Name: Jon Stewart Wants To Restore Sanity | David Letterman
Uploaded: 2025-07-22T15:00:21.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Jon Stewart Wants To Restore Sanity | David Letterman' from Letterman on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-07-22. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Jon Stewart Wants To Restore Sanity | David Letterman' from Letterman on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-07-22. Transcript available.

nice to see you nice to see you welcome back to the program thank you very much
for being here
how's how's the family you have a a boy six and a little girl about four is
that right sure yeah
uh yeah my uh my oldest boy is is now six and uh the the little girls is four
and a half and
they're my boy and your boy about the same about the same i'm just about to go
seven here with my
son that's see they get because the inn it's there is he is he they test out
their uh male energy on
you right but they don't know when to use it or why they're using it there my
son is he's just come into
the the phase of he's discovered trash talk hmm trash talk trash talk but he
has no idea of the
appropriateness or what so in the mornings before school after breakfast i say
nate after breakfast
i want you to clear your bowl and i want you to bring it up to the sink take
your plate to yeah
right because that's why i had him help out help out right you don't start
getting a little something
back on your investment the house is a lot of work yeah and uh so we had them
to take care of a lot of
the chores and uh so he has his cereal and he's done with it and he he brings
it up to the kitchen sink
and he turns to me and he goes how you like me now
and i was like wow it seems seems a little aggressive what do you mean how you
i said are you are you you didn't dunk on me you you you brought your you did a
chore you don't trash
talk after you don't like take the garbage out and be like in your face dad
yeah no that's
you're you're doing what i actually wanted you to do
so that's not i said i go he got a little he talked back a little bit so i go
you know you don't don't
get fresh yeah fresh is good vegetables that are fresher tasting oh yeah you
know like so you get that
argument back i'm getting now a little bit of the testing of who really is
running things in terms of
men in the house and and you know if there's a herd of elk and if there is an
old where do you live
where do you live we're downtown i'm riverdale riverdale uh if there's a herd
of elk and they're
being stalked by uh wolves the wolves have a sense which one is the oldest and
which one is sick
and that's the one the wolves go after first i have a feeling my son has sensed
that about me
he knows he can take me down
but you need to get an older more infirm gentleman in your house yes i know chum
you need you need to
get somebody that can be a distraction like he's got one leg that guy's got no
legs uh but there's
no greater fun in the world is there oh it's it's it's just the best uh the two
of them because they
do at first you are their only influence you and and your wife and it's so the
opportunity to ruin
someone from scratch oh man yeah here we go it's it's uh uh when they're young
they believe anything
you know uh you know daddy are there monsters you know not in my room you know
that kind of thing
well let's see that's awful yeah that's horrible i don't know yeah they don't
know yeah but they uh
we're having fun they the language is interesting because they do you know they
they do watch a lot
of television and my daughter now says uh dang it dang it because she picked
that up on nickelodeon
dang it uh so and they pick up these phrases uh hers is dang it now and nate's
is uh what the
he does that
he says he's but he's six he got that from um i think that's from i think that's
from spongebob
you might you might be able to get away with that on your little cable outlet
there but i don't
i'm bringing you a taste of cable babe i'm taking you slumming with me tell me
uh tell me about the
big rally oh my god you know when i heard about this i just thought what a
stupid idea i just thought
well no i thought you're going to be down there and people are going to be all
over you and they're going
to want to lick you and it's just going to be are you really going to it's the
it's the rally to what
is it to bring back the rally to restore sanity but the uh we're not going to
are you going
wow so so you should go yeah they're going to be there but what do you what are
your
responsibilities you're inviting millions and millions of people to your party
good luck
so you're saying we should have planned something no i'm not telling you how to
run your business
we got a whole thing but i'm doing the the rally to restore sanity it's
basically the the idea is
is let's disagree but try not to call each other hitler yeah you know you go to
these rallies
there's always a guy in the back bush is hitler or obama is hitler and it's
just it's offensive
even to hitler i think you know here's here's a guy who worked his whole life
to be hitler
the most evil guy to ever watch and people are throwing around you know obama's
