Name: CBS: The Tiffany Network | David Letterman
Uploaded: 2025-07-21T15:00:27.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'CBS: The Tiffany Network | David Letterman' from Letterman on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-07-21. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'CBS: The Tiffany Network | David Letterman' from Letterman on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-07-21. Transcript available.

The category of tonight's Top 10 Plus, new CBS slogans.
I don't know if you folks are paying attention to what's been going on, but a
couple of weeks ago, a couple of months ago,
the Fox Television Network announced that they had acquired the rights to NFL
football.
Right.
So no longer will you see the NFL football games on CBS. You'll see them now on
Fox.
Right.
And it was a fixture here at CBS for, I don't know, 80, 90, 100 years?
About 100, 100 years. And was the very reason Paul and I wanted to come and do
our show here at CBS.
See that?
It was because of our love for CBS coverage of NFL football.
So, all right, the football now goes to Fox. God bless them.
And now, like a couple of days ago, Fox announces they're taking about eight of
CBS's stations.
How about that?
These are just little things we can overcome somehow.
All right, here we go.
As a result of these maneuvers, top ten new CBS slogans.
And remember, it's a top ten plus.
Here we go, number ten.
CBS could be sold.
Number nine.
More powerful than the Weather Channel.
Number eight.
You're watching CBS at least for another week or two.
Number seven.
We're number four.
Number six.
Number six.
Hey, we still have a station in Tennessee.
Number five.
If you'll bring your talk show here, we'll sell all our stations.
Number four.
Think of us as CBS Lite.
Number three.
In case anyone cares, we've still got Andy Rooney.
Well, that's good news.
Number two.
You can't spell bumbling executives without CBS.
And now, get ready, ladies and gentlemen.
Here comes your top ten plus.
Woo-hoo!
Woo-hoo!
You know what?
I'm just going to give that to the Fox Network now.
Be my guest.
You folks can have that.
Let's see.
Okay, here's your top ten plus.
Number two.
El Televizion de Crapo.
And the number one new CBS slogan.
CBS, now on Fox.
I just want to mention something.
This is hard for me to believe.
But I think it's the end of this week or the end of next week or whenever it is.
It's the end of the month.
When is the end of the month?
Is that next week?
That's at the end of this week.
Yeah, we will have been on this show, The Late Show with David Letterman and
Paul Schaefer and the band and everybody.
We will have been on CBS for ten years.
Wow, ten years.
Remarkable, isn't it?
Thank you very much.
And it's a...
It's amazing to me that nobody knows we've been on the air for ten years.
Nobody knows we're on the air.
No, nobody knows because the network, which ought to be the source of promotion
and pride on behalf of our show.
Yeah.
Do you ever hear them say, oh, by the way, you know, tune in tonight.
Dave's been on the air for ten years.
Do you ever hear that?
I haven't heard it yet.
No.
No, and you won't hear it.
You won't hear it.
No, because...
Maybe they don't know.
They don't know.
And I'll tell you why they don't know.
They just, they don't care.
No, they don't care.
That's what...
We could have been here a hundred years and they wouldn't have cared.
I just want to do this, and I don't want to get in trouble here, and I'm not
really upset, but I'm going to call the CBS switchboard.
And I'll just see if they know how long we've been on the air.
Interesting.
This would be just like a random way to check this, because maybe I'm being too
sensitive.
Maybe I'm overreacting.
Right.
So we'll just give them a call.
Okay.
It'd be funny if Art answers this one, too.
They're right on that phone, aren't they?
Yes, can I help you?
Yes, this is Bob Johnson.
I'm from Queens.
I was just wondering, you know your CBS shows you have on the air there?
Yes.
I have a question about one of those shows.
What show, sir?
You know the show that comes on after the news?
It's on after the late news.
You know that show?
The David Lightman show?
Yeah, yeah.
My wife and I were just talking about that.
Do you have any idea how long that's been on the air?
Oh.
I know it's been years.
I really, I don't know what year it started.
Yeah.
But if you had to guess, how many?
If I would have to guess?
Yeah.
Maybe 1995?
I really, I'm sorry, I don't remember.
Yeah, well, there's no reason to know, really.
I, um, I, you know, during the blackout?
