Name: Dave's Fun And Festive Halloween Treats | David Letterman
Uploaded: 2025-10-28T15:00:46.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Dave's Fun And Festive Halloween Treats | David Letterman' from Letterman on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-10-28. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Dave's Fun And Festive Halloween Treats | David Letterman' from Letterman on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-10-28. Transcript available.

You know, uh, this Saturday night, all across the nation, Americans will be
terrified by the inhuman screeching of bizarre voices.
No, no, not another presidential debate.
Of course, I'm talking about Halloween, and what better time than right now
here tonight
to take a look at some of the costumes you'll be seeing on the little trick-or-treaters
come Saturday night.
Now, please come with me to the Letterman home. Here we go. Right back here.
Hi, hi, hi, and welcome to Dave's house.
Many of you have stayed here.
Okay, now here's what we do. We just wait for the trick-or-treaters.
There's one right there.
Hi, come right on in.
Nice to see you. Thanks for dropping by.
You know, for my money, nothing says mid-November like our first costume here.
It's the two-week-old jack-o'-lantern.
You just can't beat the aroma of rotting pumpkins.
Hi, how are you?
What's your name?
Elizabeth.
Elizabeth, you're a lovely girl, and we have something for you.
How about this? It's a Paul Songhus bumper sticker.
Let's see if I can't just put that there on your pumpkin. Do you mind? There
you go. Be very careful. Nice to see you. Bye-bye.
I get so nervous whenever I have company here at the house. Hi. Oh, look at
this. This costume is an excellent way to introduce your kiddies to the
important world of self-defense.
It's the stun gun. Young puns and hardened criminals alike will cower with fear.
All right, let's see if we have something. Oh, I think I have something for you
right here. It's a pouch of red man chewing tobacco.
Yeah, yeah. You quite love it.
Now, do me a favor. If you use this, be sure and brush real good afterwards,
okay?
Okay.
All right. Bye-bye. Be careful. Good night.
Look at that. Look at that, Paul. I got lake property.
I love it.
How about that?
Ah, the lake is... There's the lake back there. All right.
Okay.
Hi there.
Well, you know, this costume is a favorite with New York City kids.
This costume is stuff found on the floor of the D-Train.
How are you? Are you having fun tonight?
What's your name?
Lindsey.
Now, when you go out trick-or-treating, what's your favorite snack?
Um, gum.
Gum.
All right, here.
How about 40 feet of garden hose?
There you are. You'll have fun in the yard with that.
Oh, be very careful.
Okay.
Oh, there you are.
Oh, you've got a regular comedy routine here, don't you?
I mean, just turn it by the way.
There you go. Okay.
Oh, darn. I was getting ready to turn in.
Hi. Oh, hi. Hi. Come in here.
Nice to see you.
You've been here every year, haven't you?
Yeah.
Yeah, well, good to have you back.
What's your name?
Latika.
Latika. Good to see you, Latika.
This is my favorite costume.
It helps children celebrate their love of long interstate car rides.
That's right.
This here is the bug-covered windshield costume.
What would you like here?
Let's see if we have a little snack for you.
We have a...
There you go.
It's a meat thermometer.
Okay.
You go right outside and someone will be happy to squeegee you.
Okay?
Okay.
Bye-bye.
Bye-bye.
If you see this costume at your door, please do not be alarmed.
Don't be frightened.
Take a look at this.
It's only Paul Schaefer's shirt, ladies and gentlemen.
That's all this is.
Hi.
How are you doing?
Is your name Doug?
No.
What is your name?
Kintara.
Kintara.
Well, I was darn close, wasn't I?
Kintara, look.
Here for you, we have a highway road flare.
All right.
There you go.
Have a good evening.
Bye-bye.
Nice to see you.
I pray to God there'll be no more trick-or-treaters tonight.
Okay.
Hi.
Come on in.
Oh, look at this.
With the election just around the corner, here's a great costume that's sure to
be very popular
this year.
It's George and Barbara Bush's moving trunk.
But guess what we have for you.
What's your name?
Samantha Taylor Henderson.