going to raise
the tax rate to 39.6 he's hitler hitler's like he's not me yeah it's not about
taxes
i was a bad guy uh so the point is we ought to be able to disagree and remain
friends and we're not
even remain friends i don't mind shouting as long as it's authentic it's about
just i'm just sick of
hearing about you know you watch the cable news networks and the loudest people
get to control the
debate and the loudest people get to control the government and there's
millions of people at home
who have to mow the lawn who have they have things to do right and this is this
is the rally for
for people who have things to do i want you to come down for that day the
people you do nothing
let me say this i say this to you non-joiners of the world unite
people who have things to do yeah bring them down by the way colbert colbert's
doing a rally keep
fear alive i think it's just a cheap stunt yeah i don't even i don't even think
let's let's run it
down with uh now bill o'reilly you've been on his show uh a few times yeah he's
been on your show he's
been on my show uh and i he's a likable fellow very likable fellow but he doesn't
he does it for
well you know that i believe that's the setup yeah but we know he we know he
doesn't believe
what he says no i believe you know i think he's a fair-minded individual who is
uh uh he is has his
own uh bellicosity about certain issues but in in the river he swims in he is
the most he is the as
they say the thinnest kid at fat camp he is right the sluttiest nun at the convent
and then uh
and that worked i mean he's in crazy village so then you have uh glenn beck who
i it finally i
finally figured out who glenn beck is he's bobby heenan do you remember bobby
heenan bobby heenan
the wrestling manager that's right that's exactly who glenn beck is bobby heenan
bobby heenan yes
he's just looking to make trouble he has no idea what he's talking about he
just wants trouble
i like i i like listening to him i think he's an excellent uh broadcaster he's
fun to watch because
he does that thing it's a stand-up comedian's trick you know how we used to be
on the road to do the same
act night after night right and he'd have to go to the road hell i'm doing it
here
on the road but you do the same thing night after night and you got to make it
seem like
it just came to you so that's the whole trick of his show is this just folks
this i we are
folks listen to me we
if we could just go back to 1979 did you see this was the greatest thing this
is when i realized how
much i love this guy he does a program he's sitting on his chair and he's weeping
and uh
and he shows and he shows the commercial weeping for uh do you remember the old
coke commercial with
mean joe green sure where he says uh have a coke yeah i mean joe green says um
that's okay and the little
boy goes come on take it and me and joe green finally is like all right kid
takes it and then
he throws in the jersey comes back to glenn and the tears why can't we go back
there yeah
politicians won't take you back there and i'm like i think we can't go back
there because it's fictional
yeah i think i think it's a fictional commercial and then i remembered i think
they taped it in 1979
which is when the iranian hostage crisis was so exactly i guess we could go
back there
but why would we want to exactly and that's when i realized he made that
fictional moment he's bobby
heenan come on he's bobby heenan i i like him i want to have him on my program
i want to i want to go
we have invited him numerous times to be on this show he will not come on i
invited myself onto his
program and did not come on well what about this um a woman who's a witch who's
running for a senate in
delaware i think it's an excellent uh i think we could use a witch in congress
somebody a little
twinkle in the nose boom everything's taken care of right yeah i you know i
feel bad for her they've
uncovered videos of her from like 15 years ago from when she appeared on mtv
and lord knows i'm the last
person who would ever you know if anybody ever went back to mtv and what i've
said on there believe
me i'd be precluded from going to the post office so you know i don't i i i
feel badly for her i i
hope she seems nice what a way to put delaware on the map though huh is delaware
actually on the map
okay now here's glenn beck all right this is pretty good there's glenn beck
okay okay oh my god he's
pointing at us there you go oh yeah bobby the brain heenan ladies and gentlemen
come on that's you know
what that's pretty good you know what i've got to do i have got to get me a
color printer because that
just the clarity of fun that you're missing the pixels what about the uh uh mahmoud
amadinejad your
buddy he was in the u.n yeah yeah this is a guy that comes in and says ugly
things about americans
and and then is upset that we don't like him well he i don't he he was
interviewed by charlie rose when
he was at the u.n and they said you know what about america what about
relations with america and he said
well he was explaining why we have bad relations he said you know i sent uh barack
obama congratulations
on his election victory he did not reply and this is a guy who's up at the u.n
