Name: Norm Macdonald Stand Up - Just for Laughs The Lost Tapes (1995) Soft Spoken Hard Biting
Uploaded: 2019-03-28T15:04:05.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Norm Macdonald Stand Up - Just for Laughs The Lost Tapes (1995) Soft Spoken Hard Biting' from Happy the Dog on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-03-28. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Norm Macdonald Stand Up - Just for Laughs The Lost Tapes (1995) Soft Spoken Hard Biting' from Happy the Dog on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-03-28. Transcript available.

You know, it's what's inside that counts, you know, you got to be a good person.
I'm trying to be a good person now, you know, and do stuff. I'm trying not to
lie, you know. Everybody lies, but you try not to, right? You do your best.
You ever lie, this is a bad thing, when you ever lie, like for no reason at all,
you know, just lie all of a sudden, you don't even know what the fuck's going
on, just a big fucking lie will spill out of your evil head there, you know,
you don't even know why you're doing it.
You know, I could go out and come up and go, hey, you ever see that movie with
Meryl Streep and the horse? And then you go, yes.
Then in the back of your head, you go, what the fuck am I lying about over here?
I stand the game nothing by this lie. What the hell am I thinking back here in
my head?
Then you got to hope the guy doesn't keep talking to you about the movie,
because you don't know what the fuck.
The guy's like, yeah, I remember that one scene where the guy from the barn,
they come out there, who was that guy who was in that other movie there?
He's in a lot of things, it's hard to know, but who was that guy who came out
with the barn, the barn of the movie there?
And you go, oh, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, a horse, there was a horse.
So, I don't do much, I'm too lazy, that's my problem, hanging around on my
couch, watching the TV, you know, and just too lazy, you know, and not doing
anything.
I realized this the other day, I could get hit by a truck, more, a big truck
could hit me, paralyze me from the neck down, going to affect my lifestyle a
bit, really, you know.
I've been lying around watching the TV.
That's a tragedy, a guy like Christopher Reeves, you know, he gets paralyzed,
the guy's like an equestrian, and, you know, he does stunts in his movies, and,
you know.
And here I am, able-bodied, what the hell do I need my limbs for?
It's a sad thing.
That must be tough for Christopher Reeves, huh?
You know what, I think guys, when they hear about a guy being paralyzed from
the neck down, they only really think, uh, Jesus, the guy's cock's paralyzing.
You know, you don't think, oh my God, the guy's ankles are gone?
Good Lord.
Because I've had, you ever have guys where your cock doesn't work?
That's like the worst goddamn thing ever, huh?
You know, you'd be with a girl, and all of a sudden your cock doesn't work, and,
you know, the girl's always like, oh, don't worry about it.
You go, what the fuck are you talking about?
It's my cock.
Doesn't work, for God's sake.
I'm going down to emergency right now.
Getting the hell down there.
I can't think of anything else I'd rather, you know, lose than my cock, I'll
tell you that.
Because some guys, their cock never works for the rest of their life.
At least with other things, you know, like they go, hey, buddy, your liver
doesn't work anymore.
You're going to die in six months.
And then you go, oh, okay, well, that's too bad, but I guess I'll go fuck
somebody or something.
Anyway.
You know, it's tough, but.
But with your cock, they go, yes, sir, your cock doesn't work, but the good
news is, you'll live another 60 years.
So you go, oh, good, thank you.
I guess I'll take up bowling or something like that.
That's probably what Christopher Reeves is most concerned about right now, is
his cock, you know.
I don't think he worries about it.
They always do like these six and a half hour operations and the guy, you know,
all right, Christopher, well, after that giant surgery you had yesterday, you
can now move your head up a quarter of an inch, put it on a pillow.
What do you think of that?
He's like, yeah, yeah, listen, any word on my cock at all?
Well, is there a, you can just focus on a cock maybe for the next couple of
weeks.
I'm sorry, I didn't mean to talk about that.
Well, it's good to be here in New York, man.
Oh, my God, it's gross in New York.
You ever been to New York?
What a gross place.
Good Lord.
What were they thinking?
They've got a thing in New York now.
They've got the homeless people, you know, and what they do now is they have
the homeless people sell this newspaper on the street.
It's called Street News, and it's made, it's published by homeless people, and
it's written by homeless people.
And, you know, it's not a great newspaper, but never gets any of the scoops.
But, uh, I was wondering, like, uh, you know, imagine the newsroom at this
fucking place, you know?
The homeless guys just pissing on the typewriters and everything.
You know, you've got the gruff old grizzly, you know, editor.
All right, Anderson, what do you got for me?
Well, I'm working on a story there about the chip in my head.
I'm getting the signals from John D. Rockefeller.
Rockefeller.
I was at his funeral.
I was at John D. Rockefeller's funeral.
I saw him put him in the ground there.
John D. Rockefeller.
I like it.
Get to work on that.
Johnson, what do you got for me?
Well, I'm working on this kind of a lifestyle story.
What I've noticed is trend.
Me and my friends, what we like to do is we all, uh, what we do is we, uh, we
piss in our pants.
And then we, uh, we shit in our pants.
I like it.
That's a five-part series if I've ever heard one.
Henderson.
Okay, folks, that's it for me.
you