Name: The Best Of Gwyneth Paltrow | David Letterman
Uploaded: 2025-07-28T15:00:40.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'The Best Of Gwyneth Paltrow | David Letterman' from Letterman on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-07-28. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'The Best Of Gwyneth Paltrow | David Letterman' from Letterman on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-07-28. Transcript available.

The Best Of Gwyneth Paltrow | David Letterman

Were your parents strict with you or not?
What kind of a kid were you?
Did you get in trouble a lot?
I did.
As a teenager, I kind of...
Have you ever been arrested?
No.
Really?
You have, haven't you?
No.
What do you mean I have?
No.
I've never been arrested.
Yes, we know you with those speeding tickets.
Yes, I've had some speeding tickets, but I've never been incarcerated.
It's never this.
I take it back.
You haven't seen me on an episode of Cops.
All right, TV boy, get out of the car with your hands up.
Come on, let's go.
Spread them.
No, that hasn't happened.
But you got into some mischief yourself?
Certainly.
What kind of things?
Well, you know, I would sneak out of the house a lot.
How old were you when this was going on?
Probably about 16.
16, right.
But I would leave a note for them on my bed.
Mom and Dad, yeah.
I would say, Mom and Dad, I snuck out.
I'm not kidnapped.
I'm at this bar, and you can punish me when I get home.
Wow.
Yeah.
And that was okay with Mom and Dad, that they're a 16-year-old daughter.
Well, I guess it is better than being kidnapped, isn't it?
I never got caught.
No, that was the thing.
And they thought this was all right for you to be doing?
No, certainly not.
Yeah.
But they never knew.
I would sneak down the stairs of our townhouse with the golden retrievers on
either side of me,
so they would think the noise was them.
I see.
And then you and the dogs would go out and get drunk.
That's right.
Yeah, that's good.
And the dogs go out hunting.
Me and the dogs, I've taken the dogs out for a hunt, Mom and Dad.
We're going after quail.
We'll go back in a couple of years.
Now, tell me about your boyfriend, Brad Pitt.
What's the deal going there?
How is that?
What kind of a guy is he?
Is he a nice guy?
He's the best guy.
How did you guys meet?
Was this on the film?
We met?
Well, we've met a couple of times before, actually, just sort of around.
But we really met and started going out on 7.
Yeah.
And he's the sexiest man alive, you know.
Really?
Yeah.
People magazine, the sexiest man alive, Brad Pitt.
No, no.
Sexiest man alive.
No, no.
Barney Bowles is the sexiest man alive.
Oh, there we go.
I have a lot of butt.
I have a lot of butt there.
I have a lot of things to talk to you about.
First of all, congratulations, you stopped smoking.
I have.
The Evil Addiction, you gave it up.
I did.
I did.
I'm actually really, I'm quite proud of myself, I have to say.
Because it was really, really hard.
It's very, very difficult.
I know.
When did you start smoking?
I started smoking, actually, I was 15 years old.
There you go, kids.
Did you hear that?
No, don't.
Don't.
I was 15, and I went on exchange to Spain to live with the family.
Well, there you go.
Say no more.
The debauchery begins.
15, Spain.
Oh, sure.
Passing the cigarettes around to the kids.
Exactly.
Hey, Pedro, what do you say?
But that's how it happens for a lot of kids in high school.
That's right.
One version or another.
And have you smoked continually since?
I had smoked for 10 years.
Oh, it's so bad.
It's just nasty.
How many packs a day?
I smoked between a pack and a pack and a half.
What were you smoking?
Camelites.
Oh, Camelites.
Yes.
See, in my day when I was smoking.
No, no.
You've got to quit.
Yeah, people are plotting their favorite brand of cigarette.
Does the Surgeon General ring a bell with you people?
Yeah, it's tough to give up.
And did you have like the patch?
Were you hypnotized?
No, I just sort of made a decision that I'm stronger than this, you know.
Yeah, yeah.
Horrible.
Thank you.
It's hard, though.
It is hard.
But I've got to tell you, really the worst thing about it is I used to love to
smoke.
I just absolutely loved it.
