Name: The Best Of Sylvester Stallone | David Letterman
Uploaded: 2025-12-08T16:02:52.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'The Best Of Sylvester Stallone | David Letterman' from Letterman on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-12-08. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'The Best Of Sylvester Stallone | David Letterman' from Letterman on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-12-08. Transcript available.

The Best Of Sylvester Stallone | David Letterman

Okay, what about Rocky goes to Belgium and fights the Belgian Prime Minister?
No, no, no, no. Rocky gets into a fight with a kid in his neighborhood and has
to fight the kid's dad,
and they fight it out on the streets of the neighborhood.
Oh, how about this? Rocky gets into a fight with a guy, and Rocky's got Flubber
in his boxing glove,
knocks a guy to the moon.
No, no, no. How about Rocky really knocks the hell out of an annoying talk show
host?
Stop it one second.
No, Dave, where you going?
But, you know, we know you. I mean, you're, of course, Rocky, and then
everything else we mentioned.
How many films have you done?
I think about 30. Demolition Man's my 30th.
And I think we covered this one other time.
The total combined revenue generated by your motion pictures is close to, like,
a billion dollars, isn't it?
Maybe more than a billion dollars.
No, who's counting?
Let me see.
No, actually, you never know, because it all depends if you're doing well and
the press likes you, it's a billion, two billion.
If you're doing bad, it's like, well, he couldn't pay for a hoagie.
You know, so, you know, his career is more mysterious than crib does.
No, no, no, no.
I've had some bad reviews.
But, no, but we understand you for what you are and your accomplishments and
all your success.
However, as with everyone else, there was a beginning.
Yes.
And we have a little film.
No, you don't.
Yes, we do.
How back?
How far back?
I don't know how far back, but it's...
There's not an X in front of the...
No, it's all right.
It's all right.
But this film is long before you were Mr. Big Shot, Mr. Hollywood, Mr. Box
Office Blockbuster, Mr. Action Adventure.
Go ahead and roll it, Hal.
Here's Sylvester Stallone as a kid.
Introducing the elegant shave.
New Rapid Shave Cologne scent.
They asked us to try it out.
Got a great fragrance.
I may shave more often.
Is that a shave?
You might as well make it interesting.
It surrounds my face with what I deserve.
Dave, how are Sylvester Stallone and Flavor Flav getting along?
Well, I don't know.
Let's see.
Looks pretty good.
I have to keep our fingers crossed.
I went to a baseball game.
It was Rocky Day.
I was like, I come home.
It's fantastic.
It's Rocky.
You find jokes and everything.
It's Rocky Day.
All right.
I'm sorry.
No, it's Rocky Day.
Forgive me.
It's Rocky Day in Philadelphia.
So, Rocky Day.
Yeah, you're right.
And so I go to the stadium.
It's a baseball game.
It's 50,000 fans.
I say, okay, Sylvester Stallone.
I've never played baseball in my life.
He's going to hit a ball against Steve Carlton.
I say, who?
Yeah, you don't know.
Hall of Famer.
Bring him on.
How hard can it be?
You know what I mean?
How hard?
You swat a fly, you hit a ball.
To me, the same thing.
No problem.
You knock him out.
Knock him out.
Here it comes.
So, I'm on the mound.
It's 55,000 people going, Rocky, Rocky, Rocky.
Again, they expect me to take that ball and knock it somewhere past Pluto.
Jerk it out of the park.
Out of the sku.
Forget Babe Ruth.
It's over.
They're going to name a candy bar after you.
You know what I mean?
He's like, they know you're special.
So, they say, unfortunately, Steve Carlton hurt a finger and pitching for him
is the Philly
Fanatic.
Now, I don't know.
The Philly Fanatic, guys, is like a large sock, like a hamper with eyeballs.
It's a thing.
It's like, it's walking lint.
Yeah, like it's full of bad clams.
It is.
It's more than bad clams.
It's your worst nightmare.
So, he gets out there.
He's got this big butt with feathers coming out of it and eyes.
Now, he takes and throws the first ball, 30 feet in the air, and it maybe comes
down at
this speed.