Yes.
I was stuck on the train for 20 minutes.
Okay, thanks, man.
Nice talking with you.
Okay.
Bye-bye.
Out now.
See what I'm talking about?
Don't be discouraged.
Don't be discouraged.
They would have a thing.
Normally, they would have a big thing right there by the phone.
Oh, by the way, as a reminder, the, the late show, 10 years old.
Today, it's 10 years old.
I know.
Don't be.
No.
They just couldn't care less.
Don't be discouraged by that.
And, and, and then, uh, then on, like, next Monday, they'll buy us, like, some
$18 lunch.
Right.
We'll, we'll have, we'll have soggy rolls and, and, and cold cuts.
That's what they do.
From, from Rupert's.
That's what it is.
Well, at least Rupert, Rupert hopes so.
I have to tell you something here, now, now, bear with me, because this may get
a little complicated.
Let me just start by saying that we work for CBS, Paul and the band and myself
and everybody here.
We, we do the show here at CBS, and in return, they, they compensate us
comfortably, I would say.
Wouldn't you, Paul?
Yeah.
And, and, and sometimes in our relationship with CBS, we've been here how many
years?
It's all 12.
Going on 11, 10 years, something like that?
11 years.
Yeah, 11 years.
And, uh, sometimes things have been great.
Like, when we first came over from NBC, Paul and I used to do this show at NBC.
And then, uh, they fired Paul.
Yeah.
You were stealing something, right?
Whenever I was, I don't want to get into it now.
Okay, forget I brought that up.
Right.
And, and, and, uh, as, as a show of, uh, support and unity, I left when Paul
was fired.
And I'll never forget that.
Thank you.
Well, you've been a dear to me as well.
Thank you.
And so, when, when we came over to CBS, everything was great for about, uh, two,
two and a half, three years.
And, and then suddenly, and I won't bore you with what happened, but things
happened, there were changes, and we went into a long, dark, cold period.
It, it was like the second ice age.
Yeah.
You know, people who used to be here were no longer here.
And then the people that took their places were gone.
You know, they'd go to lunch and never come back.
And we were just left, you know, we didn't know what to think.
And, and, and then now things have been pretty good.
When was the last time I was really upset about CBS?
It's been a long time.
Oh, yeah.
You haven't ranted or anything.
No.
You know, gone into a long rant at the top of the show in a long, long time.
And I, I just, I just want to mention that this is not really a long rant.
This is just by way of information.
Oh, okay.
This is explanatory.
Explanatory.
Yeah.
So, uh, things have been pretty good, uh, with our relationship, I think,
pretty solid
with the network up until last night.
No.
Last night.
Last night.
Now, now here's the other part of the story.
Uh, CBS, you know, have you heard of the People's Choice Awards?
They've, they've been on the air for 30 years.
Yeah.
Oh, I, I've seen, I, we see that.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I've seen.
And, and the, the, the, the reason, uh, people in the entertainment business
like to win
the People's Choice Awards, and they'll tell you right there when they accept
the
Awards, because the people, people, the people vote on the awards.
Yeah.
It's not like some, uh, group of stooges on some kind of a committee or
anything.
Yeah.
It's the actual people.
The people, yeah.
Yeah.
It's a, it's a literal, uh, an analogous popularity contest.
The people vote and you get the award.
People choose.
Well, now, in 30 years that the People's Choice Awards has been in business, we've
never been
nominated, and there's a good reason for that.
The people don't like us.
Don't like us.
The people, the people don't like us.
All right.
Well, guess what?
This year, the People's Choice Awards, which, by the way, last night was on the
CBS Television
Network, right here.
I see.
This, this network you're watching right here, Chucho.
Yeah.
This, this network right here.
Yes.
The People's Choice Award was on.
We, uh, happen to be nominated in the category Best Talk Show.
Oh, that's, we, thank you.
Thank you.
Now, so, we find out about this, like, two months ago.
We get a call, or a guy comes to your house with, guess what?
And it turns out, uh, we were nominated, uh, the, the, uh, almighty and all-powerful
Oprah
Winfrey was nominated.
Yes, of course.
And Jay Leno was nominated.
Jay, our friend Jay Leno.
So, it's the big three.
It's the big show down there.
