Name: Viewer Mail: The Hot Dog Steals The Show | David Letterman
Uploaded: 2025-07-04T15:00:14.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Viewer Mail: The Hot Dog Steals The Show | David Letterman' from Letterman on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-07-04. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Viewer Mail: The Hot Dog Steals The Show | David Letterman' from Letterman on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-07-04. Transcript available.

Do you have plans for the weekend, Paul?
Yeah, I'm swinging out to the coast, as a matter of fact.
You're going to California for the weekend?
Yeah.
Well, that's good. I hope you have a nice time.
Thank you. You?
My wife, Noreen, and I and the kids are going up to Kutcher's.
Oh, isn't that nice?
Yeah.
They have those heart-shaped jacuzzis up there?
Yeah, it's very nice, and plenty of food.
We'll just eat ourselves silly.
Lovely.
Who's performing up there on this weekend?
Is the coffee device not working?
It's working?
Well, I turned it on here and nothing happened.
Is anybody back there manning the coffee device?
This, ladies and gentlemen, is an on-demand coffee service,
and this is the last time you'll see it on this program.
But it's the way of the future,
and it takes the worry, the work, out of delivering very much.
Well, every now and then you have to bleed the lines.
We have a little build-up there in the hydraulic system, and just every now and
then.
But this will be, I guess for the holidays, it'll be available for about $18,000
for your home.
Just put the big beverage tank right up there on your roof.
And we have coffee, we have cream, your choice of beverages.
Let's, oh, top ten list.
We have a great show, and we have that very exciting special announcement to
make a little bit later in tonight's telecast.
The category tonight, top ten new CBS slogans.
You know, CBS television at one time was the glittering jewel in the crown of
commercial television.
And here in the last five, six years, they've fallen on hard times, and are not
doing that well.
And this year, they don't even have a slogan.
Is that right?
And the NBC slogan is, what is the NBC slogan, Paul?
We'll be there with you.
No, but a good bluff, Dan.
That was pretty good.
I know, I made it up.
For a second there, I thought, yeah, we'll be there with you.
I made it up.
What is the NBC slogan?
What is the NBC slogan?
Only on NBC.
Only on NBC.
That's it?
Only on NBC.
That's almost like not having a slogan.
So anyway, now, we're trying to help CBS select a slogan.
They're slogan-less this year.
So here are the top ten new slogans for CBS under consideration.
Number ten.
Tonight, Dan Rather might do something goofy.
Number nine.
We're better than cable.
I'm sorry, we're cheaper than cable.
My mistake.
My mistake.
We're cheaper than cable.
Number eight.
We're the number one network alphabetically, except for ABC.
Number seven.
Our high-frequency audio signal keeps your home rodent-free.
Number six.
The network of the 1964 Winter Olympics.
Number five.
Andy Rooney's only on for a minute a week.
Number four.
For a $10 pledge, we'll send you a tote bag.
Number three.
When the other networks run a commercial, why not spend a minute with us?
You people may want to re-examine your lives.
Number two.
Ain't too proud to beg.
And the number one, the new CBS slogan.
Come on, what difference does it make?
We all pretty much show the same crap anyway.
All right.
And just a reminder, tonight at two o'clock, you set your clock back.
Back an hour tonight at two o'clock.
You're lying.
No, no.
The clock goes back an hour at two.
Didn't we...
We did that three weeks ago.
You're Canadian, Paul.
Don't confuse them.
So we lose an hour tonight.
You know what?
We gain an hour tonight.
ABC is starting this weekend.
Their big mini-series.
18 days of a mini-series.
It's Wins of...
Whatever.
Huh?
Wins...
Wins of whatever.
Wins of...
Wins of memories.
Right?
War and remembrance.
And War and Remembrance.
Wins of memories.
Wins of memories.
War and whatever.
And it's 18 nights, right?
It's like longer than the Olympics.
And it's Ally McGraw.
My favorite.
Yeah.
That's it.
That's...
It's a one-woman show, then.
Is it ever.
Let's do our viewer mail.
Actual letters, by the way, from actual viewers.
Let's begin with letter number one.
Dear Dave, is the show called Late Night because it's on late at night?
Or is it on late at night because it's called Late Night?
This comes to us from Blake Thompson, Brittle Twig, Arizona.
Well, let me ask you something, Blake.
Do you write a lot of these letters like this because you're out of work?
Or are you out of work because you write a lot of letters like this?
All right.
I can't begin to tell you how sick I am of this.
Seems like I've spent all night cleaning up.
Is that any way to run a show where the host spends the entire evening doing
this?
Pat Sajak has people to do that for him.
But he doesn't even have a show yet.
He doesn't have a show.
Well, he will in January, by the way.
Well, yeah.
What kind of show could that be, then?
Letter number two.
