Name: The Best Of Jason Bateman | David Letterman
Uploaded: 2026-01-27T16:00:01.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'The Best Of Jason Bateman | David Letterman' from Letterman on Comedy Buff. Published 2026-01-27. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'The Best Of Jason Bateman | David Letterman' from Letterman on Comedy Buff. Published 2026-01-27. Transcript available.

The Best Of Jason Bateman | David Letterman

Now, you've been on television since you were, like, 12 years old.
Uh, yes.
Yeah.
So, how is this as a job?
Is it fun?
Is it good?
The job is good, yes.
But, you know, it keeps you out of school,
so you don't really get to go to the prom or the homecoming or whatnot.
You miss out on some school subjects.
Sex ed, I was a late bloomer there.
A show I did when I was about 12, 13, was Silver Spoons with Ricky Schroeder.
And we, uh...
I'm going to retract my statement about their intelligence.
Now, it's the holidays.
We, uh, what Ricky and I would do to supplement our sex ed
is we'd climb up to the permanents, the, you know, the catwalks
at the top of this big soundstage.
On a sitcom, you've got a bunch of little rooms there,
makeup room, wardrobe, dressing rooms, whatnot.
And they've got four walls, but they don't have the fifth wall,
the ceiling there.
They've just got chicken wire to catch, you know,
falling lights or whatever might happen.
We have earthquakes out there.
So, Ricky and I would wander up there during off time,
and we'd go and we'd spy on the beautiful Erin Gray,
who was about 30 at the time, and she was, from Buck Rogers,
just, she was fetching, to say the least.
So we'd go ahead, we'd go up there and time out our little jaunt stuff
for the wardrobe changing periods.
And, uh...
Did you ever get busted for that?
Uh, no, not, not, not till now.
I found this part of your life to be, uh, fascinating.
Uh, you have a, a lovely wife.
And your father-in-law is...
Paul Anka.
Paul Anka.
How about that?
Paul Anka.
Paul.
I'm kidding.
What is it like...
You're spending Thanksgiving...
I assume that your father-in-law will be with you at Thanksgiving.
Yes, he will.
What is that like?
Tell us what that will be.
It's musical.
Mm-hmm.
Um...
He, um, he does, he does like the tunes.
Yeah, well, he, um...
He's a legend, for heaven's sake.
He is a legend.
He was on your show recently.
That's right.
Really enjoyed himself.
He says, hello.
He says, hello, Paul.
I give my, our best.
He did some sort of Canadian thing.
Hello to you.
I don't remember that.
Love that.
Yeah, I related to that.
We're both Canadians, yeah.
Something involved a leaf or, I don't know.
Um, but, um, no, he's, he's great.
He's very, very good at carving the turkey.
What he likes to do is he'll go ahead and, you know,
he'll, he'll, he'll carve the turkey.
But what he'll do is he'll, he'll save the biggest drumstick
and then he'll go and he'll use that as a microphone.
And he'll, what he'll do is he'll, he'll, he'll sing,
he'll sing the blessing, uh, to, to my way.
Um, and it's, uh...
Written special lyrics to my way.
Special lyrics, he calls it Turkey Day.
Uh-huh.
Um, and, uh, a couple years ago, he tied a bunch of long green beans
together, used that as a cord.
Um, but it's, uh, it's good times and, uh, and it's good food.
Do you, do you get along with him?
Do you have a good relationship with him?
No.
Not so much.
Well, that's too bad.
We do, yeah.
No, after, after this, I, I don't know.
I could be eating, eating dinner.
I'd be eating dinner outside tomorrow.
I'll bring a warm coat.
Uh, are you, you get a chance to go to see the Yankees
or the Mets play when you're here?
You don't care about New York baseball?
Yes, I do.
No, well, no, I, uh, I'm a, I'm a Dodger fan, uh, at heart, yes.
Now, they're not doing well this season, are they?
Dave, don't be nasty.
Yeah.
They're, they're, they're in, uh, a division, uh, this year
called, uh, the NL Worst, instead of the West.
Uh, yeah, first place is the Padres, yet they are two,
I think two or three games under .500.
