Name: An interview at the Tempe Improv with Norm Macdonald - Roast is Slow Roast
Uploaded: 2019-04-10T17:55:15.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'An interview at the Tempe Improv with Norm Macdonald - Roast is Slow Roast' from Happy the Dog on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-04-10. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'An interview at the Tempe Improv with Norm Macdonald - Roast is Slow Roast' from Happy the Dog on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-04-10. Transcript available.

Hello everybody, we're here at the Tempe Emperor on the stage with Norm Macdonald.
How's it all good?
Very good, thanks for coming this morning.
You're welcome.
I always like to get up 14, 15 hours before a show.
Give me a chance to rest on my TV.
You look great, by the way. I like the style.
I was at an AM morning show and I was like, "Hey, thanks for dressing up,
ladies."
Four in the morning, I'm the odd one for not having a tie on.
Everyone else is sleeping other than you.
Well, how you been?
You thought I was the odd duck for not wearing a tie and suit and the formed
one.
Have I been?
What did you think you did in front of me?
In front of the...
Having a flex.
The 10:00 PM press.
Yes.
At 9:00 in the morning.
So, you do your jokes depending on your personal experience, stuff like that.
What's going on lately?
Nothing.
Nothing's happening.
Nothing's happening?
Nothing at all?
Nothing.
What?
Well, I mean, things are happening, but they're sort of things that have
already...
As you age, you'll learn how old are you?
How old are you?
Thirty-nine?
Twenty-two?
What are you?
Twenty-six?
Forty.
How old are you?
Forty-six.
Forty-six to twenty-eight, right?
Sure.
So, as you age, you'll realize that something happens, and then later on
something happens,
you go, "Hey, that was a lot like that other thing that happened."
So, the first time you're all excited about it was like, "Yeah, it's all right,
but it's
sort of like that first one."
And then, as you go on, everything becomes that.
So, that's why old guys are never impressed by anything.
You go, "Look, you got a touchdown tonight."
Yeah.
Because I remember parts started.
That's amazing.
What?
You got the same thing.
Yeah, those would be old guys.
You're never going to impress an old guy.
If there's a ninety-year-old guy in the room, he's never going to go, "What?"
I know.
"What was that over there?"
He's never going to get excited.
So, what, you're going to talk about nothing exciting tonight, or just...
Exciting?
Well, I mean, it's going to show up some stuff.
Yeah.
Well, you know, you're probably not going to be excited.
I don't think I'll excite anyone.
All right.
I don't want to promise to excite people, and then later, you know, they go, "I
demand..."
Thank you.
What?
No, thank you for that.
"I demand remuneration."
Because I was told that I would receive some sort of thrill, some rush of
excitement.
And I did, quite frankly.
You're not a guy, Shannon.
No.
Because you can't, listen, you can't promise anything.
That's true.
Can't you?
No.
Well, okay.
Let's talk about the talk shows you've been on.
You've been on a lot, and you're always really funny on those and everything.
Have you ever thought of becoming a host?
Why not?
Because I'm not very curious about people.
I'm very interested.
But you're always curious on the shows.
I admire that.
I admire that.
You're interested.
But like, if I had to do it, like one time, they wanted me to do a talk show
and they said, "Can you think of any guests?"
I was thinking three guys in the whole world.
And I'm like, "I don't know if I can do this every night."
Because as soon as I got an actress, my only question is, "What were you in
again?"
I go, "What were you in again?"
You look sort of familiar.
I went into that and she'd go, "I was in this thing."
And I go, "I am."
So, you're pretty lucky.
I don't know what I'm asking.
But why, you're always really curious about the other guests on the shows.
I mean, you seem curious.
Curious about them?
No, I'm just, they keep me out there.
Conan sticks me on the couch like he won't let me leave.
So, they cut to a three shot and people are talking so I feel I have to talk.
I loved it.
That's nice.
I mean, they loved having you there.
Why don't they marry me after the movies?
I don't know.
Alright.
That's okay.
What about you, man?
You like performing the 10-man press?
No.
I don't.
No, you're not.
That's not a club you like performing at.
I don't perform at, anyway.
You never do stand at me?
No.
I don't think I'm funny enough.
