Name: Tom Hanks' Family Jewels Met The Louvre's Crown Jewels | David Letterman
Uploaded: 2025-10-21T15:01:03.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Tom Hanks' Family Jewels Met The Louvre's Crown Jewels | David Letterman' from Letterman on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-10-21. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Tom Hanks' Family Jewels Met The Louvre's Crown Jewels | David Letterman' from Letterman on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-10-21. Transcript available.

Tom Hanks' Family Jewels Met The Louvre's Crown Jewels | David Letterman

I don't know if you folks know anything about this,
but for a while, because of Homeland Security and so forth,
the National Security Agency and George Bush,
they were wiretapping everybody.
They were wiretapping.
My phone was tapped, and I'm sure your phones were tapped.
And-- well, thank you, ma'am.
And I just want to say to the government,
because you've been tapping my phone all of these months now,
you owe me half of my phone sex bill.
But that's a whole different thing.
And then there's this great story in California,
and I don't know if you know this guy, Anthony Pelicano.
I don't know him, but I've been reading him.
Yeah, yeah, he's--
Academy members?
He's academy members.
He's like some kind of a show business thug.
Yeah, well, yeah.
A private investigator thug, and he's in prison,
and Wally's in prison.
They find out that among other thug activities,
he was wiretapping, eavesdropping, electronically eavesdropping,
all of your favorite Hollywood stars.
No.
And I just want to say,
and I hope nothing bad comes of this for me,
we have been doing the same thing here.
We do it?
What do you mean?
What are you talking about?
We wiretap here?
Yes, you didn't know that?
What are you talking about?
You didn't know that?
That's what?
Didn't know that?
That's crazy.
So the dressing rooms, we've got them bugged.
We bugged the dressing rooms?
Yes.
I can't believe it.
And they're wiretapped, and I thought it would be fun tonight,
because this guy, Anthony Pelicano,
is going to go away again for a long time.
I thought it would be fun to share with you our--
and let's see, this should be--
do we have Tom Hanks' line tapped?
Get out of here.
Tapping his line?
OK, as soon as he-- he's not on the phone now,
but as soon as he makes a call,
I'll show you how this electronic eavesdropping--
Oh.
As soon as he gets on the phone.
OK.
OK, OK, OK, OK, OK, he's on, OK.
Ah.
Listen, listen, listen.
So the wife and me, we're out at dinner, and--
hey, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute.
Excuse me, is this a banana nut muffin?
It is, isn't it?
Well, see, I asked for an orange cranberry muffin.
And let me ask you a question.
Does Julia Roberts have to put up with this kind of crap?
You see?
You see, that's--
See, that's what you--
He's on the phone there with somebody.
Sure.
Yeah.
And then somebody brought him in a muffin.
This guy's brought him in the wrong kind of muffin.
I didn't like it.
Wait a minute, wait a minute.
He'll hear you.
Let's just see what else is going on with this.
This is Tom Hanks, two-time Academy Award winner.
We're having a little fun here tonight, tapping his phone.
Yeah.
I'll go out there and pretend I'm enjoying myself,
but that creepy ass letterman better not touch my neck.
So--
Wow.
How much, again, is it for the extra-large monkey?
What?
What?
I don't know.
Wow.
Some inside stuff, and then some even farther inside stuff.
I don't know.
He's doing a lot of phoning up there.
I hope these are--
By the way, I hope these are all local calls.
Come on.
I can't believe I've got to waste my time talking to Dave Letterman.
Letterman, for God's sakes, don't they know who I am?
I'm Tom Hanks.
I hope he settles down.
Thank you, everybody.
Thank you, Dave.
Mona Lisa.
How are you?
Oh, was that what that was?
Yeah, that's what that was.
The Da Vinci Coat.
There you go, the Da Vinci Coat.
You look great.
My God, you look great.
Thank you.
You got the hair thing, and you look great.
Thank you.
It is, it is.
I don't think I've seen you with your hair like that before, have I?
Well, there's no bigger news in my hair, Dave.
It's a lot of stuff going on out there in the world, but I went to the beauty.