Samantha Taylor Henderson?
Oh, you're your own law firm.
That's good.
And, Samantha, for you, we have a jar of live wasps.
Yeah, okay.
Now, if you use these, like I told the other girl, be sure to brush real good
when you're
done.
There she goes.
Bye-bye.
Thanks, honey.
See you at K-Bunkport.
There can't possibly be any more trick-or-treaters.
I just can't imagine.
Oh, okay.
Oh, hi, son.
How are you?
This costume commemorates last summer's controversial Little League World
Series.
He's a member of the world champion Filipino Little League team.
Be careful not to eat too many treats, son.
Oh, look.
For you, we have a can of Brasso Metal Polish.
There you go.
Good luck.
Yes.
Be very careful.
I hope your spokes are with you.
I think he kind of frightened us all, didn't he?
Oh, yeah.
All right.
Hi.
Come on in.
Now, here is a costume for every child interested in public water systems.
It's a New York City water faucet.
Here, let me show you.
Let me just turn this on, all right?
You ready?
Oh, what are you doing?
Do I just turn it on?
Okay.
Is it going to go in the bag?
You're going to drip all over yourself.
It's the New York City water faucet.
Pretty much accurate in every detail.
Well, there you go.
All right.
All right.
Better?
All right.
So turn it off.
There you go.
You're going to electrocute the both of us.
Okay.
Oh, look.
What do we have for you?
We have airplane headphones.
There you go.
Bye-bye.
Okay.
Let's see.
This should just be about it.
Oh, hi.
Come on in, men.
You know, there's not a child alive today who doesn't enjoy a heated discussion
on topical
issues.
That's why this one's a favorite costume this year.
It's the McLaughlin Group, ladies and gentlemen.
Here they are.
I'm going to give everybody some fruit cocktails.
Here, of course, is John McLaughlin right there.
And then we have Pat Buchanan.
And then we have Fred Barnes.
Fred, nice to see you.
Morton Kondracki.
Morton, good to have you with us.
And, of course, Jack Germain.
There you are, kids.
Thank you very much for dropping by.
It's John McLaughlin Group, ladies and gentlemen.
Happy Halloween.
Have you seen the Johnny Depp movie at the Headless Horseman?
That's what this is all about.
It's, of course, the legend of Sleepy Hollow and top ten Headless Horseman, Pet
Peef.
The guy has no head, you see.
Yes.
And he rides around through the woods.
And here are top ten things that aggravate him.
Yeah, here we go.
Number ten, bastards at Rogaine can't come up with ointment to stimulate head
growth.
And number nine, people who use your neck opening as an umbrella stand.
Number eight, drugstore won't give you half off on head and shoulders.
Ouch!
Nobody reading your personal ad knows what HWM means.
And number six, people selling what they claim to be your head on eBay.
Number five, wind blowing across neck stump produces annoying whistle.
Neck stump.
Number four, try a handstand and your heart flops onto the ground.
Number three, People Magazine never honors sexiest undead man.
Number two, you know those insurance commercials where you cannot be turned
down well, headless
people get turned down.
And the number one Headless Horseman, Pet Peef, jerks who yell, heads up.
There you go.
We got a hold of that from the NSA.
That's, oh, hi.
Ladies and gentlemen, one of our stagehands, Pat Farmer, everybody.
Pat?
Hello, Dave.
Hi, Pat.
Good to see you.
Pat, what can I do for you?
Dave, if you've got a minute, my son's backstage trick-or-treating.
You know what?
I don't really have a minute.
We're right in the middle of a show, and Halloween is Thursday.
He's awful cute, Dave.
Oh, is he cute?
He's really?
He's a ghost.
He's a ghost?
He's a ghost.
Hey, how you doing?
Trick-or-treat.
Yeah, okay, well, you know, that is, you're right, that's cute.
Guess what?
I don't have any candy.
I'm sorry.
We take cash.
There you go.
Happy Halloween.
Come on, Dave.
Thanks, Dave.
Happy Holidays.
Yeah, bye-bye.
