Name: Dave Takes Over Chicago | David Letterman
Uploaded: 2025-08-25T15:01:23.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Dave Takes Over Chicago | David Letterman' from Letterman on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-08-25. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Dave Takes Over Chicago | David Letterman' from Letterman on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-08-25. Transcript available.

Dave Takes Over Chicago | David Letterman

From Chicago, the nation's only city with a mayor you can call Junior, it's
Late Night
with David Letterman. Tonight, Cannon Teller, an all-star Chicago blues number
with Mavis Staples
and the Staples Singers, Academy Award-winning comedian Stephen Wright, and 50-year
NBC employee
Laura Skidmore, plus Paul Schaefer and the world's most dangerous band with
special musical guests.
And now, ladies and gentlemen, Larry Bonnard Melman!
Thank you so much, and a lovely good evening.
Before we begin tonight's show, I have an announcement.
The owner of a blue Toyota Wisconsin plate number NPL583, your car is on fire!
And now, ladies and gentlemen, David Letterman!
We'll be right back.
We'll be right back.
We'll be right back.
We'll be right back.
We'll be right back.
We'll be right back.
We'll be right back.
We'll be right back.
We'll be right back.
We'll be right back.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Thank you.
Hi.
How are you?
Ha, ha, ha.
Let me...
Let me ask you...
Let me ask you a question here.
Is it Illinois or is it Illinois or is it Illinois?
It's much cooler in here now.
You know what I did this morning before I came to the theater?
I went over to the Sears Tower and the tallest building in the world, by the
way, Paul.
Is that true?
And I'm standing on the observation deck and I'm looking down on the sidewalk
and I noticed that the people down there seem like ants.
And it's not because they look small, it's because they're carrying these giant
breadcrumbs.
And they said, "What?
Why does..."
Why?
I thought this was kind of interesting because of recent developments in San
Francisco now.
A judge has ordered Morton Downey Jr. to stay away from himself.
So I think...
Something like that.
Dave, Dave.
How are you doing, Dave?
I'm sorry.
In the middle of the show, one of our stage managers, Biff Henderson, we're
trying to do a show here, Biff.
I'm really, I'm really sorry to interrupt you, Dave.
What are we going to do for you?
I'm just wondering, do they still have movies in this stage?
Do they still have what?
Movies.
Geez, movies, I don't think so, no.
I don't think they've had movies here in quite some time.
Oh, okay.
Theater was originally built for films, but I don't, I don't think so.
Oh, okay.
I was just wondering.
Thank you.
Good luck.
Yeah, yeah, no problem.
Okay, movie, film, theater.
Guys, guys, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, guys.
They don't, they don't have, they don't have movies in this theater.
Well, thanks, sir.
No, no movies at all.
But listen, you're more than welcome to stay to see Dave's show.
That's okay.
You're more than welcome to stay to see Dave's show.
Thanks a lot.
No?
Welcome to the program.
A pretty good show here for you tonight now.
Say hello to our good friend, Mr. Paul.
Jason.
Hello.
Jason.
Hey.
Thank you very much.
Let me just say, may I say one thing?
Chicago.
Chicago.
Chicago.
Chicago.
My kind of town.
Chicago.
Yeah.
Nice to see you.
I rehearsed.
Nice to see you.
I rehearsed.
Nice to see you.
Nice to see you.
I rehearsed.
Nice to see you.
I rehearsed a little bit tonight.
Is it coming through, Paul?
It's time for the 5:30 to O'Hare.
Oh, is it time?
Uh-oh.
Well, here it comes.
You folks, ladies and gentlemen, you people have selected a great night to tune
in.
We have something very special for you.
It's a Chicago installment of Hal Gurney's Network Time Killers.
Here we go.
Oh, my God, look at that.
And there's our director, Hal.
And there's our director, Hal.
And it comes.
And we have something very special for you.
It's a Chicago installment of Hal Gurney's Network Time Killers.
Here we go.
Oh, my God. Look at that.
And here's our director, Hal.
Hi, Hal. How you doing?
Hi, Dave.
Where exactly are you?
Welcome to the truck, Dave.
Located out there on Wacker somewhere?
