Name: Norm Macdonald on CONAN - Porno Bloopers & The Olympics (Nov 1995) Full Interview
Uploaded: 2019-04-10T18:55:37.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Norm Macdonald on CONAN - Porno Bloopers & The Olympics (Nov 1995) Full Interview' from Happy the Dog on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-04-10. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Norm Macdonald on CONAN - Porno Bloopers & The Olympics (Nov 1995) Full Interview' from Happy the Dog on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-04-10. Transcript available.

Folks, my first guest tonight is the Anchorman on Saturday Night Live's Weekend
Update.
Please welcome back to our show, very funny guy, Norm MacDonald.
That happens wherever you go, right?
Yeah, everybody else.
Actually, like when I started doing comedy, I would go on stage and I was doing
it for a couple of years.
And then I'd go on stage and sometimes people would go, Norm, Norm.
And I thought I was catching on, but it was from Cheers, right?
They were just excited about the show Cheers.
Yeah.
That's a sad thing to happen to you.
All right.
Well, happier things.
What are you?
You're on your fourth show of the season?
And you got Quentin Tarantino this week.
Yeah, that's really cool.
Smashing Pumpkins.
That's a cool show.
That's really cool.
You got to be excited about that.
Yeah, Quentin Tarantino is like so cool, you know?
Plus, in the back of your head, you think maybe he'll put you in one of his
movies?
Never going to happen.
No.
But he's a great writer, too, you know?
And really cool.
And, you know, Pulp Fiction was like my favorite movie.
I've seen it like a hundred times.
Yeah.
And I thought it was on pay-per-view.
It's on pay-per-view.
Yeah, that's right.
They show it there, yeah.
So the other night, like, I ordered it, you know?
I called in and ordered it.
And then I got the wrong one, and it was that porno one.
It was Pump Friction, you know?
Oh, man.
Have you seen that one?
No, I mean, no.
I don't know what you're talking about.
It was all right.
It was okay?
Yeah, they're different movies.
I mean, you know.
Really?
Like, Pulp Fiction is kind of a, you know, a gritty urban fable with strong
characters and acting.
And, you know, Pump Friction is more, you know, graphic sex.
Yeah, yeah.
I could see how they're different, yeah.
It's like apples and oranges.
You can't compare them, you know?
They're both good.
So why would you want to?
Yeah.
But I called the cable company about an hour later and complained.
They're going to get that straightened out.
They're going to get that straightened out.
Good.
That's good.
Sex is everywhere, though.
You can't, you know.
I love porno.
Do you guys watch a lot of porno?
There you go.
How can you all enjoy it?
That's what our demographic studies show, to find out who's watching.
Our fans love porno.
That's what we know about this show.
I always thought they should have, like, you know how they have that Dick Clark,
Ed McMahon, like, blooper shows.
The blooper show, yeah.
They should have those for pornos, you know, because, you know, I'm sure if
they make mistakes on the set and everything, you know, it'd be funny to see,
you know, like the girl going, you know, Harry, you have a huge clock.
You know, just messing up their lines.
Am I right?
And then you cut back to Ed McMahon.
Yeah.
Cut back to Ed and Dick.
I don't know.
You don't know what you're doing.
You're just riffing here.
You don't know.
Yeah.
You got, uh...
I like, actually, you know, graphic sex better than, you know what bugs me is,
like, I like pornos and stuff, but I don't like, what I don't like is, like,
when they try to be cute, like, they have sexual, like, innuendo.
Right.
So they pretend like it's not about sex, but all my life, you remember that
show, I remember when I was a kid dating game, remember that show?
Yeah, yeah.
And it was a game show, but, you know, it was all about, everything was sex,
you know, it was all dirty.
And, uh, you know that show, right?
Everything had a double meaning on that show.
Everything had a double meaning, you know?
And so the girls would ask, and then they'd get these guys that were like, good
lord, you know, I don't know where they'd find these guys.
And you get a beautiful girl and then these three, uh, you know, serial killer
type guys, you know what I'm saying?
You know, and, uh, you know, the girl would have to ask these questions that
were all at double meanings, you know, let the girl go, uh, you know, uh, if,
uh, if I were a popsicle, what would you do to me?
You know, something like that.
Right.
Uh-huh.
You know, I remember that.
Then the guy would be like, the guy would be like, well, first I'd, uh, you
know, take your wrapper off, you know, if you know what I mean, you know?
And then, uh, I'd, uh, grab ahold of your big sticks there, you know, if you
know what I mean, and, uh, you know, and then I'd, uh, I'd, uh, press you
against the counter so you're broken too, you know, if you know what I mean?
And then, you know, I'd, you know, I'd put half you in the freezer so later,
you know, and it was, jeez, good lord.
You know, people would be like, shocked.
Oh, I miss those days in TV.
It's tough, though.
There's, you know, there's so much sex.
I know you've got a family, you've got a kid, right?
Yeah, I've got a beautiful little kid, Dylan.
How old is he?
He's three, he's the greatest.
Uh-huh.
Yeah.
Is he like, uh, what, I mean, what, let's just end there.
He's just a great, great kid.
Yeah, he's, he's like three now, he's reaching the age where he's kind of, he's,
uh, they've reached that kind of cruel age, you know, where it's like, uh, you
know, Lord of the Flies or something, where you gotta watch him.