And so, and so they say, we'll let you know within a week whether you've won.
Now, here's this interesting.
You didn't know this before.
They, they, they only notify the winner because they don't want losers cluttering
up the awards
show.
They, they don't want to rent a hall.
They don't want to go to the trouble of renting a gymnasium or wherever they
hold this thing
and, and, and have it filled with losers.
I see.
So, they'll tell you that you've been nominated and they say, if you don't hear
from us in
a week, you, you didn't win.
Well, we didn't win.
Well, okay, yeah.
We didn't expect to win because, again, the people don't like us.
Oh, I know.
So, now all we know is either Jay Leno won or Oprah Winfrey won.
So, last night on the show, uh, Oprah Winfrey wins.
Uh-huh.
She's very popular.
She's damn good.
And the people love her.
The people love her.
Yeah.
So, okay, now here's, now I come to work today and somebody shows me this deal.
The CBS has a website and on the website, they promote various upcoming CBS
broadcasts.
So, yesterday and all last week on the CBS, on the CBS, on the CBS website.
Yes, website, yes.
They're promoting the People's Choice Awards.
Yes.
Okay.
As well they would.
All right.
Now, here.
I have made, now, a copy, a photo fax copy of what's on the CBS website
yesterday.
Keep in mind that I'm Dave Letterman.
Yeah.
I work here at CBS.
You are, yes.
I was finally nominated for a People's Choice Award.
Very nice.
Okay, now here's what CBS was doing to promote their big show.
On the website.
They're so proud of the People's Choice Awards.
Yeah.
That they promote it on their website.
Sure.
Let's see it.
All right.
Take a look here.
You got a picture there.
There's Bill Cosby.
There's Everybody Loves Raymond.
Yeah.
And then look at there.
There's Jay.
Look at that.
Look at that.
Is he on?
Look at that.
He's not on CBS.
He's not on CBS.
No.
You are.
I'm on CBS.
Yeah.
What's the matter with these people?
That's interesting.
It could, it could, it would, put Oprah.
Put Oprah.
Oprah's the winner.
I would understand that.
Put Oprah on there.
She's on a different time of day entirely.
Now listen.
It's a team.
There is no I in team.
There is.
It's teamwork.
It's all about teamwork.
And we have to pull together as a team.
And if you don't, bad things will happen to your team.
Sometimes I get the feeling our team never even gets off the bus.
So now here's what I want to do.
Because I want to, I want to nip this in the bud.
I don't want this to turn ugly.
I don't want this to fester and get wild and just silly.
Like sometimes things can.
Yeah.
Like the David and Lies of marriage.
You don't want that to happen to this.
Here's what I want.
And listen to me, because I'm not kidding about this.
I want a call from somebody at CBS.
Not a stooge.
I don't want a stooge calling me, okay?
I got, I got, I know plenty of stooges I can talk to on my own.
Sure.
I don't need to get a call from a stooge.
I want like a big deal person, a big deal man or woman, high powered executive
to call
me up.
And here's what I want you to do.
I'm going to say, geez, Dave, oh my God, we're terribly sorry.
Please, for the love of God, forgive us.
And oh, by the way, and I don't want this to really happen, but I want them to
say that
this really happened.
Yes.
But I don't want it to happen.
I want them to say, oh, and by the way, the person who made that mistake has
been fired.
They don't want that to really happen.
But I don't want that to happen.
It would be nice if they said that.
I just want them to say that.
I don't blame you.
Yeah.
That seems fair enough to me.
Yeah.
And if that happens, if you get a call like that, what will you do?
Everything will be fine.
Sure, you'll forget the whole thing.
Okay, that's right.
And it has to happen within 24 hours.
I would say.
If I haven't received this phone call, because I know in the control room,
there's a stooge
sitting in the control room.
You better pick up the phone and call one of your buddies and get them to make
this
call as soon as possible, or this is going to get ugly.
I don't blame you.
Apologize, beg for my forgiveness, and pretend that you fired the person
responsible.
Okay, fine.
All right, I don't, you know, there, there is fair.
Let's see now.
I know.
Look at this, look at that.
Look at this, I'm on CBS.
You saw him right at the same time.
We're on CBS, what do you think?
