Name: Dave's Halloween Treats With Martin Short And More | David Letterman
Uploaded: 2025-10-31T15:01:10.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Dave's Halloween Treats With Martin Short And More | David Letterman' from Letterman on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-10-31. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Dave's Halloween Treats With Martin Short And More | David Letterman' from Letterman on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-10-31. Transcript available.

It's a dark and stormy night, and all over New York City, bizarrely costumed
juveniles are demanding everything they can get from residents and tourists.
Pretty much like any other night here in New York City.
But yes, it's Halloween, and tonight, as a public service, we are going to show
you some of the new and popular costumes kids will be wearing tonight.
Let's walk now to the Letterman living room. It's right back here. Join me, won't
you?
Walk this way. We're going to be...
Here it is.
Finally, this is my brand new New York City apartment. It's finally done, Paul.
What do you think?
Oh, I love what you've done with the place.
Thank you very much. All right, let's wait for the first little...
My gosh, there's the bell. Let's see who we...
Hi, come on in.
Well, look at this, ladies and gentlemen.
It's big, it's spicy, it's America's favorite meat snack.
The Slim Jim.
Hi, honey, how are you?
Let's see, for you, we have a container of contact lens solution. There you go.
Enjoy that. Thank you very much. Happy Halloween.
All right.
Now, you see, Paul, if that's the only trick or...
Oh, I was going to say, if that were the only trick or treater, I could go to
bed.
Hi, come on in.
Yeah, I think you probably guessed this one, and you're going to be seeing a
lot of this costume this year.
Of course, it's Jimmy Hoffa's tomb. You see, that's a...
Hi, are you in there?
You know what we have for you is some pate. Do you like pate?
All right, let me scoop you up some. Turn loose of the bag there. We have it
over here.
Would you like one or two scoops?
All right, two scoops.
The man is apparently a pate fancier and would like the additional scoop.
There you are.
All right, enjoy that. Thank you very much.
Be careful now.
Happy Halloween.
Hi, come on in. Nice to see you. How are you?
You know, ladies and gentlemen, safety-conscious youngsters love wearing this
costume.
It's a person receiving the Heimlich maneuver.
Okay, and here for you, son, we have a lovely garlic press.
I hope you enjoy that.
Be careful now, trick-or-treating.
Happy Halloween.
Hi, come on in. Hi, sweetheart. How are you?
Hi.
Well, this is certainly interesting, and I guess, as you can tell from this,
obviously a very familiar sight.
It's a piece of gum stuck to the bottom of a chair.
That's a very nice costume.
All right.
And what is your name?
Latika.
Latika?
Yeah.
How old are you?
Five.
Five years old.
All right, we have for you some clams. Do you enjoy clams?
Yeah, I love clams.
I'm sorry?
I love clams.
What five-year-old doesn't?
All right, now, Latika, how many clams would you like?
I would like three clams.
Three clams. All right.
Let's count them out now.
One.
Oh, don't eat that one.
Two.
All right, did you see?
That one is still alive.
Jumped right out of my hand.
Okay, there you are.
Now, be careful.
You have the clams up here on your chair.
Okay.
All right, happy clamming.
Bye-bye.
Bye-bye.
Bye-bye.
Bye-bye.
Oh, there's the belly.
Again.
Oh, hi.
How are you?
Oh, this is nice.
Oh, this is nice.
Here's an enchanting costume.
It's a gas station restroom key.
Oh, this is nice.
I think this is probably the best gift we're passing out tonight.
It's a $25 gift certificate from Jacobian Myers.
There you go.
For all your litigation needs, it's Jacobian Myers.
Do you like clams?
Happy Halloween to you.
Get this door fixed.
Hi, come on in.
Stand right over here.
You know, it's a known fact that kids love TV stars, and, well, who's their
favorite?
I think this Halloween, you'll find it's this guy right here, Nightline's Ted Koppel.
Let's see.
What do we have to, uh, I'll tell you what, I'm going to give you one of these.
They've been in the family for years.
We'll just take one of these up there.
Hope you enjoy that.
It's beautiful, isn't it?
Yes.
Happy Halloween.
Hi, how are you?
Hi.
