Name: Norm Macdonald Hosts the ESPY Sports Awards (1998) Promo, Intro & Monologue
Uploaded: 2019-03-25T21:40:10.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Norm Macdonald Hosts the ESPY Sports Awards (1998) Promo, Intro & Monologue' from Happy the Dog on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-03-25. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Norm Macdonald Hosts the ESPY Sports Awards (1998) Promo, Intro & Monologue' from Happy the Dog on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-03-25. Transcript available.

I finally feel like I'm breaking out of my dad's shadow.
Yeah, that's great, Brett.
Hi, I'm Norm Macdonald, host of this year's ESPYs.
Please join me in sports grades like Bobby Hull's son here.
Man, that guy was good, Bobby Hull.
Tell you, there'll never be another one like him.
You know, Norm, I'm kind of concerned.
We're 30 minutes from showtime,
and I can only hope you're a quick dresser.
Well, I'm dressed.
That's what you're wearing?
Yeah, I thought, you know.
Well, it's a look.
You know, with an award show, don't you think acceptance speeches
are the key to a successful award show?
What do you look for in an acceptance speech?
What do I look for?
Gloating.
You know, laughing at the other people who lost.
You know, our viewers might be concerned about your athletic ability.
Do you think it's key for a host to have athletic ability?
Yeah, I don't work out.
But I haven't worked out for, um, forever.
I never worked out.
Really?
But you know what?
I looked good when I was young.
That was when I was in my prime shape, when I was like, one?
I swear to God.
People would, I'd even look young for my age, people would go,
what are you, zero?
Not, not, not.
It's not true.
Not true.
All right.
Norm, good luck.
Good luck to you.
All right, good luck to you, too.
Thanks.
Nice outfit.
Hey, thanks.
I'm glad you like the blue.
Sexy.
We like the look.
Yeah.
Live from Radio City Music Hall.
We'll pray for you sports fans.
It's that time again.
The SP Awards here on ESPN.
In ballparks, on ice, on fields and the courts.
Tonight we rejoice in the greatest of sports.
Lemons and Maddox, group once and for all who the best pitchers are.
They got major league balls.
The Redskins and Stars have had a hell of a year.
But for the rest of the league, get the puck out of here.
Those Sears and Bird Broncos, they really kicked butt.
John Elway bent over and yelled, hot, hot, hot.
Our NBA All-Stars score when they wish.
They take it to the home and go swish, swish, swish.
N-H-L-W-B-A, N-F-L-L-P-G-A.
Hooray for you sports fans.
It's that time again.
It's your team.
All right, all right, all right.
That's enough.
That's enough for this.
That's enough.
What the hell are you doing for, God's sakes, the ESPYs?
What the hell are you supposed to do?
I'm a hockey player.
Yeah, you're a hockey player.
What the hell are you doing here?
What's wrong with it?
This is insane.
What kind of joint are you running here?
Trying to do the ESPYs here, for God's sakes.
We've got a good mind to have one.
Evander Holyfield.
Evander Holyfield, why are you doing it in a chorus line?
You have a problem with that?
A problem?
No, no, I don't here.
Hey, Warren, what's happening, David?
Holy Lord.
Are you kidding me?
Dancing in Radio City?
This is better than a final four, baby.
It's awesome, baby.
Well, I was wrong.
I guess I've learned what the ESPYs are really all about.
Singing and dancing.
Oh, great boy, you sports fans.
It's that time again.
The ESPY awards here on ESPN.
Now, your host, Norm MacDonald.
Thank you very much.
Well, thank you very much.
I'm very excited to be here.
You know, when I was asked to host the ESPYs this year.
Yeah, hi, that's my name.
Esma.
When I was asked to host the ESPYs this year, folks, I said yes.
Immediately.
For one reason, and one reason only.
This show has interns.
I'll be having a little improper relations backstage a little later.
But, man, it's great to be here at the sixth annual ESPY awards.
Hard to believe, huh, that the ESPYs are six years old.
Although...
Although Anthony Mason swears they're 18.
So, yeah, he'll be having sex with the ESPYs in about 12 years.
So, I was a little late here tonight.
I took a cab to the theater, folks.
And I don't know if you've ever been to these New York City cabs.
But I got one of those cabbies, couldn't speak English, you know.
Saw his name there on the dash.
I couldn't even pronounce it.
I think it was something like Hideki Arabu.
Something like that.
Arabu's been having some trouble, man.
They fired his translator.
Steinbrenner fired his translator.
And people see that as cruel, you know.
But I don't know, you know.
I mean, if you're not doing well in Yankee Stadium, you know.