And I hated when people complained.
And now I'm like a nightmare.
I've become a militant anti-smoker.
And my friends hate me.
I'm like a nightmare to go out to dinner with.
And, you know, because I figure if I can do it, then anybody can do it.
So I just think like, oh, you're so weak.
Give it up.
When I smoked, and I used to smoke, I was a powerful smoker.
I would just, I just, as many butts as I could get, like three packs a day, you
know,
at least that I would buy.
And then any, you know, whatever I could find.
But the first thing that I notice, one, your food within a couple of weeks
tastes amazingly better, doesn't it?
You just notice, oh, man, this is good.
I know.
And it's always something really bland, too, that sort of catches you by
surprise, you know.
Yep, yep.
And then the other thing is your house starts to smell.
You realize, oh, my God, that's how I smelled all the time.
Because it really is a, well, I don't need to tell you.
But congratulations.
Thank you.
Did you quit cigars, too?
Well, you know, I started smoking cigars.
Oh, I think.
Thank you.
Yes.
Oh.
By the way, you'll be in the lawsuit.
I gave up cigars, and that, and I want to tell you something.
I've said it before.
That was the worst thing I've ever done.
Those boys are tasty.
The category, once again, top ten ways to mispronounce Gwyneth Paltrow.
Here we go.
Number ten.
Gwen El Nino.
Yeah.
Number nine.
Kenneth Startrow.
Number eight.
Number eight.
Leonardo Di Paltrio.
Number seven.
Scott Baio.
Yeah.
Number six.
The Gwyneth Book of World Paltros.
Number five.
Number five.
Gwena, Warrior Princess.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Number four.
Mrs. David Letterman.
You'd be laughing out of the other side of your face then, wouldn't you, pal,
huh?
In your dreams.
You think you've got stomach troubles now?
In your dreams.
In your dreams.
Ah.
Number three.
Winning free throw.
Oh.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Number two.
Gwyneth Paltrow.
And the number one way to mispronounce Gwyneth Paltrow.
Punky Brewster.
So anyway, your Thanksgiving.
So my Thanksgiving.
Yeah, I actually went out and my family, we spent it with the Spielbergs out in
Long Island.
No.
Steven Spielberg?
Steven Spielberg.
Wow.
He's a genius.
He is a genius.
And, uh, we...
You know what else, Steven Spielberg?
He has that Midas touch.
He is the Al Cordova of motion pictures.
I'm telling you, that guy is a luggage bandit.
He just, he's a luggage selling machine, that guy.
So you go out to the, uh...
I was all excited, you know, because I went out there and I was excited to rest
and have
some good quality family time.
And Steven always screens really good movies.
And, but I was sick.
I was in bed the whole time.
Wow, now that must make you feel, uh, awkward being the guest of somebody and
you're in bed
sick all, all of the time.
Yeah, it makes you feel like a big loser.
Well, I'm sorry to hear that.
Thanks.
Steven Spielberg put you in, uh, was it your first movie?
Yeah, Hook.
You played, uh, Wendy in Hook.
Right.
Wow.
In 1991, I had like two or three lines.
Yeah, yeah.
And, and what is he like, uh, around the house?
He's just a regular, uh, guy?
He's just a regular guy in every way, except that he has a video camera in his
hand at all
times.
Oh, so he, he, oh, well, that's nice.
He invites his friends out there and surreptitiously, he's making films that,
and they'll, he'll probably
get you to sign something when you're not feeling well.
And then the next thing you know, he's got like a $40 billion mega, oh, that
stinks.
Speaking of, of love, how, how are things in your personal life?
And of course, as always, you don't have to answer.
You're not under oath, but all right, all right, let's just start with a big
question, are you married?
I am, you didn't hear?
You're not married, are you married?
No, I'm unmarried.
Have you ever been married?
No.
Mm-hmm.
I'm not planning on getting married.
You are planning on getting married?
Well, no, not, not now.
I mean, hopefully one day.
You would like you at some point in your life to be married?
Yeah, if I can land a husband.
Geez, I don't know, a cute gal like you should have plenty of luck.