Thanks, Pat.
He doesn't have a kid, does he?
I don't think so.
The weather in the last week and a half is, we've got that crisp fall kind of nip
in the air,
a whiff of leaf smoke, and the trees turning beautiful colors, and you start to
feel, you know,
this really, for me, is the best time to be in New York City, and you really
start to feel the magic
that is New York City in the autumn time, and right along with the autumn
season,
we have a special treat for you tonight, and I just hope to God this was in the
TV guide for the kids,
because this is really something.
We have a gentleman, a farmer, I believe he's from Hood River, Oregon.
His name is Joe Whitworth, and I'm told that Joe is here tonight,
and he brought with him what is apparently the world's largest pumpkin.
Here, ladies and gentlemen, take a look now.
The world's largest pumpkin.
The pumpkin weighs nearly 40 pounds.
The stem alone of that pumpkin is nearly two inches long.
To give you an idea, to put that in perspective,
that pumpkin is nearly one and a half times the size of a regulation volleyball.
That's the world's largest pumpkin.
Joe, thank you very much for being here.
I appreciate you making the long trip all the way from Oregon.
Now, did you use a lot of fertilizer, like a miracle grow, any chemicals to get
it that big?
No, Dave, I pretty much just grew it like any other pumpkin.
So it's just dumb luck then, huh?
Yep.
And what about the farm?
Is the property crawling with the reporters and tourists and sightseers and
stuff?
Not really, Dave.
Did we have to make any special arrangements to transport that enormous pumpkin
all the way out here that you know of?
I just carried it with me on the plane, Dave.
Okay.
Thank you very much.
Congratulations.
Enjoy yourself while you're in New York City.
The world's largest pumpkin, ladies and gentlemen.
It's pretty good.
Gentlemen, we have a delightful, don't adjust your sets.
There's nothing wrong.
Whoa.
It's the incubus.
We have a stupid, excuse me, one second.
I'm sorry.
Pardon me.
Let's see what the hell this is.
Apparently somebody could have to do it.
All right, all right, all right, all right, I'm here.
Hi, come on in.
That was you banging on the door?
Oh.
You have quite an arm on you.
Inky, where are you, buddy?
Come on over.
I tell you what, we don't have any candy.
We don't have any, well, we had a little gum.
Let me see.
There you go.
That's a joke about Michael Jackson.
Thank you very much.
Be careful.
Have a nice evening.
Bye-bye.
You know, the number one box office blockbuster movie now is that haunting
movie.
The category tonight, top ten signs, the ghost in your house doesn't give a
damn.
Your house may be haunted, but the ghosts don't give a damn.
Okay.
Here are the top ten things to look for here.
Here we go, number ten.
There's a post-it on freezer that reads, boo.
Number nine.
Message in blood on mirror reads, please get HBO.
Number eight.
When you're away, ghost answers phone, take messages, don't give them to you.
Number seven.
Mysterious voice tells you to get out now or don't.
It's really up to you.
Number six.
They give you tape of The Shining to watch while they say summer in the Hamptons.
Number five.
They pick up pace a week before Christmas hoping for a tip.
Number four.
A spirit asks if he can use you as a reference for job interview at Disneyland.
Never give up.
Never, ever, ever give up.
Number three.
The only thing they can think of is to ring your doorbell and run away.
Ah, screw it.
I'm giving up.
Ah, never give up.
Number two.
The only things that make this, they make disappear are the bottles of Bud in
your refrigerator.
And the number one sign that goes from your house, don't give a damn.
Always the same excuse.
We don't have to do anything.
We're dead.
There you have it.
When was it?
Friday?
Boy, it seems like a long time ago.
Friday was Halloween.
How many of you had a chance to go out trick or treating?
Okay, a couple of you.
Oh, my God.
John Cogway.
Kenya.
There he is.
He has to let himself house.
We can't open the door for the marathon winner.
Second fastest time in the history of the event.
208-12.
John Cogway from Kenya, ladies and gentlemen.
I don't know.
Maybe right this way.
No, no.
Let me out!