You know, uh, anybody who owns a dishwasher is familiar with this common hot
water mishap.
It's the melted spatula.
Wait a minute.
Hold it.
Here, we have something.
You know what we're going to give to you?
We have, uh, William Shatner's first novel called Tech War.
Do you enjoy, uh, William Shatner?
Thank you.
Thank you.
Bye-bye.
We're running out of stuff.
Oh, my goodness.
What is this?
Come on in, kids.
Oh, look at this.
This is quite a production, right?
Stand right here.
Now, what do we have here exactly?
I'm piping hot.
You're piping hot.
I'm nice and cool.
You're nice and cool.
Oh, it's a McDLT.
Isn't that cute?
Do you want fries with that?
I don't think so.
Clams?
Let's see what we have for you kids.
Look, we have lovely shower caps.
Here's one for you.
There you go.
And a shower cap for you.
Be very careful now.
Trick-or-treat.
Happy Halloween.
We had an extra costume trick-or-treating tonight, and it didn't make the cut,
but we thought
we'd show it to you anyway.
The little costumer, the little trick-or-treater is Tiffany Lou.
Tiffany, oh, Tiffany, are you there?
Here's Tiffany.
Come on in.
Where is she?
Oh, there she is.
Now.
Isn't she sweet?
Very cute.
Hi, Tiffany.
How are you?
Now, Tiffany didn't make the cut.
Paul, do you have any idea what that costume is?
It's, um, is it a piece of popcorn?
Yeah, it looks like a piece of popcorn.
This was supposed to be a globule of low-density cholesterol.
Tiffany, I'm sorry you didn't get to come by and trick-or-treat.
It was nice to have you with us, though.
You couldn't be any cuter.
And it's the big show.
And it's time to leave now.
Okay?
All right, here, let me show you out, all right?
Okay?
Here we go, right over here.
Have you ever been more frightened?
Come on.
Bye-bye.
On the other hand, who in the vast North American viewing audience
may have seen a globule of low-density cholesterol?
That's right.
So who would know, really?
So we probably could have gotten away with it.
Once you know, it looks just like it.
All right, thank you very much.
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.
By the way, happy Halloween.
I hope you're having...
And because it is Halloween, we've done something extra special.
Our cue card boy, kid man, Tony Inky Mendez.
Look at this, ladies and gentlemen.
Look at that beautiful...
You know, the sad thing is he wears it every damn day.
Tonight we said, okay, you can be on the show with a silly little thing.
Well, the gum is a nice touch.
It's just...
Yes, it's the...
Oh, yeah.
Ladies and gentlemen, he's dressed as the president of Mensa.
You know, oddly enough, it doesn't bother me.
Oh, you worked out a little business for that, didn't you?
I'm very proud of yourself.
Let's see the ball bouncing around on your face again.
Yeah, there you go.
He's born in a trunk, wasn't he?
But I was thinking about this over the last couple of years at my house where I
live.
I don't get as many trick-or-treaters as I used to, and I was...
I don't know.
Could it be the electric fence?
Could be.
It's kind of an ugly one, isn't it?
Is that a costume ball?
Seriously.
Spike costume.
Ladies and gentlemen, it's Halloween, and I want to take this second here to
plead my cause.
I'm tired of the trick-or-treaters coming to my house.
I like the little fairy princesses and the little ghosts and the little pirates
and on and on.
But if you're old, if you're driving to my house to trick-or-treat, I don't
want you.
Do you understand what I'm saying?
If you're actually driving and smoking on your way over to my house, do me a
favor.
Don't even get out of the Taurus.
Just hit the road, go down the street.
I'm tired of talking to ex-marines when they come trick-or-treating.
You know what I'm saying?
The truth of it is, and I don't really...
Oh, great.
That's a very nice touch.
That's really...
That's lovely for the kids.
That's just...
That's just fine.
Letter number two.
Letter number two.
Dear Dave.
Hi, Dave.
Since Halloween is coming up, coming up.
Are you kidding, my friend?
It's here, buddy.
Plug in.
Get on the rocket ship, my man.
It's here, pal.
Since Halloween is coming up and I was wondering what you do on Halloween.
See you later.
Chaz D. Kubelis, Newport Ritchie.
