Name: The Best of Norm Macdonald, Part 2 | David Letterman
Uploaded: 2025-07-09T15:00:39.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'The Best of Norm Macdonald, Part 2 | David Letterman' from Letterman on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-07-09. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'The Best of Norm Macdonald, Part 2 | David Letterman' from Letterman on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-07-09. Transcript available.

The Best of Norm Macdonald, Part 2 | David Letterman

How you feeling? You all right?
Somebody told me you had the flu or something.
Oh, no, I'm all right. How do you do, by the way?
I'm fine. Fine.
You don't have the flu? You weren't feeling?
I heard that you were a little under the weather.
Had a cold or something?
I was a little bit sick, you know.
I went to the doctor. I was going to the doctor, you know, because I'm worried.
When you're sick, you go to the doctor?
Yeah, or even when I'm not, you know what?
Yeah, that's right.
Even when I'm not, I'm worried. I'm worried.
Maybe today I'll get, like, bowel cancer or something, you know?
Like, I get concerned.
No, I swear, that might sound weird, but there actually is no such thing.
I checked in a medical dictionary.
But I go to this doctor, and he gives me, like, he always gives me these crazy
things.
And so he said, I want to, like, test out your body fat, you know?
Meanwhile, I'm a really skinny guy.
Like, my whole life I've been skinny.
I've been self-conscious about it, you know?
Self-conscious.
Right.
And I always had problems with those words.
I always thought, conscience.
I know. Same thing. It's fine. Don't worry about it.
This is not an elevator with Shriners, so just relax.
So the guy, he says, I said, I don't need no body fat thing, man.
I'm a really skinny guy.
So he puts some of these calipers on me, you know?
Right.
And he tests me out.
Comes back.
Turns out I'm fat as well as skinny.
Seems unlikely, doesn't it?
He explained it to me.
I'm skinny, but also fat.
Like, I'm basically, I'm bones and then fat around the bones.
I have a horrible body.
So the guy tells me, you've got to get to one of them gyms.
Oh, start working out a little bit.
Yeah.
So they go to the gym, and holy lord.
Have you ever been to one of these?
No, I don't know.
They're crazy.
You've got to, like, they've got the weights, you know?
That's the big thing.
The big weight machine, sure.
So you've got to, like, lift the weight.
Ah, it's really heavy.
And then you've got to put it down.
Then afterwards, lift it again right away.
And it's endless.
It's like hundreds of lifting.
And then afterwards, you're just, like, sore,
and you're not big at all.
And I don't want to be big.
I have no use for being big, you know?
I'm just a guy.
I watch some TV.
I eat a fish sandwich, you know?
I don't got to be big, big, you know?
I don't need abs, you know?
What am I going to do with abs?
Got a couple of seconds.
Go ahead, do it.
Let me see it.
Come on, let me see it.
Just a little.
Just a little.
What is that?
Just a little.
You know what I'm talking about.
What would that mean?
Just let me see a little of it.
Come on.
Come on, man.
Come on.
I got to do it with Paul.
All right, do a little with Paul.
Me as myself?
Yeah, you can play me.
All right, I'll play myself.
Oh, God.
Yeah, cool.
Not so easy when I'm sitting right here.
This is a big shot.
There we go.
Okay, here we go.
I'm not ready for this.
I don't know.
I know you're not ready now, no.
You're ready on your little show, but you're not ready here.
You're going to all week to get ready on your little show.
Here we go.
So it's like, who's going to be me?
I don't know.
Oh, Rob Lowe.
Rob Lowe and the Spice Girls.
All right.
Joe Paschal.
Yeah, Paul.
Rob Lowe and the Spice Girls will be on.
Do you enjoy the Spice Girls, Paul?
Spice Girls.
Spice Girls, yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
Well, they'll be on the show.
Yeah.
And, Paul, do you watch the Saturday Night Live show?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
What time is that on now, Paul?
I say, what time would that be on?
It's like, it's 11, it's live.
Yeah, huh?
Yeah.
Woo-hoo-hoo!
Martin McDonald's!
You don't mind if I ask you a question?