How many of you had a chance to go trick or treating on Friday?
A lot of fun, wasn't it?
Whenever we have a nice holiday like this, I like to spend some time with a
good friend of ours, Rupert G.
Where is Rupert?
Is Rupert with us tonight?
Come on.
Hey, Rupert, you ran out here.
You're a marathon runner.
How you doing?
You were running the marathon yesterday?
No, I didn't.
You ran out here, though, like the winner.
You ran right out here.
You sprinted right out, you know?
Thank you.
Did you see that guy?
That guy was in shape, wasn't he?
Yeah, he was incredible.
Yeah, he's quick, very quick.
2-0-8-12.
Wow.
Yeah, wow.
That's all you can say.
Rupert and I, for how long has it been?
Three years, whatever it is?
About three and a half.
Three and a half years.
Rupert and I go out, and Rupert puts on this disguise here.
He's got his glasses, got his hat there.
There's a camera.
Somewhere around there's a camera.
And there's an earpiece, and then I sit in the van, and I talk to him with a
walkie-talkie.
We've done that a lot, and it's usually a lot of fun.
You enjoy it, don't you?
Yeah, I get a kick out of it.
So on Friday, since it was Halloween, we said, what the heck, maybe Rupert and
I should go trick-or-treating.
That's exactly what we did.
Here, take a look at the videotape.
Hi, trick-or-treat.
Hi, trick-or-treat.
Hi.
Hi.
Trick-or-treat.
Trick-or-treat.
What do you have there, candy?
What do you have there, candy?
Yeah.
I'm kind of allergic there.
I'm kind of allergic there.
Do you have anything with...
Do you have any whole grain snacks?
Do you have any whole grain snacks?
Yeah, low sugar, whole grain snacks.
Yeah, low sugar, whole grain snacks.
I'm kind of watching my cavities.
I'm kind of watching my cavities.
And I'm having some digestive problems.
And I'm having some digestive problems.
Yeah, sugar just plays hell with me.
You know, sugar just plays hell with me.
So if you have any whole grain, kind of healthy snacks.
Just kind of healthy snacks.
I'd really appreciate those.
I'd really appreciate it.
Toast.
Do you have any like...
Toast.
Wheat toast?
Wheat toast.
Hi.
How are you?
How are you?
Happy Halloween.
Happy Halloween.
Trick or treat.
Trick or treat.
I'm a security guard.
I'm a security guard.
What do you think?
What do you think?
I made it myself.
Yeah, I made it myself.
Is the badge...
Let me ask you a question.
Trick or treating so early.
Is the badge too big?
I'd like to get it out of the way so I can have a drink.
I'd like to get it out of the way so I can have a drink.
Hi, howdy.
Hi and howdy.
Hi and howdy.
Trick or treat.
Trick or treat.
I'm Sheriff Bob.
I'm Sheriff Bob.
Hi and howdy.
Hi and howdy.
I hope you're having a rootin' tootin' great Halloween.
I hope you're having a rootin' tootin' great Halloween.
I'll be out bustin' Bronx and shootin' doggies.
Because later on I'm going to be bustin' Bronx and shootin' doggies.
Dogies.
Dogies.
Hi, happy Halloween.
Hi, happy Halloween.
I'm Sheriff Bob.
I'm Sheriff Bob.
Wild West Sheriff Bob.
Yeah, Wild West Sheriff Bob.
I fell and slipped in the tub and hit my head.
I fell and slipped in the tub and hit my head.
And now I'm the sheriff.
And now I'm the sheriff.
By the way.
By the way.
By the way.
Guess what I'm dressed as.
Guess what I'm dressed as.
Marshall?
Marshall?
No.
Try it again.
Try it again?
No, not a sheriff.
Not a sheriff.
Uh, then I don't know.
I'm a pirate.
I'm a pirate.
Yeah, what do you think?
Yeah, it's good.
Bring on the snacks.
So, bring on the snacks.
Here we go.
Here we go.
I'll just do some deep knee bends while I wait.
I'll just do some deep knee bends while I wait.
Here we go.
