Name: Norm Macdonald - White House Roast w/ Bill Clinton & Darrell Hammond (WHCD 1997) Full Version
Uploaded: 2019-03-28T15:29:09.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Norm Macdonald - White House Roast w/ Bill Clinton & Darrell Hammond (WHCD 1997) Full Version' from Happy the Dog on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-03-28. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Norm Macdonald - White House Roast w/ Bill Clinton & Darrell Hammond (WHCD 1997) Full Version' from Happy the Dog on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-03-28. Transcript available.

Norm Macdonald - White House Roast w/ Bill Clinton & Darrell Hammond (WHCD 1997) Full Version

Thank you, Dan, and congratulations again to our colleagues at CNN.
Now it is my honor to introduce the President of the United States.
Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen, members of Congress, members of the
press, fellow
sufferers. I would like to thank the Radio and Television Correspondence
Association for
inviting me this evening. I want to give Terry Murphy a special thanks for the
kind introduction
and also given my condition, I'd like to give a special thank you to the Ridgewell
Catering
Company for bringing me here tonight. Enough laughs. I have come here tonight
to speak about
a topic of perennial concern in Washington, something we never get around to
doing anything
about. And that is the close, some would even say cozy relationship between the
rarefied
elites who make public policy and those who report on it. And on that topic,
just let me
say this, congratulations, Andrea. You know that fellow standing next to you in
the newspaper
photos a few days ago, he looked exactly like Alan Greenspan, only exuberant.
I want all of you to know that until recently I had planned out a really
dramatic entrance to
this dinner. And then George Bush stole my thunder. I mean, look at this. This
guy is 72 years old.
He jumps out of a plane at 12,000 feet. He lands without a scratch. I fall six
inches and I'm crippled
up for six months. Ridiculous. Now, as you might imagine, my injured knee adds
complications to my schedule.
In fact, you know, just when I was on the way over here tonight, as you have
seen, my press secretary, Mike McCurry,
just handed me a note. According to wire reports, former President Bush has
just bungee jumped off the
Seattle Space Needle.
That reminds me, I was supposed to make another announcement tonight. Mr.
Murphy has asked me to
tell you that the Radio and Television Correspondence Association has decided
to adopt
the practices of the Democratic National Committee. That means you can all pick
up your $1,000 refund
checks on the way out tonight. You know, I'm getting a little sick of these
fundraising stories. But
here I am, I'm doing the best to do the job the American people sent me here to
do. But with all this
ruckus in Washington these days, we have to work harder and harder to sort of
be heard through the den.
So my staff worked up a few new ideas that we thought might break through.
I want you to be the judge. After all, it's your den.
Here are the suggestions. Take a cue from the TV show, Ellen.
Start a rumor that in the last presidential press conference of the season, my
character will become
a libertarian. Announce that we discovered signs of life on Mars. We already
tried that.
And some of you bought it. I couldn't believe it.
Announce that I will fight Evander Holyfield any time, any place.
Here's the vice president's suggestion.
Sign an executive order hiring people on welfare to install computers in our
nation's classrooms,
to email messages to neighborhood watch volunteers, to use their cell phones to
call a hundred thousand
community police officers, to remind the one million literacy tutors to show up
to work.
If all else fails, push myself down a flight of stairs.
As you know, that's the one we decided to go with.
It worked for a while and I'd do it again. I may have to.
Thank you very much, Mike.
Ladies and gentlemen, you'll be pleased to learn that former President Bush
has just successfully jumped the Snake River Canyon on a rocket powered
motorcycle.
Now he's just taunting me.
You know, one of the results of being bummed up for a while is that I've gotten
to watch a lot more
television than normal and I spent a day in the hospital just sort of channel
flipping, surfing,
that's what you call it now. And I was amazed at the way all these different
channels struggle to
accurately but uniquely cover my surgery.
C-SPAN, of course, provided live uninterrupted coverage of my injured knee.
While C-SPAN 2 devoted full coverage to my other knee.
Within an hour of the accident, CNN had composed ominous theme music
and put up a graphic, breaking news, breaking knees.
I knew it was going to be a major story when their headline news devoted a full
five seconds to it.
MSNBC immediately proclaimed itself the state-of-the-art global interactive
command center for all leg-related news.
ESPN broke into the North Carolina, Colorado basketball game with a breathless
bulletin
that Greg Norman was just fine.
PBS kept interrupting coverage of my knee for pledge drives.
For every hundred dollar donation, you got a commemorative x-ray of my leg.
Bob Novak went on Crossfire to argue the positive aspects of debilitating knee
injuries for Democrats.
It was MTV.
It was MTV.
All they wanted to know was, did I wear a hospital gown or pajamas?
Thank you, Mike.
Ladies and gentlemen,
President Bush has just had himself manacled,
placed inside a padlock trunk,
and submerged off the coast of Kennebunkport.
The clock is ticking.
Our prayers are with him.
Anyway,
I'm back on my feet.
And I'm working for the American people.
Congress is basking session this week.
That came as a surprise to people in Washington who didn't know it was away.
Things have been so slow this year, C-SPAN is actually showing reruns of the
104th Congress.
And we can't get agreement to change the consumer price index.
That's the hang up on this whole budget deal.
And there are Democrats and Republicans in the House.
They're scared to death of it.
But you know, a small change in the CPI could shave billions of dollars from
the deficit,
add years and years to the life of the Social Security Trust Fund.
Now, I know this is a complicated issue for some people.
And I've been looking for some simple way to explain it.
And so consider how we might re-index some other statistics.
For example, a report said last month that we Americans are the heaviest people
in the world.