What's that?
I hear today, I hear this story, and there's like this press release, you get
your ass fired.
Is that true?
No, you didn't get fired.
Yeah, they fired you.
No, they didn't fire you.
No, I'm serious.
I talked to a guy that said I'm fired.
Fired from your television job?
From on the weekend, you know, I do the news segment.
Yeah, the weekend update.
Yeah, and I do the jokes.
Sometimes, many times, the best part of the show.
Yeah.
But, uh, it's all a matter of opinion.
That's your opinion.
That's my opinion, yeah.
But then the guys that can fire me, that's not their opinion.
Now, why would they fire you?
Well, uh...
Who fired you, first of all?
Let's get some names here.
Let's get this on the record.
Well, I don't know the guys, like, because the guys I work with, like, Lauren
Michaels and stuff.
Did Lauren Michaels fire you?
No, he did.
He didn't fire me.
Right.
He likes me and stuff.
Well, it's his show, isn't it?
I thought it was his show, yeah.
Well, then how can a guy come in from the outside and fire you?
Somebody from ABC fired you?
No, no.
They're NBC.
What happens is, you work on the show, and then there's these guys that hang
out, like, in the halls.
Yeah, we got them here.
We got them here.
And they're called executives, they're NBC executives, right?
And then I'd see them.
I didn't know who the hell they were, what they did, you know?
Now I know what they do.
They fire me from Weekend Update.
But they said that this guy, Don Ohlmeyer, who turns out to be the president...
Yeah.
Now, I know Don Ohlmeyer, and just between you and me, he's an idiot.
So I wouldn't take it seriously.
If this guy fired you, you may still have a job.
You never know.
I'd wait for some paperwork.
No, I phoned him, you know.
Oh, you had to phone in to pick up your messages from...
Oh, man.
Yeah, so I said, hey, you don't know what to say.
You're like, hey, how's it going there?
You know, you're trying to talk about something else.
Did you have a turkey there for the thing or whatever?
I don't know.
And then, so he goes, oh, yeah, I'm firing you there from the show.
And then I said, oh, that's not good.
And then I said, why is that now?
And he goes, oh, you're not, you know, you're not funny.
And then I said, I said, holy Lord, that's even worse news, you know?
He goes, no, I don't got nothing to fall back on.
He's a good man.
He just fired you.
What do you mean he's a good...
What is wrong with you?
You quizling?
Stop that.
I don't know what quizling means, but...
But I mean, to me, like, you know, you have to be philosophical about these
things.
I mean, at first, like, when I found out, you know, I was upset.
But then, you know, I really started to...
I started to think about it, you know, and plus I drank a lot of whiskey.
And then afterwards...
Took the edge off it a little, I'm guessing.
Yeah, I just thought, ah, like that.
But then the next day I sobered up and I remembered, you know, that I still had
some whiskey left.
But now, Norm, far be it for me to tell you how to lead your life or your
career, because Lord knows you've been very, very successful.
But if the guy says to you, we don't want you on the weekend update, and that's
like your signature piece.
You're kind of like the anchorman, not only of that segment, but of the entire
Saturday Night Live show.
If things aren't going great, they give the ball to you.
You're the damn quarterback, Norm.
You're the one who punches it over the goal line for pay dirt.
So now, if Mr. Big Shot Cologne and Cufflinks, Don Ohlmeyer, if he says, we don't
want you on the weekend update, I'd adios.
I'd get in a cab.
Absolutely.
Hit the dirt.
Come on over here to CBS.
We'll get you a nice show.
We'll put you, we'll put you together, a nice show for you.
All right.
You're no quizling.
I never, I've never been called that.
Well, now, will you stay on the, on the rest of the show?
Yeah, I'm going to stay, like, I do.
Also, other than doing an update, I do, like, sketches, but, like, I stink in
those.
So, uh, that.
You know, he thinks I'm funny in those.
Uh-huh, yeah.
Oh, it's just the weekend update, he doesn't think you're funny.
Yeah, he doesn't think I'm funny in weekend update, and, uh, uh, God only knows.