I don't know what, I mean, it takes a lot, obviously.
I would say you should try it with people that aren't ever in with the Indians
just
having a good track.
It's fun.
Okay, well.
People do karaoke and stuff.
Will you go with me one time?
What do you mean, go on stage with you?
No, not on stage with me, but, you know, moral support.
I don't know, I probably wouldn't.
Thank you.
I mean, no, no.
I mean, if the circumstances were perfect, like if you were doing it tomorrow
night and
I was here.
Alright, alright.
But I'm not going to fly in.
Well, what if I go to L.A.?
God, you're too.
Okay, let's just drop it, drop it.
I guess.
Depends what I'm doing that night.
What if I'm eating a fish or something with a guy?
I said I would eat fish with you tonight.
I say to a guy.
And later I'm like, oh, what?
Yeah, I think I remember something about her saying something.
Who?
Who?
No, I would go out with this.
Depending on my plans of fish.
You like fish?
Who doesn't like fish?
I don't know.
It's not my favorite.
No, I'm not.
I like meat.
That kind of meat.
That kind of meat.
You're terrible.
Okay.
What do you eat?
A steak?
No, I'm not.
I'm not.
I'm not.
I'm not.
I'm not.
I'm not.
I'm not.
I'm not.
I'm not.
I'm not.
I'm not.
I'm not.
That kind of meat.
That kind of meat.
You're terrible.
Okay.
What do you eat?
A steak?
Yes.
Do you eat pulled?
Do you eat what?
Okay.
Do you eat shoulder pork?
I'm just asking.
Have you ever had a pulled pork sandwich?
Yes.
I think they're delicious.
Yeah.
Who doesn't like pork?
No.
I mean.
Anyway.
So the Weekend Update.
No, no, no.
I want to talk about the Weekend Update.
I mean, it was a long time ago.
But you were one of my favorites.
Really.
Ever.
So if you were to do it right now while we can talk about it.
What was the fake news?
Right now.
Do it.
Do it.
That sounds hard.
Just do that.
What were you talking about?
I don't know.
It sounds hard.
You asked me to make up a joke.
Talk about something about the news.
No, but you want me to do it a funny way.
Like make a joke.
No.
You just want me to talk about the news.
Do it in a norm kind of way.
Well, what's going on in the news?
I don't really follow the news.
I didn't either.
Well, how could you react to what I said?
How could you go, oh, that was good because you don't follow the news?
Well, maybe people are going to watch this.
Yeah, but if you don't know, you go, ah, ha, ha, I guess.
You would have no idea.
Well, how do you know?
I don't know.
I don't know.
You just said you don't know anything about the news.
Okay.
Are you being sarcastic?
I don't follow everything.
What's the big news story for you?
In Arizona, as a young Hispanic girl.
I'm not sure.
Jesus Christ.
It's not a Miss American question.
You're a Hispanic girl.
I know, I get that.
We're not going to talk, because I didn't break my papers.
We're not going to talk about that.
While you're reading papers.
Wait, you are an immigrant too, right?
Yes, I'm also, I'm here on a green card.
Did you bring it?
I got it.
That's good, because I'm probably going to ask for it.
It kind of looks brownish.
Yeah, I'm going to ask for that.
And, and, and, and, and the casino is the part of the master of my green card.
Whenever you show a green card as a formal idea of a passport, it's a green
card.
I don't like it.
A green card?
Yeah, I don't like it.
I know about it.
I can understand the play.
I know about it.
When I get a green card, I will know about it.
Yeah.
Okay, now we have the questions from Facebook.
Yeah.
What are you doing?
No, no, no, no.
Okay.
Mark Anderson says, "What does it feel like being the best roaster in the world?"
And then he says, "You effin' rock."
Roaster.
Roaster.
Roaster.
Well, if you want to know the secret, you start with basil.
What?
Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
And, uh, you gotta slow roast.
Look, what?
What?
What?
Roast is slow roast.
Like, when people say roast to me, I say slow roast.
Like, I don't even really use a turkey roast.
What are you roasting usually?
Turkey.
Turkey.
Sure.
But, but a lot of times pork, that's why I was acting on shoulder pork.
