Name: John Cleese: "This Is The Stupidest Show" | David Letterman
Uploaded: 2025-08-22T15:01:14.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'John Cleese: "This Is The Stupidest Show" | David Letterman' from Letterman on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-08-22. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'John Cleese: "This Is The Stupidest Show" | David Letterman' from Letterman on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-08-22. Transcript available.

David, I said it before, and I'll say it again, this is the stupidest show I've
ever done.
Another five years, you should get a Nobel Prize for this. It's magnificent.
That's darn decent of you to say. How you been?
I've been good. I've been good.
Were you in town for the 4th of July?
When was that?
Let's see, we celebrated it Monday.
Monday? Monday.
Oh, that's what it was. I thought there was a lot of gunplay, you know, for New
York on a Monday night.
Yeah, yeah. Even for New York, a lot of guests.
Even for New York, yeah.
Now, that holiday, I guess, means nothing to you, does it?
No, we don't celebrate Independence Day, no.
Mind you, we celebrate the day before.
Yeah.
We celebrate Dependence Day.
I see.
Yeah, we have these models of Thomas Jefferson and John Hancock, you know, in
effigy, and we jeer them.
We say, isn't it about time you came a little bit more independent? That kind
of thing.
I see.
Do you, do, uh, uh, are there actually people living over there who, who, uh,
from generation to generation have had a grudge passed down to them and are
still walking around holding it against the, uh, Americans for...
Oh, I think so.
Really?
Yes, not as much as against the French, who are our natural enemies, you know,
we've been fighting them for a thousand years.
Yeah.
The two events of the, this century being mere aberration in this pattern.
Yeah.
No, we hate the French, basically.
And, um, if we have to fight anyone, I'd, I'd say, let's fight the French.
All right, good.
Let's do it.
Uh...
Let's do it.
What, what, uh, what other holidays are there in, uh, in Great Britain that we
wouldn't have here?
That you don't have here?
Yeah.
Uh, we have, uh, National Apology Day, when, uh, everyone apologizes to
everyone that they haven't apologized to in the, uh, previous 12 months.
Or anyone that they haven't apologized to sufficiently in the previous 12
months.
What day is that?
Uh, that is August the 74th.
74th of August.
Yes, because we're still on the old calendar.
I see.
As you know, we've, uh, and then, uh, we have another holiday.
I don't know if you have this holiday in, in, uh, in America, but we have a
very special day.
It's called Summer.
It's, it's one day.
It's the one day.
Uh-huh.
And, uh, people go out and sunbathe, even if there's snow on the ground.
I see.
You know, we really enjoy it.
And so summer is a one day holiday.
It's just the one day.
Oh, that's interesting.
It's usually on the, uh, on the day that they play the Wimbledon, um, men's
final.
I see.
Yes.
Um, anything else?
Any, um...
Well, you know we're great animal lovers.
Sure.
I mean, I don't know.
I think we take it even...
I mean, it's because of the English, you're very embarrassed all the time, as
you know, and don't really want to be about, uh, around people.
Is that true?
Oh, yes.
Oh, yes.
Yes.
And what does that...
They much prefer animals.
Well, what does that come from?
Embarrassment.
Yeah, I know, but, but where, how does it become ingrained in these people?
Um, embarrassment.
Well, when you grow up as a baby, everyone around you is very embarrassed the
whole time.
You know, saying, sorry, sorry.
Sorry, excuse me, I'm being embarrassed, but I'm very sorry about it.
And it simply, it gets conditioned at a very early stage.
Reinforced, sure.
Yeah, and if the English want something, like a piece of toast, I wouldn't say,
uh, may I have a piece of toast?
Right.
I would say, um, sorry.
I would say, sorry, and then I would say, I wouldn't say, please pass me the
toast, I would say, I wonder if I could be so very bold as to, uh, uh, suggest
that you might be so good as to consider the possibility that you might, in due
course, possibly, uh, see your way clear to, uh, being so very good as to pass
me a slice of toast.
I see, yeah.
Could I, in fact, have a slice of toast?
Sure.
Thank you.
This is, this is not, uh, toasty warm.
Oh, that's very good.
Do you have anything to, uh, the cigar would be good.
No, fine.
Very good.
Then, well, what other holidays do we, oh, yes, because we love animals so much,
and it's become an absolute obsession in this country, um, being so nice to
animals, that most people felt that the whole thing has gone far too, far too
far in the wrong direction.
So, one day of the year, we actually have, uh, a national day for being cruel
to animals.
A, a day where you, you're actually, cruelty to animals is encouraged.
It's not, it's not, uh, it's not encouraged, uh, I mean, some people, uh, crucify
gerbils, which I think is taking it far too far.
On the whole, it's just sort of giving exploding cuttlefish to parrots and, uh.
Exploding cuttlefish.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And pruning hedgehogs.
I see.
How is that?
Very good.
Oh, good.
By the way, that's included in your room.
I hope you enjoyed that.