like the fist of fire
will burn through america's skull i will i will drink your blood i will rip off
your head you know he's
like look but at least you say hello yeah it's it's the kind of thing the thing
that is so interesting
to me about it is like i can't believe mahmoud aminejad hates jews because he
acts just like one
of us that's something we would do that's like that's something my uncle would
do at a holiday be
like you could say hello pick out a nice car pick out a nice guy i love
watching when the u.n gets
together now this is the time of year because all the countries of the world
get together alpha
and they're not used to being around each other and uh... i don't know if you
saw uh... brock obama's
address to the u_n_ but he was talking about uh... that there are still a lot
of terrible trouble spots
in the world and he's talking about iran and and akhmad dinajad and his threats
to go nuclear and then he
says uh... about the congo and then uh... there is the congo the people's
democratic republic of congo
that still uses mutilation and beheadings as a weapon and at the u_n everybody's
on
the the the thing that translators so nothing lands for about six sexes
so he says
beheadings and mutilation as a weapon and you look right next to the congo's
costa rica
and you look on their faces and they're doing this
and then you see them leaning over they lean over to columbia and they're like
and then you see him leaning over they lean over to columbia and they're like
do you want to switch
switch places and then there's like a five second delay and somebody suddenly
goes
uh on the happier matters hey you were on uh uh was it oprah's uh first show of
the first show i took
i took the entire i carried her entire audience to texas yeah newark i know
i was on uh i was on the first week uh john travolta had done the first show
and he flew them all or is
gonna fly them all to australia and i gave them a book something to read it's a
long flight it's a
long flight really very thoughtful there's a picture of australia in it which
would be nice
i feel like the expectation when you're oprah is that when you meet her like
she will help you
right like even if you don't really need help you think well oprah's here i
must be getting
something nice like it's not well that's right she's absolutely transcendent
she is and she's she's
made it difficult i don't know about for guys like you but certainly for guys
like me because
when these people come to this show the only thing the only thing they go home
with is a bad taste in
their mouth yeah oprah not only sent him to australia they're moving them there
everybody gets a house
they're making them kings the worst thing that you can happen if you run it
over is you get a makeover
the best she could give you your own syndicated show she could make you the
governor she could do
whatever she wants and i really found myself after the show i was so
appreciative she had me on she
talked about the book she came backstage and said you know hey thanks a lot
that was great yeah oh
thank you open for having me on she's like all right well see you later i was
like what yeah wait a
minute where's my past to heaven what yeah what are you gonna tell me now like
look under your chair
it's your high school girlfriend your high school girlfriend apologizes to you
you know that's where my
high school girlfriend would be too the troll huh is that what i want you know
in the beginning uh
oprah frightened me and i'm still uh trepidatious around oprah but she's uh now
what frightened you
because she doesn't seem to be she could squash me like a bug she could she
could put me out of the
business you thought she and she hated me that well that's what it was she didn't
i i i don't i don't
think she hated you i think that in your head it's because of the the as we
refer to it now the incident oh no no no
no no this predates the academy awards oh is that true all predates the academy
or she hated me long
before then so you're you're saying in many respects on your show right now in
front of millions of
people oprah is racist is that what you're saying that she she hated you
because
am i am i am i am i maybe stirring something up that doesn't need to be stirred
up
you may you may be getting a bad translation why don't you switch with colombia
all right
why would she hate you i'll tell you why you're very you're a very
young man here's here's where it happened here's what happened all right uh she
and i uh turned
up she was with stedman i was with my then girlfriend regina we were both at a
restaurant
having lunch on vacation i said to regina this is hilarious i'm gonna make oprah
buy us lunch
so uh i called the way i called the waiter over i called the waiter over yeah
let me be regina okay
oh for yeah that's about it okay all right all right so the waiter the waiter
comes over and uh and he
says i asked for the addition and i said oh uh uh this is a woman right over
there uh has been kind
enough to take care of our check and and he says oh absolutely fine thank you
very much so now as we're
leaving and the waiter and regina and myself are out kind of at the door there
