Name: Christmas With The Lettermans | David Letterman
Uploaded: 2025-12-25T16:01:25.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Christmas With The Lettermans | David Letterman' from Letterman on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-12-25. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Christmas With The Lettermans | David Letterman' from Letterman on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-12-25. Transcript available.

Christmas With The Lettermans | David Letterman

Christmas!
Christmas!
Christmas!
Christmas!
Christmas!
Sleigh bells ringing, children singing,
it smells like Christmas!
Snow is falling, Santa's calling,
it smells like Christmas!
Tins are red and mess so tall,
chestnuts roasted hot,
Grandma's famous fart ball,
she always makes a lot!
Stuffings, stockings,
baking hot things, it smells like Christmas!
Carving pumpkins,
no, you bumpkin!
It smells like Christmas!
Mr. Pumpman, bring a smoke pan,
it smells like Christmas!
Hello, the man, give me five men,
it smells like Christmas!
Smiling faces, Bob's wet wet shoes,
snow ball blowing, north wind blowing,
you won't start,
have no remorse!
Sure smells like Christmas!
Christmas!
Christmas!
Christmas!
It's beginning to smell,
very, very much,
like Christmas!
Christmas!
It's Christmas with the Letterman's!
It's Christmas with the Letterman's!
Starring the whole Letterman family!
Featuring Dave's wife,
the lovely Audrey Daniels Letterman,
and the Letterman kids,
Hank, Terry, Melissa, Kyle,
plus Dave's older brother, Daryl,
with guest stars, Pat Boone,
and brother Theodore,
and the Doodle Town Pipers,
and the Doodle Town Pipers!
And now, a man who, for 43 years,
has entertained our boys overseas,
David Letterman!
And now, a man who, for 43 years,
has entertained our boys overseas,
David Letterman!
And now, a man who, for 43 years,
has entertained our boys overseas,
David Letterman!
Thank you very much!
Thank you very much!
Thank you very much, folks!
Welcome to the program.
My name is David Letterman.
This is our special holiday program,
Christmas with the Lettermans,
featuring, among others,
the legendary Doodle Town Pipers.
Now, anytime you have a show
featuring the Doodle Town Pipers,
one question comes to mind,
and that, of course, is:
Where exactly is Doodle Town?
This is my favorite time of year
in New York City.
I'll make no apologies for that.
You walk outside,
the smell of chestnuts,
the smell of pine trees,
subway fires.
You just...
Tonight, ladies and gentlemen,
a very special evening for us.
Now, say hello to our good friend
and a member of the family,
Mr. Paul Schaefer.
Paul Schaefer.
Paul, thank you.
Thank you so much.
Thank you.
David, Merry Christmas to you.
You know, I want to say that, as I say every year,
you know, ordinary people, they only get to feel this wonderful Christmas
spirit once a year.
That's right.
We can show business.
We feel this love all year round.
That's right.
We feel it.
365 days a year.
It's great to be celebrating Christmas with you today.
Well, great to be here with you, Paul.
Thank you.
This is quite a night.
We have wonderful guests, but let's get right to the heart of things, folks.
It's Christmas with the Letterman's, and you really can't have Christmas with
the Letterman's unless you meet the Letterman's.
Let's do that right now.
Ladies and gentlemen, please say hello to my wife, the lovely Audrey Daniels
Letterman.
Audrey.
Audrey.
Audrey, how are you?
Boy, you look terrific.
You look great.
Audrey, ladies and gentlemen.
Go ahead and sit down.
Paul, you remember Audrey, don't you?
I love Audrey.
Yeah.
You're a lovely wife.
Nice to see you, Audrey.
This is exciting, isn't it, Audrey?
It's just like at the house, huh?
Oh, it's great.
Yeah.
It's great.
Now, you may not know this, but before Audrey and I were married, she had quite
a very successful career in show business.
Go ahead and tell them about it, Audrey.
No, I...
No, no, come on.
Look.
Look at this.
She was one of the original members of the cast of Mission Impossible.
There she is.
No, I was never actually on the show.
There was a problem with Greg Morris, and so they had to make a change.
What?
Oh.
Um, well, still and all, it's a nice photo, and you have your memories and so
forth.