Working together, reaching across party lines, we can change all that.
Instead of 16 ounces to a pound, we'll say there's 20.
That way, a person who weighs 260 pounds would weigh 160.
200 pounds would weigh 160.
Think about it.
Overnight, Democrats and Republicans can make America the thinnest nation in
the world.
Let me tell you, I'm doing the best I can, but actually I'm kind of hurting.
The worst thing about this injury is it's hard to stand for long periods of
time.
And about this time, I start to get tired.
So I'm going to sort of sit down with a confession.
When I signed that executive order banning cloning research,
it was too late to do anything about an experiment or two that had already been
started.
But one of them has come in handy in moments like this.
Bill, would you mind?
Mr. President, have a seat.
By the way, I'd appreciate it if you'd refer to me as Mr. President.
I think you've earned it.
Mr. President, members of the House and Senate, ladies and gentlemen.
As you can see, I'm also Bill Clinton.
Typically, when I come in to mop up at the end of an event like this, I'll just
finish reading from some prepared text and say things like,
"We must find common ground.
We're going to build a bridge to the 21st century."
I'll have to refer you to Lanny Davis on that one.
"Yada, yada, yada, yada, yada."
Mr. President, Mr. President.
This is odd.
Evidently, George Bush has successfully escaped and has been spotted swimming
toward the coast of Maine.
What the hell does that mean?
Where was I?
Oh, yeah.
You know what I would like to tell you all about tonight?
How much I, hey, how much I hate waiting around to see if I'm going to pinch
hit for him today.
It's demeaning, it's dehumanizing.
I don't know how Al Gore's put up with it all these years.
But I, I shouldn't complain.
I mean, if you're going to be a clone, you could do, you're not going to do a
whole lot better than being a clone
of the President of the United States.
The key to being a clone is making sure you're the clone of somebody cool.
Let's face it, this gig could be a whole lot worse.
Imagine waking up and finding out you're a Bob Dornan clone.
Sitting up all night counting votes.
It is not for the squeamish.
I did get some, uh, some work done, uh, I had a meeting with, uh, some members
of Congress about some, uh, chemical weapons, uh, some treaty type thing.
Mr. President, uh, remind me, are we for that or against it?
I'll tell you what, I do love that red phone.
Oh, by the way, maybe you ought to be the one to call Yeltsin back and
apologize.
If I call him again, I'll just make it worse.
I'll come back up here.
Mr. President of the United States.
I have to take this over before it gets out of hand.
I have to take this over before it gets out of hand.
God knows I can't afford to jeopardize my relationship with the press corps.
But I want to thank you, Bill, uh, or Mr. President.
By the way, I wrote up a to-do list for you, uh, for the next couple of days.
As usual, uh, there's the morning jog.
You have to do that now.
Tomorrow at 3:30, I have a conflict.
I have a root canal appointment and a press conference in the East Room.
I know it's going to hurt, but would you mind doing the press conference?
No, wait a minute, I couldn't ask anybody else to do that, even me.
Actually, I enjoy these press conferences, and I, uh, I enjoy coming here every
year.
I thank you all for what you've done to sustain our democracy for nearly 225
years.
Our country is still a work in progress, and I look forward to building on that
progress with you.
I even look forward to these dinners, and I really wouldn't want to send anyone
else in my place.
So I want to thank all of you for having Hillary, me, and me here this evening.
In closing, let me say, we must find common ground.
We are going to build that bridge to the 21st century.
I do have to refer you to Lanny Davis on that one.
Yada, yada, yada.
Good night and thank you very much.
Thank you.
I'm not really sure who to thank, but, uh, thank Daryl Hammond from Saturday
Night Live.
And thank you again, Mr. President, for coming back.
Continuing with this Saturday Night Live theme, our next speaker is currently
in his fourth season on that show.
He doesn't do an impression of the President, but he does a great impression of
Bob Dole, Andy Rooney, and Charles Corralt.
Recently, he ranked number two on Rolling Stone's list of the 101 best things
about watching television.
And once a week, he gets a taste of our jobs when he anchors that program's
weekend update.
Please join me in welcoming Norm MacDonald.
All right.
I won't be as funny as that last bit.
Just so you know, you know.
Well, good evening, Mr. President, Mrs. First Lady, uh, and the distinguished
members of the radio and
television correspondence dinner, you know, when I accepted the honor of
performing here tonight,
one thought crossed my mind, and that was, uh, please, God, don't let me bomb
in front of the President.
But I'm not worried.
What the hell do I care?
You know, I got, I worked on all my jokes.
I got a lot of help from, uh, from my joke writer, Don Imus.
He was, uh, helped me a lot.
Are you familiar?
You know this guy?
He's a funny guy.
He wrote some jokes.
Anyways, the dinner was great.
Did you enjoy the dinner?
We had some salmon.
Yeah, it was delicious.
It was great.
And, uh, I thought it was, you know, I thought it was refreshing to see
Democrats
serve something other than subpoenas for a change.
I thought that was nice, you know?
I'll be doing some jokes later.
I just thought I'd...
Oh, but you know, it is rather daunting to me.
You know, I'm just a guy, you know?
What the hell am I?
And here I am, you know, I look out, I see President Bill Clinton, you know,
I see Secretary of State Madeleine Albright, you know, media mogul Rupert Murdoch,
you know, a broadcast legend Larry King, you know, a pornographer Larry Flint,
you know,
Dick Morris.
The list is starting to drop off a little, folks, but still, you get the idea.
It's daunting.
And, of course, it was very inspiring to see President Clinton up here on crutches
making
a speech.
I mean, I thought tha