Name: The Best Of Julia Roberts, Part 1 | David Letterman
Uploaded: 2025-10-09T15:00:18.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'The Best Of Julia Roberts, Part 1 | David Letterman' from Letterman on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-10-09. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'The Best Of Julia Roberts, Part 1 | David Letterman' from Letterman on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-10-09. Transcript available.

The Best Of Julia Roberts, Part 1 | David Letterman

You know, there was a time, Dave, when I asked you on a date.
Wait a minute. Turn off the cameras.
Clear the audience. Turn off the cameras.
Oh!
Oh, great.
My one chance of being Mr. Big Shot and he turns off the cameras.
Now, what are you talking about?
Well, when I was first on the show, which was about four years ago, I guess, or
something, for Steel Magnolias,
I thought we had a delightful conversation.
How do you think it's going tonight?
Pretty well.
Oh, good.
Yeah, but I probably won't be asking you on a date after the show.
No, that's bad form.
Anyway, so I, after giving it some thought, I sort of, you know, got up my
nerve and I called
back over here because the Steel Magnolias premiere was the next night and I
didn't have anyone
to go with me.
So I called and I couldn't get through to you.
I could only get to your producer.
And I said, you know, well, I'd really like to ask him to be my date.
You know, this is the first I'm hearing of this.
As God is my witness, I don't know anything about this.
Well, I was turned down flat, is the point, and I had no date.
Yeah, but how about that haircut, ladies and gentlemen?
Is that a haircut there?
Exactly.
That magazine, did you see that?
That's lovely.
That's nice.
Man, I wish I had known about that.
That's, I'm, I'm, I hope you weren't treated rudely.
And if it ever happens again, I'll be happy to go with you anywhere you want to
go.
You, me, and Lyle, of course.
Do you have some kind of, uh, quirk about you physiologically, whereby you fall
asleep
at a moment's notice in odd places?
Well, not at a moment's notice.
I get, I get tired.
Yeah, I'm a little sleepy now myself.
Thanks.
Nice.
I'm just, I'm just trying to play along.
No.
You want to nap?
I'll take over.
But it's, it's, it must be a nuisance for you, a terrible nuisance if this
happens.
No, it's actually, you know, it's a great asset because, um, if, if I have to
work like
14 or 16 hours, if I can just catch a little nap.
You need, are you okay?
I'll just show her and I'll take care of this.
Just, there you go.
You're putting your hand in your pocket.
I know, I know.
Just for, oh, thank you very much.
Well, we'll take care of this during the commercial.
Yeah, do you mind?
How about a little music here?
Ow, ow, ow, ow.
Where's it going?
I know we're going.
Will, will you turn off the cameras?
Hey.
Thank you very much.
But tell him to go see my movie.
All right, well, you tell him.
I don't even know this person.
No, tell them to go see my movie.
That's what you're...
That's what I was doing and then we had to interrupt it for the personal
announcements.
You know how...
All right, let me take care of this.
I'll take care of this.
Hand me that card.
Give me that card.
Yes, be sweet.
You think about that when you and your little friend in the Knicks outfit are
getting in a cab later, okay?
You know, it's just as well that you hung around because it occurs to me that I
have not asked you about Lyle Lovett.
Can you tell us about that situation?
Is it any of my business or would you like to leave now?
No, did you hear that?
See, that's really nice.
The audience sort of like, oh, why is he doing that?
Yeah.
Did you hear that?
Yeah, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
Forgive me.
Because it's sort of tasteless, isn't it?
No, come on.
Do you mind if I leave now?
I don't want you to feel badly because I, too, was married and it didn't really
work out.
Are you still friends?
I'm sorry?
Are you still friends?
We weren't friends while we were married.
She's a lovely, lovely woman and has a very nice life for herself now.
She's seeing Garth Brooks.
What does that mean?
I'm not sure you think.
Things are getting out of control.
Maybe I should go.
All right.
No, but don't go if you're upset.
No, I'm not upset.
Okay, that's all right.
All right, relax.
Good Lord.
Get a hold of yourself.
