Name: Dave's Staff Hosts The Show | David Letterman
Uploaded: 2025-06-20T15:00:28.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Dave's Staff Hosts The Show | David Letterman' from Letterman on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-06-20. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Dave's Staff Hosts The Show | David Letterman' from Letterman on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-06-20. Transcript available.

Dave's Staff Hosts The Show | David Letterman

Now, here's the other thing we're excited about.
We're just, we're going to tonight, we have all of the staff members' temporary
ID cards in a drum.
Bring in the drum, boys.
Here comes the drum.
And we're going to pick a relief host of the show.
And it's very exciting around here today.
People are very nervous.
Some people went to the beauty parlor.
Some people went and had a tan earlier.
Thank you very much.
Excuse me, is your ID card in there?
Yes, it is.
It is in there?
Yes, it is.
All right.
Good luck to you.
Well, now, wait a minute.
Look at that.
That's a pretty skimpy staff.
Anyway, we're going to select, we may even select up to three people to host
the show tonight.
Right, Paul?
Yes, yes, sir.
We're going to select up to three people.
Up to three people.
So, okay, now I'll just, I'll, Anton, how about a drum roll?
And they're going to be like the relief host.
You know, I'll be here if anything goes nuts.
But these people will, for all practical purposes, be your host for the festivities.
Boy, feel the excitement building?
I'm excited.
People are looking at their tickets to see if there's a refund involved.
Okay, here we go.
I'll just select one here to begin the proceedings.
Boy, how about that all-star game, huh, Paul?
Will you pick a card?
What was this?
Let me see that again.
Will you get out of here?
All right, here we go.
The giant drum 040.
Now, do you understand what's going to happen here?
In a split second, I'm going to draw the name of one of our staff members,
and that person will be the host of tonight's program.
Thousands and thousands of letters have been coming in since we first announced
this contest.
All right.
Ladies and gentlemen, well, this guy doesn't work for us.
What the hell is it?
Oh, no, it is.
And not a bad choice.
Ladies and gentlemen, your host for tonight's program,
NBC temporary employee, Mr. Rob Burnett.
There he is, folks.
Mr. Rob Burnett.
Rob, how long have you been with us?
Ten months.
Ten months?
And what do you do for us, Rob?
Tell the folks.
And tell me, too.
I'm a talent assistant.
Talent assistant.
And what does that mean, Rob?
You're right in there with the lifeblood of the program, aren't you?
Yeah.
Yeah.
And what's a typical day like for you?
Talk to the public, hear ideas for the show, assist the talent coordinators,
the segment producer.
In fact, if I'm not mistaken, aren't you responsible for a special portion of
tonight's program?
Yes, I am.
Yeah, you're involved with the singing of the...
Singing, O'Connor, Kirsten, Kirsten.
Have you ever done any television hosting before?
No.
Ever wanted to do any television hosting?
Not really.
All right.
Now, we're going to try this out.
Now, if it doesn't go well, we may go back to the magic drama.
Feel free.
Okay.
But I have a feeling everything's going to be just fine.
Let's go back over to the desk.
Oh, this is what you do first.
Okay.
You introduce our friend, Mr. Paul Schaefer.
Just say...
You know, just say this.
You've heard about him, you've read about him, you've seen him on Color TV.
You've heard about him, you've read about him, you've seen him on Color TV.
Our good friend, Mr. Paul Schaefer.
Paul Schaefer, ladies and gentlemen.
All right, Rob.
Thank you very much, you kids.
You're just fine.
You won't worry about anything.
Thank you so much.
We'll get the...
We need makeup.
Paul, Rob is going to be the host tonight.
Rob, nice to see you.
How was your day today?
Good day, Paul.
Good.
Anything interesting happen to you today?
You got to continue.
Geez, I don't know.
Probably not.
Geez, I don't know.
Oh, no, I know.
You hurt your voice doing your Freddie Mercury impression.
I hurt my voice doing my Freddie Mercury impression.
Okay.
We need makeup for Rob.
Well, here's Peter, the makeup gentleman.
And just to quickly put some makeup on him.
Jeff, come in here.
This is our stage manager, Jeff Samaha.
Show him what he needs to know with time cues and so forth.
We need to show 30 seconds.
30 seconds.
