Name: Mitch Hedberg Doesn't Like New York City Sandwiches | David Letterman
Uploaded: 2026-02-05T16:00:21.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Mitch Hedberg Doesn't Like New York City Sandwiches | David Letterman' from Letterman on Comedy Buff. Published 2026-02-05. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Mitch Hedberg Doesn't Like New York City Sandwiches | David Letterman' from Letterman on Comedy Buff. Published 2026-02-05. Transcript available.

All right, all right, all right.
This suit is held together with safety pins,
so I can't move very much.
It will fall apart.
I was going to have my teeth whitened,
but then I said, screw that.
I'll just get a tan instead.
You know what, man?
I'm sick of following my dreams.
I'm just going to ask where they're going
and hook up with them later.
I got a nice hotel.
You know, I love hotels.
I met the girl who works at the front desk of my hotel.
She gave me her phone number.
It's zero.
I tried to call her from here.
Some other woman answered.
I said, you sound older.
I got a lot of vending machines.
I like it when you reach into the vending machine
to grab your candy bar.
That flap goes up to block you from reaching up.
That's a great invention, man.
Before that, it was hard times for the vending machine owner.
What candy bar are you getting?
That one.
And everyone on the bottom row?
I get the Reese's candy bar.
You know, Reese's, if you read that name, Reese's,
that's an apostrophe S on there.
The candy bar is his, man.
I didn't know that.
Next time you're eating the Reese's candy bar
and a guy named Reese comes by and says,
let me have that, you better hand it over.
I'm sorry, Reese.
I didn't think I would ever run into you.
You are a bully, man.
I like rice.
Rice is great when you're hungry
and you want 2,000 of something.
All right.
All right.
All right.
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
My mom loves those applause breaks.
Refried beans.
I like refried beans.
That's why I want to try fried beans,
because maybe they're just as good
and we're wasting time.
I went to a pizzeria.
I ordered a slice of pizza.
The dude gave me the smallest slice possible.
If the pizza was a pie chart
for what people would do
if they found a million dollars,
this dude gave me the donate to charity slice.
I would like to exchange this for the keep it.
I tried to walk into Target,
but I missed.
I think the entrance to Target
should have people splattered all around.
I was walking by a dry cleaner at 3 a.m.
and the sign said,
sorry, we're closed.
You don't have to be sorry.
It's 3 a.m.
and you're a dry cleaner.
It would be ridiculous for me
to expect you to be open.
I'm not going to walk in at 10
and say, hey, man,
I walked by at 3.
You guys were closed.
Somebody owes me an apology.
I've been working.
Hey, that's right.
You guys did that for my mom.
I've been working at a lot of colleges lately.
You know, I perform at the college
and I always buy the shirt from the college
because they're quality shirts
and they're colorful,
but people get the wrong idea.
You know, I walk around
with a Washington University shirt on
and someone goes,
hey, Washington, you,
did you go there?
Yeah.
It was a Wednesday.
Hey, man,
every book is a children's book
if the kid can read.
All right, all right, all right,
all right, all right.
Wait now, wait now, wait now.
Hey, man.
If you're watching the parade,
make sure you stand in one spot.
Don't follow it.
It never changes.
And if you don't like the parade,
run in the opposite direction.
You will fast forward the parade.
I got a, you know what, man?
I got a parrot.
The parrot talked,
but it did not say,
I'm hungry, so it died.
I like sandwiches,
but I, you know,
I hate sandwiches at New York delis.
It's too much meat on the sandwich.
It's like a cow with a cracker
on either side.
What would you like?
A pastrami sandwich?
Anything else?
Yeah, a loaf of bread
and some other people?
You know,
I order the club sandwich all the time,
and I'm not even a member, man.
I don't know how I get away with it.
I like my sandwiches
with three pieces of bread.
So do I.
Well, let's form a club.
Okay.
But we need some more stipulations.
Yes, we do.
Instead of cutting the sandwich once,
let's cut it again.
Yeah, four triangles.
Yeah, and in the middle,
we shall dump chips.
Let me ask you a question.
How you feel about frilly toothpicks?
I'm for them.
Thank you.
Thank you.