.
Without having people think you're looking for ingredients.
I used to be a hot tar roofer.
Yeah, I remember that day.
You know when you go to a concert and it's like punk rock music or something?
And the kids get on stage and they jump into the crowd.
It's called stage diving, right?
Some people think that's dangerous.
But not me.
Because humans are made out of 95% water.
So the audience is 5% away from a pool.
Hey.
You guys clap at every other other joke.
And that's very cool because I get used to it.
I'm not into sports very much.
People think I'm into sports because I'm a man.
Like I was at a convenience store and a guy with a quart of milk approached me.
He said, hey, what's the score?
I said, I don't know.
What's the game?
If it's a contest between me and you and the object is to ask the other contestant
questions that befuddle him,
then you're ahead one to nothing.
I used to buy a lot of M&Ms because they're a delicious candy.
But then I switched to aspirin.
I find if you hand your friend 2-aspirin, he doesn't look at you like you're
selfish.
I didn't know if you were going to clap.
I was kind of waiting.
I had an apartment in Los Angeles.
I had a neighbor.
And whenever he would knock on my wall, I knew he wanted me to turn my music
down.
And that made me angry because I like loud music.
So when he knocked on the wall, I'd mess with his head a little.
I'd say, go around.
I cannot open the wall.
I don't know if you got a doorknob on the other side, but over here, there's
nothing.
Thank you very much.
Thank you very much.