If you roast a shoulder pork, if you marinate it, maybe I'm telling tales out
of school.
But if you marinate it, it falls off the, uh, it falls off the fork.
That's a great story.
Thanks.
All right.
Another one.
Okay.
Thanks.
You're a regular Johnny Carson.
You used to say that more.
That's a great story.
I think that we're talking about Bob Saget.
Yeah, Bob Saget.
Oh, the roasting with Bob Saget.
Yeah.
Uh, well, that was fun to do.
Yeah, it was fun to, uh, make fun of people.
I don't, I don't really.
I like making fun of people.
Would you ever want to get a roast to grow?
Do you get a roast to grow?
Yeah.
I would never want anyone to make fun of.
I would never want anyone to make fun of.
Yeah.
I would never want anyone to make fun of.
I'd rather, I'd rather, I say if you're going to make fun of me, do it behind
my back.
That's the way.
So I never hear about it.
If you're going to say anything mean about me, I respect the guys who do it
behind my back.
But there's some guys that go, hey, at least I say it to your face, I'm honest.
I don't care about your honesty.
I'd rather you were more deceitful.
And behind my back said these things, and then I didn't know.
That's a good point.
I like it.
I mean, okay.
Now, Jason Molina says, um, do you have any new stories about Bob Buecher?
Uh, Adam.
I don't know about that.
He does, uh, he told me that he had a heart attack when he had a heart attack.
The thing about having a heart attack is the first thing.
You get embarrassed.
They came here with a stretcher.
They wanted to take me out of my back.
And I said, I got neighbors.
I'll go up to 45 degrees.
That's what we decided.
That's a tough old man.
Yeah.
Like, like, you or I had a heart attack.
When was it?
His first instinct.
Embarrassment.
Our first instinct would be terror for our lives.
Yes.
That's the time.
So he's the old time.
He had neighbors here.
That's crazy.
When was this?
I don't know.
Are you the girl that asks the question that had nothing to do with the story?
No, yeah.
The story ends and then you're like, what year was it?
The punchline.
I just said it.
I forgot the year.
Wait a minute.
1944.
That's the end?
I thought you said it.
I thought it was a girl who said it.
So how the hell are you?
Good.
What?
Really?
Okay, I'm good.
I like it here.
It's a little hot, but you know.
It was very hot last night.
Can I go to the casino?
You know how I feel?
It's very hot.
Plus I can't complain.
Yeah.
I'm going to go to the casino.
I'm going to go to the casino.
You know how I feel?
It's very hot.
Plus I can't complain.
Yeah.
I'm going to go to the casino in the Heath.
That sounds like a great thing.
Give me good poker stories.
I heard something about rounders being based on.
I've seen it.
I don't think it's true.
I don't think it's true.
I don't think it's true.
I don't think it's true.
I don't think it's true.
I don't think it's true.
I don't think it's true.
I don't think it's true.
I don't think it's true.
I don't think it's true.
I don't think it's true.
I don't think it's true.
I don't think it's true.
Which one?
Well, I didn't know characters that were after the film.
Played in my film.
I don't know.
John Turturro.
Eric Turris.
He played a guy named Joey Donuts in the movie or something.
He was Joey Bagels in real life.
He would drive me to the plot.
His story was more interesting than the one in the movie.
He would, he would, he, the reason he was called Joey Bagels
He would drive me to the bagel truck.
He would drive me to the bagel truck.
He would drive me to the bagel truck.
He would drive me to the bagel truck.
He would drive me to the bagel truck.
He would drive me to the bagel truck.
He would drive me to the bagel truck.
He would drive me to the bagel truck.
He would drive me to the bagel truck.
He would drive me to the bagel truck.
He would drive me to the bagel truck.
He would drive me to the bagel truck.
He would drive me to the bagel truck.
He would drive me to the bagel truck.
He would drive me to the bagel truck.
He would drive me to the bagel truck.
He would drive me to the bagel truck.
He would drive me to the bagel truck.
He would drive me to the bagel truck.
He would drive me to the bagel truck.
He would drive me to the bagel truck.
He would drive me to the bagel truck.
He would drive me to the bagel truck.
He would drive me to the bagel truck.
He would drive me to the bagel truck.