Strikes.
Now, now, now, the audience goes, hey, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, and I'm
sure, whoa,
man.
Hey, okay.
We'll give the benefit of the doubt.
You know, maybe he still has his boxing gloves on, whatever.
So, okay, now the Philly Fanatic gets on his knees, behind second base, and he's
going,
and he rolls the ball, and I cannot hit him.
Now, the fans, I'm sorry.
I'm having an acid flashback, okay?
Are we in Vietnam?
Okay.
The fans, at that moment, now went from Rocky to schmuck, moron, loser.
Hideous creature, thing of the past.
It's schmuck day at the stadium suddenly.
It wasn't, it wasn't, it wasn't, it was schlocky day.
Now, everybody, I guess, knows, in the movie, you play the mayor of, not the
mayor, the sheriff.
You're the mayor of cop town, that's right.
And you had to, like, beef up for the part.
Beef up, well, you know, there was an aspect of the character that if he came
in somewhat
buffed, muscular, whatever, it'd be really hard to kind of understand his plight,
his sympathy.
So, they tried to convince me to eat everything taboo, try to put on 30, 40
pounds, and just
lose all the tricks of, or all the narcissism, or all the vanity.
Now, let me ask you, let's get some statistics out of the way.
What, when they came to you with this script, what did you weigh?
Do you mind?
Can I ask you what you weigh?
172.
172.
All right, so they were asking you to go over the deuce, is that it?
Oh, yeah.
Wow.
Way over the deuce.
But I, at one point, I guess when we started this show, between this show and
the old show,
I had gained some weight, and I don't know what I weighed here in this shot.
Can you see this?
Roll that.
There I was.
So, I know what you're talking about there.
Oh, the laughs come fast and furious, don't they?
I read in the paper a couple of weeks ago where you're procured, purchased the
rights
to do a film about Formula One racing, and I'm thinking to myself, I don't care
what it
takes, I don't care what I have to do, I'll buy my way, just put me in the film.
You've got a deal.
I just want to be in the movie.
It's not a big part.
It's a deal.
It's a deal.
It's a deal.
I won't make trouble.
No, I swear.
I won't make trouble.
Just, you know, a shot of me with a hose.
No, no, no, no.
That's all.
See, I just want to be in the movie.
You just want to be a hoser.
Yeah, just a hose guy.
That's right.
Okay.
I'm not looking to embarrass you, but I wanted to be in this movie, and I
wanted you to invite
me to be in this movie, and I begged you to be in this movie, and I think the
clip we're
going to see here now is me saying I'll do anything to be in the movie, and I
think you
said you got it.
It's a done deal.
Take a look.
I don't care what it takes.
I don't care what I have to do.
I'll buy my way.
Just put me in the film.
You've got a deal.
I just want to be in the movie.
It's not a big part.
It's a deal.
It's a deal.
It's a deal.
I won't make trouble.
No, I swear.
It's a deal.
It's a deal.
I've got to turn the New York Times loose on you.
It's like Stallone Onocchio.
It's like...
Well, I changed my mind.
I'm entitled.
Yes, you are.
It's show business, after all.
Nice to see you again.
About that $3 billion.
Yeah, that's pretty nice, isn't it?
Bruce, I don't have it.
You must.
Oh, yeah.
You know, I'm here to support my friend Sylvester Stallone.
Now, do you guys do stuff together?
Do you go out and then...
Well, I do.
I help him get home at night.
It's a good thing.
It's a good thing.
Reads me a little story.
I clean, you know, I shake the spit out of his harmonica.
I got an important thing.
That's a real friend.
That's friendship.
Yeah, it'll rust if you don't do that.
$3 billion right there, sitting right next to you, Dave.
$3 billion.
And what do you...
You also spend time with the governor of California.
Is that right?
We do, actually, every Saturday.
You know, at one time, Arnold and I were kind of like, you know,
Sodom and Gomorrah.
Really?
Yeah, Cain and Abel.
You know, like, you know, Ruth and Buzzy.
We were just...
We just weren't working together.
Ruth and Buzzy.