Um, uh, but are you, are you, uh, you're dating somebody now?
Mmm, next.
What do you mean?
Would you rather not talk about it?
Is it a security problem?
Because it, I, I don't want to intrude.
I don't want to, you know, if it's...
Are you dating anyone?
Well, it's not, it's not, it's in the middle of kind of a long-standing
relationship with
the same woman.
Oh.
So that's not really a dating, is it?
Oh, no.
What do you call that?
Oh, God, I don't know.
I don't want to talk about it.
I don't want to talk about it.
I don't want to talk about it.
I don't want to talk about it.
I don't want to talk about it.
I don't want to talk about it.
I don't want to talk about it.
I don't want to talk about it.
I don't want to talk about it.
I don't want to talk about it.
I don't want to talk about it.
That's awful.
That's me, you know, because now I understand why you don't want to chat about
it, because
now it'll be trouble for me at home.
Exactly.
It'll be a long night at the house.
But everything's fine.
I'm a very happy girl.
Everything's good.
I work all the time.
I don't have time for anything else, really, right now.
So you don't go out with the guys at all?
You haven't, you don't date, you never, I mean...
Occasionally.
Occasionally.
But, you know, right now I'm really in a working phase.
Working a lot on films and stuff?
Working a lot on films.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I just finished a movie with my ex-boyfriend, Ben Affleck.
Oh, now see, there, now there, that's what I was looking for, that kind of
thing.
I thought I'd throw you a little bone.
That's, that's a...
Well, I'm not sure he'd be flattered by that characterization.
I took some time off last year and I had to go to a wedding in Ireland.
One of my best friends from Spence, Carrie, got married.
And so, of course, I brought my brother because I'm...
Your brother?
Right.
What's his name?
Jake.
Jake?
Jake Paltrow.
Well, what does Jake do?
Is he older or younger?
He's a writer.
He's three years younger.
A writer and a director.
So, he's just a kid then, isn't he?
He's 25.
Yeah.
He's an excellent guy.
You're only 28?
I'm 28.
I just turned 28.
Oh, my.
You just turned 28.
Yeah.
You've been a movie star a long time.
That's just a lovely career you're having, isn't it?
Yeah, it's not bad.
I feel very lucky.
So, you and Jake go to Ireland and go to Spain.
So, we went to Ireland, right.
And then I was a bridesmaid in the wedding and I brought my brother because...
Did you have a little...
They would give you a suit to wear, the bridesmaid?
I got a Vera Wang beautiful lavender dress.
Wow.
Right.
Now, do you get to keep that?
Yeah, I did get to keep that.
Who pays for those?
Do you have to pay for it or does it...
Actually, Carrie bought us the dresses.
Well, that's nice.
Very generous.
I know.
Okay.
So, after the wedding, my brother and I went to Spain and we drove around
because we
wanted to...
Well, I used to sort of live in Spain and we wanted to see the Frank Geary
building
in Bilbao, which was amazing.
Have you gone there yet?
The art museum?
No, I've not been there.
You have to go.
I've not been invited to that either.
You've got to make your own plans.
It's odd looking, isn't it?
It looks like it just might kind of fall in on itself.
It's true, but it's extraordinary.
Inside, it's...
And how does it look in the surrounding, in the environs?
Does it just sort of stick out like a modernistic art museum or does it fit in?
It does.
It does.
Well, it's juxtaposed very nicely with the kind of, you know, very interesting
industrial city.
It's kind of, you know, it's very interesting.
It's a great experience.
Se habla espanol?
Sí, más o menos.
Oh, see, I don't speak any Spanish.
No, nada.
Qué pena.
Tony, speak.
Is this a language you've known for a long time or just picked it up for the
trip?
No, I went when I was 15 and I started to learn that.
So you studied there and said, oh, that's great.
I did.
Tony, try it out here.
This is Tony Mendez.
He speaks the Spanish affluently.
Tony, say it.
It's Gwyneth Paltrow.
I'm happy.
How are you?
Well, it's very good.
A little cold, but...
But good.
And you, how are you?
How do you think?
But what do you think you want?
Because you don't have to go with me.
He ain't 