Commercial.
Station break, stretch, speed up.
Okay.
Thank you very much, Peter.
Thank you very much, Jeff.
Over here, what we have...
Oh, there, if you want to blow darts, here's the dart gun.
We have some darts here.
It's loaded up.
Try one.
Go ahead, Rob.
Shoot it right there at the camera.
Yeah.
A little more heat there, Rob.
All right.
And here we have the controls for that.
We have the control for this.
Oh, now this down here.
Show him that, Carl.
See that thing that's labeled Pong?
Oh, go ahead and hit that with your foot.
That's the ball machine.
This one?
Yeah.
Okay.
I'm going to turn that off.
What else do we have to do?
Oh.
Here.
Try a pencil.
Try tossing a pencil over there, Rob.
Just, yeah, just lightly over.
Yeah, just like that.
See, try one again.
You actually missed the window.
Try one more, yeah.
Try one more.
Just a little.
There you go.
Okay.
You all right?
Okay.
Okay, and now we're going to do some comedy at the top of the show.
We're going to do dumb ads.
These are actual advertisements from actual periodicals from around the United
States,
and Paul will have some music.
Ask Paul for the music, Robin.
Paul, can we have some music?
Sure, Rob.
Thank you, Paul.
Dumb ads.
You got to get ready to do it.
These are dumb ads.
You know them as dumb ads.
Hey, Rob, they're dumb ads, yeah.
Go ahead.
This is a nightmare.
What do I do?
Thanks.
Hold them right up there.
This one?
Hold them right up there.
Maybe we can draw for a musical director, too.
All right, I just read the blue card.
Voodoo luck wins big money.
Get together, enjoy your new voodoo friends.
Honey, are you new voodoo friends coming over tonight?
Should I run over to Sloan's for some more chicken blood?
Yeah, yeah.
See, this stuff is so solid, it just sells itself.
Try another one.
All you got to do is read those cards and you're a hit.
The red light means...
No, right over here.
Hold them up to that one.
Okay, there we go.
Do I just go...
Okay.
Yeah, just read it up.
All right.
And relax, because this stuff has been put together by comedy professionals.
Comedy teams.
Okay.
Snug Harbor Motor Lodge, Hyannis, Massachusetts.
Free HBO, free coffee, free children.
A little pause.
So you're home free already?
Absolutely.
Dear, I've told you a hundred times, we got you at a motor lodge.
Yeah.
We got you at one...
That's right.
Now stop asking so many questions.
That's right.
Okay.
I'm in trouble.
Take a breath.
Oh, speed it up.
Okay.
Very good.
Shouldn't you choose the wonder...
Shouldn't you choose the wonder drugs doctors choose?
In a recent survey, 1,000 doctors were asked if you were stranded on a desert
island,
which one medicine would you want along?
Some of them misunderstood the question and said,
Polina Poritzkova.
How much time do that?
Let's find you a real hummer to go out on here.
Give me one that really...
Because we don't want to break your confidence this early in the show.
Okay.
Let's save that one.
That's a little too complex.
No.
No.
We got one down here.
Don't worry.
No.
No.
Be all right.
We'll edit this out.
Oh.
Right here.
Right here?
All right.
This is a big mess.
Okay.
Here we go.
Rob Burnett, ladies and gentlemen.
Thank you.
All right.
This is from the Jewish Ledger in Rochester, New York.
Litman's Kosher Market.
Barney's Beef Puffs.
Barney's Beef Puffs.
Barney's Beef Puffs.
You know, under the right circumstances, I'll bet it does.
Okay.
Thank you.
Thank you so much.
All right.
All right.
Now, tell them who's on the show here, Rob.
And let's get this thing rolling.
Tonight's George Carlin and the President and Founder of the Learning Annex,
Bill Zanker and the lovely Kirsten Ostrom.
That's right.
And Rob Burnett.
And we'll be right back, kid.
Hi, I'm Gary.
Hi, I'm Rob Burnett.
I'm from New Jersey.
I'm 24 years old.
And I'm serving as the relief host for Late Night with David Letterman.
I was chosen from a random drawing and I couldn't be happier.
Yeah.
You know, Rob, before we get George out here, there's one other thing.
Hal, can we test the confetti cannon or not?
Sure.