Newport Ritchie, Florida.
The question is, what do I do on Halloween?
And pretty much the same every year.
I was thinking about what I did last year on Halloween.
And gosh, I had a pretty nice night, as I recall.
Hello?
Good evening, Mr. Letterman.
I'm calling from MCI to tell you about our new long-distance race.
Can I tell you right after the show, I got to beat it downtown?
You mentioned, yeah.
That's a pretty good piece of acting, though, wouldn't it?
Yeah, I'm quite a thespian in my own right.
I don't think I get enough credit for my acting ability.
Do you think that, pal?
No.
A category from the home office in Wahoo, Nebraska.
Top ten signs you're too old to be trick-or-treating.
This is exactly what I've been ranting about.
Yeah.
Top ten signs you're too old now to be trick-or-treating.
Here we go, number ten.
You get winded from knocking on the door.
Number nine.
You have to have another kid chew the candy for you.
Number eight.
You ask for high-fiber candy only.
Number seven.
When somebody drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your balance and fall
over.
Number six.
People say, great Keith Richards mask, and you're not wearing a mask.
Number five.
When the door opens, you tell, you yell, trick, or, and you can't remember the
rest.
Number four.
By the end of the night, you have a bag full of restraining orders.
Well, that's kind of an unpleasant notion there, isn't it?
Number three.
You have to carefully choose a costume that won't dislodge your hairpiece.
Number two.
You're the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with a walker.
And...
The number one sign you're too old to be trick-or-treating.
You avoid going to houses where your ex-wives live.
Wow.
Okay, now here's what the deal was last night, and this was going to be great.
We had a 1,030-pound pumpkin, over a half a ton of pumpkin.
And we had it out there on 53rd Street, and we were going to blow it up with
one stick of dynamite.
The guy who raised it is named Scott Armstrong.
He lives out on Long Island, and he raised this in his mother's backyard, and
he said,
I got nothing to do with it, and you can't eat the thing.
So he brought it in, and he said, just blow it up.
So, here, turn on.
This is from last night.
This is what we were going to do last night.
There's the pumpkin, and as you can see, it started to rain.
Well, that's when our problems began, because then the fire department came in
and said,
you know, this pumpkin, this pumpkin is generating electricity.
What do you mean?
It's, they said it's about five or ten volts of electricity running through the
pumpkin.
What, was it hooked up to something?
No, it's not hooked up to anything.
Not hooked up to any wires.
It's just sitting there.
No, no, no.
Right away, I'm thinking, terrorism?
That's the first thing that came to...
Of course.
They're electrifying our vegetables.
So, it's crazy.
So, now here's what happened.
They had the guys come out and inspect it today, and sure enough, you know, on
the curb,
before you go into the street, you get the curb, there's that iron cap that
runs along
the corner of the curb, right there at the perpendicular, where you have the
horizontal
and the vertical.
Yeah.
Right there, it is right there.
Well, there is a five-volt current running through there at all times.
Really?
At all times.
Really?
And because of the rain, the rain, the water was acting as a conductor, and it
was electrifying
the pumpkin, which...
That's crazy.
That's insane.
I'm just telling you what they told me.
Well, first of all, why is there a current running through that thing?
I...
That I can't help you with.
At all times.
I have no idea.
That's kind of like a third rail.
Well, that's the city that never sleeps.
That's why.
Boy, I'll say.
Whoa.
So, anyway, that meant that to arm it, the thing might explode right while the
guy was
there alarming it.
So, we couldn't do it.
That's right.
So, now, I believe, is the weather all right?
So, we're going to do it okay.
We got everybody's approval.
Everybody has signed off on this.
All right.
Now, let's take a shot of it right now.
There's the pumpkin right there.
And sometime tonight, if you kids are good, we're going to put a stick of dynamite
in there
and blow up the pumpkin.
And once again, as you can see, we've shut down 53rd Street for two days in a
row now.
Nobody can get in or out of the city because we're blowing up the giant pumpkin.
So, that's what we'll be doing.
57 inches high, 40 inches wide, 55 inches deep, a circumference of 144 inches.
We're using eight ounces of black powder, the equivalent one stick of dynamite,
ladies and gentlemen.