i i waved oprah oh she
waves back now the waiter thinks oh well sure yeah she waves so so then then we
walk we got a free lunch
that's where it started that's where it started thanks thank you where was this
what what is that
do you remember where you were yes i remember where i was how old do you think
i am no no i have no idea
but are you are you at a resort i guess my point is this i i can understand if
you're at a restaurant
and then you wave and leave and then you're off the island but let's say you're
staying at like i don't
know how you vacationed early in your career at a sandals so you're you're at
an all-inclusive resort
sandals where you drink beads and now she's there for the rest of the week yeah
where where could she
find you then at that point or is this a dine and dash no no we didn't run into
one and it's not like
we were on the same cruise oprah and i but you're on the same vacation she was
in a hotel on one side of
the island i had accommodations on the other side of the island and that my
friend is why i'm not going
to australia that can't be right well no it's not right and you thought that
that that's that that
that she carried that with her oh yeah that pissed her off it would look it
would piss me off she's
zach medina not not she holds a grudge not everybody likes horseplay
if that if that is not the title of your autobiography i don't know what not
everybody
dave letterman not everybody not everybody likes horseplay coming out
on on and they'll sell it in walmart well here you go uh speaking of great
titles for books uh
another bestseller right here it's called earth and this is a guide once once
the human species has
been obliterated and the the planet is still cooling off and trying to rebuild
itself uh aliens come
they need some guides some help some tips that's right everything you need to
know if you're an alien
visiting a heretofore you know after the heat death of the universe that's
right everything you need to
know is contained in this one book right here called earth you know what dave
what would you pay for
something like that man i'd this would be invaluable it would be invaluable i'd
i'd if someone were to
order that right a thousand dollars i'd pay a thousand dollars well dave you're
in luck
it is actually a thousand dollars and i would i if you want i'll leave that
here for you
and i'll wave you'll probably somehow end up sticking me with the bill for this
i don't know how
i know that's your game where's the uh price in this you got no price on this
do they not have a
price oh yeah you get a price right there yeah it's a barcode i don't know if
you can you read
barcode is that what you're doing 28 bucks is that what are you the terminator
28 dollars that's not
so but it's 28 but it's a book i'm sure you can get it for 11 like two days
after it comes out
it's a book nobody even have fun down there the big uh march when is what's the
date of the big march
uh the big march is october 30th uh it's a saturday and i'll tell you columbus
day isn't
are you going to get a tremendous columbus day crowd that's what we're hoping
to ride on the back of
columbus on this one it's the reason we're doing it is if we did it on friday
that we're down in dc
that week and we thought friday we'd be tired let's do it saturday then we'll
come home sunday
is halloween and and we don't want people to have to come out so you put some
thought into it that's
good all right always a pleasure my friend thank you very much john stewart
ladies and gentlemen

Jon Stewart Wants To Restore Sanity | David Letterman

nice to see you nice to see you welcome back to the program thank you very much
for being here
how's how's the family you have a a boy six and a little girl about four is
that right sure yeah
uh yeah my uh my oldest boy is is now six and uh the the little girls is four
and a half and
they're my boy and your boy about the same about the same i'm just about to go
seven here with my
son that's see they get because the inn it's there is he is he they test out
their uh male energy on
you right but they don't know when to use it or why they're using it there my
son is he's just come into
the the phase of he's discovered trash talk hmm trash talk trash talk but he
has no idea of the
appropriateness or what so in the mornings before school after breakfast i say
nate after breakfast
i want you to clear your bowl and i want you to bring it up to the sink take
your plate to yeah
right because that's why i had him help out help out right you don't start
getting a little something
back on your investment the house is a lot of work yeah and uh so we had them
to take care of a lot of
the chores and uh so he has his cereal and he's done with it and he he brings
it up to the kitchen sink
and he turns to me and he goes how you like me now
and i was like wow it seems seems a little aggressive what do you mean how you
i said are you are you you didn't dunk on me you you you brought your you did a
chore you don't trash
talk after you don't like take the garbage out and be like in your face dad
yeah no that's
you're you're doing what i actually wanted you to do
so that's not i said i go he got a little he talked back a little bit so i go