On East Wacker, I believe.
All right. Yes.
You know, Dave, hold it, folks.
I got a special treat for everyone, a wonder of modern broadcasting,
courtesy of the Chicago Department of Sewers.
It's the Late Night Sewer Cam.
Late Night Sewer Cam.
All right. Let's take a look. Here we go.
Late Night Sewer Cam. Roll it, Hal.
Hey, beautiful.
We've got hundreds of miles on the stage, so whenever you want it, just speak
up.
Okay, fine. Thank you very much, Hal.
Uh, let's get right to the top ten list here.
We have a wonderful program.
Um, Penn and Teller will be here a little bit later.
And, uh, Stephen Wright will be joining us.
Here we go.
Here we go.
Top ten, Paul.
Top ten.
From the home office in Oklahoma City, Oklahoma.
Tonight's category.
Top ten is Chicago Cubs' excuses for not winning a World Series since 1908.
Now, they won a pennant in 1945, have not won the World Series since 1908.
Here now, we have the top ten excuses for not winning in all this time.
Number ten, can actually see World Series better watching it on TV?
Uh, number nine, mistakenly thought low score wins, like in golf.
Uh, number eight, secure enough in our manhood to play gently.
Well, good for them.
Number seven, traded high draft picks for candy and pocket flashlights.
Uh, number six, too many guys from 1908 championship teams still on roster.
Well, you see, that would automatically be a problem.
Uh, number five, image of lovable losers gets us more tail than Sinatra.
I don't even know what that means.
Um, number four, since we've got police scanner and dugout, real-life crises
make it hard to concentrate on meaningless sport.
More tail than Sinatra.
Number three.
I'm not even sure you can say that, can you?
Yeah, thank you.
Um, number three, conferences on the mound quickly degenerate into reminiscing
about the great team back in 1908.
Uh, number two, hey, have you ever tried hitting a major league curveball?
And number one, it's victory enough simply living in Chicago, home of the best
damn audiences in the world.
Uh, number four, hey, have you ever tried to hit a major league curveball?
Uh, number four, hey, have you ever tried to hit a major league curveball?
Uh, number four, hey, have you ever tried to hit a major league curveball?
Uh, number four, hey, have you ever tried to hit a major league curveball?
Uh, number four, hey, have you ever tried to hit a major league curveball?
Uh, number four, hey, have you ever tried to hit a major league curveball?
Uh, number four, hey, have you ever tried to hit a major league curveball?
Uh, number four, hey, have you ever tried to hit a major league curveball?
Uh, number four, hey, have you ever tried to hit a major league curveball?
Uh, number four, hey, have you ever tried to hit a major league curveball?
Uh, number four, hey, have you ever tried to hit a major league curveball?
Uh, number four, hey, have you ever tried to hit a major league curveball?
Uh, number four, hey, have you ever tried to hit a major league curveball?
Uh, number four, hey, have you ever tried to hit a major league curveball?
Uh, number four, hey, have you ever tried to hit a major league curveball?
Uh, number four, hey, have you ever tried to hit a major league curveball?
Uh, number four, hey, have you ever tried to hit a major league curveball?
Uh, number four, hey, have you ever tried to hit a major league curveball?
Uh, number four, hey, have you ever tried to hit a major league curveball?
We're just a special guest in the audience tonight.
He's a legendary sports figure here in Chicago, a member of baseball's Hall of
Fame.
It's great to play to Mr. Cub, Ernie Banks. Ernie!
There's Ernie right there.
You know, Ernie was here last night. Ernie was here last night, he's here
tonight.
Ernie came back.
Ernie is back here tonight. Some say he never left.
Uh, our first guests have appeared on, uh, this particular program many times,
and their Broadway show is now a hit right here in Chicago.
Uh, and their new book entitled "Penn and Teller: Cruel Tricks for Dear Friends"
is being published and is available now.
Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome your friends and ours, Penn and Teller.
Hello, boys. Oh my God, what's going on here?
How are you doing?
Nice to see you.
How are you?
You know Teller? You know my partner Teller?
Yes. You're Penn, that's Teller.
I'm Penn, that's Teller. We're going to do a card trick for you, Dave.