Dear Dave, while visiting New York City in May, I purchased a late-night sweatshirt
and
a Today Show coffee mug at the NBC store.
Today, a tragedy occurred.
The beloved mug slipped out of my hand while I was filling it with coffee.
And let's see what had happened here.
While I slipped out of my hand while I was filling it with coffee, could you
run down
to the NBC store and get me another mug?
By the way, the sweatshirt has fared much better.
I can't break it.
Your fan, Mary Beth Salagetson, Plymouth, Michigan.
Well, Mary Beth Salagetson, as long as the sweatshirt you got is still okay, I'd
say your problem
is solved.
Right, Paul?
Don't you think that the problem is solved, Paul?
That she doesn't really have a problem, Paul?
Absolutely.
And the best part is, it's dishwasher safe.
That's right, Paul.
Thank you very much.
Thank you very much.
Thank you so much.
Letter number three.
Is that where we are?
Yes.
Dear Dave, on TV, is there anything fake about you?
You know, like your hair, rubber hands, teeth, eyes, et cetera, that kind of
thing?
Gosh, I wish this letter were a little longer.
Just wondering, Kathy Bergen, Worcester, Worcester, puts me in the mind of
winds of memory.
Wins, winds, Worcester.
Just wondering, Kathy Bergen, Worcester, Massachusetts.
Anything fake about me?
Well, I don't know, you know, the Lee Press on nails, but that's...
Other than that, I...
See, Paul, this is exactly what I'm talking about.
Even my fingernails are covered with confetti.
My goodness.
How did you do that?
Well, that's why I screwed up the other letter.
I'm putting on my nails.
Yeah, these are on forever.
Letter number four.
Is it four?
Dear Dave, how many GE executives does it take to screw in a light bulb?
This comes to us inquisitively from Pete Lavinger, New York, New York.
You know, this is a great question, Pete.
And I think what we'll do now is we'll conduct an experiment,
and we'll find out how many general electric executives it does take to screw
in a light bulb.
Hal, do we have that boardroom set that we can show the people?
Yeah, bring it in, folks.
All right, roll it out here.
And I believe in the boardroom set...
Now, let me remind you of something.
These gentlemen are not actors.
They are actual general electric executives.
And we have a light bulb, and we're going to see how...
All right, now, the light bulb has gone out,
and we'll just wait and see how many executives it takes to screw in the new
light bulb.
All right.
So far, they don't seem to be doing much of anything, but...
They seem to be kind of giggling, don't they, man?
Oh, jeez.
All right, we'll come back a little later and see how they're faring.
That's bordering on pathetic, isn't it?
All right.
Letter number five.
Dear Dave, I am writing you from the Navy boot camp in Orlando, Florida.
I was wondering if you or anyone there have any tips on surviving the next
seven weeks.
Thanks, Dave.
Seaman recruit Tom Derry, Orlando, Florida.
Gee, it's a great letter, and I'm happy to hear from you.
Tom, I actually was never in the Navy, and I can't really give you any advice
except, you know, best of luck,
and we'll all be thinking of you.
Thank you very much for writing.
But as far as specific advice, no, I don't have...
You know, Dave, you know, the guys in the band and I, we've done a lot of shows
for American Service.
Right.
And I think I know what Seaman recruit Derry needs.
He needs a little pick-me-up.
A little pick-me-up.
Well, that's great.
So, Tom, for you and all the guys in the Navy who serve us so well, here's a
little inspirational song.
Oh, this is very nice of you.
Anchors away, my boys.
Anchors away, Tom.
Derry, get your gear.
You sail at break of day.
We know you'll serve your ship with skill and pride.
And the whole late-night gang in spirit will be right there by your side.
And the whole late-night gang will stick with you and be right by your side.
That's great.
Thank you, everybody.
Thank you very much.
Watch it.
Careful.
Thank you.
That was great.
Very nice, Paul.
That was very inspirational, very moving, and I think very considerate.
And I hope Tom and all of the other men and women in the United States Navy
enjoyed that.
Explain the hot dog.
I thought that was cute.
What did that really have to do with the Navy, Paul?
The hot dog?
Yeah.
I thought I didn't know anything about the hot dog.
I thought that was your idea.
No, I had nothing to do with the...
I was busy all day up.
Hey, what the hell is going on here?
Oh, my God.
No, I didn't...
Hey, easy, buddy.
Oh, my...
Oh, hot dog.
Oh, hot dog.
Oh, hot dog.
Oh, my God.
Boy, that's just a...
Well...
Well, that's...
Okay.
Well, gee, I'm sorry we had to ruin such a lovely tribute there.
Ladies and gentlemen, we'll do a commercial here and clear up the paperwork.
Howard Stern will be with us when we return.
I hope you will be as well.
Thank you.
Thank you.