Do you really need a translator?
Do you want that?
You know?
You know?
Okay, hey, what'd they say?
They say you suck.
You should go back to Japan, you dirty foreigner.
Okay, I got it.
I'm trying to pitch over here.
It's great to be here on ESPN.
I love sports, man.
I got it.
Man, you can see sports on ESPN you don't see on other networks.
You know, like kickboxing.
That's my favorite sport.
Kickboxing is great.
When you think about it, it combines the style and grace of boxing with kicking.
She seems kind of immature.
Just backstage, a lot of celebrities back there, man.
I was talking to Jerry Jones, you know, the Cowboys owner.
And he's disappointed, obviously.
Yeah.
Well, he's a good guy, though, man.
He's talking about rebuilding the team, you know.
And he told me, he says, we have to get back to what made us a championship
team.
Strippers and crack.
Hey, have you heard about this?
Ted Turner and NBC plan to start their own rival football league to compete
with the NFL.
And not much known about the specifics of this new league, except for this, it
will suck.
They know that.
So they might have trouble, you know, getting advertisers when we know it will
suck.
And, of course, congratulations to the Denver Broncos for winning the Super
Bowl.
How about that?
That's good.
There it is.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Denver did great, you know.
There he is.
I love the Denver fans, you know, because, for one thing, they don't wear food
on their heads.
That's nice.
And they had a wild celebration in Denver after that Super Bowl, man.
And now city officials expect an even wilder celebration if the Nuggets win 10
games this year.
They say they're going to...
They say the whole city's going to go nuts.
Yeah, the Nuggets are having a bad year this year, man.
Matter of fact, they're making a film about the team.
They had a pretty catchy title.
It's, uh, Black Men Can't Jump Either.
Well, NBA All-Star Weekend over.
That was exciting, man.
The East beat the West.
Jeff Hornacek won the three-point shootout.
Houston's Clyde Drexler and Cynthia Cooper won that exciting two-ball thing.
Charles Barkley won the throw-a-guy-through-a-plate-glass-window contest.
So that was...
That was quite a game, you know.
I mean, you know who impressed me the most yesterday was Kobe Bryant.
Unbelievable.
This guy, this guy's amazing.
19 years old, the youngest starter ever in the All-Star Game, and he played so
well that today he was named spokesman for NBC's new public service campaign
called, uh,
Screw It, Who Needs College?
Of course, the biggest story in basketball, no question about it.
Yeah, Michael Jordan may retire after this season, and it's terrible news for
Bull fans, you know.
But it is terrific news for golf hustlers.
They're happy about it.
But Jordan is very serious, though, about leaving.
In fact, he's already called the Hall of Fame to make sure that his plaque
bears his basketball nickname, Air Jordan, and not his baseball nickname,
Senior Crappy.
That would just be disrespectful, you know.
Well, how about them Winter Olympics?
They're finally underway, so we've got a lot of great stuff to look forward to
in the next two weeks, like hockey and, uh, well, just hockey, really.
I was watching last night, I saw speed skating, and, uh, my goodness, you know,
could the outfits they wear be any tighter?
Holy Lord.
There was an East German woman, I swear, you could see the outline of her
entire penis.
It was...
It was crazy.
Oh, my goodness.
Well, there's all kinds of sports celebrities in the audience tonight.
I see Tiger Woods right there.
Tiger Woods, how about that, huh?
He's up for Golf, of course, he's up for Golfer of the Year, uh, this, uh, this
ESPYs.
And you know who I feel sorry for, uh, folks, is the other two guys nominated
for Golfer of the Year.
You see these guys getting ready, you know, it's like, hey, honey, have you
seen my tuxedo?
No, no, no, not the good one.
The one I wear when I'm gonna get my ass kicked.
Have you seen that one?
Boomer Esaijan is with us.
Boomer.
How are you doing, buddy?
Boomer, of course, will replace Frank Gifford on Monday Night Football, uh,
next season.
And, uh...
Frank, uh, Frank told reporters that this will allow him to spend more time
with his wife and children.
And then he broke down and cried for 45 minutes, so...
And there's Charles Woodson.
How about that?
Oh, what a season he had.
Great, man.
He became the first defensive player to win the Heisman Trophy.
And congratulations, Charles.
That is something that no one can ever take away from you.
Unless you kill your wife and a waiter.
In which case...
All bets are off.
It's a word of advice.
Folks, before we can begin handing out our awards tonight, we must...
Yeah.
Our house fans tonight, could we be any lucky, er, features blues sensation
Johnny Lang, right here.
And also we have hip-hop legend Grandmaster Flash, right over there.