Name: Dave's Back To School Bonanza | David Letterman
Uploaded: 2025-09-03T15:00:27.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Dave's Back To School Bonanza | David Letterman' from Letterman on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-09-03. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Dave's Back To School Bonanza | David Letterman' from Letterman on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-09-03. Transcript available.

Dave's Back To School Bonanza | David Letterman

Well, you know, it was quite a day for me.
I have a son. He's going to be three in November.
And maybe you're like me. I pray to God you're not.
I don't like things changing much.
I just like everything pretty much to be the same.
You know, throw in a little excitement every now and then.
But more or less, you know, I like to know where my socks are.
I like to know where my car keys are.
I like everything pretty much the same way.
And so today, my son, and I didn't realize this when he was born.
He's not even three.
He's had started as like his first day of school.
Started as his first day of school, for the love of God.
Yeah, well, they start, yeah.
And your kids went through the same thing?
Absolutely. Pre-nursery and then pre-nursery.
Yeah, something. It's just wacky.
Pre-nursery.
Right. I mean, for the love of God, he can't even drive.
Well, it's one of those things where, you know, daddies have to come too.
Yeah.
So we take a little Harry down to his school.
And it was traumatic for me because you're dropping the little boy off.
And I just want him still to be my little boy.
I don't want him out in the world.
You know, I mean, what good can happen there?
We all know the answer to that.
So, and a lot of activities, like he was very pleased because today, you won't
believe what he did.
He had like a little bucket, filled it full of sand.
Eighty grand a year.
That's right.
That's right.
That's right.
That's right.
So here he is.
This is my son at first day at school.
And I just, I'm showing it to you because maybe it'll make me feel a little
less sad about the whole thing.
There he is.
That's him.
Here's what daddy does when he comes home from work.
He's gorgeous though.
Well, God bless you, Paul.
So there you go.
Category, top ten ways to make going back to school more fun.
A lot of school systems around the country have already gone back to school.
Can you think of anything more depressing than being in school right now?
Oh, man, I thought school's not supposed to start until after Labor Day.
Exactly.
At least Labor Day.
Well, no, and some colleges are in the play, and they're playing college
football now.
And it's just, it's crazy.
So here now, and if you're dreading it like most people do or did, I certainly,
did you?
Of course I did.
I think we all did, yeah.
Top ten ways to make that more fun.
More fun.
More fun when you go back to school.
That's right.
Number ten.
Goodbye, three ring binders.
Hello, four ring binders.
You see?
Often, it's the little things.
And number nine, learn to throw your voice and make the quiet kid talk dirty.
Hey, what are you doing, you son of a bitch?
What are you trying to fool, you lousy one?
Number eight, shower after every class, not just gym.
And number seven, remind yourself your yearly allowance is only a few hundred
bucks less than
your teacher's salary.
Number six, dissect a frog in history class.
You see?
That's a bedlam there.
And number five, the ride seems faster on top of the bus.
Number four, with luck, phys ed teacher could be a striking major league
baseball player.
Well, there you go.
Number three, unionize your shop class.
Number two, for show and tell, how about a rabid raccoon?
How about a rabid raccoon?
How about a rabid raccoon?
He didn't look like a jazz musician, though, did he?
No, but he sounded very good.
He sounded good.
Yeah.
He was a little crisper than you think of when you think of it.
Well, he was, yeah.
Almost preppy, almost.
Yeah, that's right.
Yeah.
The number one way to make, but you know what I'm saying about Hal Gurney and
Steve Young,
though.
Hal used to dress exactly like that.
That's right.
Chinos, powder blue shirt.
And he looked, yeah, his face was like Steve Young.
I thought that was pretty good.
Two lovely guys, though.
Exactly.
Right.
And the number one way to make going back to school more fun, be like Dave.
Join the Glee Club.
There.
Easy.
What are you doing there?
Welcome to the program, Martha.
Thank you very much.
I brought you some cookies.
We made cookies for the firemen today.
Oh, very nice.
And we had one left for you.