I've got to see.
Oh, it's going to be great.
Yeah.
You're going to stay up for this?
I'm going to stay up for this one.
Yeah.
All right.
Let's go back out on to 53rd Street.
Is everything ready now to explode the pumpkin?
Now, how did I just give the signal?
And then they will set off the charge?
Who's setting off the charge?
A gentleman named Russ.
Isn't that an old limerick?
A gentleman named Russ.
Da-da-da-da-da-da.
Had to wear a truss.
But they're, okay.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Woo-hoo!
Wow.
Well, forget the five volts of electricity.
He's got eight ounces of black powder.
Doesn't matter, yeah.
Sure.
Yeah, okay.
No smoking.
Doesn't matter.
That was Russ, apparently.
Okay.
That's Russ.
And we're ready to go?
We're ready to go right now?
All right, let me see the shot again.
Let me see the shot again.
Okay, I'll tell you what.
Let's do a commercial, and then we'll blow it up.
Because it's too good to throw it away right now.
Okay.
The moment we've been waiting for.
Two days in the making.
Turn on the camera.
Let's see what's happening outside.
Are we ready to go?
Is everybody ready?
Paul, are you ready?
I am ready, sir.
You want to put on your safety goggles?
I think it would be wise, yeah.
Probably not a bad idea.
Okay.
I'm ready.
Anton, take it away.
Here we go.
Let's see.
Oh, you're talking.
Let's take a look at that again in slow motion, instant replay.
There's your half ton of pumpkin.
Oh.
It just gets better and better.
Was anyone injured, Barbara?
Have we had early reports?
Everything seems to be okay?
Is Russ still able to smoke?
It's all right.
There he is.
He seems to be okay.
There's your 1,000-pound pumpkin, ladies and gentlemen.
David's here, actually.
He's here?
Yeah.
Really?
What is he doing in town?
He came with you, obviously.
He came with me, but we were so dadgum excited about that pumpkin.
Oh, the pumpkin.
He couldn't stay away.
Did he get a chance to see it?
Yeah.
Where did he watch?
Well, I watched from my room.
Yeah.
My dressing room here.
So, back home.
And I was petrified because it was really loud and big.
And he was down there somewhere.
I don't know.
He was on the street.
Yeah.
He really wanted to see it.
Really?
Yeah.
Is he on the tape?
He's on the tape.
Oh, let me take a look at it again.
Do you mind if we take a look at it again?
Oh, yeah.
Because I think maybe we can just catch a glimpse of it.
Let's take it.
This should be David Arquette somewhere in here.
You point him out when you see him.
There's the pumpkin.
Oh, there he is.
Right there.
Great show, David.
Wow.
Yeah.
I didn't see that the first time.
Let me ask you a question.
Yeah, yeah.
You've sung for us Christmas is a Lady.
That was...
Can I give you the date?
Yeah.
That was in December of 95.
There you go.
You've...
The second...
The second in the trilogy...
Is it unimportant or important...
Have I got an wrong order?
You started Broadway...
Broadway is a Lady.
Your third show at CBS...
Broadway is a Lady.
Was Broadway is a Lady.
Okay.
Then...
September, 93.
Then Christmas is a Lady.
Yeah.
Tonight...
Filling the trilogy.
Yeah.
This will be it now.
Yeah.
This completes the trilogy.
Yeah.
What do you have?
Halloween is a Lady.
Wow.
That is wonderful.
Marty Schwartz.
Halloween is a Lady.
Thank you, Dave.
You know...
Trick-or-treating is a phenomenal, phenomenal thing.
And it's an institute...
Should I...
Can I sit right...
No.
No, I'll go right over there.
You know...
In my business, or in our business...
When an institution lasts for many, many years, we like to call it a tradition.
You know, I've always had a very warm spot for Halloween, because it's...
I don't know if you remember.
This is the first time Dave and I met at the annual Jim Neighbors Halloween
party.
I remember Dave had come as the Tin Man from The Wizard of Oz, and he was so
cute saying,
bang on my heart if you think I'm perfect.
You know, he kept doing that.
People didn't respond, but they thought it was fun.
The point being, that when you think about Halloween, Pappy, you think about a
day that means so much to the inner child.