We, we have to do, uh, station identification.
We'll be back here with John Cleese.
Uh, John Cleese is with us, and, uh, this half hour, comedian Alan Havy will be
joining us tomorrow.
Jay Leno, singer KD Lang, and art teacher Connie Gordon.
All right!
Art teacher Connie Gordon will be here.
That's tomorrow night.
Now, you, you were, you were jesting, I'm guessing, about the, the pets.
I can't imagine you really encouraging people to be nasty to pets.
No.
No, no, um, my uncle had a sloth, which he liked, because he was so obedient.
Oh.
Yes, he used to say, stay, and it would stay for months.
Well, that's good.
Yeah, and his aunt eventually bred them, because she wanted to introduce sloth
racing.
Uh-huh.
That was for people who found cricket too excited.
Yeah.
Doesn't it sometimes take days to finish a cricket, uh, what do they call them?
They're not-
Yes, you're quite right.
Well, what do they call them?
They're not matches.
Are they matches?
Yes.
You won't believe this, and I was-
What is a test match?
A test match is a game that we play against one of the other countries, like
Australia,
New Zealand, Pakistan, and these West Indies are the best team.
And these matches, you won't believe this, they go on for five days, and then
at the end
of the five days, they're very often a tie.
Now, do people turn out for these events, or-
In their thousands.
Is that right?
Yeah.
That's for real.
It's a very weird game, and I know that Americans can't really understand it,
because
as, um, I used to know the England captain, and he said it's the only game that's
ever
been invented where the adrenaline cannot run the whole time, which is an understatement.
I don't think so, yeah, yeah.
But it's more a kind of cultural phenomenon than a game.
But is it still thriving and flourishing?
Are the youth of Great Britain eager to grow up to be cricket stars?
That's right, and then after a time, a few years ago, they decided that people
were beginning
to lose interest in these five-day games, so they now pack all the action into
these special
one-day games.
Ah, shortened down to about 12 hours.
Yes, that's right.
Uh, let's talk about the movie, Uh, A Fish Called Wanda.
Yeah.
Speaking of fish.
Speaking of fish.
Yeah.
What is, uh, tell us about this.
Well, um, it depends.
You see, I think it's about this dashing, sexy, um, very attractive, rather suave
English
barrister who finishes up with $20 million and Jamie Lee Curtis.
But Jamie thinks it's about this very, uh, brilliant girl who has four men in
love with
mother who finishes up the money, and Kevin Klein thinks it's about this fish-eating
Buddhist
psychopathic ex-CIA operative who gets run over by a steamroller.
Uh, Michael Palin thinks it's about this, uh, animal rights activist and hit
man who finishes
up killing a grandmother, has a bad stutter.
But, um, well, it's actually, it's about lust, greed, murder, revenge, and
seafood.
So it sounds like a hit there.
Well, there's a lot of fish in it.
We claim that there's more fish in this movie than any recent movie, including
Jaws.
Is that right?
Well, that's, uh, my number, obviously, not my weight.
Yeah.
Well, I, I would think that that alone would be worth the price of the ticket.
I hope so.
Yeah.
Uh, and there's something about, you have a genuine, perhaps maybe, uh, not
even a healthy
interest in, in fish, don't you?
Well, I, I feel that fish are underrated.
And the purpose of this film is to put fish on, on the map.
Because, I mean, they're great, they're great pets.
I mean, for a start, they never wake you up by barking or anything like that.
You always know exactly where they are, right?
You never say, uh, the fish has escaped.
Did somebody leave the back door up?
You don't have to give them shots.
You don't have to brush them.
Right.
If you forget to feed them, they just eat each other.
And the great thing is, the, very rarely get run over by a car.
Absolutely.
Yeah.
And they don't drown.
Yeah.
And the, the other, the other thing is that they can breathe underwater.
Now, you see, everybody says, okay, so fish can breathe.
What's it?
I mean, do you know anyone who can breathe underwater?
If I could, if I could breathe underwater, David, I would never stop talking
about it.
But I mean, they're very smart.
No, seriously.
I mean, Albert Einstein couldn't breathe underwater.
And the Buddha, who had extraordinary control over all his physiological
processes, he couldn't breathe underwater.
And even our Lord, who could walk on it, couldn't inhale it.
You're right.
You're right.
They may be very underrated.
They are underrated.
It's, uh...
What, what does that noise mean when they go, whoop?
That, uh, that, uh, grateful appreciation on their part.
They are happy.
Yeah, especially since they paid nothing to get in.
It's A Fish Called Wanda, yourself, Jamie Lee Curtis, Kevin Kline, and Michael
Palin.
Michael Palin.
Yeah, so this is a great cast.
I hope this is a huge hit for you, and it opens soon.
When does it open?
It opens here in New York on the 15th.
Good, we'll look forward to that.
Always a pleasure to see you, John.
Nice to see you.
Thank you very much for being here.
John, please, ladies and gentlemen.
We'll do a promotion and be right back.
Thank you.