I'm Sheriff Bob.
I'm Sheriff Bob.
Yippee-yi-yay.
Yippee-yi-yay.
Hi, ma'am.
Hi.
Happy Halloween.
Happy Halloween.
Trick or treat.
Trick or treat.
Call off the dog.
Call off the dog.
Call off the dog.
Oh, my God.
What is that?
A pickle?
What is that?
A pickle?
Oh, my God.
Is that a wolf?
Oh, my God.
Is that a wolf?
Run off the porch.
He's got rabies.
He's got rabies.
Get that piece away from me.
It's an insane pickle.
It's an insane pickle.
Try to blow up my ass.
Try to blow up my ass.
Try to blow up my ass.
Try to blow up my ass.
Try to blow up my ass.
Try to blow up my ass.
Try to blow up my ass.
You're dressed here as a sheriff, right?
A marshal.
Yeah, a marshal.
But we have other costumes we'll be seeing later.
I forgot to mention that.
But this was your sheriff's outfit.
Okay.
It's a lot of fun.
It was Halloween on Friday.
And this time, what is Rupert dressed as this time?
Anybody know?
Any thoughts?
Dressed as Superman.
Here we go.
More trick or treating fun with Rupert G.
Hi.
Happy Halloween.
Happy Halloween.
Happy Halloween.
Trick or treat.
Thank you.
Trick or treat.
Excuse me.
Excuse me, sir.
Do you have any cigarettes?
Do you have any cigarettes?
Yes.
No.
No?
Like camels?
Like camels, luckies.
Menthol.
Anything menthol?
Anything menthol?
Salem's?
Salem's.
Why would you ask me for cigarettes?
Oh, I just need a smoke.
I just need a smoke.
Hi.
Hi.
How are you?
How are you?
Can I use your bathroom?
Can I use your bathroom?
I just need to freshen up.
I just need to freshen up.
Do you mind?
Do you mind?
Freshen up?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And also, I'm going to need a pocket comb.
And also, I'm going to need a pocket comb.
Do you have a pocket comb?
Do you have a pocket comb?
A pocket comb?
Yeah.
Okay.
But more importantly, let's...
Okay, but more importantly...
Can we make this bathroom thing happen?
Could we make this bathroom thing happen?
Do you mind?
Sure.
Do you mind?
No problem.
Okay, great.
Do you have no problem?
Go on in.
Okay.
Okay, thanks.
Okay, thanks.
Huh?
All right.
Are you in the bathroom?
Yeah, it's a pretty big bathroom.
Yeah.
What are they doing in there?
I don't know.
This is very unusual.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Hi, trick-or-treat.
Hi, trick-or-treat.
Happy Halloween.
Happy Halloween.
Can you guess who I am?
Can you guess who I am?
That's right.
I'm Superman.
That's right.
I'm Superman.
Get ready.
Watch me fly.
Get ready.
Watch me fly.
Take a look at this.
Count to three, son.
One.
One.
Two.
Here we go.
Here we go.
Here we go.
Big circle.
Big circle.
Big circle.
Big circle.
Eeeeee.
All over the yard.
Here we go.
Yeah, big circles here.
Big circle.
Yeah, those are stage directions, Rupert.
I'm sorry.
Here we go.
Here we go.
What do you think, kids?
Look, I'm Superman.
What do you think, kids?
Look, I'm Superman.
There we go.
Eeeeee.
Oh, one more thing before I go.
Oh, before I go.
Could I have a beer?
Could I have a beer?
Do you have any beer?
Do you have any beer?
We don't have any beer.
We're not drinkers.
Oh, you're not drinkers?
No wine?
No wine?
No, nothing.
No cognac?
No cognac?
No.
No brandy?
No?
No.
Do you have any sleeping medications?
Do you have any sleeping medications?
Happy Halloween.
Happy Halloween.
Happy Halloween.
Happy Halloween to you.
Happy trick or treat.
Happy trick or treat to you.
Happy goblin day to you.
Happy goblin day, happy goblin day to you.
Happy ghosty day, happy ghosty day, happy ghosty day, happy ghosty day to you.