I'm on both networks, what do you think?
I'm on both networks, what do you think?
I don't know.
You know there's a guy.
Oh, hi, how are you?
Dave Letterman, nice to see you.
Mr. Letterman?
Yeah.
I'm Lloyd Emerson, associate vice president of CBS East Coast Entertainment.
Nice to see you, Lloyd.
How's it going?
It's going swell, sir.
That's great.
What happened to Vinny?
Is he still with us?
No.
Oh, that's too bad.
What can I do for you?
Well, in honor of the late show's 17th anniversary, the network has asked me to
give you this.
Get off me.
Get off me.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
That meant a lot to me.
We love you, Dave.
Okay, I love you too.
Okay, thank you.
Oh, no.
I don't know where, whether everybody's aware of this or not, but yesterday was
the beginning
of the new fall television season.
Are you aware of that?
All of your favorite shows?
Of course.
Yeah.
And it's very important you have, of course, you have the ABC, you have the CBS,
where Paul
and I are, you have the NBC, and you have the, what am I leaving at, Fox, Fox.
Yes, Fox.
And it's so crucially important for the network television fall season to get
off on a good
start, so the networks devote untold amounts of money to generate advertising
for the new
fall shows.
And I was looking through, this is a copy of USA Today, today, as a matter of
fact.
Yes.
Today.
Look at this.
See that?
CBS premiere Tuesday.
Hey.
Here you have your NCIS.
This is, yes, of course.
Followed by The Unit.
That's a new, uh, very strong.
And then Kane, ladies and gentlemen, followed up by Kane at 10 o'clock tonight.
It's just an amazing lineup.
Look at the space, yeah.
And then if you look way down here.
What?
Way, way down there.
Stay tuned for the live stream of David Letterman.
Wow.
Okay.
Hi, how are you?
I'm a little late, sorry.
Oh, that's okay.
I'm CBS Vice President Bob Steckler.
Oh, hi, Bob.
Good to see you.
Welcome to the show.
Clambake, right?
Clambake, that's right.
Good, yeah.
I just wanted to say, on behalf of the network, how excited we are about your
19th anniversary
here at CBS.
Thank you very much.
And it gives me great pleasure to announce that we will definitely do something
to celebrate
your 20th anniversary.
Wow.
Oh, I can hardly wait.
So we'll talk to you next year, Tiger.
Okay.
Tiger.
We'll talk to you next week.
We'll talk to you next week.
We'll talk to you next week.
We'll talk to you next week.
After a long story.
After a long, storied career in broadcasting, Regis Philbin is saying farewell.
With that in mind, a member of the CBS family has a similar announcement he'd
like to make.
So long, old pal.
Here's the thing, I don't care whether it's an oversight or I don't care if it's
intentional.
People seem to forget that I have feelings.
They think I'm just a duck here in a suit.
Just some sort of automatonic, non-carbon-based life form.
Why are you?
What is the matter?
They think I'm just a goon.
Did something happen?
He doesn't care.
Like, oh, he doesn't care.
He's a goon.
No, what makes it?
He's a goon.
Why would he care about anything?
No one said that.
He's not like you and me.
No one thinks that.
You know what he is?
Why?
He's a goon.
No, no, no one thinks that.
Why are you saying that?
I'll tell you exactly why, Paul.
There's a thing going on now.
I don't understand it.
Periodically, you go through this.
Time Warner Cable.
Oh.
And CBS Television Network.
Oh, yeah.
The number network, number one network in the world.
Number one, number one.
In the world.
Number one.
Thank you.
Well, they got themselves locked up in some kind of dispute where a Time Warner
is saying,
you know what, CBS?
We're just not going to put you on our cable operation anymore.
So good luck.
And, you know, go back to people having the antenna on the top of their TV.
Because we're just not going to carry your show.
Now, why does that happen?
I don't know.
There's a dispute.
You know what it is?
It's some kind of dispute.
What's it over?
Well, obviously over money.
Probably a dispute about money.
Money, yeah.
But I know for a fact it's a dispute.
Okay, so it is a dispute.
We have that, at least.
Yeah.
We know that.
So now, Time Warner, to get people agitated, is running this commercial.
They're taking sides.
It's like a campaign.