And, uh, if, uh, if we have time now, you know how time gets away from you on
TV, but if we have time a little later, we'd like you to sing a song, maybe.
Oh, that'd be great.
All right.
Uh, Audrey, let's go ahead and introduce the rest of the clan, okay?
I'd be delighted.
Okay.
Uh, first, our two oldest boys, Hank and Terry.
Hank, come on out here, guys.
Good to see you.
How are you...
Now, you guys behave yourselves.
They're crazy.
These guys are nuts, these kids.
And then, uh, there's my favorite child, Melissa.
Melissa, come on out, honey.
Nice to see you, Melissa.
You having, you having a lot of fun?
Yes.
Oh, this is great, isn't it?
Uh-huh.
Okay.
Then our youngest, Kyle.
Yeah.
Kyle, come on out, buddy.
Oh, here's Kyle.
And, uh, ladies and gentlemen, with Kyle, uh, this is my older brother, older
brother, Daryl.
Daryl, nice to have you with us tonight.
Yeah, well, I thought, uh, Kyle could use a little adult supervision for a
change, David.
Uh, let me tell you a little bit about Daryl.
He's, uh, he lives right here in the tri-state area, and he's a very successful
businessman.
Go ahead, Daryl.
Mention the name of the company.
Get a plug in here.
It's, uh, Daryl's Home Insulation.
It used to be Letterman's Home Insulation, but your lawyer said there was a
conflict of interest,
so they took the name from me.
But it's, you know, it's worked out for the best in the long run, don't you
think?
Yeah, I do, too.
Yeah.
Um, all right, we want to, we want to start the show tonight.
Every year at the house, uh, for Christmas, we have some family traditions, and,
uh,
we're just going to share them with you tonight.
The first one involves the, the older boys.
Uh, Kai, uh, uh, Hank and Terry.
It's, uh, they get an opportunity to come over here to the lollipop tree and
pick a lollipop up there.
Go ahead.
All right, Terry.
There you go, Hank.
Thanks, Dad.
Here.
Wow.
Thanks, Dad.
Yeah, thank you.
You enjoy it, don't you?
Oh, I love it.
Yeah, okay.
All right, that's, uh, that's the first of our traditions.
Now, now the second, of course, is, uh, we grant little Melissa here one
Christmas wish.
So, Melissa, are you ready?
Mm-hmm.
Okay, go ahead, stand up, and make your wish.
Uh, I wish I had $50.
Okay.
There you are.
This is going up since last year, hasn't it?
Yeah.
Uh, all right, and, uh, and finally, and, uh, this may be the most important
family tradition
that we go through every year.
It's time for the youngest member of our family, little Kyle, to go out and get
us the family
Christmas tree.
Are you all set, Kyle?
Yeah.
Okay.
Are you excited?
Yeah, okay.
Now, if, if the tree that Kyle brings back is at least seven feet tall, he gets
this solid
gold coin.
So, this is going to be something, huh, Kyle?
Yeah.
Okay, you ready?
Yeah.
All right, let's go.
Come on, Kyle.
Come on.
Come on over here.
Get us a real nice, get the coat, Audrey.
Come on.
Come on over here, Kyle.
And, uh, now be really careful and get us a really nice, give me the coat,
Audrey.
Give us a really nice tree.
There you go.
Okay, and we'll see you back in about an hour.
Okay.
Bye-bye, Kyle.
Take care.
Well, this, this is really going to be something.
We'll be right back, folks.
Okay.
Here, look, uh, Hank, there goes your brother, Kyle.
Yes, sir.
Yeah.
We'll get us a, uh, I'm pretty sure he's going to get us a, a really nice tree.
I'm sure I'll get a tree tree.
Yeah.
This will be exciting.
Gosh, this is fun.
We do it at home every year and we're, we're, we're happy to share it with you
folks here tonight.
Well, uh, you ready to meet our first guest?
Sure am.
All right.
Uh, it's truly a pleasure to welcome this gentleman to our program tonight.
He will be starring in his own Christmas special airing on December 25th over
the Christian Broadcast Network.
It's called Pat Boone's Old Fashioned Christmas.
Please welcome Pat Boone.
Hi, Pat.
How are you?
Nice to see you.
Thank you.