So the Dodgers are still within shot there.
Right.
Um, but I, I, I actually, I did, I went to a Yankee game yesterday.
Uh, and, uh, yeah, they, they had a big win in the 11th,
which I stayed for LA fans don't stay past the 7th or 6th.
Um, but I, I, I noticed something that was kind of interesting.
You know, everyone always talks about, you know,
New York fans are always tough.
You know, there's, you know, you, you get a beat down there
if you say the wrong thing.
Yeah.
Right.
Um, but I found them very, very nice, very, very engaging and polite.
And, and I was saying, you know, the LA fans at Dodger stadium
are much, much worse, much, much more, more dangerous.
I was, I was thinking there as I was, you know, having a nice time with these
people here.
In, in LA about a month ago, I'm sitting in my seats there.
I've got, I've got seats there, which are, uh, on the, on the loge level, uh,
right?
Which Hollywood terms would be the balcony, right?
Um, uh, second, second row right there on the, on the railing, right?
So I'm sitting there enjoying the game, despite the, the, the guy behind me who
is really getting
over served.
He is, um, he's getting, uh, he's getting redder and redder and more bloated
and bloated.
Right.
I mean, he's set to pop, you know, and he's just hissing out nasty things.
And so the people in front of us, true to form to LA, they, they take off in
the sixth inning.
And so I drape my legs over, over the back of the seat there, right?
Just to relax a little bit, this, uh, you know, sweaty and bloated gets up and
he wants
to, he wants to sit in that, in that chair because it's on the railing.
He wants to upgrade a little bit.
Yet there's seven more seats there on the, on the front row that he could sit
at.
But he clearly does not hold a ticket for that seat.
That's correct.
Well, then it's all over.
Well, he's not, he's not entitled to that seat.
Now that you, you sound like me there as I'm trying to, you know, rationalize
with a guy
who's about to either throw up or pop, you know?
So, um, so.
Did you say to him, may I see your ticket, please?
Um, I didn't want to tee him off there, you know, but so I'm on the aisle.
So he stands up, excuse me, and he, he, he stands next to me because I'm lounging.
And, uh, and he says, you know, I want, I want to sit there.
And I go, guy, what about these seats over here?
We can all hang out.
We can all relax.
He says, no, no, I want to sit there.
Damn it.
I can say, damn it.
So he, uh, so what he does is he sits it on, he sits on my feet.
Just has a seat right on your leg.
He sits right on my feet.
And that's not going to happen at Yankee Stadium.
No, no.
Right?
So he sits on my feet and I'm like, guy, what are you, come on, are you crazy?
He stands back up.
He goes, you get those feet off of there.
And this guy, he reaches down.
He grabs the front of my jeans, right, on the front, and rips my leg off the
chair.
Now, what this does is it scares me, A, but more importantly, it rips my jeans
all the way up to mid-thigh.
This whole seam comes up and now I'm wearing, you know, chaps.
But not chaps with anything underneath, it's chaps and just, you know, unattractive
hairy leg under there.
I mean, you know, I look like I'm, you know, late for some Western-themed gay
pride parade.
And so, but my manhood goes further out the window because I've just purchased
these jeans today, okay?
And what they are is they are jeans with a little bit of elastic in them, all
right?
Now, I'm not a real kind of, you know, shopper per se, but I did fancy these
jeans.
Because I've got, I've got these, like, these soccer thighs, right, and they
kind of, they bind up on you in regular manly Levi's.
So, and I get a little bit of a give in these.
These are pair number two.
So, so what happens is.
They look nice.
Right?
They're slimming.
They look very nice, yeah.
So, the elastic now is fraying out of the side of these jeans.
There's 40,000 people left in the stadium, and it's just, there's elastic
everywhere.
And what comes out of my mouth instead of what I should have done, which I
would have never have done because I'm a big scaredy cat, was get up and give
the guy a little piece of that.
What I scream, I said, you ripped my new jeans.
Wow.
That'll teach him a lesson.
So, now I get up, now I get up, and now, you know, little Mrs. Bateman wants to
file charges.