Right.
It's like a campaign.
It's a campaign.
Yeah, they're mudslinging.
It's dirty.
It's just ugly.
Really?
A dirty mudsling campaign.
Look at what Time Warner is running about the CBS television network not being
on the Time Warner cable system.
Look.
Let's see it.
Yeah, watch.
Time is running out, and Time Warner Cable is not listening.
And that means very soon you will not see your favorite CBS shows.
No Under the Dome.
No Big Brother.
No NCIS.
No Big Bang Theory.
No NFL or PGA Championship or U.S. Open Tennis.
No Judge Judy.
No CBS 2 News.
No 60 Minutes.
Say no to Time Warner Cable.
Call 1-888-TW-CABLE and tell them you want to keep CBS 2.
Wow.
Wow.
Don't worry about Dave's show.
He's a goon.
Dave is just a goon.
He has no feelings.
We're talking about your favorite CBS show.
No, I understand.
No, Judge Judy.
Kill me.
Kill me.
Not Dave.
We're talking about your favorite CBS show.
Dave?
Dave?
Dave?
No.
He's just a goon.
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

CBS: The Tiffany Network | David Letterman

The category of tonight's Top 10 Plus, new CBS slogans.
I don't know if you folks are paying attention to what's been going on, but a
couple of weeks ago, a couple of months ago,
the Fox Television Network announced that they had acquired the rights to NFL
football.
Right.
So no longer will you see the NFL football games on CBS. You'll see them now on
Fox.
Right.
And it was a fixture here at CBS for, I don't know, 80, 90, 100 years?
About 100, 100 years. And was the very reason Paul and I wanted to come and do
our show here at CBS.
See that?
It was because of our love for CBS coverage of NFL football.
So, all right, the football now goes to Fox. God bless them.
And now, like a couple of days ago, Fox announces they're taking about eight of
CBS's stations.
How about that?
These are just little things we can overcome somehow.
All right, here we go.
As a result of these maneuvers, top ten new CBS slogans.
And remember, it's a top ten plus.
Here we go, number ten.
CBS could be sold.
Number nine.
More powerful than the Weather Channel.
Number eight.
You're watching CBS at least for another week or two.
Number seven.
We're number four.
Number six.
Number six.
Hey, we still have a station in Tennessee.
Number five.
If you'll bring your talk show here, we'll sell all our stations.
Number four.
Think of us as CBS Lite.
Number three.
In case anyone cares, we've still got Andy Rooney.
Well, that's good news.
Number two.
You can't spell bumbling executives without CBS.
And now, get ready, ladies and gentlemen.
Here comes your top ten plus.
Woo-hoo!
Woo-hoo!
You know what?
I'm just going to give that to the Fox Network now.
Be my guest.
You folks can have that.
Let's see.
Okay, here's your top ten plus.
Number two.
El Televizion de Crapo.
And the number one new CBS slogan.
CBS, now on Fox.
I just want to mention something.
This is hard for me to believe.
But I think it's the end of this week or the end of next week or whenever it is.
It's the end of the month.
When is the end of the month?
Is that next week?
That's at the end of this week.
Yeah, we will have been on this show, The Late Show with David Letterman and
Paul Schaefer and the band and everybody.
We will have been on CBS for ten years.
Wow, ten years.
Remarkable, isn't it?
Thank you very much.
And it's a...
It's amazing to me that nobody knows we've been on the air for ten years.
Nobody knows we're on the air.
No, nobody knows because the network, which ought to be the source of promotion
and pride on behalf of our show.
Yeah.
Do you ever hear them say, oh, by the way, you know, tune in tonight.
Dave's been on the air for ten years.
Do you ever hear that?
I haven't heard it yet.
No.
No, and you won't hear it.
You won't hear it.
No, because...
Maybe they don't know.
They don't know.
And I'll tell you why they don't know.
They just, they don't care.
No, they don't care.
That's what...
We could have been here a hundred years and they wouldn't have cared.
I just want to do this, and I don't want to get in trouble here, and I'm not
really upset, but I'm going to call the CBS switchboard.
And I'll just see if they know how long we've been on the air.
Interesting.
This would be just like a random way to check this, because maybe I'm being too
sensitive.