Listen to the lyrics, see if you don't agree.
Paul?
You've got a treat Lady Halloween kindly.
You've got to give her your respect.
Then she'll ride your broom like no witch ever has.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
I love this love.
You have to carve her pumpkin gently with a knife that's extra thick.
Then she'll gladly trick your treat and light your wick.
So in closing, Mr. Letterman, here's a tip from a goblin who knows.
This ghoul will jack your lantern down to your toes.
Just remember, Halloween is a lady.
Halloween is a lady.
So don't cross her black cat, Pappy.
Or you'll make this dame unhappy.
And you'll kiss your lady.
Bye-bye.
Martin Short, ladies and gentlemen.
Opening November 12th?
November 12th.
November 12th.
Little me.
Always a pleasure.
Thank you, Martin.
Thank you.
Thank you.

Dave's Halloween Treats With Martin Short And More | David Letterman

It's a dark and stormy night, and all over New York City, bizarrely costumed
juveniles are demanding everything they can get from residents and tourists.
Pretty much like any other night here in New York City.
But yes, it's Halloween, and tonight, as a public service, we are going to show
you some of the new and popular costumes kids will be wearing tonight.
Let's walk now to the Letterman living room. It's right back here. Join me, won't
you?
Walk this way. We're going to be...
Here it is.
Finally, this is my brand new New York City apartment. It's finally done, Paul.
What do you think?
Oh, I love what you've done with the place.
Thank you very much. All right, let's wait for the first little...
My gosh, there's the bell. Let's see who we...
Hi, come on in.
Well, look at this, ladies and gentlemen.
It's big, it's spicy, it's America's favorite meat snack.
The Slim Jim.
Hi, honey, how are you?
Let's see, for you, we have a container of contact lens solution. There you go.
Enjoy that. Thank you very much. Happy Halloween.
All right.
Now, you see, Paul, if that's the only trick or...
Oh, I was going to say, if that were the only trick or treater, I could go to
bed.
Hi, come on in.
Yeah, I think you probably guessed this one, and you're going to be seeing a
lot of this costume this year.
Of course, it's Jimmy Hoffa's tomb. You see, that's a...
Hi, are you in there?
You know what we have for you is some pate. Do you like pate?
All right, let me scoop you up some. Turn loose of the bag there. We have it
over here.
Would you like one or two scoops?
All right, two scoops.
The man is apparently a pate fancier and would like the additional scoop.
There you are.
All right, enjoy that. Thank you very much.
Be careful now.
Happy Halloween.
Hi, come on in. Nice to see you. How are you?
You know, ladies and gentlemen, safety-conscious youngsters love wearing this
costume.
It's a person receiving the Heimlich maneuver.
Okay, and here for you, son, we have a lovely garlic press.
I hope you enjoy that.
Be careful now, trick-or-treating.
Happy Halloween.
Hi, come on in. Hi, sweetheart. How are you?
Hi.
Well, this is certainly interesting, and I guess, as you can tell from this,
obviously a very familiar sight.
It's a piece of gum stuck to the bottom of a chair.
That's a very nice costume.
All right.
And what is your name?
Latika.
Latika?
Yeah.
How old are you?
Five.
Five years old.
All right, we have for you some clams. Do you enjoy clams?
Yeah, I love clams.
I'm sorry?
I love clams.
What five-year-old doesn't?
All right, now, Latika, how many clams would you like?
I would like three clams.
Three clams. All right.
Let's count them out now.
One.
Oh, don't eat that one.
Two.
All right, did you see?
That one is still alive.
Jumped right out of my hand.
Okay, there you are.
Now, be careful.
You have the clams up here on your chair.
Okay.
All right, happy clamming.
Bye-bye.
Bye-bye.
Bye-bye.
Bye-bye.
Oh, there's the belly.
Again.
Oh, hi.
How are you?
Oh, this is nice.
Oh, this is nice.
Here's an enchanting costume.
It's a gas station restroom key.
Oh, this is nice.
I think this is probably the best gift we're passing out tonight.
It's a $25 gift certificate from Jacobian Myers.
There you go.
For all your litigation needs, it's Jacobian Myers.
