Name: Dave's Suit of Velcro: Full Episode | David Letterman
Uploaded: 2025-11-17T16:01:09.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Dave's Suit of Velcro: Full Episode | David Letterman' from Letterman on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-11-17. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Dave's Suit of Velcro: Full Episode | David Letterman' from Letterman on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-11-17. Transcript available.

Dave's Suit of Velcro: Full Episode | David Letterman

Hi there. Recently, one of my neighbors dozed off while watching the Olympic luge
finals and literally fell out of his chair.
Well, as soon as that happened, I went down to the basement workshop and I
covered my favorite chair and my favorite jumpsuit with Velcro.
And as you can see, it works like a charm.
But I have the, uh, thank you very much.
So, here's to Velcro.
Join us tonight for our gala tribute to that miracle space-age fabric of the 80s,
Velcro.
I don't, I don't look like a jerk here, do I?
No, you look fine. It's fine to me, Dad.
Okay. Could you get me down because I'm having trouble with that, uh, artery.
Vein there? Kind of swelling up?
Yeah.
Yeah, let me make a few calls.
Hal?
Yeah, okay, fellas. Cut, Dave, then.
Thank you.
Thank you.
From New York, where you're under no obligation to take the advice folks are
sure to give,
it's Late Night with David Letterman.
Tonight, comedian Richard Lewis.
Fun with Velcro with Michael Heater.
And Dave recruits a guest by calling a payphone.
And now, a man who, when all is said and done,
keeps talking,
David Letterman!
Thank you.
Thank you.
Oh, no.
Thank you very much.
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the program.
Are you, are you excited now about presidential politics?
Oh, yeah.
I must say, first of all, for those of you visiting from out of town,
you notice something extra charming about New York this time of year.
It's, it's pioneer days here in New York City all month.
And what that means is you go into a restaurant,
they give you the menu with the old-fashioned prices on it.
For example, downstairs at one of the restaurants here,
a cup of coffee is only a buck and a quarter.
So, have as much fun.
Anyway, this, now this political deal,
today, of course, was the New Hampshire primary.
And I'm excited.
Did you, did you read what happened?
The Syrian president, Assad,
today, this morning in the newspaper,
said he would be happy to come to this country
to rescue Jesse Jackson.
So, I thought that was a darn nice...
Thank you.
Ladies and gentlemen, we've got a fine program for you tonight.
Richard Lewis will be here in a couple of minutes.
We're going to, we're going to get a guest.
Have you ever wanted to do this phone, a pay phone,
and see who answers?
How many of you have ever...
Well, we're going to do that tonight.
And also, we're going to, it's our big tribute
to the miracle fabric of the 80s, Velcro.
We'll, what else are we...
What else are we doing on this?
Oh, yeah, we may not get to that.
No, we may not get to that, but we may,
or we may get to it.
Now, say hello to Paul Schaefer, ladies and gentlemen.
Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Hey, I'm excited.
Yeah.
Hey, I'm excited about a little show.
Yeah.
Hey, I'm excited about a little late night kind of show.
Yeah.
I'm excited about a late night kind of show
called Late Night with David Letterman.
Yeah.
Thank you, Paul.
Thanks.
The way I felt at the time.
Caught me off guard.
I just go with what I feel.
I don't know.
Call me.
You're taking those B-12 shots again, aren't you?
How you been?
Great.
Nice to see you.
I'm excited about the show tonight.
We got a great show.
We got everything.
The tennis cannon is here.
That thing went off this afternoon.
You weren't here, but it's shooting straight up in the air.
And it started going off at 100 miles an hour,
hitting that light.
Pow!
Pow!
Pow!
Just smashing.
Really?
Nobody could get it turned off.
No kidding.
Finally, somebody ran in.
Oh, jeez.
I'm sorry.
I guess so.
We had a lot of fun.
I'll read about that tomorrow in the paper.
What are we doing tonight?
We are swinging.
Yeah.
Is there some questions?
You know what we're going to do?
Let's take a look at the camera outside.
Can we see that, Hal?
This is from inside the truck.