Oh, bless your heart.
Okay.
Very nice.
Well, these look delicious.
What kind are these?
Homemade ginger snaps.
Oh, I love ginger snaps, I think.
Martha, what a lovely festive array of items we have here.
Tell the folks what we're doing tonight.
Well, these are sandwiches that have funny faces on them for children.
It's really kid-oriented.
That's right, when they take their lunch to school.
Healthy lunches for children.
And it comes from good things for kids.
You know what I heard on...
Marked by Dave.
Look, Dave marks everything with little post-its.
I heard on the news that obesity in this country is nearly at epidemic
proportions.
So not only do we have to make sure that the kids have a happy, enjoyable,
lovely food to eat,
I have not much else to say.
I'll say it then.
I don't know.
Children have very bad food.
And schools are trying really hard to healthy food at the schools.
That's right, exactly.
That's right.
But you can still, if you read some of the menus, you kind of shudder.
So giving kids little...
Did you give them a lunchbox today?
You know, I considered homeschooling.
Yeah.
But you're not home.
No, no.
People...
So how would you school him?
Well, that's the thing.
It was...
People talked me out of that.
No, he should go to school.
I believe in kids going to school, mixing up with other kids.
That's where he is.
Yeah.
Good.
How old is he?
That he's at school?
He's going to be three in November.
So he's at nursery school.
No, they don't call it nursery school.
Preschool.
Preschool.
Yeah.
Okay.
Well, that's good for him.
I'm glad he got out of the house.
That's good.
I'm glad you got out of the house.
It was bound to happen.
Yeah, I knew it was.
Yeah.
It was sure.
Jesus.
Hey, how about that?
Batting practice.
Okay, now, let's get serious if we can here.
What do you want to talk to me about?
The sandwiches.
The beautiful, the lovely array of healthy sandwiches for the kids.
You want me to show you how to make one?
Excellent idea.
How about a puzzle sandwich?
Puzzle sandwich.
Because this tests the children's ability to put things together that you've
taken apart.
Recognizing spatial relationship.
You can do this one.
A little gingerbread man.
A little gingerbread man.
Talk about gingerbread.
Right in there.
Cut it all.
Out.
Bread seems to be stale, doesn't it, Martha?
The frigid temperatures.
Don't do it that way.
No, I'm going to cut myself.
You'll hurt yourself.
Yeah, I know.
We don't want Dave to hurt himself.
No, we don't want to do that at all.
So then you cut out the star and then with a semi, I'll give you a semi-sharp
knife for Dave.
There's stuff in there.
This is already a sandwich.
Oh, no wonder that's what that is.
It's a sandwich.
It's a sandwich.
No, no, no, but this is part of the puzzle.
Now put that back.
Put that back in there.
Sure.
Okay.
And then you cut this into other little pieces, like four or five other pieces
around the outside.
I think I did.
I cut myself.
Oh, my God.
Oh, Dave.
Here, look.
Here, let me hit that.
Prove that he didn't cut himself.
Wow.
Okay, so here.
That's the puzzle.
See?
The children can take it apart.
They can see, yeah.
And then you can put it all in a little baggie like that.
And then they can put it all back together again.
That's great.
Okay?
That's great.
Great idea.
You know, are you...
This is that egg salad?
This is egg salad.
Does your little boy like egg salad?
Oh, he likes everything.
Oh, he does.
Good.
He likes to eat...
So you can use vegetables.
Mm-hmm.
That's right, kid.
Cucumbers, red peppers, peas for green eyes.
You're good at this.
You should make one on that.
Make one, okay.
You're very good.
Here, eggs are good on it, too.
Okay.
It's hard-boiled eggs.
You want to peel one?
Put one there.
Here.
Which one is?
The nose.
Close his nose.
That's an excellent...
Oh, I got it right here.
I got it right here.
There we go.
That's good, yeah.
Okay.
That you should put.
Wrap that up.
Perfect.
Don't you think?
We love you.
Where are you?
Oh.
