Name: Dave's Son Wants To Drop Him | David Letterman
Uploaded: 2025-09-08T15:00:53.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Dave's Son Wants To Drop Him | David Letterman' from Letterman on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-09-08. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Dave's Son Wants To Drop Him | David Letterman' from Letterman on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-09-08. Transcript available.

Hi, I'm Barbara Gaines. Welcome to the Barbara Gaines Show.
Hi, Barbara. How are you? Listen, I don't know how long we've known one another,
but I can't thank you enough for the generosity you've extended to both me and
my family.
And once again, I couldn't be more proud, excited, happy, thrilled, honored to
be on the Barbara Gaines Show.
Well, no one else will come on.
Okay, great.
You know what someone said on the YouTube?
They said, when this began, Barbara kept saying she doesn't have a show, there
are no guests,
and now she's completely given in to saying it's the Barbara Gaines Show.
Well, the people making those comments about her on the YouTube are absolutely
wrong.
And from day one, it's been the Barbara Gaines Show, and I maintain that's the
real problem.
Huh?
Well, let me tell you something. Haters be hatin'. That's the issue.
Right.
And here's the slogan for the Barbara Gaines Show. Are you ready?
I'm ready.
And I want this to be...
Write it down.
I want this to be posted all over the YouTube. We're not happy until you're not
happy.
We're not... That is the slogan.
Yes, that's the slogan of the Barbara Gaines Show.
We're not happy until you're not happy.
Yes, that's perfect.
Yeah, here we go.
But anyway, seriously, wherever I go, people say, oh, Dave, we love you on the
Barbara Gaines Show.
We love Barbara Gaines. We love that Mary Barkley. By the way, where is Mary
today?
And I didn't see her in the green room.
No, she's doing some home maintenance.
Oh, home maintenance. Well, you got to. I mean, once you acquire property, it
doesn't take care of itself.
Exactly.
And remember, we're not happy until you're not happy.
That's right.
Yeah.
Well, Dave, we've got a special guest today.
Oh, I love it when you have a special guest.
Yes, it's comedy writer, Bill Schiff.
Comedy writer, TV legend, musician, author, Bill Schiff.
Hey, Bill.
Nice to see you.
How you been, boy?
Good.
Bill, how's your summer been?
My summer has been just fine.
I read the Lorne Michaels biography, So You Don't Have To.
And I'll just cite the two, my two favorite moments from it.
There's a line that wasn't attributed to anybody, but I now know is attributed
to Julia Louis-Dreyfus,
who said, every time somebody tells a lie, Dick Ebersole gets a royalty.
That's the first line.
It's the beauty.
And the other one is when Chris Farley's first day as a new cast member, he
went up to the head writer, Jim Downey,
former writer for you, Dave, went up to Jim Downey and said,
look, if it'll help the show, I can get even fatter.
First day.
First day.
Show business.
Show business.
There you go.
You can't get enough of it.
You can't live without it.
I saw your dissertation about the new guy, Stephen Colbert, and I appreciated
it.
But it reminded me, it reminded me of when very early on at CBS, when Westinghouse
bought CBS
and the president of Westinghouse, whose name happened to be Michael Jordan,
did not call you up
and welcome himself aboard, and you took that opportunity to challenge him to a
fight on the air every day for a week.
And to me, that's the exciting part of life, is challenging the head of Westinghouse
to a fight every night on television.
I will.
I've offered to fight this guy.
What's his name?
Michael H. Jordan?
You know anything about the guy, Bob?
How old a man is he?
Wait, but these guys, he's the head of a big company, a big corporation.
We got to know one thing.
He's out of shape.
He's probably overweight.
He's probably in his 60s.
And we, and these guys drink.
These are the guys that are...
Like three of those at lunch, they're just getting started.
They don't break a sweat with three of those.
So I'm saying, I'll fight one night.
Have you inquired into this, Bob?
One night right here, a fight to the death.
Me and this guy.
What's his name?
Michael Jordan.
Well, I, you know, I don't know.
I think Stephen Colbert, I think they mishandled that whole thing.
It was stupid.
And you just think, oh, for the love of God, can we have a break from stupid
behavior?
Can we just please take a day?
Like, set aside a national holiday where nothing stupid happens.
The malignancy of a dictatorship is metastasizing.
Yeah, well put, well put.