He would drive me to the bagel truck.
He would drive me to the bagel truck.
He would drive me to the bagel truck.
He would drive me to the bagel truck.
He would drive me to the bagel truck.
He would drive me to the bagel truck.
He would drive me to the bagel truck.
He would drive me to the bagel truck.
He would drive me to the bagel truck.
He would drive me to the bagel truck.
He would drive me to the bagel truck.
He would drive me to the bagel truck.
He would drive me to the bagel truck.
He would drive me to the bagel truck.
He would drive me to the bagel truck.
He would drive me to the bagel truck.
He would drive me to the bagel truck.
He would drive me to the bagel truck.
He would drive me to the bagel truck.
He would drive me to the bagel truck.
He would drive me to the bagel truck.

An interview at the Tempe Improv with Norm Macdonald - Roast is Slow Roast

Hello everybody, we're here at the Tempe Emperor on the stage with Norm Macdonald.
How's it all good?
Very good, thanks for coming this morning.
You're welcome.
I always like to get up 14, 15 hours before a show.
Give me a chance to rest on my TV.
You look great, by the way. I like the style.
I was at an AM morning show and I was like, "Hey, thanks for dressing up,
ladies."
Four in the morning, I'm the odd one for not having a tie on.
Everyone else is sleeping other than you.
Well, how you been?
You thought I was the odd duck for not wearing a tie and suit and the formed
one.
Have I been?
What did you think you did in front of me?
In front of the...
Having a flex.
The 10:00 PM press.
Yes.
At 9:00 in the morning.
So, you do your jokes depending on your personal experience, stuff like that.
What's going on lately?
Nothing.
Nothing's happening.
Nothing's happening?
Nothing at all?
Nothing.
What?
Well, I mean, things are happening, but they're sort of things that have
already...
As you age, you'll learn how old are you?
How old are you?
Thirty-nine?
Twenty-two?
What are you?
Twenty-six?
Forty.
How old are you?
Forty-six.
Forty-six to twenty-eight, right?
Sure.
So, as you age, you'll realize that something happens, and then later on
something happens,
you go, "Hey, that was a lot like that other thing that happened."
So, the first time you're all excited about it was like, "Yeah, it's all right,
but it's
sort of like that first one."
And then, as you go on, everything becomes that.
So, that's why old guys are never impressed by anything.
You go, "Look, you got a touchdown tonight."
Yeah.
Because I remember parts started.
That's amazing.
What?
You got the same thing.
Yeah, those would be old guys.
You're never going to impress an old guy.
If there's a ninety-year-old guy in the room, he's never going to go, "What?"
I know.
"What was that over there?"
He's never going to get excited.
So, what, you're going to talk about nothing exciting tonight, or just...
Exciting?
Well, I mean, it's going to show up some stuff.
Yeah.
Well, you know, you're probably not going to be excited.
I don't think I'll excite anyone.
All right.
I don't want to promise to excite people, and then later, you know, they go, "I
demand..."
Thank you.
What?
No, thank you for that.
"I demand remuneration."
Because I was told that I would receive some sort of thrill, some rush of
excitement.
And I did, quite frankly.
You're not a guy, Shannon.
No.
Because you can't, listen, you can't promise anything.
That's true.
Can't you?
No.
Well, okay.
Let's talk about the talk shows you've been on.
You've been on a lot, and you're always really funny on those and everything.
Have you ever thought of becoming a host?
Why not?
Because I'm not very curious about people.
I'm very interested.
But you're always curious on the shows.
I admire that.
I admire that.
You're interested.
But like, if I had to do it, like one time, they wanted me to do a talk show
and they said, "Can you think of any guests?"
I was thinking three guys in the whole world.
And I'm like, "I don't know if I can do this every night."
Because as soon as I got an actress, my only question is, "What were you in
again?"
I go, "What were you in again?"
You look sort of familiar.
I went into that and she'd go, "I was in this thing."
And I go, "I am."
So, you're pretty lucky.
I don't know what I'm asking.
But why, you're always really curious about the other guests on the shows.
I mean, you seem curious.
Curious about them?
No, I'm just, they keep me out there.
Conan sticks me on the couch like he won't let me leave.