So, I grab my purse, I strike him with my purse a couple of times, I run up the
aisle way, and I go to file charges, just in a real tizzy, and, of course, I
miss, you know, the end of the ball game, and I got to go back the next day to
finish up the charges, and I figured, you know, forget it, I'll just throw
money at the problem, and I'm about these.
Yeah, well, there you go.
God, that's awful.
What an ugly story.
Would never happen at Yankee Stadium.
Congratulations.
I pride myself on doing quite a bit of diaper changing.
Yeah, good.
Amanda, my wife, will take issue with that when I get back to the hotel, but
this works for the story, babe.
So, since I do so much diaper changing, and I'm a big baseball nut, Francesca
does not like to get her diaper changed.
She likes to marinate in her own juices, but she likes to marinate in her own
juices, but she starts screaming because she's fouled herself, and then once we
get on the diaper changing table, I've got to, of course, incorporate a song,
and being that I'm a baseball fan, I like take me out to the ball game.
Well, that's perfect.
Well, that's perfect.
Right, so this one I've got down.
All right, let's hear it.
And so, um, so.
Pull.
All right, so, uh, let's go change the diaper, because Franny has pooped her
pants.
Yes.
Let's be a good girl and not reach down, and grab a straight piece and spread
it around.
They'll do that.
They'll do that.
You've got to grab their hands.
Wait, wait.
It's like we're not done.
Oh, what do you mean we're not done?
We're not done.
I think we're done.
No, we're not done.
Oh, I think we are.
Oh, he's in the corner, I think.
Come on, I've got a big finish.
All right, let's hear the finish.
Um, so it's, uh, poop, poop, poop made you cry, so lip, rip it off and wipe it
off.
We'll powder the bum and then we'll go find mom.
You look, uh, thin.
I mean, have you always been this thin?
I'm sick, real sick, Dave.
Really, I'm sorry, what's the problem?
This will be my last appearance.
Oh, no.
Um, uh, well, no, I, I'm not ill, um, but, uh.
You look great, I guess is what I should have said.
I have to, I, I, I have to work at it.
You know, my, my, my, my body does not happily or willfully discard.
What's left do you do to stay in shape?
Uh, I, I, I run a lot.
I run.
Well, that, that's great.
Good for you.
I'm on the mouse wheel, uh, at least, at least once a day.
Right.
Um, but what it does is it builds up a lot of stiffness in my back, in my legs.
Right.
Um, and.
It's supposed to be hard on a person, really.
It is, it is.
But, uh, when you've got a 350 pound man inside of you waiting to get out, you
run like hell.
So if you could, you would just eat everything in sight?
Is that the deal?
I would.
Yeah.
I would.
Yeah.
I would.
This doesn't work, though, does it?
No, it doesn't.
My body holds onto a great deal.
Mm-hmm.
Um, so, uh, so yeah, so I'm, I'm often stiff.
Um, and.
Hey, nobody likes a bragger.
When he comes out and announces that, that he's, oh, boy.
Yes.
You keep the heart rate up, you're going to have a good libido.
Okay.
Um, but.
So, so running, the running's hard on your, uh, joints.
Uh, forgive me.
Yep.
And, uh.
And, uh.
So what do you do?
Well, I'm out there in foofy la la land.
Mm-hmm.
And, and, and my foofy la la friends, uh, say that yoga's real good.
I've heard yoga's tremendous.
Um, it, that's a strong word.
It's, uh.
It's, it's, it's, um, I, I started at a very early age doing yoga, uh, because
my father was
very big on it, and I was, uh, still too young to outrun him.
So, um, so he would, he'd grab me, throw me in the car, along with my sister,
and, and
take us to, uh, a, a, a, a guy who taught yoga that is a, a huge national deal
now.
This guy, Bikram.
I don't know if you guys know who, who, who, Bikram is.
Oh, I, I didn't know it was a guy.
It's from a guy who developed that, uh, form of yoga?
No, no, no.
That, this, that was yonks ago.
But this guy is, uh, uh, this is thousands of years old, I, I'm, I'm told.
Oh, I thought it was the guy's name was Bikram.
I'm sorry.
No, the guy's nam