And then sushi sandwiches, because children love sushi.
Oh, that's not healthy.
Children love sushi.
No, no, no, no.
They get trichinosis.
They'll get salmonella.
No, no, no, no.
They'll get parasites.
They'll get giardia.
If you roll the bread.
No, no.
You don't want the kids eating raw fish.
No, no.
There's no raw fish.
Oh, no raw fish.
This is just a vegetable sushi.
I wanted to, this may be something you can get behind.
I want to give a shout out to the people who make the salad spinner.
You know what the salad spinner is?
Oh, yeah.
For years and years, and you know what it is, it dries lettuce leaves and other
greens
via centrifugal force.
And you, you know what I'm talking about?
Yeah, yeah, of course.
And the thing of it is, best way to dry salad.
Yeah, but it had no, had no clutch.
No, no, no method to disengage the flywheel.
Right.
So what happened?
Well, you could nearly dislocate your shoulder.
Well, I was looking at a new salad spinner and they put a brake on the son of a
bitch.
Did you know that?
No, I didn't.
So you can get it going a thousand miles an hour and then just tap the brake
and it stops.
Good.
So you're getting into the domestic arts.
Here's the sushi.
Oh, like a California roll.
Now, will your little boy like that?
Oh, he would love that.
Yes, he would.
Okay, see?
Very nice.
Very, very nice.
So you can have all varieties of healthy things for children.
And all of these, is this your brand new book?
No.
My brand new book is Blueprint.
Remember, you made fun of it last time I was here?
Do you have anything that's, do you have anything brand new that we're plugging?
Yeah, my show tomorrow.
Oh, the show, oh, the show tomorrow.
My show, tomorrow.
Martha, that's right.
Season number two.
Thank you very much.
Thank you.
August Stewart, ladies and gentlemen.
Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.
Welcome back to the broadcast.
Look, it's the kids, ladies and gentlemen.
Look, it's the kids.
Let's do some scientific experimentation, shall we?
Who wants to go first?
How about you?
What is your name?
Katie Johnson.
Where are you from, Katie?
Naperville, Illinois.
Naperville, Illinois.
Yes.
Katie, what grade are you in?
Eighth.
Eighth?
You like studying?
You're a pretty good student?
Yeah.
Huh?
What was your favorite to class, science?
Not really.
Really?
Let's see if Biff is still back there.
Biff, can you come in?
There he is.
He's there.
Hey, Biff.
Now, look at that.
Where did everybody go, Biff?
You chased them out of there, huh?
Yes.
I told him to go home.
I told him to go home.
They left.
All right, Biff, you stay standing by, and the second anything happens, you let
us know, all right?
I sure will, Dave.
Okay.
But you like the science.
You like science, don't you?
Yeah.
Yeah.
And you got brothers and sisters?
Yeah.
Older, younger, both?
One older brother and two younger sisters.
How's that going?
Pretty good?
Uh, kind of.
Yeah, yeah?
And, uh, are you excited about the presidential election?
Um, not really.
Yeah, not really.
I'm voting again Tuesday.
You want to go?
All right, let's, uh, I notice everybody has protective eyewear.
Should I be using protective eyewear?
Yeah.
Great.
Well, thanks for pointing that out.
Is this enough protection?
Because you have the goggles, and these are just wacky glasses.
Will wacky glasses protect me?
Yeah.
Yes, sir.
All right.
Are you sure?
Yeah, just pick one.
Okay.
Don't lie to me, kids!
Well, what do you like?
What do you like?
Red or the green?
All right, fine.
Okay.
All right.
Okay, thank you very much.
All right.
What was your name?
Katie Johnson.
Katie?
What do you got going for us here?
You got a bowl full of liver and a blender.
Yeah, and I have some hydrogen peroxide.
And hydrogen peroxide.
Oh, it's happy hour.
I'm going to make some daiquiris.
What do you do with the liver?
Is it, uh, and how did you get that on the plane?
I didn't bring it on the plane.
Didn't bring it on the plane?
We had it waiting fo