Name: Norm Macdonald's first ever appearance on CONAN (1993) Stand Up
Uploaded: 2019-03-19T20:46:39.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Norm Macdonald's first ever appearance on CONAN (1993) Stand Up' from Happy the Dog on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-03-19. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Norm Macdonald's first ever appearance on CONAN (1993) Stand Up' from Happy the Dog on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-03-19. Transcript available.

My next guest is a very funny comedian. He performs regularly at stand-up New
York and Caroline's here in New York City. Please welcome Norm MacDonald.
Thank you. Thanks. Thanks. Well, hey. Hello.
Hello. No, no, you don't understand. A big week for me today. I bought a dog
and, man, I don't know about you, but...
These dogs are getting kind of expensive, aren't they? Aren't they? What the
hell's going on with the price of dogs? I mean, what's the deal there with the
dogs?
So I go to this dog store, you know, and a typical salesman there, you know, he's
one of them big, high-pressure dog salesman types, you know?
So the guy tries to sell me his dog. 500 bucks, you know, big 500-buck dog, and
I'm looking to pay, you know, maybe a buck or two bucks, maybe.
I'm thinking two bucks.
That was my ceiling, you know, two bucks. I figured that's... I'm not going
higher than two bucks.
What am I, made of money?
So the guy goes, no, no, he says, buy this dog here. He says, this is a pit
bull. It would protect your valuables, this dog, you know?
And, uh, I don't have any valuable. I don't own anything. What do I look like?
I own stuff, you know?
I buy the pit bull. That would be the most valuable thing I own. That would be
the thing.
Then I have to buy something to protect it, you know? Then I'd be out...
I'd be shopping for wolverines the next day, you know? I'd be...
I'd be going, what do you got in a timber wolf? Show me something in a timber
wolf. What do you got? You got anything in a timber wolf there? What do you got?
You got it, you know? They're an expensive dog, you know? That's my point.
Where the hell did that dog even come from, a pit bull? I never heard of that
dog. When I grew up, there was no pit bulls, you know?
That's not even a... How does a dog just show up like that one day, you know?
When I was a kid, the toughest dog was a Doberman dog. You ever see them? They're
a tough...
Oh, man, they'll rip your throat out, them dogs.
Just like a pit bull. That's how they kill you.
They...
And they rip your throat out and you die, you know?
But I'm not telling you anything you don't know.
But they're a dangerous dog. I don't buy no dangerous dogs, I'll tell you that.
I buy a nice... I always buy a dog that if I have to, I can take them.
You know, that's my...
I always...
I got a wiener dog. I got one of them.
That's a nice dog, a wiener dog.
They can't rip your throat out.
Unless you're lying down, you know?
That'd be the only way.
You'd have to be lying down, sleeping.
And then late at night, the wiener dog would sneak up
and start nibbling at your throat there.
And then you wake up.
Oh, get away from me, you wiener dog!
What the hell do you think you are?
A pit bull or something?
You're not a pit bull.
You're nothing but a wiener dog.
It's ridiculous.
It's all you'll ever be.
When you think about it.
Oh, man, but I love my wiener dog.
You know?
You don't see Dobermans anymore.
You know what's that?
Pit bulls now everywhere.
Dobermans like a forgotten dog.
You know, you never see a Doberman.
Once in a while, you see them
like you'd be on a park bench with a Frisbee.
I used to be somebody.
I'm a Doberman.
But, oh, I love my wiener dog.
I got him a nice gift.
It's his birthday.
He's got a lot of birthdays.
I got him one of them rubber bones.
You ever see them?
That's a fun gift.
Not for a dog.
And then the dog gets it and goes,
Ah, yeah, not a bone.
Yeah, a million laughs.
It's not a bone at all.
Okay, well, hey, that's it for me, huh?
Hey, you guys have been great.
Hey, enjoy it.
Good night.
Good night.
Good night.
Norm MacDonald, everyone.