you know you don't don't
get fresh yeah fresh is good vegetables that are fresher tasting oh yeah you
know like so you get that
argument back i'm getting now a little bit of the testing of who really is
running things in terms of
men in the house and and you know if there's a herd of elk and if there is an
old where do you live
where do you live we're downtown i'm riverdale riverdale uh if there's a herd
of elk and they're
being stalked by uh wolves the wolves have a sense which one is the oldest and
which one is sick
and that's the one the wolves go after first i have a feeling my son has sensed
that about me
he knows he can take me down
but you need to get an older more infirm gentleman in your house yes i know chum
you need you need to
get somebody that can be a distraction like he's got one leg that guy's got no
legs uh but there's
no greater fun in the world is there oh it's it's it's just the best uh the two
of them because they
do at first you are their only influence you and and your wife and it's so the
opportunity to ruin
someone from scratch oh man yeah here we go it's it's uh uh when they're young
they believe anything
you know uh you know daddy are there monsters you know not in my room you know
that kind of thing
well let's see that's awful yeah that's horrible i don't know yeah they don't
know yeah but they uh
we're having fun they the language is interesting because they do you know they
they do watch a lot
of television and my daughter now says uh dang it dang it because she picked
that up on nickelodeon
dang it uh so and they pick up these phrases uh hers is dang it now and nate's
is uh what the
he does that
he says he's but he's six he got that from um i think that's from i think that's
from spongebob
you might you might be able to get away with that on your little cable outlet
there but i don't
i'm bringing you a taste of cable babe i'm taking you slumming with me tell me
uh tell me about the
big rally oh my god you know when i heard about this i just thought what a
stupid idea i just thought
well no i thought you're going to be down there and people are going to be all
over you and they're going
to want to lick you and it's just going to be are you really going to it's the
it's the rally to what
is it to bring back the rally to restore sanity but the uh we're not going to
are you going
wow so so you should go yeah they're going to be there but what do you what are
your
responsibilities you're inviting millions and millions of people to your party
good luck
so you're saying we should have planned something no i'm not telling you how to
run your business
we got a whole thing but i'm doing the the rally to restore sanity it's
basically the the idea is
is let's disagree but try not to call each other hitler yeah you know you go to
these rallies
there's always a guy in the back bush is hitler or obama is hitler and it's
just it's offensive
even to hitler i think you know here's here's a guy who worked his whole life
to be hitler
the most evil guy to ever watch and people are throwing around you know obama's
going to raise
the tax rate to 39.6 he's hitler hitler's like he's not me yeah it's not about
taxes
i was a bad guy uh so the point is we ought to be able to disagree and remain
friends and we're not
even remain friends i don't mind shouting as long as it's authentic it's about
just i'm just sick of
hearing about you know you watch the cable news networks and the loudest people
get to control the
debate and the loudest people get to control the government and there's
millions of people at home
who have to mow the lawn who have they have things to do right and this is this
is the rally for
for people who have things to do i want you to come down for that day the
people you do nothing
let me say this i say this to you non-joiners of the world unite
people who have things to do yeah bring them down by the way colbert colbert's
doing a rally keep
fear alive i think it's just a cheap stunt yeah i don't even i don't even think
let's let's run it
down with uh now bill o'reilly you've been on his show uh a few times yeah he's
been on your show he's
been on my show uh and i he's a likable fellow very likable fellow but he doesn't
he does it for
well you know that i believe that's the setup yeah but we know he we know he
doesn't believe
what he says no i believe you know i think he's a fair-minded individual who is
uh uh he is has his
own uh bellicosity about certain issues but in in the river he swims in he is
the most he is the as
they say the thinnest kid at fat camp he is right the sluttiest nun at the convent
and then uh
and that worked i mean he's in crazy village so then you have uh glenn beck who
i it finally i
finally figured out who glenn beck is he's bobby heenan do you remember bobby
heenan bobby heenan
the wrestling manager that's right that's exactly who glenn beck is bobby heenan
bobby heenan yes
he's just looking to make trouble he has no idea what he's talking about he
just wants trouble
i like i i like listening to him i think he's an excellent uh broadcaster he's
fun to watch because
he does that thing it's a stand-up comedian's trick you know how we used to be