I mean, you know, he, it's just a matter of opinion.
He, he also thinks that, uh, O.J. is innocent, so.
Exactly, exactly.
Don't, don't let this pinhead push you around, for heaven's sakes.
No, he's not a pinhead.
He's a, uh, he's a, he's a, he's a fat guy.
There we go now.
Come on, Norm.
Let's go.
Let's get a little heat on here.
Now, it's funny when you don't like a guy just because he's fat, you know what
I mean?
No, it has nothing to do with him being fat.
No, it doesn't have anything to do with him being fat.
You don't like him because he's a dope.
No.
No, it's just a, you know what I've always said is, uh, I've said, comedy is
subjective.
Mm-hmm.
I never really said that before.
No, I didn't think of anything.
I said, I usually say, whiskey is good.
Yeah, that's right.
But, uh...
But, Norm, you're, you're very, very funny.
You're, you're like the strength of that franchise now.
Well, do you know any guys over there you can give a call to or anything?
Well, yeah, well, they're gonna take a call from me.
You're lucky, you're lucky they took your call so they could fire you.
Are you kidding?
Ah, but they're...
Are you getting some support from the rest of the cast members?
Well, you know, the, the people on the cast, like, they go, uh, you know, when
you work
at a place, you know, some people like you, some people hate you, but, uh...
Oh, yeah, you don't need to tell me that.
So, you know, people come up to you and go, oh, man, I'm sorry, and then, uh,
either they,
they're sorry or they're not sorry.
Yeah, that's right.
So how the hell do you know?
No, you don't really know.
But you can tell.
Well, sometimes you can tell, like, you walk into a room and then everybody
will stop talking,
and then, so you go, hey, were you just talking about how you were glad I got
fired from the
update?
And then you go, no, no, we were talking about, uh, hats.
But now, let me go back to this, and I don't want to embarrass you again, but
if, if Lorne
Michaels, the guy who created the show, the guy who's kept the show in business
all these
years, it's his show, Mr. Big Shot, Mr. Table at Orsos, Lorne Michaels, why
doesn't
he step in?
Why doesn't he throw himself in front of this gorilla to save your job?
What's going on there?
With that?
It sounds to me like he's a quizling.
He is?
Well, that's what it sounds like.
Maybe we can get a dictionary at the break.
But, uh...
But you know what I'm saying?
This is the guy...
Didn't Lorne Michaels hire you?
Yes, he did.
Well, then who ought to be able to fire you?
Lorne Michaels, right?
Right, so where was he?
Did he fire you?
No, he didn't fire you.
But he's like your buddy, right?
Your buddies with Lorne.
Yeah, he's a good man, and he's always...
What did he say to you?
I've been very supportive of him.
Well, I guess not.
What did he say to you?
He said to me, he says to me, he says...
He said, look, Norm, this is the deal.
He said, I want you to stay on as Weekend Update.
Oh, good.
Well, there you go.
Well, great.
So you got the job back.
That's good news.
Congratulations.
What do you got there, Norm?
He looked up Quizling.
Yeah, I looked up Quizling.
Yeah, what does it say?
And also, there's...
Do you know what Quizmaster means?
Yeah.
That'd be like Alex Trebek.
Yeah.
Yeah, I knew that.
No, Quizling is a master of ceremonies on a game show.
There you go.
Now, Quizling is a traitor who serves as the puppet of the enemy occupying his
country.
Exactly.
That's what I'm talking about.
Thank you very much.
Norm MacDonald, you, sir, are no Quizling.
I thought I was dumb when I didn't know what Quizling was.
I think I'm even dumber now because I still don't know what I'm doing.
Now, Norm, a couple of things come to mind here.
This seems so preposterous to me, so unfathomable, so unreasonable that I'm
guessing, oh, it's
like a stunt, like a publicity stunt, like big-time wrestling or something.
Is that that kind of deal?
Where you and Don Olmeyer will have a feud and you'll wrestle on the show or
something
for your job, one of those deals?
No, no, I like Don Olmeyer.
Oh, no, how can you like?
This weasel fired you.
No, but he doesn't think I