I got a goofy hairdo, and let's all talk about it.
No, no, it looks good.
When people go see The Da Vinci Coat, is that the hair you'll have in The Da
Vinci Coat?
Oh, yes.
I view my head as a sneak preview of The Da Vinci Coat.
Don't miss a stretch.
It's tantalizing, you know?
You look tremendous.
You look like a kid, and I understand soon there will be one of those landmark
birthdays.
Oh, yeah, Dave.
Yeah.
Dave, I'm going to be 50 years old in July, Dave.
Congratulations.
Thank you, thank you.
Now, I know I should lie about my age, I should, but how do you do that?
I was on the love boat in 1980, Dave, and I've been promoting it ever since.
Everybody knows I've been around for a long time.
Yeah, and we've watched you grow and evolve as an artist, and very gracefully,
I might add.
Oh, thank you.
And one wouldn't really think of you as 50.
Well, 50, you know, supposedly they say it's the new, I think for a while 50
was the new 40.
Not true.
50 is the new, it's the new 34, I think.
Really?
Yeah, yeah, because 34, you start slowing down a little bit, but you still go,
and you can still look, and what's odd is by the time I'm 60, 60 then will be
the new 30.
So actually, I'm going to get younger as I go, because by then everyone will
have work done, and I will just, I will join the throng, so to speak.
Because it's going to be so cheap by then, don't you think?
Because, yes, I agree, but because it's such a beautiful day, did you get a
chance to get out today?
I did, I was in the park today, yes.
And you think to yourself, oh, man, do you spend any time outdoors?
Are you an outdoor sort of fellow?
When springtime comes, I think of one thing, and one thing only, Dave, and I'm
sure you do camping.
I have become an outdoor, now listen, now granted, I'm no Hickory Adams, or
whatever his name is.
Grizzly, Grizzly.
Whatever, all right.
A few years ago, my friend of mine got married, and we said, well, let's do a
bachelor party, but let's not do the standard bachelor party, where we go to
Vegas,
and pay for hookers, and then go home with STDs and vomit on our clothes, let's
do something unique, let's go camping.
So a bunch of us started going camping, we went up in the Sierra Nevadas, and
we stayed for two nights, it was gorgeous, but two nights is not long enough to
go camping.
You essentially have a horrible night's sleep, and then you come home with bugs
in your underwear, that's the only thing that could happen in two nights.
So we have since gone back, and we go three nights, and now four nights, we've
been doing it for years, and we're up to, I think we spend 19 days in the
mountains now.
I'm joking, we don't.
Um, we, we, and, but you should join us, Dave, I know you probably, you're an
outdoorsman, and I will guarantee you this.
One thing we've discovered is, grown men should never, ever share tents.
I don't care how big they are, really, you've got essentially a, a, breathing,
snoring, stinking lummets in a mummy bag right next to you.
I don't recommend it, it's bad.
So the, the, we now camp, right, uh, with individual tents that are very
colorful.
Yeah, they are, uh, we fight over the paisley one, uh, I, I want the Power
Rangers tent, please, you can have the My Pretty Pony tent.
And, um, and we also bring, uh, we brought along, uh, Hobby, uh, to, to cook
for us.
Hobby is?
Hobby is the cook.
He, you know, we say, um.
Hobby.
Hobby.
How long till dinner?
Well, you can eat the biscuits now, Mr. Hanks, but, uh, you know, you're gonna
have to wait a while for the stew.
And, um, and it really, it makes it wonderful, because, because then as, as, as
men, as men, we can really let ourselves
relax and grow and get back to a state.
Now, by about the fourth or fifth night, we do enter into a kind of, like, the,
the drum banging,
uh, rock clacking.
No, we don't.
Uh, Iron Man kind of thing, uh, Iron Man, Tony Stark, and we bang rocks, and we
start, uh,
we start wearing less and less clothes.
Oh, see, I don't know.
Uh, and so by the fifth night, we are butt naked.
Oh, no.
We are, we are weeping, and we're holding each other, saying things like,
there is nothing wrong with you. There is nothing wrong with you.
So, Dave, here's my invitation.
