Name: Norm Macdonald Stand Up - Just for Laughs Audio Archives (1986) Rare early recording
Uploaded: 2019-03-17T19:09:30.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Norm Macdonald Stand Up - Just for Laughs Audio Archives (1986) Rare early recording' from Happy the Dog on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-03-17. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Norm Macdonald Stand Up - Just for Laughs Audio Archives (1986) Rare early recording' from Happy the Dog on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-03-17. Transcript available.

Thank you very much. I do watch a lot of parliamentary television. I come from
Ottawa. It's pretty exciting.
I go down, I watch Question Period, you know, and I think that's a good name
for it, Question Period, because there's never any answers.
Because, you know, these guys, Mulrooney, Turner, you know, they're very evasive,
these guys.
They know how to skirt around the question. Every time they get a direct
question, they know how to evade it.
You know, I was wondering if they were always like that, like even in grade
school.
The teacher would be going, Brian, can you tell us what four times two equals,
please?
Well, let me say, sir.
Let me suggest to you that perhaps that's a question better put to my classmate,
John.
Where was he, sir? Where was he when we studied subtraction?
And a lot of negative things were being said. Where was he?
Where was he when we took addition?
And a question of six and five was raised.
Where was he when we went through, where was he when we went through the long
division that tore apart this class?
When I was in the trenches with the books, sir, where was my honorable classmate?
Well, uh, well, I have explained that, uh, I returned to a private school for a
short time.
And, uh, well, now I'm back in public school, and this was a decision my
parents made, and, uh, I had no option.
Now, uh, now as far as the question of four times two goes, well, this is
something that, uh, perhaps I've not done my homework on.
And I confess that, however, I will be weighing all the factors and presenting
it in an algebraic framework, and, uh, you will have your answer tomorrow.
Out of that, uh, meanwhile, broadbent's at the back of the class going, the
answer is eight.
Yeah, but nobody's calling on him, so it doesn't matter, you know.
But, you know, we live in a good country now, we don't have to look to politics
for heroes anymore.
You know, we got heroes everywhere.
I live in Ottawa, and we got a big Canadian hero there now, his name is Mark
Garneau.
Mark Garneau.
Mark was the first Canadian in space since William Shatner.
So that's exciting.
I find out now the reason that Mark went up there in the first place was to
study motion sickness.
Yeah, this makes you feel proud to be a Canadian, you know.
Yeah, I can just see the scientists down at NASA going, gee, you know, it
wouldn't seem right for an American to throw up in space.
Hey, maybe we can get a chimpanzee or something.
Hell, what about a Canadian?
Sure, that's what we'll do.
They get him up in the shuttle, here, Mark, you just drink down this bacon
grease, we'll spin you around here a little bit.
How are you enjoying your adventure now, everybody?
But this is a big day for me, this is a big day.
I quit smoking today, and I'm pretty happy about that.
Thank you.
I try, it was hard for me because I smoke ever since I was a kid, you know.
I remember one time I was nine years old, I was behind my garage sneaking a
cigarette back there, and my dad caught me.
He hauled me in, I thought I was in for the strapping of my life.
What he did is he pulled out this big cigar, must have been half the size of my
arm, and he stuck it in my mouth, lit it up, made me smoke it all the way
through, right to the end.
That's when I started smoking cigars real heavy.
I finally quit, I went to my doctor, and he showed me a picture of a smoker's
lung, and it was really gross and disgusting.
Then he showed me a picture of this healthy guy's lung, and it was really gross
and disgusting, too.
Yeah, I think it's just lungs, that's why they put them on the inside, you don't
have to look at them all the time.
And I want to know where they got the picture of this healthy guy's lung.
You've got to figure he's not that healthy anymore, you know.
But I tried every gimmick to quit smoke, and I did everything.
I took one thing that was called aversion therapy.
It meant every time I had a cigarette, I had to burn a $10 bill.
So I was up to about a $3,500 a week habit there for a while, you know.
Then I took acupuncture, an old Chinese man stuck a needle in my ear.
Every time I had a craving for a cigarette, I'd throw up, which was pretty
embarrassing.
Especially right after sex.
You find it pretty hard to get that second date.
I don't know, I guess you should know enough now, this moment they've got
warnings right on the side of the package.
You know, I'm reading now, in Greenland, they've taken it even one step further
there.
What they do there is, on the back of the cigarette package, they put on
pictures of cancer victims.
Right on there, and this is a pretty pessimistic view, you know.
It's like a picture of the worst possible scenario.
You know, I hope they don't start doing this with other products.
Like, you walk into a bakery, buy a chocolate cake.
Picture some fat guy with no teeth on the back of it there, you know.
Or maybe you walk into a jewelry store, buy a nice diamond engagement ring for
your beautiful fiance.
There's a picture on the back of some old bag with curlers in her hair there.
Floppy slippers, watching soap operas all day on the back, you know.
They're not allowed to advertise for cigarettes, and I think that's a good idea.
I don't think they should be allowed to advertise for anything, you know.
I don't like these advertisements.
I saw this one the other day, you know, for cat food.
It was for cat food.
I don't know what they want us to believe.
At the end of it, it said, all natural food for your cat.
All natural food.
But cat food's made out of horse meat.
Yeah, that's the way it works in nature.
The cat right above the horse on the food chain.
As a matter of fact, every time my kitty gets a little cooped up in the
apartment, I like to take him down to the racetrack.
Let him stalk some prey.
It's so cute when he comes trotting back with a stallion in his mouth and drops
it in my feet there.
They just released on videocassette, I just got it, the old TV movie, The Day
After.
You ever see that?
Very frightening.
All about the end of the world, nuclear Armageddon, you know.
But there was one thing in that I couldn't understand.
Like the day before, the day after, when they find out the missiles are coming
and everything.
What does everybody in town do?
They all run into their supermarkets.
Try to stock up on supplies for the next day.
And I could understand that, but the part I couldn't understand is,
there were people working.
Yeah, that's the way I want to spend my last day of life on earth.
Sacking groceries, that's a good time.
Gee, good chance to pick up some overtime here.
They say now, they say that the day after is too violent for children.
Children shouldn't watch it.
You know, these sociologists, psychologists, I don't know who they are.
They're afraid everything's too violent for the kids.
They're afraid the children will copy what they see on the screen before them.
Even cartoons.
I was reading this one case about this kid from Arkansas.
What happened was he watched a particularly violent episode of the Roadrunner Coyote
Show.
And the next day, they found him in the bottom of a canyon, two giant springs
strapped to his feet.
And near the scene of the crime, they found a little umbrella.
Sign said, Yikes.
And now his parents are suing the Acne Company.
It's a terrible story.
Well, you guys have been a great crowd.
That's it for me.
Enjoy this.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.