Happy pumpkin day, happy pumpkin day, happy pumpkin day to you.
Thanks for treating with our good friend, Rupert.
Very nice.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.

Dave's Fun And Festive Halloween Treats | David Letterman

You know, uh, this Saturday night, all across the nation, Americans will be
terrified by the inhuman screeching of bizarre voices.
No, no, not another presidential debate.
Of course, I'm talking about Halloween, and what better time than right now
here tonight
to take a look at some of the costumes you'll be seeing on the little trick-or-treaters
come Saturday night.
Now, please come with me to the Letterman home. Here we go. Right back here.
Hi, hi, hi, and welcome to Dave's house.
Many of you have stayed here.
Okay, now here's what we do. We just wait for the trick-or-treaters.
There's one right there.
Hi, come right on in.
Nice to see you. Thanks for dropping by.
You know, for my money, nothing says mid-November like our first costume here.
It's the two-week-old jack-o'-lantern.
You just can't beat the aroma of rotting pumpkins.
Hi, how are you?
What's your name?
Elizabeth.
Elizabeth, you're a lovely girl, and we have something for you.
How about this? It's a Paul Songhus bumper sticker.
Let's see if I can't just put that there on your pumpkin. Do you mind? There
you go. Be very careful. Nice to see you. Bye-bye.
I get so nervous whenever I have company here at the house. Hi. Oh, look at
this. This costume is an excellent way to introduce your kiddies to the
important world of self-defense.
It's the stun gun. Young puns and hardened criminals alike will cower with fear.
All right, let's see if we have something. Oh, I think I have something for you
right here. It's a pouch of red man chewing tobacco.
Yeah, yeah. You quite love it.
Now, do me a favor. If you use this, be sure and brush real good afterwards,
okay?
Okay.
All right. Bye-bye. Be careful. Good night.
Look at that. Look at that, Paul. I got lake property.
I love it.
How about that?
Ah, the lake is... There's the lake back there. All right.
Okay.
Hi there.
Well, you know, this costume is a favorite with New York City kids.
This costume is stuff found on the floor of the D-Train.
How are you? Are you having fun tonight?
What's your name?
Lindsey.
Now, when you go out trick-or-treating, what's your favorite snack?
Um, gum.
Gum.
All right, here.
How about 40 feet of garden hose?
There you are. You'll have fun in the yard with that.
Oh, be very careful.
Okay.
Oh, there you are.
Oh, you've got a regular comedy routine here, don't you?
I mean, just turn it by the way.
There you go. Okay.
Oh, darn. I was getting ready to turn in.
Hi. Oh, hi. Hi. Come in here.
Nice to see you.
You've been here every year, haven't you?
Yeah.
Yeah, well, good to have you back.
What's your name?
Latika.
Latika. Good to see you, Latika.
This is my favorite costume.
It helps children celebrate their love of long interstate car rides.
That's right.
This here is the bug-covered windshield costume.
What would you like here?
Let's see if we have a little snack for you.
We have a...
There you go.
It's a meat thermometer.
Okay.
You go right outside and someone will be happy to squeegee you.
Okay?
Okay.
Bye-bye.
Bye-bye.
If you see this costume at your door, please do not be alarmed.
Don't be frightened.
Take a look at this.
It's only Paul Schaefer's shirt, ladies and gentlemen.
That's all this is.
Hi.
How are you doing?
Is your name Doug?
No.
What is your name?
Kintara.
Kintara.
Well, I was darn close, wasn't I?
Kintara, look.
Here for you, we have a highway road flare.
All right.
There you go.
Have a good evening.
Bye-bye.
Nice to see you.
I pray to God there'll be no more trick-or-treaters tonight.
Okay.
Hi.
Come on in.
Oh, look at this.
With the election just around the corner, here's a great costume that's sure to
be very popular
this year.
It's George and Barbara Bush's moving trunk.
But guess what we have for you.
What's your name?
Samantha Taylor Henderson.
Samantha Taylor Henderson?
Oh, you're your own law firm.
