Name: The Best Of Charlize Theron | David Letterman
Uploaded: 2025-09-02T15:00:05.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'The Best Of Charlize Theron | David Letterman' from Letterman on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-09-02. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'The Best Of Charlize Theron | David Letterman' from Letterman on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-09-02. Transcript available.

The Best Of Charlize Theron | David Letterman

how have you been you're supposed to be here once before i'm told now yes uh
trial and error what
the hell happened uh got deported really was busy being deported yes in what
sense
uh i i went on vacation in south africa you're from you're from south africa
born and born and
raised what town in south africa very small called benoni benoni hang on a
second our drummer anton
zip is south african anton benoni yeah wow wow i feel right at home try another
one
i just love talking to anton um so anyway uh you're from a small town in south
africa and you're
traveling there on vacation and then what happens i come back and uh i had no
idea but my paperwork
just not correct what do you mean not correct your papers were not in order no
so i was supposed
to get a stamp or something in south africa and i didn't your hand sure in the
passport right and i
came through and they said uh excuse me but you're not welcome and we're going
to send you back and i
said but dave i'm doing dave yeah and they said lady we don't care you don't
care do you so i i got
were you incarcerated well yeah they took all sharp objects away from me uh
locked me up and
for six hours and i was like but dave yeah you know dave you should have called
did you ever call
did you try and get in touch with us because we couldn't come over there and
got you out you were
too busy you know no no not stupid all you got to do is have somebody show up
and start throwing
twenty dollar bills around you're out you're a citizen welcome to the country
with the ones but
that didn't work it's the 20s uh you're just a kid now aren't you you're like
22 something like
that yeah 22. wow my goodness how how did you get started as a big-time actress
at such a
young age 20 bills uh i uh i was a ballet dancer for 12 years oh really yes wow
that's very difficult
work isn't it hard work yeah a lot of discipline yeah you you seem like you
might be tall for a
ballet dancer is that well yes yes too tall and that's how i ended it too i was
i too much weight
on the knees so uh 12 years of that the knees gave in that was the end of that
career uh so what what age
do the knees give out 18 18 all right so you're still brand new more or less
what do you do at 18
uh i i i get highly depressed don't know what to do with my life buy a one-way
ticket to hollywood
and voila you traveled from from benoni to hollywood no no no no no i studied
ballet in europe
and then i went to new york and and i i did some classes with joffrey here in
new york
and uh and it all happened here and my mom actually came out and said what the
hell and um we we did she's
i i i mean i fell in love with films at a very young age sure um but i just it
always you know coming
from someplace like south africa it's so far and you just it just seems so out
of reach well you can
take the girl out of benoni but you can't take the benoni out of the girl take
the benoni out of there
you're from south africa you're born in south africa now do they have halloween
there do they
celebrate that we do not celebrate halloween no yes crazy here isn't it that's
why we have good teeth
too much candy right my problem my problem isn't from eating eating the candy
it's just that the guy
put a thing in there today yeah you have beautiful teeth by the way i do yeah
congratulations on that
take care of those teeth no we don't celebrate halloween it's not a it's not a
it's not an anything
there yeah we don't have it at all and then i i came here and then all of a
sudden i started seeing
kids one day just come to my house well that's fine kids doing that that's fine
but it's what it's
adults like when you go to the supermarket and and you got people dressed as
you like casper checking
you out you know that but then you feel bad because you're not prepared i wasn't
prepared the
first year right and then i was you know i had to go out of my bag and get gum
out you know to give
them something yeah so i felt so bad all of a sudden all these kids in front of
my house you know what
i do oh i travel a lot and i save those little tiny liquor bottles there you go
kid who wants a stolen
it's a jim beam i'm gonna remember that are you married why are you asking well
no i'm just curious
well you know it's for the uh no yeah it's for what for the application
have you have you have you been married have you been married yourself and no
fortunately no i haven't
you're you're young you're just a kid aren't you yeah i don't know how i feel
about the whole marriage
thing well your mom and dad were they married yes yes maybe that's why i don't
know how i feel about
my point is that uh one day people who are ambivalent about this one day bingo
everything
will seem right and then it will happen probably really well i i think don't
you think so i mean
it's hard to believe you'll go through your life unmarried don't you think no i
don't think so i i'm i
i i'm quite i mean i'm i like those tim robbins susan sarannon things you know
it's weird though
isn't it no that's not weird i think look who's talking look who's talking now
do you have a
boyfriend did you like marriage did you like yeah it was it yeah i had a good
time
i did what did you like about it it was you know it was it was fine it was uh i
was i was married for
10 years what did you like wearing the ring or what was it what about it did
you like well you know i'll
tell you what the the uh the the ceremony i uh i eloped well i didn't lope we
we eloped you can't
elope alone you have to and we got we got vegas or something no went to delaroid
county uh just in
muncie indiana they don't have casino gambling there and uh we're married in a
garage of a justice of
the peace you're kidding me no are you serious yeah it's pretty good isn't it i