Stop it.
Stop it.
And what's the last thing you cooked recently after the holidays?
Lasagna.
Lasagna.
It's labor intensive, that lasagna, isn't it?
Takes a long time to make the lasagna.
Not really.
How long does it take you to make a lasagna?
About 20 minutes and then you put it in the oven and it cooks for about 45
minutes.
45 minutes.
But you've got to stand there and make sure nothing goes wrong, right?
You don't have to see.
Yeah, you're just watching the whole 45 minutes of viewing time.
You don't want it to explode or nothing like that, do you?
What's your favorite food?
Yeah, I make meatloaf.
I started making meatloaf.
A lot of guys play golf and they get to be middle-aged, not me.
I started making meatloaf.
So you cook loaves of meat.
Yeah, I cook loaves of meat.
Yeah, it's great.
I love it.
The best thing about meatloaf, you can't do anything wrong.
You can't screw up a meatloaf.
I guess you can't.
No.
Have you made a meatloaf?
I have, yes.
It's fun, isn't it?
You can...
Wop, wop, wop, wop, wop, wop, wop, wop, wop, wop, wop, wop, wop.
Bingo!
Shhh.
Up into the oven.
There you go.
And the house just smells great for months and months and months.
You know, I cooked one Saturday night.
People would be coming to the house on Labor Day.
Did you have meatloaf in the last decade?
It's that powerful.
And, man, it's tasty.
You have to take it out of the oven.
And mashed potatoes.
You like the mashed potatoes?
Mm-hmm.
How do you make the mashed potatoes?
You cook them up and you mash them up.
Exactly.
It's like a conversation you'd have on a really bad date, isn't it?
No, not a bad date.
Just with a slow start.
Yeah, slow start.
But I can tell you, if this were a date, it ain't going nowhere.
Don't you think?
I mean, no, I don't mean...
Oh, no.
Oh, damn, no.
I've offended you.
No, I don't mean on your behalf.
I mean on my behalf.
I'm such a lout.
You see what I'm saying?
I'm such a lout.
You've got me tongue-tied here because I'm just a boob and look at who you are.
Oh, sweet.
It was sweet, wasn't it?
It'll be okay.
In my own clumsy way.
It was kind of sweet, yeah.
We were talking during the commercial that I have been on the show, it has been
almost
10 years since I've been doing this show.
Right, right.
And do you remember the time that I was just walking by while you were...
And I came in just to say hello and it was my birthday.
Oh, that's right.
I don't remember that.
And you gave me that beautiful painting, remember?
Yeah, no, I don't remember.
It looked like...
It just looked like someone had sort of thrown up a crayon box on a big canvas,
but it was
quite expensive.
Do you remember?
Oh, I remember this.
We were displaying art on Paul's organ.
Yes.
Excuse the expression every night.
Thanks.
No problem.
Yeah.
You could put it that way.
That's what we gave him, of course.
Do you still have that?
I do.
It hangs over my fireplace, and I'm hoping it'll catch on fire.
Hey!
There you go.
All right.
Now, Julia, these are questionnaires that we passed out to the audience who
said that you
were going to be a guest, and do they have questions?
And they wrote the little questions.
And these are completely confidential, so nobody gets embarrassed, all right?
All right.
Our first question is from a guy named Larry Stevens, who is right here in
Manhattan.
Larry Stevens?
Wasn't that like...
It's a joke.
Well, not much of a joke.
I'm sorry.
All right.
What's your favorite place to visit in the United States?
Favorite place to visit?
In the United States?
In the United States, yeah.
You get this right, you're going to dinner.
Well, home, because I do kind of just visit home.
Where do you consider home?
Here.
Right here in New York City?
Yeah.
So, New York City is your favorite place?
Like, right here with you, baby.
Well, that concludes the question and answer portion of tonight's show.
We're running a little late.
Good night, everybody!
Are you involved with anybody right now?
Are you dating anybody right now?
Well, not successfully.
Thank you, Jen.
Thank you, Jen.
Thank you, Jen.
