Name: Dave & Paul's 1991 New Year's Resolutions | David Letterman
Uploaded: 2025-12-31T20:09:57.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Dave & Paul's 1991 New Year's Resolutions | David Letterman' from Letterman on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-12-31. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Dave & Paul's 1991 New Year's Resolutions | David Letterman' from Letterman on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-12-31. Transcript available.

thank you it means a great deal to me thank you ladies and gentlemen for
selecting us
as your evening's home entertainment yesterday tom cruise tom cruise paul tom
cruise movie star
movie star and a hunk if you don't mind me saying so easy for you to say uh tom
cruise announced
that christmas eve i think this is very very romantic tom cruise and his
girlfriend were
married in a private ceremony christmas eve and when i heard this i realized
that i have a little
something that i would like to share with you people here tonight about a week
ago i won my first
bar fight thank you thank you paul let's do the new acdc thing here we go one
two one two three
you know ladies and gentlemen presently in your homes there you're watching us
on nbc the greatest television network in the world
well uh january 1st if you live here in manhattan you should be aware of this
new regulation it goes
into effect january 1. if you are in manhattan and you perform a mob hit the
city will validate your
parking you never have to worry what the hell are we going to do with the getaway
car because now
boom put it right there in the skinny lot and take off and you're out of it
clean as a whistle back
into toledo hey thank you how do you do well it's one of our guests glenn close
glenn nice to see you
glenn is in the audience yeah i saw her right up there oh that's what it's not
her hi how do you
no that's peggy lee is in the wrong room whoever it is she's in the wrong room
yeah we'll be done in a
minute ma'am uh ladies and gentlemen uh the results of the 1990 census are in
that's some interesting uh
items first of all there's about 250 million americans and we have some california
i believe is the most
populated state uh wyoming has the the fewest people new york city as the loudest
people so that we know
uh on the program tonight ladies and gentlemen uh the lovely the talented glenn
close is here
uh we have the colin james right james a talented talented young blues
performer
from saskatchewan canada canada yes where is saskatchewan the prairie provinces
sir prairie
provinces nice to have him out there and also ladies and gentlemen alan bragdon
did i mention
it's the longest hour in television now here here over there's our friend paul
say hello to paul
thank you so much dave the question uh the question that all america is asking
themselves who is alan
brag alan bragdon he has a collection here of interesting items that you haven't
seen before
i see and that's all that's all i'm gonna say about that's all it takes to get
booked on this show then
huh well yeah considering the date i guess that's true i see no he'll be out
here with a collection of
items you you've never seen them never seen and when when you see this man's
collection of items
you'll say jeez i ain't never seen them before uh oh oh oh oh i'm not a little
disappointed ask me
am i a little disappointed disappointed today and why well not just today but
in general why
twenty five hundred dollars for collagen injections in my lips and nobody says
a thing oh come on
get out of here is that a hospital procedure or uh oh a guy came to my house i
see full anesthetic then
yeah he was actually working with my plumber at the time and you know they had
to do some snake work
and he says as long as we got this out how about the injections in the lips
collagen injections crazy
enjoy a lovely beverage why don't you oh man it's gonna get cold here tonight
we're gonna get some
snow they say really after three or four inches of snow that reminds me the
folks who work in the video
store where you rent those videos i rented some about uh three weeks ago i
haven't had a chance
of bringing them back i may not bring them back
and also i don't want to be fined for it all right because frankly i didn't
enjoy the films that well to
begin
like a fine like a two dollar fine just because i didn't have the time to drop
them off on my way
to work one morning i know i feel like a complete twit you have to jump out of
your car race in and
feed them into a little slot and it's always me and a dozen housewives trying
to return films for the
kids i well hey i ain't bringing mine back so screw you well that's
that may be a little harsh yeah i like them i'll bring them back i'll bring
them back eventually you
know paul it's the the time of year we like to do this uh how many days left in
this year by the way
what is the date today anyway 27th so that means we only have the 28th 29th 30th
and 31st yeah that's
right so only a few days left in 1990 let's let's begin with some new year's
resolutions tonight my
my new year's resolution i have to say in three simple words low sodium cheese
paul my new year's resolution is to keep doing what i'm doing hosting american
bandstand and my new hit
game show the challengers which tests your knowledge of current events and
turning out those blooper and
practical joke specials with ed mcmahon marty my new year's resolution is to go
ahead marty dave my
new year's resolution is to get more reading done during the show especially
the great classes
classics like this one louisa may alcott's little women wow earlier in the
broadcast i was actually
weeping actually weeping that he was actually weeping during the earlier part
of my new year's
resolution is to finally meet that guy over there who plays the piano wait a
minute wait a minute
biff you wait a minute you don't know paul over there well biff henderson paul
schaefer paul
hello hello happy new year to you happy new year to you thank you very much boy
is it's hot in here
isn't it go ahead rose my new year's resolution is plain and simple accessorize
accessorize almar
my new year's resolution is to keep searching for the one-armed man and bring
him to justice and prove
to the world that i'm not responsible for the grizzly execution style killings
of my next door neighbor
hi dave hi how are you doing fine thank you my new year's resolution is to
always use a glamorous
special effect every time we cut to you because you david letterman light up
late night tv
fine thank you thank you very much thank you very much
do we have time to finish this up larry
my new year's resolution is to keep adding cheap easy laughs to your little
comedy sketches
just by walking on camera happy new year suckers
marty just for my own information we get a time on that uh can we get a time
yeah get a time on that
what was it in rehearsal 140 we had it down to 140 in rehearsal moved in
rehearsal yeah we just
so 2 30. i don't know how it happens well the laughs and applause tend to
stretch it and add to the time
you've got to allow for that yeah okay let's uh