like maybe now i like
marriage can you give me the number or something i was really drunk
i got it
it was a friday i can't see how you can do it any other way it was i was a kid
you know and and and
and the woman was a lovely woman the problem wasn't her at all it was just that
i was too
young she was too young and then later we weren't so young and i don't know
what happened there but
it was anyway how long were you married long 10 years that's long oh yeah it
was long that's long
would you do it again uh well yeah i think one day probably sure really yeah
it's you know just i i i i'm i'm maybe a little too sensitive
that's the best excuse i've ever heard
i'm just a little too sensitive that's what it is yeah i just i just maybe i
you know everything
was fine except the parts that weren't fine and they were horrible really but
it was it was and none
of this was the her fault it was all my you all my fault all my fault and i
just i just you're a big
man to say that you know well i don't know about that but you know what and you
mentioned a home you
have a new home is that right yeah it's not that new but yeah yeah it's pretty
new so you're a first
time homeowner is that correct yes how do you find that is that a tough
response because the minute
you buy a home i don't care what condition it in is in the second you open the
door it starts
deteriorating yes and even if even if you don't do anything it's good things
will happen and there
would be problems and even if you do something then still things fall apart
right yeah it's it's no fun
yeah have you had any problems of significance um well we're up in the hills so
uh we have a lot of
california yeah we have a lot of coyotes oh wow and bobcats and deer and stuff
like that which is great
but i have dogs so i'm you know highly concerned about that well the fear is
and it's not unfounded
that the the coyotes come from wherever they come from and they they will get
your dogs and take
them away yes they will yeah it's a fact it's a known fact force them to join
their gang yes
they they they are they're quite frightening and you hear them at night and
they make these
just horrible sounds when they're hunting but i have a bunch of strays they're
all a bunch of mutts
what kind of combinations do you have oh one is a great dane dalmatian
something something the other one's
a coon hound rodesian richback something something wow yeah they're crazy
impressive elements in these
animals especially the something something right that we don't quite know but
they've all kind of
survived on their own so you know they're not phased by the creatures that we
have and and i can't have
cats because of the the coyotes i'm scared they'll get out of the property but
but my gray dane dalmatian
his name is orson and he is like a cat he catches rats like nobody's oh you
know you have rats you didn't
mention the rats tons of rats tons of rats at night i i'll take a bath and they'll
be having a party and
you hear the music and it's crazy really yeah so so it's not just the
occasional drop by rat you have
an infestation i really do i really do and but that's you know that's the price
you pay when you
live in nature so it's fine but but orson takes care of it he's he's quite
adapt he's a ratter the dog
he's insane dave he catches rats while he's on a leash
you've never seen anything like it that must be great fun for you
to be that close to the kill for god's sakes
it's very painful for me because i don't like stuff like that what happened so
you're out walking orson
yeah and you hear a rat or no you don't even hear anything it's insane he'll
just be walking and he
kind of looks like an alien a little bit and his ears would just go up and he
would just dive his
head into a bush and pull out a rat it's insane oh it's insane yeah he gets him
in his jaws across
the back or something i scream the rat screams it's a mess it's a disaster you
mentioned you bring up a
good point a lot of people think well maybe you should move maybe you're living
in the wrong neighborhood
but rats are everywhere everywhere here you have them here oh my god do we have
and here you have
the dirty ones we have the they're they're like the the size of a poodle they
are not that big yes they
are here they are honest to god and and the the mayor uh last year they
estimated that there are 30
million rats in the metropolitan area and not only that but many of them come
in on metro north every
day they commute they commute in they're crazy they're taking over what is
going on are you all right what
what's the matter is there like a thing going on between the two of you between
oprah and myself yeah
here's the deal uh oprah the last time she was on the show was 1989 okay and
and since that's 16 years
ago since then we've called at least once a week saying oprah would you please
be on the show and
she has not been on the show for 16 16 years and and there's a simple good
explanation for that she hates
me so now no yeah yeah yeah she's rising above her own feelings about me to be
on the show i don't
think that's true who could hate you first of all
this just shows you what a great uh magnanimous uh human being this is that she's
overlooking
whatever this is uh on uh to come and be on the show she has been very busy
conquering the world oh
i know but but i think this is great as symbolically for not only the country
but for the world it's
it's going to be amazing i'm going to be watching oh yes i guess you will so
anyway what is she like
what do you guys talk about when you're actually you know do you go out to
dinner do you play golf do
you what do you do no no um no she's just she's she's very uh she's you can
talk to her about anything
she's got two carker spaniels similar color the same colors then this sounds so
pathetic but but we
talk about our dogs what kind of dogs kind of dogs do you have um we have mutts
and then the two
cockers but they're all rescues and and oh that's great that's the best way to
get it yeah and oprah
oprah has dogs and she's yeah she's i know the two cockers and then i think she's
got some new
puppies some labs so that you can start off oprah really loves yeah she likes
her dog get me some dogs
thank you so much and congratul