Great.
And, uh, we'd like you to do... As you can see, Teller's in a tank of water,
but he's not holding his breath now.
As you can see by the bubbles, he's breathing fine.
Dave, just take the, uh, lock there off the key, feed it through the hasp, then
lock him in his underwater coffin of certain doom.
This is all right.
It's fine.
Underwater coffin of certain doom.
Yeah.
And leave him with the key there, Dave.
Is this all right with you?
All right.
Now, Teller has sworn on his honor that he will not relinquish this key until
the supremely skilled hands find the card selected by Mr. Letterman here.
Oh, good.
Biff, you all ready to keep time?
Yes, I am.
Biff's keeping time.
Would you do me a favor, Dave?
You could be in real trouble.
Grab this hose here and just pull away his only air supply.
Would you please, Dave?
Just pull it right out.
Go!
Okay.
Thanks a lot, Dave.
Now, uh, I want you to make sure this is a sealed deck of playing cards, is it
not, Dave?
Yes, sir.
Not been open to this point.
Would you, uh, would you break that seal, please, Dave?
My God.
Right in there.
What kind of neighborhood are you living in?
Now, go in parallel to the cards.
It'll be a little bit easier.
And do it towards your body.
That's right, Dave.
There you go.
And open the cards.
Pull the cards out.
All right.
And, uh, discard the advertising cards and the jokers, please, Dave.
30 seconds.
Nicely done, Biff.
And there's another on the back also, on the front, rather.
Now, uh, give the cards a thorough shuffle, Dave, and take your time shuffling,
unless
you have a threat of human decency anywhere in your soul.
How you doing, Teller?
You doing okay?
You doing okay, Biff?
I usually have a stunt shuffler.
47 seconds.
Why 47, Biff?
Every 30 seconds, Biff.
Sorry.
47 is not a multiple of 30.
I have not touched the next one out of the box.
It's all been handled by Mr. Letterwood.
Hand it back to me, please, Dave.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
I'm just going to fan them out.
One minute.
Take any one card.
Nicely done, Biff.
Take any one card, please, Dave.
Any one?
Any one card?
No, just take it, please.
Oh, take it.
I'm sorry.
Don't let me see it.
Wait till my back is turned.
Can I show it to anyone?
Show it to the camera in the audience.
He's showing the card around, Teller!
Is that it?
Okay.
When you're showing it around, Dave, take this magic marker and write your name
across the
face, would you please?
Incidentally, the world's record for holding one's breath is held by Harry Houdini
and
is 4 minutes and 35 seconds.
4:35.
4:35.
You got it covered there?
Yeah.
Nicely done, Biff.
Nicely done, Biff.
Nicely done, Biff.
Nicely done, Biff.
Nicely done, Biff.
Nicely done, Biff.
Nicely done.
The record is down there.
And you just, uh, you put the cap back on.
You put the cap back on and it saves it.
Got it.
And then, uh, you've shown it around.
Don't bend it, Dave.
No, don't bend it.
Okay.
Put it right back there, would you please?
Anywhere?
Anywhere?
Anywhere.
Anywhere.
Anywhere in the deck.
I'll give them a shuffle here.
And, um, give them another little shuffle here.
How are we doing on time, Biff?
What do we have?
150.
150.
Nicely done, Biff.
Nicely done, Biff.
Nicely done.
The record is 435.
435.
That's not hyperventilating, pure oxygen.
That's just regular air, Mike Tellerhead.
And, uh, Dave, you go by Dave or David Letterman?
Dave.
Dave?
Okay.
Are you using a middle initial there, Dave?
I'm sorry?
Are you using a middle initial there?
I have a middle name, yes.
It's Michael.
Michael, want to use the M there?
Dave M. Letterman?
Dave M. Letterman?
Sure, that's fine.
Okay, good.
Hold your hand up, please, there, Dave.
Mm-hmm.
Uh, D-A-V-E-M.
230.
Nicely done, Biff.
L-E-T-T-E-R-M-A-N.
All right.
And is that your card, Dave?
No, sir.
No, sir.
That is not, no.
Not the card.
No.
Okay, Dave.
Well, that see