And anyway, after our careers, you know, he's very competitive,
and he became governor, and I thought, well, good luck and all that.
And then he...
Good luck.
Ciao, Bella.
And then we started to build this relationship,
and there's a place called Cafe Roma.
We go out there and smoke a cigar,
and before you know it, they started banning smoking.
Next thing I know, the governor and I are, like, in an alley trying to grab a
few puffs,
and discussing, like, how we can get, you know, balance everything, balance the
budget.
And I said, I can balance it on my shoulder, on my finger, nothing else.
But anyway, he saw the first version of Rambo.
I thought, how ironic.
As a fellow, you know, who's your main competition, you're the guy who would
see it.
And he called up and said, it really stinks.
So I said, thank you.
I didn't believe that he would say that.
No, it wasn't.
He really liked it.
But what is it?
Can you give us any insight as to what he might do when he leaves the governor's
mansion in Sacramento?
Is he coming back to making films?
I mean, what else?
He can't really run for anything else, can he?
Well, actually...
Can he run for the Senate or the Congress?
No, I think he's actually going to run marathons.
I think it's like...
I heard that before.
Really?
Whatever, yeah.
10K.
10K.
Start slowly.
Fun run to begin with.
No, I think...
You know what?
This fellow here, he's like a genius, you know?
This is why you never judge a muscular book by its cover.
Yeah.
I'm like a muscular magazine.
He's a muscular book.
And what he does, you just can't tell.
But at the beginning, everybody thought, oh, he's a bonehead.
That's what they thought.
Oh, no.
And then he comes in, and he got himself in a little bit of trouble early on,
and then he was able to right the ship,
and now I understand he's beloved in California.
He's beloved, and he's just learned how to walk on water.
It's unbelievable.
What?
Yeah, yeah.
He's doing great.
You must know Paul Tuttle and his...
Yeah, absolutely.
You know, they're here, and they brought a bunch of bikes down.
And you look like the kind of guy that might ride a bike.
I can do a handstand on a bike.
No, no, no, don't start showing off, because...
We have no insurance.
That's it.
Thanks for watching.
We've got to go.
See you tomorrow night.
Take care.
Bye, man.
You know what to happen?
I was thinking about this.
I think the last time you were on the show,
you and me and the Orange Chopper guys,
Orange County Chopper guys, went for motorcycle rides.
Who else was there?
It was you and me.
And me and Bruce.
Bruce Willis.
Bruce and his harmonica, and we...
And really, it's rather...
You know, you come with some great ideas,
but that was not one of your better ones.
It was...
You have Bruce, who, like,
a wonderful guy.
I'm just, I don't know, like a bum,
and he's in a suit.
Right.
We go outside in the rain with three bikers.
It was chilly.
It was chilly, and these men are revving this thing up.
Now, when you're not used to a bike,
they have custom, flaming pipes.
So imagine taking a waffle iron
and dropping it down your pants.
Mm-hmm.
Imagine.
I'm telling you,
it was...
I couldn't believe I'm dying.
And the other thing is,
these motorcycles are...
They're not for guys like me.
They're probably more for guys like you.
But they're just...
Well, you know what you're doing.
I don't know what I'm doing.
They're for guys.
I have a, you know, kind of like somewhere between
a sense of adventure and a death wish.
Yeah, this is, this is...
Like for the mongrels would be comfortable.
Yeah, that's the mongrels.
Be comfortable.
And we go out, and it's raining,
and I think, okay, we...
You can only...
The streets go opposite directions
every other street.
So I get us all screwed up,
and we end up over on 6th Avenue,
and it's rush hour,
and it's just...
We were gone for 45 minutes.
It's true.
And we look like, you know,
we're out there, and it's...
He's in a suit.
It just didn't work.
The biggest Mel's Angels.
The biggest losers of all time.
And you actually were burned on the pipe?
Oh, my God, man.
I had fried cajolies found.
Really?
But it burned your...
Yeah, but it worked its way up.
Yeah.
Well, I can't help you with that.
But in terms of the daughters,
their daughter...
Their father is Sylvester Stallone.
What is that?