And this is at the intersection of 6th Avenue and 46th or 47th?
47th.
7th?
7th.
47th.
And you can see that bank of pay phones right over there?
We have the number to one of those phones.
Actually, we have the number to two of them, but the one on the right is out of
order.
So in a few minutes, that's hard to imagine, isn't it?
But in a few minutes, we're going to call the one on the left.
And we'll see if we can.
We'll get a person up here to be a guest, or...
All right.
Place one call or many calls?
All right, until someone answers.
Okay.
Let's take a look down there again, Hal, and see, get an idea.
Again, it's a lot of folks hurrying home from work.
And can you swing any farther around, Hal, so we get a look at the neighborhood?
Again, this is from the inside of a van, so these folks, whoever approaches the
phone,
will not, well, they'll think they're under arrest, and they're probably be gunplay.
Okay, so should we try placing a call down here now?
All right.
Just push the button here.
Paul, what should I say to this person when I get a hold of them?
What you should say?
Yeah, how do you greet someone you don't know when you're calling on a payphone?
Uh, gee, that is, uh, I don't know.
Get Emily Post for that one.
I really...
Maybe you could do that number again for them.
I'm here.
Okay, the phone is ringing, huh?
And folks passing by.
Where do we hear that ring from?
Do we have it?
There's a microphone down there?
Yeah, mic out there.
Okay.
Oh, this is exciting, isn't it?
That's the third ring.
All right.
I don't know.
I'm pretty confident someone will pick it up.
I just have a feeling that...
Maybe not that guy, but...
Would you pick this up, Paul, if this were you down there?
I have, actually.
Yeah, I'd pick it up.
I'd assume that I was winning money or something.
If I was that guy standing right there.
Yeah.
Hey, you!
Hey, buddy!
Yeah, you!
Yeah, sure!
Hey!
Now spit on your own sidewalk, pal.
Why, you no good.
I ought to come down there and teach you some manners.
If you just pick up this phone, I'd tell you where to get off, pal.
Now, you get the idea something illegal is transpiring there.
Now, that one's out of order, we've been told.
So, in a matter of minutes, he'll be forced to, uh...
What this man doesn't realize, the party he's calling is calling him on the
phone next door.
Now, this phone doesn't work at all, huh?
Okay, come on over here.
Come on, here we go.
Come on.
Hello?
Okay, okay.
Hello?
Hello?
This is, uh, David Letterman.
Who is this?
You've got the wrong number.
You're at a paid phone booth.
Uh, okay, let me check that number.
Is the num...
Now, now it'll be busy, won't it, for the next...
Well, they certainly have cooked our goose, haven't they?
Is there any way we can get an operator to make an emergency interrupt here?
Well, let's try it.
Okay.
Might as well.
Hello?
Oh, oh, oh.
Yes, I know.
What is your name, please?
Why?
I'm trying to make a phone call.
Would you please hang up so I can make a phone call?
Well, she's not, uh, not actually in the spirit of the show, so...
All right, let's, uh, what do we do?
Let her make her call, and then we'll...
Hello?
Hello?
Hello?
Hello?
Hello?
No.
We don't have her here.
Hi.
She's probably calling another talk show.
No, this is not her.
Hello?
Okay.
Let's see.
She's, uh, apparently...
No, now I'm getting something out here.
Hit the button again?
All right, well, let's, let's see.
Is there any way we can listen to what she's saying, or do we...
We all...
We all go to prison if we do that, don't we?
Can we have somebody get out of the booth and tell her to speed it up?
No, don't, you can't go over.
I was just kidding.
I thought...
Go over and give her time cues on the call.
And then have her throw it to a commercial.
All right, the man, uh...
Is there another phone on the other side of this?
Bank of phones?
Okay, all right.
All right, we'll go to commercial.
We'll send somebody down there.
We'll beat her up.
And then we'll try it again.
Okay, we'll do that.
We'll see if she gets off the phone.
And, uh, we'll be right back.
We've got a good show tonight.
Richard Lillard's going on.
Okay.
Well, uh, the young lady got off the phone, and wouldn't you know what somebody
else got on?