Pat, I know, I know, uh, Audrey wanted a chance to say hello.
I, I tell you, I was so moved watching you.
You know, this is really a, a sort of a very emotional moment to see all of you
together like this, a real family.
And it reminds me of that wonderful time, you know, when John Davidson and Andy
Williams brought their families together.
Yeah.
Well, that's what we thought we'd do.
For one big special with their lawyers.
Yeah.
With their lawyers.
Yeah.
And I mean, it's just that kind of an emotional time.
Now you.
Your son looks so much like you too.
Yeah.
We're very.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Like father, like son.
Yeah.
He's a little sensitive about that.
Oh, okay.
Um, now you look good.
You got a little, uh, a little tan here for the holidays.
Where does that come from?
Well, California.
Yeah.
It was raining when I left.
I, I.
Oh, was it now?
They said, somebody said that it was actually snowing in Southern California
yesterday.
It did.
I saw it on the news.
Yeah.
And the news don't lie.
Where did it snow?
Uh, well, what they said was on the roads leading into LA and the roads leading
out of LA.
Mm-hm.
I don't know if it actually rained in LA.
Yeah.
I don't think it would dare.
Rain or snow?
Snow.
They're basically the same, but.
Then, uh, they're talking about snow.
But what happened?
Now, tell me if this isn't true.
Uh, what happened?
They probably got just the, the most minimal measurable amount of frozen
precipitation.
And they said, oh, that's it.
Snow.
Close the schools.
We're done.
They do that when it rains.
Yeah.
When it snows.
Uh, it's a holiday.
They, they apparently had three, four inches of snow.
I mean, you could see it on the news.
Not in LA.
Now that's silly.
Really in LA?
They didn't say in LA.
Okay.
That's the reason I can't testify to that.
Okay.
Okay.
Because they said leading into and out of.
Now the, uh, the first time I saw you was in, uh, or not the first time, the
last time
I saw you was in Los Angeles on the Tonight Show.
Do you remember that evening?
It was the most embarrassing moment of my life.
Really?
You, you, you will forever be.
I remember what happened.
Closely associated with my most humiliating moment in show business.
Uh-huh.
It was, uh, yeah.
All right.
Yeah.
It was on the Tonight Show.
You were hosting.
It was one of those rare nights when Johnny wasn't there.
Uh-huh.
And, um, and I don't know how it happened, but I came out and I was singing a
song, one
of my own records.
What was the song?
Wonderful Time Up There.
Uh, uh, everybody's going to have religion in glory.
That song, lots of, that moves fast.
But I've done it for so many times in my, in my career.
So I really wasn't concentrating on the words and suddenly they were gone.
Just evaporating.
They were just, it was blank.
And I began to make up a whole other language.
Uh-huh.
And, uh.
What's the first thing that comes into your mind when you realize that you've
lost the
thread of what you're singing?
Uh, complete obliteration.
Uh-huh.
Just the end of everything.
Do you freeze momentarily in panic?
Do you think, "Oh, no."
Yeah.
There's a vacuum.
It's a, it's an emptiness in your brain.
Yeah.
Well, I know that feeling.
That you're probably familiar with.
Yeah, sure.
I think we may run into that a little later tonight, as a matter of fact.
And, and I looked at, uh, I looked at Freddy de Cordova, the kind,
compassionate man that
he is, and I said, "Freddy, this is tape. Can we please stop and start this
over?"
And he looked at me and said, "No."
No.
No way.
So now that's on the tape, too.
You know, that's, and now I've got to try to-
Now you're trying to bang out of it, sure.
Yeah.
I have to try to find my way back into the song.
I actually did.
Uh-huh.
And then it left me again.
And I finally, after a complete shambles, wound up on the last note, uh, with
the orchestra,
you looked over, you were, you were standing, applauding along with the crowd.
And you said, "Folks, now we have these auditions every Friday night."
Oh, no.
You remember, remember when that happened, Audrey?
Yeah.
Yeah.
I saw her chuckling.
I don't think she made the trip west with me, that particular kid.
I think she was, I think she was pregnant with one of the kids at the time.
Well, probably Kyle.
Yeah.
I think Kyle.
Uh, now I know people ask you this over and over again, and forgive me for
jumping on this,
but are yo