Yeah.
Please join us.
No.
Come camping with us.
I, uh, we, we will, if nothing else, Dave, we'll just, we'll just sit up the
whole night
with a big cup of hot cocoa and laugh and laugh.
Let me, let me ask one thing.
Please do me the favor.
I want to hear a little more hobby.
The hobby.
Here's hobby telling us what's for lunch.
Okay.
Boys, just spread out some cold cuts.
You can help yourself.
That's hobby.
A little Walter Brennan?
Well, yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Hobby, actually, she's, she's a 58-year-old lady, and she's, she's as tough as
nails,
and, uh, she's just an absolute sweetheart.
That's an interesting drink.
And I swear to God, she has a one-eyed dog with only three legs,
but he keeps up with us all, every, all the way up there.
And what kind of things do you do during, during the day?
Do you go out hiking?
Do you go out fishing?
Well, the object of, of going, we do go out hiking with this one objective,
and it's a great objective to work for.
It really polishes a lot of skills.
Find your way back to the camp.
That's, that's, and you know, there's been some times where,
geez, we better send up a flare.
I haven't seen Chris in a while.
Chris!
I know he went up there.
Did he make it back down there?
Helicopters begin to circle.
Well, that's why we have the paisley and the colorful tents,
because you can see them for miles away, Dave.
That's right.
I was like, oh, great, we crossed the wrong ridge.
How did we get this lost?
Now, uh, when we come back, I want to talk about the, uh, oh, the film.
This is like a big deal.
You, you knew this was a big deal when you get into it, right?
Hey, they, uh, they called me up with, uh, with money on the table,
if you know what I'm talking about.
Okay, no.
You in a hurry to get out of here on Monday?
I got to get out of here.
All right, Max is here at Kanye West.
Are we on, are we on free TV now?
You don't have, you don't have to pay any bills?
That's extraordinary.
Uh, now, uh, tell me about your relationship with, uh, Ron Howard.
Ron Howard.
This is your, is your third film you've done with?
It's our third movie, yes.
Yeah, let's, let's, uh, go down the list of films you've done with Ron Howard.
Uh, uh, there was The Splash.
Splash.
The Apollo 13, and, and Apollo 14.
No, I'm joking.
Now, there were the three of them.
He, uh, answered the unanswered question.
Are, are you, uh, are you guys, uh, good friends?
Because you seem like you might be kindred spirits, sort of.
We're, we're pretty good.
Yeah, I think we're good friends.
We pick up right, you know, he hasn't changed.
He hasn't changed a bit.
He's still wearing the same pleated Dockers, uh, that he wore.
And in, I mean, 1983, you would think he'd get a new pair of pants.
It's kind of, it's kind of shrunk now.
He's got a little clam digger action going on there.
Uh, and, uh, he's a, he's a great guy.
People tell me that you also do an impression of Ron Howard.
Oh, well, yeah, it is, yeah, yeah.
Hey, hey, hey, it's good.
On every one, he comes up at some point in every movie, he comes up and gives
me, uh,
professional direction that is so obvious that, uh, honestly, why, I'm a
professional.
You don't think I would figure this out?
On Splash, we were underwater, you know, and he'd come up and say, remember,
swim, swim.
I know, I know, I know, I know Ron.
Uh, Apollo, Apollo, Apollo 13, he'd come up and say, remember, the, the, the
computer is broken.
I, I know, I know the computer is broken, and, uh, and, and this one, he says,
okay, you'll come around the corner, and then you'll see, you'll see the Mona
Lisa, and it's the Mona Lisa.
Yes, I, I know.
Uh, that's directing.
Maybe, maybe he, he, he trusts me to, you know, to get it, I guess.
Uh, let me ask you a question that might be a little self-serving, but how are
the kids, how's the family, how are things going with the kids?
Oh, they're, they're, they're marvelous, they're, I got, my, my, my son's a
working actor.
Oh, yeah, I've been on the show.
My other kids are students, and, uh, they're working students.
Yeah.
And, uh, I send them off to the coal mine, and they come back with, uh.
Uh, now, my son is only two and a hal