Do you like clams?
Happy Halloween to you.
Get this door fixed.
Hi, come on in.
Stand right over here.
You know, it's a known fact that kids love TV stars, and, well, who's their
favorite?
I think this Halloween, you'll find it's this guy right here, Nightline's Ted Koppel.
Let's see.
What do we have to, uh, I'll tell you what, I'm going to give you one of these.
They've been in the family for years.
We'll just take one of these up there.
Hope you enjoy that.
It's beautiful, isn't it?
Yes.
Happy Halloween.
Hi, how are you?
Hi.
You know, uh, anybody who owns a dishwasher is familiar with this common hot
water mishap.
It's the melted spatula.
Wait a minute.
Hold it.
Here, we have something.
You know what we're going to give to you?
We have, uh, William Shatner's first novel called Tech War.
Do you enjoy, uh, William Shatner?
Thank you.
Thank you.
Bye-bye.
We're running out of stuff.
Oh, my goodness.
What is this?
Come on in, kids.
Oh, look at this.
This is quite a production, right?
Stand right here.
Now, what do we have here exactly?
I'm piping hot.
You're piping hot.
I'm nice and cool.
You're nice and cool.
Oh, it's a McDLT.
Isn't that cute?
Do you want fries with that?
I don't think so.
Clams?
Let's see what we have for you kids.
Look, we have lovely shower caps.
Here's one for you.
There you go.
And a shower cap for you.
Be very careful now.
Trick-or-treat.
Happy Halloween.
We had an extra costume trick-or-treating tonight, and it didn't make the cut,
but we thought
we'd show it to you anyway.
The little costumer, the little trick-or-treater is Tiffany Lou.
Tiffany, oh, Tiffany, are you there?
Here's Tiffany.
Come on in.
Where is she?
Oh, there she is.
Now.
Isn't she sweet?
Very cute.
Hi, Tiffany.
How are you?
Now, Tiffany didn't make the cut.
Paul, do you have any idea what that costume is?
It's, um, is it a piece of popcorn?
Yeah, it looks like a piece of popcorn.
This was supposed to be a globule of low-density cholesterol.
Tiffany, I'm sorry you didn't get to come by and trick-or-treat.
It was nice to have you with us, though.
You couldn't be any cuter.
And it's the big show.
And it's time to leave now.
Okay?
All right, here, let me show you out, all right?
Okay?
Here we go, right over here.
Have you ever been more frightened?
Come on.
Bye-bye.
On the other hand, who in the vast North American viewing audience
may have seen a globule of low-density cholesterol?
That's right.
So who would know, really?
So we probably could have gotten away with it.
Once you know, it looks just like it.
All right, thank you very much.
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.
By the way, happy Halloween.
I hope you're having...
And because it is Halloween, we've done something extra special.
Our cue card boy, kid man, Tony Inky Mendez.
Look at this, ladies and gentlemen.
Look at that beautiful...
You know, the sad thing is he wears it every damn day.
Tonight we said, okay, you can be on the show with a silly little thing.
Well, the gum is a nice touch.
It's just...
Yes, it's the...
Oh, yeah.
Ladies and gentlemen, he's dressed as the president of Mensa.
You know, oddly enough, it doesn't bother me.
Oh, you worked out a little business for that, didn't you?
I'm very proud of yourself.
Let's see the ball bouncing around on your face again.
Yeah, there you go.
He's born in a trunk, wasn't he?
But I was thinking about this over the last couple of years at my house where I
live.
I don't get as many trick-or-treaters as I used to, and I was...
I don't know.
Could it be the electric fence?
Could be.
It's kind of an ugly one, isn't it?
Is that a costume ball?
Seriously.
Spike costume.
Ladies and gentlemen, it's Halloween, and I want to take this second here to
plead my cause.
I'm tired of the trick-or-treaters coming to my house.
I like the little fairy princesses and the little ghosts and the little pirates
and on and on.
But if you're old, if you're driving to my house to trick-or-treat, I don't
want you.
Do you understand what I'm saying?
If you're actually driving and smoking on your way over to my house, do me a
favor.
Don't even get out of the Taurus.
Just hit the road, go down the street.
I'm tired of talking to ex-marines when they come trick-or-treating.