If these people act like this is a public telephone.
So that guy is on.
He's, uh, phoning about having his hat locked.
So, so until he gets off, we're pretty much screwed here, aren't we?
That's a television term.
Oh, wait a minute.
He's, he's making moves like he's about to wrap it up.
Probably getting long-distance information, information from Belgium.
Now, I can have it to you on Thursday.
I'm serious.
Thursday, the latest.
I'm serious.
Oh, now, there's a guy in line after him.
Well, this is turning out to be a fine idea.
Well, that was him.
I'm ready.
Okay.
I'm used to Broadway.
I'm, uh, east of 6th Avenue.
That's right.
Extra cheese.
Okay, as soon as this man.
Here we go.
Five.
One, three, eight.
Four.
Adios.
Okay.
Oh, wait a minute.
I got...
Oh, I know, I know.
Is anybody on there?
Oh, good.
Ah.
I think we can all breathe a little easier now.
Can't we?
There's two.
Come on, answer the phone.
We'll get somebody up here.
Does it make any difference who?
We'll just have...
Invite whoever it is to come...
Oh, that guy again.
Okay.
All right.
Hmm.
There you go.
Hey.
Yeah.
Hello, Manhattan.
Yes.
Hello, hello, hello, hello.
Who is this, please?
Who is this?
My name is David Letterman, sir.
What is your name?
How are you?
Good.
I have two pizzas.
You have what, sir?
Are you checking up on my pizzas?
No, no.
You're ordering pizza from a payphone?
I thought you were ordering pizza.
No.
What is your name, sir?
My name is Greg Boris.
Greg, what do you do for a living?
I work at the National Hockey League.
In what capacity?
Public Relations Assistant.
I see.
Greg, have you ever been on television before?
No, but I have a feeling I am now.
That's right.
You're going coast to coast and around the world
and to our boys in uniform overseas.
That's great.
Are you in a hurry, Greg?
Not really.
Is it possible for you to leave what you're doing down there?
It looks like it's awfully important work.
Yes, it is.
And come up here in our studio.
We're right across the street.
To do what?
What do you want me for?
We kind of like to have you as a guest on our show.
A guest on your show?
Yeah.
He's not buying it, is he?
Now, all these people here, I see the NBC truck.
Yeah.
I see these two young ladies here.
That should be a rental truck, by the way.
Uh-huh.
Yeah.
It'll take maybe 20 minutes of your time.
Could you come up and talk to us?
I don't know.
I've never been on television before.
Well, pretty much anybody can do that.
I prove that on a nightly basis.
Absolutely.
We'll have somebody escort you over to the building, if you don't mind.
Do you mind?
I don't mind.
All right.
Somebody.
Okay.
Greg.
Greg.
Yeah.
While you're waiting for somebody to come over there, do you always answer pay
phones when
you hear them ring like that?
No.
I walked by it and I went back when they told me to go answer it, so I answered
it.
Oh.
You know, you never know who it could be.
Yeah.
It just might be David Letterman someday.
That's right.
Now, somebody told you to answer the phone?
Yeah, after I went toward it and then walked away from it.
See, this, this, we can't accept this.
This is unacceptable.
We, we just may have to start this over.
Okay, Greg, you hang up the phone.
Okay.
All right.
Now, you stay right down there and we'll get back to you.
Okay.
All right.
Well, now, I don't know.
Can we accept this?
Nope.
Nope.
We've, we've been undermined here.
Something is desperately awry.
So, what do we do?
We'll, we'll, we'll go to a commercial and we'll talk this over.
We'll be right back, folks.
Thank you so much, Paul.
Welcome back to the show, ladies and gentlemen.
Richard Lewis is here.
Also, we're going to show you more than you ever needed or wanted to know about
Velcro,
the miracle fabric.
And we're going to try and get a hold of somebody on the streets of New York.
I think the phone is in use right now, isn't it?
It appears that there is somebody on that phone.
Is that correct?
Just that update.
No, the person to the left is, is she on the phone?
Just pick it up.
She did just pick it up.
Okay.
Well, 