So, they cut to a three shot and people are talking so I feel I have to talk.
I loved it.
That's nice.
I mean, they loved having you there.
Why don't they marry me after the movies?
I don't know.
Alright.
That's okay.
What about you, man?
You like performing the 10-man press?
No.
I don't.
No, you're not.
That's not a club you like performing at.
I don't perform at, anyway.
You never do stand at me?
No.
I don't think I'm funny enough.
I don't know what, I mean, it takes a lot, obviously.
I would say you should try it with people that aren't ever in with the Indians
just
having a good track.
It's fun.
Okay, well.
People do karaoke and stuff.
Will you go with me one time?
What do you mean, go on stage with you?
No, not on stage with me, but, you know, moral support.
I don't know, I probably wouldn't.
Thank you.
I mean, no, no.
I mean, if the circumstances were perfect, like if you were doing it tomorrow
night and
I was here.
Alright, alright.
But I'm not going to fly in.
Well, what if I go to L.A.?
God, you're too.
Okay, let's just drop it, drop it.
I guess.
Depends what I'm doing that night.
What if I'm eating a fish or something with a guy?
I said I would eat fish with you tonight.
I say to a guy.
And later I'm like, oh, what?
Yeah, I think I remember something about her saying something.
Who?
Who?
No, I would go out with this.
Depending on my plans of fish.
You like fish?
Who doesn't like fish?
I don't know.
It's not my favorite.
No, I'm not.
I like meat.
That kind of meat.
That kind of meat.
You're terrible.
Okay.
What do you eat?
A steak?
No, I'm not.
I'm not.
I'm not.
I'm not.
I'm not.
I'm not.
I'm not.
I'm not.
I'm not.
I'm not.
I'm not.
I'm not.
That kind of meat.
That kind of meat.
You're terrible.
Okay.
What do you eat?
A steak?
Yes.
Do you eat pulled?
Do you eat what?
Okay.
Do you eat shoulder pork?
I'm just asking.
Have you ever had a pulled pork sandwich?
Yes.
I think they're delicious.
Yeah.
Who doesn't like pork?
No.
I mean.
Anyway.
So the Weekend Update.
No, no, no.
I want to talk about the Weekend Update.
I mean, it was a long time ago.
But you were one of my favorites.
Really.
Ever.
So if you were to do it right now while we can talk about it.
What was the fake news?
Right now.
Do it.
Do it.
That sounds hard.
Just do that.
What were you talking about?
I don't know.
It sounds hard.
You asked me to make up a joke.
Talk about something about the news.
No, but you want me to do it a funny way.
Like make a joke.
No.
You just want me to talk about the news.
Do it in a norm kind of way.
Well, what's going on in the news?
I don't really follow the news.
I didn't either.
Well, how could you react to what I said?
How could you go, oh, that was good because you don't follow the news?
Well, maybe people are going to watch this.
Yeah, but if you don't know, you go, ah, ha, ha, I guess.
You would have no idea.
Well, how do you know?
I don't know.
I don't know.
You just said you don't know anything about the news.
Okay.
Are you being sarcastic?
I don't follow everything.
What's the big news story for you?
In Arizona, as a young Hispanic girl.
I'm not sure.
Jesus Christ.
It's not a Miss American question.
You're a Hispanic girl.
I know, I get that.
We're not going to talk, because I didn't break my papers.
We're not going to talk about that.
While you're reading papers.
Wait, you are an immigrant too, right?
Yes, I'm also, I'm here on a green card.
Did you bring it?
I got it.
That's good, because I'm probably going to ask for it.
It kind of looks brownish.
Yeah, I'm going to ask for that.
And, and, and, and, and the casino is the part of the master of my green card.
Whenever you show a green card as a formal idea of a passport, it's a green
card.
I don't like it.
A green card?
Yeah, I don't like it.
I know about it.
I can understand the play.
I know about it.
When I get a green card, I will know about it.
Yeah.
Okay, now we have the questions from Facebook.
Yeah.
What are you doing?
No, no, no, no.
Okay.
Mark Anderson says, "What does it feel like being the best roaster in the world?"
And then he says, "You effin' rock."
Roaster.