Thank you.
Benign rogue.
And I remember you used to refer to Donald Trump's greasy limousine.
That was, that was my favorite.
Well, I think we introduced him as a slumlord.
Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.
Not a problem with that.
No, no.
We had a problem with nothing.
How would anybody mind that?
Yeah.
Right.
Has anybody seen Pat Sajak's hair?
Oh my God.
He's got himself a Bobby Rydell pompadour.
And it's the color of mahogany furniture that's been refinished.
It's a color that you only see in secondhand furniture stores.
It's like, whoa, that's, that's, what is, what color is that?
We don't know.
It's been shellacked.
So I don't, when did this happen?
Now, I remember when Regis came on the show and his hair, he'd let his hair go
gray or white.
And, and you expressed shock on television.
You know, what happened?
What have you done?
And by the end of the third segment, I had gotten a series of stain samples.
And you offered them to Regis to choose from, to go back to the, to the color
that we were more familiar with.
I give Adam Resnick credit for this, your former writer, who said, Dave was on
to Regis before anybody else.
Yeah.
And you were, and you were.
By the way, Adam Resnick, as funny a human being, taking breath on this planet.
Taking Harry back to school yesterday, and then sure enough, he's putting his
books up on his bookshelf.
And from his freshman year, right now to his senior year, one of the books he
takes with him back to college is Will Not Attend by Adam Resnick.
Yeah, wonderful.
Yeah.
And this always makes my heart good because if Harry likes that book, I know he's
got a decent sense of humor.
Let me give you a quick example of Harry's sense of humor.
Because I, I, I eat my food too fast.
I started choking the other night at dinner.
And so I'm trying to clear, I'm trying to clear my throat.
I'm doing that.
And after about six of them, Harry looks at me, shears me right in the eyes.
And he says, you, if you don't stop making that noise, I'm going to drop you.
And I thought, isn't this the opposite of, do you need a Heimlich?
He can drop me.
If I, if I continue trying to save my life, he's going to drop me.
Well, this is, by the way, this is what happens when a smart ass has a kid.
What?
Well, my response to, yeah.
My response to that is cancel the DNA test.
He's piping up like that.
And you, you reminded me of a, of a great Adam Resnick line.
When, when your mother passed away, he emailed you, sorry about your mother.
At least now you won't have to worry about money anymore.
Have you guys seen any, speaking of the internet, there's a guy and his buddy,
and I think they're
one or the other of them from Indiana.
And they put up a, like a 20 minute show, maybe once a week, twice a week,
traveling around
Northern Indiana, Chicago area, maybe some of the lower Midwest.
And what they do is magnet fishing.
Oh.
And they have super powerful magnets tied to a nylon rope.
They stand on a bridge, launch it into the river, the creek, the stream, the
lake, whatever.
And it's this.
Oh, got a click.
Okay.
Oh, this is, this is going to be, oh no, it slipped off.
No, no, it's still there.
So it's, it's all this phony anticipation.
Oh, this is, whoa, here we go.
This is, they finally haul it up.
Look at, look at that.
Oh my God.
Look at this.
It's a rusty bolt.
Look at this.
Whoa, we're going to keep that.
Honest to Christ.
You think they're bringing up the Titanic and it's always a rusty fucking bolt.
Yeah.
This is a huge show on the internet.
And then in one, his buddy gets arrested because he is skipped out of a warrant
in California.
So the magnet fishing is kind of subsumed by the police car coming to arrest
the co-host of the magnet fishing show.
It's, and I'm watching it, and I'm watching it, and I'm watching it thinking,
Dave, why are you watching this?
I'll pay for an arrest.
My, my only regret about that story is that Jerry Mulligan is not here in the
middle of the story to say, oh yeah, magnet fishing.
Yeah, that's right.
Yeah, that's right.
The omniscient Jerry Mulligan.
Yeah.
Absolutely.
Yeah.
Magnet fishing.
So that would be my video tip of the day.
Well, on that note, say goodbye, audience.
Goodbye.
Bye, audience.
I wish I could do something about this.
And I love kitties.
Goodbye.
Goodbye, everyone.
Goodbye.
This was great.
Don't bother me anymore.
Thanks for coming.
Oh, wait a minute, Bill.
What was it?
Does not look good.
Thanks for coming.
Come again anytime.
Goodbye.