Is that right?
All right.
It should be that button.
Now, this is a brand new device.
This here?
No, this button right here.
Is everybody ready for this?
Go ahead.
Yes.
Oh, jeez.
Wow.
I got trouble with hair now.
Yeah.
That certainly was a swell idea.
Okay.
It's always a pleasure to welcome my first guest in this program.
He can currently be seen in concert on HBO and he has a new album coming out
next month
called Playing With Your Head.
Please welcome comedian George Carlin.
George, it's nice to see you.
Well, isn't it?
I'm a co-host here tonight.
I'm always late for weddings.
Hey, just ask him the questions there on the sheet.
Thanks, Dan.
I feel like Ed tonight.
Ho, ho, ho, ho, Rob!
Ho, ho, ho, ho!
So, how have you been?
Doing pretty fine.
Just, you know, hanging around New York a little bit.
Glad to be here with the Hoosier Born Late Night Funny Man.
That's, I've been reading a lot of things about your show.
Serious analyses of your show are getting around.
And, of course, you know, they use a lot of shorthand writers, media people.
You're the Hoosier Born Late Night Funny Man.
Paul is, uh, Paul is the sidekick maestro.
Yeah.
Or, if you don't mind, sometimes the diminutive sidekick maestro.
All right.
And I guess I'm kind of a veteran stand-up comic.
Yeah.
If I had let my, oh, bearded, veteran bearded stand-up comic.
I think if I had let my hair long, I'd be the aging hippie comedian.
But they find a way, don't they, to shorthand you.
Sure.
Uh, Howard Hughes was the, uh, billionaire recluse.
Uh, Robert Vescoe was the fugitive financier.
Uh, Martin Luther King, slain civil rights leader.
Andrei Sakharov, the ailing Soviet dissident.
Right.
Uh, Squeaky Fromm is the ex-Manson follower.
Of course, Charles Manson is the convicted mass murderer.
That's a good one to avoid, if you possibly can.
Evel Knievel is the former daredevil.
Pope, uh, John Paul is the much-traveled pontiff.
Mm-hmm.
And, uh, I'm forgetting a few.
Then there are some generic ones.
Mob chieftain, reputed mob figure.
Those are nice to avoid, also.
Yeah.
So I'm just happy to be here, walking around here.
Rob Burnett, I think, is the unluckiest man on the face of the earth.
Or, uh, I think, fledgling co-host.
Yeah.
Very fledgling.
Very fledgling.
So, now, you're also in a movie.
Good transition there.
Not bad, Rob.
Very good.
Very good.
Yes.
Right.
Soon-to-be, uh, soon-to-be film star, I guess.
Um, no, I am.
I-I finally, after all this time, I'm getting my turn.
Uh, I did a movie with, um, Bette Midler and, uh, Shelley Long.
Of course, this won't be out until February.
I'm talking about it now because it's a new experience.
Mm-hmm.
Usually people wait to plug me in.
You've done the movies before, haven't you?
Well, I did Car Wash, but it was kind of a cameo.
And I brought my own wardrobe and wrote my own scene.
That's-that's not like, you know, that's not like being in the movies, is it?
No, that's like a hobbyist movie.
Yeah, that's all it was, a do-it-yourself-quick, one-day, uh, thing.
And then, of course, I did a movie, uh, ten years before that with, uh, Doris
Day, uh,
with Six You Get Egg Roll, another memorable part.
Is that right?
I've tried to do a movie every ten years.
That's been my goal.
But now, uh, actually, the truth is, I was, uh, I was, I felt out of place most
of that
time, uh, in-in the acting situation, and I don't now.
I feel very good.
Yeah.
So this-this movie is called Outrageous Fortune, and-and the main thing I'm-I'm
thrilled about
is that I feel comfortable there, and I want to do more of that.
So, uh, what was Doris Day like?
What-what was Doris Day like?
Like about like that?
Yeah.
Uh, that-that was just-
But what was she really like?
Really?
That was a frightening time for me, because I felt-I felt so out of place.
Brian Keith was in it, too, uh, and, uh, I was just completely, uh, uh, you
know, overpowered
and, uh, out of my-out of my element.
Yeah.
But she was, like I say, I really about like that.
Yeah.
Yeah, you're-y