on the road to do the same
act night after night right and he'd have to go to the road hell i'm doing it
here
on the road but you do the same thing night after night and you got to make it
seem like
it just came to you so that's the whole trick of his show is this just folks
this i we are
folks listen to me we
if we could just go back to 1979 did you see this was the greatest thing this
is when i realized how
much i love this guy he does a program he's sitting on his chair and he's weeping
and uh
and he shows and he shows the commercial weeping for uh do you remember the old
coke commercial with
mean joe green sure where he says uh have a coke yeah i mean joe green says um
that's okay and the little
boy goes come on take it and me and joe green finally is like all right kid
takes it and then
he throws in the jersey comes back to glenn and the tears why can't we go back
there yeah
politicians won't take you back there and i'm like i think we can't go back
there because it's fictional
yeah i think i think it's a fictional commercial and then i remembered i think
they taped it in 1979
which is when the iranian hostage crisis was so exactly i guess we could go
back there
but why would we want to exactly and that's when i realized he made that
fictional moment he's bobby
heenan come on he's bobby heenan i i like him i want to have him on my program
i want to i want to go
we have invited him numerous times to be on this show he will not come on i
invited myself onto his
program and did not come on well what about this um a woman who's a witch who's
running for a senate in
delaware i think it's an excellent uh i think we could use a witch in congress
somebody a little
twinkle in the nose boom everything's taken care of right yeah i you know i
feel bad for her they've
uncovered videos of her from like 15 years ago from when she appeared on mtv
and lord knows i'm the last
person who would ever you know if anybody ever went back to mtv and what i've
said on there believe
me i'd be precluded from going to the post office so you know i don't i i i
feel badly for her i i
hope she seems nice what a way to put delaware on the map though huh is delaware
actually on the map
okay now here's glenn beck all right this is pretty good there's glenn beck
okay okay oh my god he's
pointing at us there you go oh yeah bobby the brain heenan ladies and gentlemen
come on that's you know
what that's pretty good you know what i've got to do i have got to get me a
color printer because that
just the clarity of fun that you're missing the pixels what about the uh uh mahmoud
amadinejad your
buddy he was in the u.n yeah yeah this is a guy that comes in and says ugly
things about americans
and and then is upset that we don't like him well he i don't he he was
interviewed by charlie rose when
he was at the u.n and they said you know what about america what about
relations with america and he said
well he was explaining why we have bad relations he said you know i sent uh barack
obama congratulations
on his election victory he did not reply and this is a guy who's up at the u.n
like the fist of fire
will burn through america's skull i will i will drink your blood i will rip off
your head you know he's
like look but at least you say hello yeah it's it's the kind of thing the thing
that is so interesting
to me about it is like i can't believe mahmoud aminejad hates jews because he
acts just like one
of us that's something we would do that's like that's something my uncle would
do at a holiday be
like you could say hello pick out a nice car pick out a nice guy i love
watching when the u.n gets
together now this is the time of year because all the countries of the world
get together alpha
and they're not used to being around each other and uh... i don't know if you
saw uh... brock obama's
address to the u_n_ but he was talking about uh... that there are still a lot
of terrible trouble spots
in the world and he's talking about iran and and akhmad dinajad and his threats
to go nuclear and then he
says uh... about the congo and then uh... there is the congo the people's
democratic republic of congo
that still uses mutilation and beheadings as a weapon and at the u_n everybody's
on
the the the thing that translators so nothing lands for about six sexes
so he says
beheadings and mutilation as a weapon and you look right next to the congo's
costa rica
and you look on their faces and they're doing this
and then you see them leaning over they lean over to columbia and they're like
and then you see him leaning over they lean over to columbia and they're like
do you want to switch
switch places and then there's like a five second delay and somebody suddenly
goes
uh on the happier matters hey you were on uh uh was it oprah's uh first show of
the first show i took
i took the entire i carried her entire audience to texas yeah newark i know
i was on uh i was on the first week uh john travolta had done the first show
and he flew them all or is
gonna fly them all to australia and i gave them a book something to read it's a
long flight it's a
long flight really very thoughtful there's a picture of australia in it which
would be nic