Roaster.
Roaster.
Well, if you want to know the secret, you start with basil.
What?
Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
And, uh, you gotta slow roast.
Look, what?
What?
What?
Roast is slow roast.
Like, when people say roast to me, I say slow roast.
Like, I don't even really use a turkey roast.
What are you roasting usually?
Turkey.
Turkey.
Sure.
But, but a lot of times pork, that's why I was acting on shoulder pork.
If you roast a shoulder pork, if you marinate it, maybe I'm telling tales out
of school.
But if you marinate it, it falls off the, uh, it falls off the fork.
That's a great story.
Thanks.
All right.
Another one.
Okay.
Thanks.
You're a regular Johnny Carson.
You used to say that more.
That's a great story.
I think that we're talking about Bob Saget.
Yeah, Bob Saget.
Oh, the roasting with Bob Saget.
Yeah.
Uh, well, that was fun to do.
Yeah, it was fun to, uh, make fun of people.
I don't, I don't really.
I like making fun of people.
Would you ever want to get a roast to grow?
Do you get a roast to grow?
Yeah.
I would never want anyone to make fun of.
I would never want anyone to make fun of.
Yeah.
I would never want anyone to make fun of.
I'd rather, I'd rather, I say if you're going to make fun of me, do it behind
my back.
That's the way.
So I never hear about it.
If you're going to say anything mean about me, I respect the guys who do it
behind my back.
But there's some guys that go, hey, at least I say it to your face, I'm honest.
I don't care about your honesty.
I'd rather you were more deceitful.
And behind my back said these things, and then I didn't know.
That's a good point.
I like it.
I mean, okay.
Now, Jason Molina says, um, do you have any new stories about Bob Buecher?
Uh, Adam.
I don't know about that.
He does, uh, he told me that he had a heart attack when he had a heart attack.
The thing about having a heart attack is the first thing.
You get embarrassed.
They came here with a stretcher.
They wanted to take me out of my back.
And I said, I got neighbors.
I'll go up to 45 degrees.
That's what we decided.
That's a tough old man.
Yeah.
Like, like, you or I had a heart attack.
When was it?
His first instinct.
Embarrassment.
Our first instinct would be terror for our lives.
Yes.
That's the time.
So he's the old time.
He had neighbors here.
That's crazy.
When was this?
I don't know.
Are you the girl that asks the question that had nothing to do with the story?
No, yeah.
The story ends and then you're like, what year was it?
The punchline.
I just said it.
I forgot the year.
Wait a minute.
1944.
That's the end?
I thought you said it.
I thought it was a girl who said it.
So how the hell are you?
Good.
What?
Really?
Okay, I'm good.
I like it here.
It's a little hot, but you know.
It was very hot last night.
Can I go to the casino?
You know how I feel?
It's very hot.
Plus I can't complain.
Yeah.
I'm going to go to the casino.
I'm going to go to the casino.
You know how I feel?
It's very hot.
Plus I can't complain.
Yeah.
I'm going to go to the casino in the Heath.
That sounds like a great thing.
Give me good poker stories.
I heard something about rounders being based on.
I've seen it.
I don't think it's true.
I don't think it's true.
I don't think it's true.
I don't think it's true.
I don't think it's true.
I don't think it's true.
I don't think it's true.
I don't think it's true.
I don't think it's true.
I don't think it's true.
I don't think it's true.
I don't think it's true.
I don't think it's true.
Which one?
Well, I didn't know characters that were after the film.
Played in my film.
I don't know.
John Turturro.
Eric Turris.
He played a guy named Joey Donuts in the movie or something.
He was Joey Bagels in real life.
He would drive me to the plot.
His story was more interesting than the one in the movie.
He would, he would, he, the reason he was called Joey Bagels
He would drive me to the bagel truck.
He would drive me to the bagel truck.
He would drive me to the bagel truck.
He would drive me to the bagel truck.
He would drive me to the bagel truck.
He would drive me to the bagel truck.
He would drive me to the bagel truck.
He would drive me to the bagel truck.
He would drive me to the bagel truck.
He would drive me to the bagel truck.
He would drive me to the bagel truck.
He would drive me to the bagel truck.
He would drive me 