Name: Norm Macdonald Stand Up - Caroline's Comedy Hour (1991)
Uploaded: 2019-03-31T19:25:32.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Norm Macdonald Stand Up - Caroline's Comedy Hour (1991)' from Happy the Dog on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-03-31. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Norm Macdonald Stand Up - Caroline's Comedy Hour (1991)' from Happy the Dog on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-03-31. Transcript available.

Hey, what do you think of that intro, that Levi Coca joke?
I wrote it.
Well, good to be here, eh?
I quit smoking.
You ever try to do that?
Yeah.
Man, that's a tough thing, huh?
Smoking ever since I was a kid.
I always remember smoking, you know?
Remember one time I was a little kid, I was six or eight or ten or something
like that
or four or some even number, and I was behind a garage, I was sneaking a
cigarette back there,
sneaking a cigarette behind my garage, and my dad caught me, I'll never forget
it.
His big head, I may forget it one day, I don't know, but I remember it now.
You never know what you're going to forget, you know?
Ravaged by syphilis, you know, in your later years, you might remember nothing.
But, you never see a guy ravaged by syphilis anymore, you ever notice it?
No excuse for that.
His big head came around the corner of the garage there and caught me, there I
was sneaking
my cigarette, and he hauled me in, I thought I was in for the strapping of my
life, you know?
What he did is he pulled out his big cigar, must have been half the size of my
arm, this giant cigar.
Stuck it in my mouth, lit it up, made me smoke it all the way through, right to
the end.
And that's when I started smoking cigars.
That plan didn't work out too good there.
There was another time I remember, now that I'm thinking about it there.
I was behind my garage again.
As luck would happen.
There I was, smoking a big fat joint back there.
Don't do drugs.
And, uh, my dad's big head showed up again.
And he hauled me in, I thought I was in for the strapping of my life, you know?
But, uh, injected me with heroin.
That time right there.
Can you believe something like that would happen?
He was a strict man, I'll tell you that right now.
He's strict but fair.
Tough but cruel.
His toughness was more than offset by his cruelty.
Oh, man, but you gotta quit smoking.
Otherwise, you gotta be an old guy.
And then unhealthy, sick, and everything like that.
Although some guys know.
You ever meet those old guys?
Doesn't matter what the hell they do to themselves.
You know, they still grow old.
Be the oldest bastard you ever met in your life, you know?
Every day I smoke four packs of cigarettes.
I drink a bottle of Jack Daniels.
And I hit myself in the head with a shovel.
Every day.
I'd like to die.
I can't die.
I can't see.
One time I put a shotgun in my mouth.
Blew the whole back of my head out.
That's just like ringing in the ears for something.
Ah, but what the hell.
I ain't gotta stay in shape.
That's the thing.
Now that I quit smoking.
I'm gonna get in shape, work out, and everything like that.
I haven't worked out forever.
I never worked out.
Has it been that long?
I was gonna lie to you there, but I decided not to.
You ever lie?
You ever lie to a guy for no reason at all?
Like, usually there's a reason, eh?
You wanna, you know, protect somebody's feelings or, you know,
screw over your buddy Larry or something like that?
But you ever lie for no reason?
Just all of a sudden a big lie will spill out of your evil head there, you know?
You don't even know why, you know?
Like, a guy come up and you go, "Hey, you ever see that movie with Meryl Streep
and the horse?"
And then you go,
And then you go, "What the hell am I lying about over here?
I stand to gain nothing by this lie.
What the hell am I thinking back here in my head?"
And then you go, "What the hell am I thinking back here in my head?"
But, uh, you gotta stay in shape there, that's what I'm saying, you know?
I like sports, I watch any sport on TV, anything at all.
The only sports I don't like.
You ever see them sports where they'll try to combine two sports together?
You know, make up a new sport?
You know, they don't even go together, like,
"Guy will run a 100-yard dash and then fish."
You know, the guy's fishing in a creek over there.
I like game shows, they win a lot of money.
Hey, you ever get a lottery ticket?
It's a little bit to do with a game show thing.
You ever get a lottery ticket there?
A guy give it to you as a gift?
That's what I got for Christmas.
A guy give me a lottery ticket.
And, uh, what a stinking gift that is, huh?
What the hell's the guy thinking there?
I go, "Here you go, nothing."
"Merry Christmas, nothing."
"Best of the season to you there."
"It's nothing."
"I'm giving it to you."
You know, unless it wins, then it's time.
But let's face it, you give a guy a lottery ticket,
you know, you don't want us to win.
That's the last thing you want there, you know?
You don't want your buddy to be a winner,
you want to be a loser like you, you know?
What the hell are you looking for?
That'd be a nightmare, imagine that.
Give a guy a lottery ticket for Christmas there,
and get a call a week later.
"Hey, Bill, what's happening there?"
"Yeah, I remember that ticket I gave you."
"14 million bucks, huh?"
Well, I guess I'm going to finish this joke then.
I had some more, but you know.
"Ah, what are you going to do, eh?"
I don't know.
"Hey, I had one of those weird dreams last night."
"You ever have one of them dreams where, you know,
it's right in the middle of the dream,
the best part of the dream,
and then you wake up, you know?
And there you are, back in your stinking life again."
"So you try to fall asleep, you know, re-dream it."
"Man, that never works there, you know?"
"Always end up with some weird mutation
of your original dream, you know?"
"I was having this dream last night,
I was in a pool with Christie Brinkley,
and we were going toward each other,
me and Christie Brinkley,
and I woke up and I had to re-dream,
and then I ended up shooting pool with David Brinkley."
"Ah, so what are you going to do, eh?"
"What are you going to do?"
"That's what I say, you know?"
"Well, I only got 30 seconds,
and all my jokes take way more than that,
but, uh, I have nothing to say."
"Let me tell you this though, laughter, my friends,
laughter is the best medicine, you know?
That's for sure, isn't it? Isn't it?"
"That's for damn sure."
"You betcha."
"Yes, indeedy."
"Yep."
"Unless you're a diabetic."
"And then insulin is the best medicine, you know?"
"You know, finding a coma
in front of a Three Stooges movie or something, you know?"
"That's no good."
"Hey, I'm done. Hey, thanks a lot, folks."
"Start clapping, eh?"
"Hey, keep clapping."
"Hey, keep clapping."
"Hey, keep clapping."
"I'm done."
"I'm done."
"I'm done."
"You're done."