That's good.
And, Samantha, for you, we have a jar of live wasps.
Yeah, okay.
Now, if you use these, like I told the other girl, be sure to brush real good
when you're
done.
There she goes.
Bye-bye.
Thanks, honey.
See you at K-Bunkport.
There can't possibly be any more trick-or-treaters.
I just can't imagine.
Oh, okay.
Oh, hi, son.
How are you?
This costume commemorates last summer's controversial Little League World
Series.
He's a member of the world champion Filipino Little League team.
Be careful not to eat too many treats, son.
Oh, look.
For you, we have a can of Brasso Metal Polish.
There you go.
Good luck.
Yes.
Be very careful.
I hope your spokes are with you.
I think he kind of frightened us all, didn't he?
Oh, yeah.
All right.
Hi.
Come on in.
Now, here is a costume for every child interested in public water systems.
It's a New York City water faucet.
Here, let me show you.
Let me just turn this on, all right?
You ready?
Oh, what are you doing?
Do I just turn it on?
Okay.
Is it going to go in the bag?
You're going to drip all over yourself.
It's the New York City water faucet.
Pretty much accurate in every detail.
Well, there you go.
All right.
All right.
Better?
All right.
So turn it off.
There you go.
You're going to electrocute the both of us.
Okay.
Oh, look.
What do we have for you?
We have airplane headphones.
There you go.
Bye-bye.
Okay.
Let's see.
This should just be about it.
Oh, hi.
Come on in, men.
You know, there's not a child alive today who doesn't enjoy a heated discussion
on topical
issues.
That's why this one's a favorite costume this year.
It's the McLaughlin Group, ladies and gentlemen.
Here they are.
I'm going to give everybody some fruit cocktails.
Here, of course, is John McLaughlin right there.
And then we have Pat Buchanan.
And then we have Fred Barnes.
Fred, nice to see you.
Morton Kondracki.
Morton, good to have you with us.
And, of course, Jack Germain.
There you are, kids.
Thank you very much for dropping by.
It's John McLaughlin Group, ladies and gentlemen.
Happy Halloween.
Have you seen the Johnny Depp movie at the Headless Horseman?
That's what this is all about.
It's, of course, the legend of Sleepy Hollow and top ten Headless Horseman, Pet
Peef.
The guy has no head, you see.
Yes.
And he rides around through the woods.
And here are top ten things that aggravate him.
Yeah, here we go.
Number ten, bastards at Rogaine can't come up with ointment to stimulate head
growth.
And number nine, people who use your neck opening as an umbrella stand.
Number eight, drugstore won't give you half off on head and shoulders.
Ouch!
Nobody reading your personal ad knows what HWM means.
And number six, people selling what they claim to be your head on eBay.
Number five, wind blowing across neck stump produces annoying whistle.
Neck stump.
Number four, try a handstand and your heart flops onto the ground.
Number three, People Magazine never honors sexiest undead man.
Number two, you know those insurance commercials where you cannot be turned
down well, headless
people get turned down.
And the number one Headless Horseman, Pet Peef, jerks who yell, heads up.
There you go.
We got a hold of that from the NSA.
That's, oh, hi.
Ladies and gentlemen, one of our stagehands, Pat Farmer, everybody.
Pat?
Hello, Dave.
Hi, Pat.
Good to see you.
Pat, what can I do for you?
Dave, if you've got a minute, my son's backstage trick-or-treating.
You know what?
I don't really have a minute.
We're right in the middle of a show, and Halloween is Thursday.
He's awful cute, Dave.
Oh, is he cute?
He's really?
He's a ghost.
He's a ghost?
He's a ghost.
Hey, how you doing?
Trick-or-treat.
Yeah, okay, well, you know, that is, you're right, that's cute.
Guess what?
I don't have any candy.
I'm sorry.
We take cash.
There you go.
Happy Halloween.
Come on, Dave.
Thanks, Dave.
Happy Holidays.
Yeah, bye-bye.
Thanks, Pat.
He doesn't have a kid, does he?
I don't think so.