I'm not sure the appropriate response is, yeah!
It happens to be Julia Roberts we're talking about here.
This is a long-standing flirtage.
Not one of your roadie friends.
Yeah!
I used to think that the gap between your teeth was bigger.
Is it closing in?
You know, it has.
It has closed in.
It has.
My bite is constantly shifting.
In fact, I'm in the middle of a lengthy, painful dental procedure right now.
Are you serious?
Yeah, I'm having everything changed and moved around in my mouth.
Why?
Well, you just, you know, like, rotate your tires.
You should do it every now and then.
But it did.
It did.
It is.
It's getting closer.
Because I used to have a big gap between my friends.
I know.
You had a huge one.
And did it close?
It closed in just because it wanted to.
Yeah.
Is it affected by seismic activity?
That's one way to put it.
Oh!
This is like extra.
I know.
What's happening to us?
I don't know.
It's like Chuck Woolery.
Have you been drinking?
No, I haven't been drinking.
I don't drink.
Do you drink?
On the odd occasion?
Yeah.
I gave it up.
I had to give it up.
Really?
Yeah, because I started drinking when I was like 16.
Drank right through high school.
Drank right through college.
And just kept drinking.
You're telling me tales.
Oh, no, I'm not.
You are.
I used to go to doctors and they said,
Dave, you know, your liver is the size of a footlocker, son.
And that's when I said,
well, I guess I've had enough to drink
and I haven't had anything to drink
in like 20 years or so.
Yeah.
How old are you?
50.
You are not.
I'm 50.
You're not.
What are you thinking?
Like 60?
When's your birthday?
More like 60?
4, 12, 47.
4, January, February, March, April.
So you're an Aries?
I guess.
That explains a lot.
What do you mean that explains it?
What does that mean?
What kind of a snide thing is that to say?
It's not snide.
How old are you?
29.
29.
Oh, you're just a kid.
You're going to be 30.
When are you going to be 30?
October.
What are you going to do?
Just go nuts for your 30th birthday?
Yes.
And I'll just sit around waiting
for the really expensive nice gift
you're going to send me.
Oh, I'll, you know,
you know I will.
Ring size, five and a half.
Not to drop any hints.
Yeah.
Wow.
What's the, what's the deal here?
I don't know, but it's fun.
We have to entertain these good people
who have come out on this fine, fine place.
Oh, they've had plenty of entertainment.
Well, we have to, we have to go.
Oh, too stupid, isn't it?
Oh, man.
We, are we still on?
Okay, good, good again.
Someone's pounding on the desk.
We asked them to stop that?
We'll be right back.
Let's do this.
Is there a lot of, of music
written for oboe?
Wow, man.
Is this, I haven't seen you in six months
and this is what we're going to talk about.
It's Paul's fault.
It's Paul's fault.
No, but Paul.
I begged him to come up with some questions.
But he started, you started with what?
Boxers?
Boxers or briefs.
Yeah, that's what I was really interested in.
Song, actually.
Whoa.
My age.
I can't.
Yeah.
Eventually, it all comes out here on The Letterman Show.
Do you ever go out?
Because someone asked me.
Someone said, so, you know, you're, you're friends with Dave, right?
And I would like to say the answer is yes.
I've never seen you outside the studio.
Has anyone ever seen you anywhere?
Where do you go?
Where do you go?
I have a limited calendar of very kind of specialized activities that I don't,
I don't, well, I'm usually
on the internet in one of the chat rooms.
There's nowhere to go.
I don't, I don't, first of all, I'll tell you why I don't go out.
People don't want me out.
Do some kind of mandate on you.
Yeah, more or less, yes.
People are more comfortable when I'm at home in the house.
And so am I.
Now, where do you go when you go out?
And maybe we'll go out together one day.
Well, don't even get me started.
No, don't even get me started on that.
On the long time, long time ago, I asked Dave on a date.
I haven't let it go.
Because he said.
What did I say?
Busy.
Sorry.
Later for you.
Later for you.
I don't think she's making that up, but we should go someplace.
Do you like truck racing?
I like the b