Maybe I'm overreacting.
Right.
So we'll just give them a call.
Okay.
It'd be funny if Art answers this one, too.
They're right on that phone, aren't they?
Yes, can I help you?
Yes, this is Bob Johnson.
I'm from Queens.
I was just wondering, you know your CBS shows you have on the air there?
Yes.
I have a question about one of those shows.
What show, sir?
You know the show that comes on after the news?
It's on after the late news.
You know that show?
The David Lightman show?
Yeah, yeah.
My wife and I were just talking about that.
Do you have any idea how long that's been on the air?
Oh.
I know it's been years.
I really, I don't know what year it started.
Yeah.
But if you had to guess, how many?
If I would have to guess?
Yeah.
Maybe 1995?
I really, I'm sorry, I don't remember.
Yeah, well, there's no reason to know, really.
I, um, I, you know, during the blackout?
Yes.
I was stuck on the train for 20 minutes.
Okay, thanks, man.
Nice talking with you.
Okay.
Bye-bye.
Out now.
See what I'm talking about?
Don't be discouraged.
Don't be discouraged.
They would have a thing.
Normally, they would have a big thing right there by the phone.
Oh, by the way, as a reminder, the, the late show, 10 years old.
Today, it's 10 years old.
I know.
Don't be.
No.
They just couldn't care less.
Don't be discouraged by that.
And, and, and then, uh, then on, like, next Monday, they'll buy us, like, some
$18 lunch.
Right.
We'll, we'll have, we'll have soggy rolls and, and, and cold cuts.
That's what they do.
From, from Rupert's.
That's what it is.
Well, at least Rupert, Rupert hopes so.
I have to tell you something here, now, now, bear with me, because this may get
a little complicated.
Let me just start by saying that we work for CBS, Paul and the band and myself
and everybody here.
We, we do the show here at CBS, and in return, they, they compensate us
comfortably, I would say.
Wouldn't you, Paul?
Yeah.
And, and, and sometimes in our relationship with CBS, we've been here how many
years?
It's all 12.
Going on 11, 10 years, something like that?
11 years.
Yeah, 11 years.
And, uh, sometimes things have been great.
Like, when we first came over from NBC, Paul and I used to do this show at NBC.
And then, uh, they fired Paul.
Yeah.
You were stealing something, right?
Whenever I was, I don't want to get into it now.
Okay, forget I brought that up.
Right.
And, and, and, uh, as, as a show of, uh, support and unity, I left when Paul
was fired.
And I'll never forget that.
Thank you.
Well, you've been a dear to me as well.
Thank you.
And so, when, when we came over to CBS, everything was great for about, uh, two,
two and a half, three years.
And, and then suddenly, and I won't bore you with what happened, but things
happened, there were changes, and we went into a long, dark, cold period.
It, it was like the second ice age.
Yeah.
You know, people who used to be here were no longer here.
And then the people that took their places were gone.
You know, they'd go to lunch and never come back.
And we were just left, you know, we didn't know what to think.
And, and, and then now things have been pretty good.
When was the last time I was really upset about CBS?
It's been a long time.
Oh, yeah.
You haven't ranted or anything.
No.
You know, gone into a long rant at the top of the show in a long, long time.
And I, I just, I just want to mention that this is not really a long rant.
This is just by way of information.
Oh, okay.
This is explanatory.
Explanatory.
Yeah.
So, uh, things have been pretty good, uh, with our relationship, I think,
pretty solid
with the network up until last night.
No.
Last night.
Last night.
Now, now here's the other part of the story.
Uh, CBS, you know, have you heard of the People's Choice Awards?
They've, they've been on the air for 30 years.
Yeah.
Oh, I, I've seen, I, we see that.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I've seen.
And, and the, the, the, the reason, uh, people in the entertainment business
like to win
the People's Choice Awards, and they'll tell you right there when they accept
the
Awards, because the people, people, the people vote on the awards.
Yeah.
It's not like some, uh, group of stooges on some kind of a committee or
anything.
Yeah.
It's the actual people.
The people, yeah.
Yeah.
It's a, it's a literal, uh, an analogous popularity contest.
The people vote and you get the award.
People choose.