The weather in the last week and a half is, we've got that crisp fall kind of nip
in the air,
a whiff of leaf smoke, and the trees turning beautiful colors, and you start to
feel, you know,
this really, for me, is the best time to be in New York City, and you really
start to feel the magic
that is New York City in the autumn time, and right along with the autumn
season,
we have a special treat for you tonight, and I just hope to God this was in the
TV guide for the kids,
because this is really something.
We have a gentleman, a farmer, I believe he's from Hood River, Oregon.
His name is Joe Whitworth, and I'm told that Joe is here tonight,
and he brought with him what is apparently the world's largest pumpkin.
Here, ladies and gentlemen, take a look now.
The world's largest pumpkin.
The pumpkin weighs nearly 40 pounds.
The stem alone of that pumpkin is nearly two inches long.
To give you an idea, to put that in perspective,
that pumpkin is nearly one and a half times the size of a regulation volleyball.
That's the world's largest pumpkin.
Joe, thank you very much for being here.
I appreciate you making the long trip all the way from Oregon.
Now, did you use a lot of fertilizer, like a miracle grow, any chemicals to get
it that big?
No, Dave, I pretty much just grew it like any other pumpkin.
So it's just dumb luck then, huh?
Yep.
And what about the farm?
Is the property crawling with the reporters and tourists and sightseers and
stuff?
Not really, Dave.
Did we have to make any special arrangements to transport that enormous pumpkin
all the way out here that you know of?
I just carried it with me on the plane, Dave.
Okay.
Thank you very much.
Congratulations.
Enjoy yourself while you're in New York City.
The world's largest pumpkin, ladies and gentlemen.
It's pretty good.
Gentlemen, we have a delightful, don't adjust your sets.
There's nothing wrong.
Whoa.
It's the incubus.
We have a stupid, excuse me, one second.
I'm sorry.
Pardon me.
Let's see what the hell this is.
Apparently somebody could have to do it.
All right, all right, all right, all right, I'm here.
Hi, come on in.
That was you banging on the door?
Oh.
You have quite an arm on you.
Inky, where are you, buddy?
Come on over.
I tell you what, we don't have any candy.
We don't have any, well, we had a little gum.
Let me see.
There you go.
That's a joke about Michael Jackson.
Thank you very much.
Be careful.
Have a nice evening.
Bye-bye.
You know, the number one box office blockbuster movie now is that haunting
movie.
The category tonight, top ten signs, the ghost in your house doesn't give a
damn.
Your house may be haunted, but the ghosts don't give a damn.
Okay.
Here are the top ten things to look for here.
Here we go, number ten.
There's a post-it on freezer that reads, boo.
Number nine.
Message in blood on mirror reads, please get HBO.
Number eight.
When you're away, ghost answers phone, take messages, don't give them to you.
Number seven.
Mysterious voice tells you to get out now or don't.
It's really up to you.
Number six.
They give you tape of The Shining to watch while they say summer in the Hamptons.
Number five.
They pick up pace a week before Christmas hoping for a tip.
Number four.
A spirit asks if he can use you as a reference for job interview at Disneyland.
Never give up.
Never, ever, ever give up.
Number three.
The only thing they can think of is to ring your doorbell and run away.
Ah, screw it.
I'm giving up.
Ah, never give up.
Number two.
The only things that make this, they make disappear are the bottles of Bud in
your refrigerator.
And the number one sign that goes from your house, don't give a damn.
Always the same excuse.
We don't have to do anything.
We're dead.
There you have it.
When was it?
Friday?
Boy, it seems like a long time ago.
Friday was Halloween.
How many of you had a chance to go out trick or treating?
Okay, a couple of you.
Oh, my God.
John Cogway.
Kenya.
There he is.
He has to let himself house.
We can't open the door for the marathon winner.
Second fastest time in the history of the event.
208-12.
John Cogway from Kenya, ladies and gentlemen.
I don't know.
Maybe right this way.
No, no.
Let me out!
How many of you had a chance to go trick or treating on Friday?
A lot of fun, wasn't it?
Whe