You know what I'm saying?
The truth of it is, and I don't really...
Oh, great.
That's a very nice touch.
That's really...
That's lovely for the kids.
That's just...
That's just fine.
Letter number two.
Letter number two.
Dear Dave.
Hi, Dave.
Since Halloween is coming up, coming up.
Are you kidding, my friend?
It's here, buddy.
Plug in.
Get on the rocket ship, my man.
It's here, pal.
Since Halloween is coming up and I was wondering what you do on Halloween.
See you later.
Chaz D. Kubelis, Newport Ritchie.
Newport Ritchie, Florida.
The question is, what do I do on Halloween?
And pretty much the same every year.
I was thinking about what I did last year on Halloween.
And gosh, I had a pretty nice night, as I recall.
Hello?
Good evening, Mr. Letterman.
I'm calling from MCI to tell you about our new long-distance race.
Can I tell you right after the show, I got to beat it downtown?
You mentioned, yeah.
That's a pretty good piece of acting, though, wouldn't it?
Yeah, I'm quite a thespian in my own right.
I don't think I get enough credit for my acting ability.
Do you think that, pal?
No.
A category from the home office in Wahoo, Nebraska.
Top ten signs you're too old to be trick-or-treating.
This is exactly what I've been ranting about.
Yeah.
Top ten signs you're too old now to be trick-or-treating.
Here we go, number ten.
You get winded from knocking on the door.
Number nine.
You have to have another kid chew the candy for you.
Number eight.
You ask for high-fiber candy only.
Number seven.
When somebody drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your balance and fall
over.
Number six.
People say, great Keith Richards mask, and you're not wearing a mask.
Number five.
When the door opens, you tell, you yell, trick, or, and you can't remember the
rest.
Number four.
By the end of the night, you have a bag full of restraining orders.
Well, that's kind of an unpleasant notion there, isn't it?
Number three.
You have to carefully choose a costume that won't dislodge your hairpiece.
Number two.
You're the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with a walker.
And...
The number one sign you're too old to be trick-or-treating.
You avoid going to houses where your ex-wives live.
Wow.
Okay, now here's what the deal was last night, and this was going to be great.
We had a 1,030-pound pumpkin, over a half a ton of pumpkin.
And we had it out there on 53rd Street, and we were going to blow it up with
one stick of dynamite.
The guy who raised it is named Scott Armstrong.
He lives out on Long Island, and he raised this in his mother's backyard, and
he said,
I got nothing to do with it, and you can't eat the thing.
So he brought it in, and he said, just blow it up.
So, here, turn on.
This is from last night.
This is what we were going to do last night.
There's the pumpkin, and as you can see, it started to rain.
Well, that's when our problems began, because then the fire department came in
and said,
you know, this pumpkin, this pumpkin is generating electricity.
What do you mean?
It's, they said it's about five or ten volts of electricity running through the
pumpkin.
What, was it hooked up to something?
No, it's not hooked up to anything.
Not hooked up to any wires.
It's just sitting there.
No, no, no.
Right away, I'm thinking, terrorism?
That's the first thing that came to...
Of course.
They're electrifying our vegetables.
So, it's crazy.
So, now here's what happened.
They had the guys come out and inspect it today, and sure enough, you know, on
the curb,
before you go into the street, you get the curb, there's that iron cap that
runs along
the corner of the curb, right there at the perpendicular, where you have the
horizontal
and the vertical.
Yeah.
Right there, it is right there.
Well, there is a five-volt current running through there at all times.
Really?
At all times.
Really?
And because of the rain, the rain, the water was acting as a conductor, and it
was electrifying
the pumpkin, which...
That's crazy.
That's insane.
I'm just telling you what they told me.
Well, first of all, why is there a current running through that thing?
I...
That I can't help you with.
At all times.
I have no idea.
That's kind of like a third rail.
Well, that's the city that never sleeps.
That's why.
Boy, I'll say.
Whoa.
So, anyway, that meant that to arm it, the thing might explode right while the
guy was
there alarming it.
So, we couldn't do it.
That's right.
So, now, I believe, is the weather all right?
So, we're going to do it okay.
We got everybody's approval.
Every