Well, now, in 30 years that the People's Choice Awards has been in business, we've
never been
nominated, and there's a good reason for that.
The people don't like us.
Don't like us.
The people, the people don't like us.
All right.
Well, guess what?
This year, the People's Choice Awards, which, by the way, last night was on the
CBS Television
Network, right here.
I see.
This, this network you're watching right here, Chucho.
Yeah.
This, this network right here.
Yes.
The People's Choice Award was on.
We, uh, happen to be nominated in the category Best Talk Show.
Oh, that's, we, thank you.
Thank you.
Now, so, we find out about this, like, two months ago.
We get a call, or a guy comes to your house with, guess what?
And it turns out, uh, we were nominated, uh, the, the, uh, almighty and all-powerful
Oprah
Winfrey was nominated.
Yes, of course.
And Jay Leno was nominated.
Jay, our friend Jay Leno.
So, it's the big three.
It's the big show down there.
And so, and so they say, we'll let you know within a week whether you've won.
Now, here's this interesting.
You didn't know this before.
They, they, they only notify the winner because they don't want losers cluttering
up the awards
show.
They, they don't want to rent a hall.
They don't want to go to the trouble of renting a gymnasium or wherever they
hold this thing
and, and, and have it filled with losers.
I see.
So, they'll tell you that you've been nominated and they say, if you don't hear
from us in
a week, you, you didn't win.
Well, we didn't win.
Well, okay, yeah.
We didn't expect to win because, again, the people don't like us.
Oh, I know.
So, now all we know is either Jay Leno won or Oprah Winfrey won.
So, last night on the show, uh, Oprah Winfrey wins.
Uh-huh.
She's very popular.
She's damn good.
And the people love her.
The people love her.
Yeah.
So, okay, now here's, now I come to work today and somebody shows me this deal.
The CBS has a website and on the website, they promote various upcoming CBS
broadcasts.
So, yesterday and all last week on the CBS, on the CBS, on the CBS website.
Yes, website, yes.
They're promoting the People's Choice Awards.
Yes.
Okay.
As well they would.
All right.
Now, here.
I have made, now, a copy, a photo fax copy of what's on the CBS website
yesterday.
Keep in mind that I'm Dave Letterman.
Yeah.
I work here at CBS.
You are, yes.
I was finally nominated for a People's Choice Award.
Very nice.
Okay, now here's what CBS was doing to promote their big show.
On the website.
They're so proud of the People's Choice Awards.
Yeah.
That they promote it on their website.
Sure.
Let's see it.
All right.
Take a look here.
You got a picture there.
There's Bill Cosby.
There's Everybody Loves Raymond.
Yeah.
And then look at there.
There's Jay.
Look at that.
Look at that.
Is he on?
Look at that.
He's not on CBS.
He's not on CBS.
No.
You are.
I'm on CBS.
Yeah.
What's the matter with these people?
That's interesting.
It could, it could, it would, put Oprah.
Put Oprah.
Oprah's the winner.
I would understand that.
Put Oprah on there.
She's on a different time of day entirely.
Now listen.
It's a team.
There is no I in team.
There is.
It's teamwork.
It's all about teamwork.
And we have to pull together as a team.
And if you don't, bad things will happen to your team.
Sometimes I get the feeling our team never even gets off the bus.
So now here's what I want to do.
Because I want to, I want to nip this in the bud.
I don't want this to turn ugly.
I don't want this to fester and get wild and just silly.
Like sometimes things can.
Yeah.
Like the David and Lies of marriage.
You don't want that to happen to this.
Here's what I want.
And listen to me, because I'm not kidding about this.
I want a call from somebody at CBS.
Not a stooge.
I don't want a stooge calling me, okay?
I got, I got, I know plenty of stooges I can talk to on my own.
Sure.
I don't need to get a call from a stooge.
I want like a big deal person, a big deal man or woman, high powered executive
to call
me up.
And here's what I want you to do.
I'm going to say, geez, Dave, oh my God, we're terribly sorry.
Please, for the love of God, forgive us.
And oh, by the way, and I don't want this to really happen, but I want them to
say that
this really happened.
Yes.
But I don't want it to happen.
I want them to say, oh, and by the way, the person who made that mistake has
been fired.
They don't want that to