And, uh, he, we got a, a dog, you know, a little dog.
Yeah, I know dogs, yeah.
Yeah.
We call him, uh, Doogie.
When I was a kid, my dad, my parents named my dog Snoopy.
Oh, really?
Yeah, so I was completely embarrassed all the time.
It's like, uh, the hackiest name you can call your dog, you know.
Yeah.
Hey, what's your dog's name?
Uh, it's not, you know, let me just say something.
But, uh, so my, the point of the story is this.
Yes.
My kid, he's getting this cruel age and he always got to watch him around the
dog, you know, because he'll, uh, you know, and he lies, you know, like, you're,
hey, hey, uh, what are you doing there?
You shouldn't be, uh, petting his eyeball like that.
He doesn't like that.
You know, and he's like, no, he likes that.
You told me.
I go, dogs can't talk.
I'm not stupid, you know.
Yeah, yeah.
And, uh, I can't even find the dog anymore because the kids always say, hey,
where, where are you, Doogie?
Where to play with Dylan?
Where are you?
You know, I can't find him anywhere, you know.
Open the cupboard, dog's in there.
You know, he's not here.
Not here.
Not here.
All right, can you hang on one sec?
We're going to do a commercial.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
When we come back, we'll talk to you some more.
We'll find out what's going on.
Okay, cool.
Come on, McDonnell.
Stick around.
We'll see you in a second.
Folks, we're back.
I'm here with Norm MacDonald.
Now, Norm, you know, you're doing Weekend Update again this year.
You've got to do a lot of stuff about the news.
That's all you've got to do is the news.
That's it, man.
What are we going to be hearing this year?
Well, I'm looking forward to the Olympics coming up, you know.
That's my, because I love sports, you know.
I watch every sport, so the Olympics is my favorite thing.
And I don't watch them.
Like, sometimes in the Olympics, they have, like, lame sports, you know, where
they're not real sports, you know.
Like, a lot of times what they'll do is they'll try to combine two sports
together, you know.
Make up a new sport, you know.
They're fine sports together, but when they mix them up, they make a, you know,
a god-awful mess, you know.
And, like, I saw this one, I remember.
It was a guy, he'd, like, run a hundred-yard dash, and then, uh, fish.
You know, the guy's...
Fish, yeah.
Yeah, he's fishing, you know, in a crick.
So that's not a good one.
You don't like that.
No, no.
And, uh, you know, all the sports, and, you know, the great sports, and then
the bizarre, like, you ever say that one where they, uh, they, like, walk fast?
It's the fast walking?
Yeah, yeah.
And this is, like, you know, it's retarded, you know.
It's, like, it's just a guy walking fast.
It's not like a sport.
And, uh, and, uh, you know, like, uh, that, uh, you know, this guy isn't, it
doesn't get a lot of respect around the Olympic Village, you know, from, like,
the sprinters and stuff, you know.
You're going, hey, Fred, uh, good, uh, good stroll today there, man.
That was a, that was a briskest, uh, stroll I, what are you, smash the 20-minute
mile, I heard.
They said it could never be done.
But you know what's weird?
Is that guy gets a gold medal.
Uh-huh.
And meanwhile, like, the decathlon champ, he gets a gold medal, you know.
That's not fair.
Like, they, they shouldn't get the same thing.
You get the gold medal, you're 10, uh, you're the world's greatest athlete, you
do 10.
And then the other guy walks fast.
It's, like, crazy.
They should have another medal.
Yeah, they should have.
That's not right.
He should get, like, a, they should get that guy, like, a stick or something.
You get a stick, you know.
A nice stick, but a stick, yeah.
Yeah, a nice stick.
That's for you, buddy.
And then you can do all your great endorsement deals there afterwards.
All right.
Well, okay, we know about SNL.
You got any other, uh, deals going?
You must have something else cooking, another iron in the fire.
I finished a book.
I just finished a book.
Uh, that's gonna be pretty funny.
And it's really funny.
Mm-hmm.
It's got great pictures in it.
Really?
Yeah, it's hilarious.
That's cool.
I got it here.
It's, uh, here it is.
It's, uh, Howard Stern's Miss America.
It's a book.
Good book.
There it is.
So you can go buy that.
You can go buy that.
Congratulations on that.
That's terrific.
Yeah, that's a great book.
Good for you.
Yep.
All right, can you hang on one sec, Norm?
Because this is the part of the show.
Okay, I wanted to just, uh, quickly, uh, can I plug a gig?
Yeah, sure.
Okay, Rascals, uh, next week in, uh, New Jersey.
Okay.
And Governors in Long Island, uh, Jackie the Joke Man Martin will be there.
Oh, that'll be a good show.
Check that out.
Go watch that.
Okay.
All right.
Now, listen, uh, folks, right now, what we're gonna do is tell you who's on the
show tomorrow
night.
And here with the, uh, blue index card that has that information on it is our
good friend,
Tamari, the ostrich, giving him a hand.
Let's go, girl, back it up.
Back it up.
Let's go.
Want to find out who's on tomorrow.
Let's go.
All right.
Come on, girl.
Come on, girl.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Oh, man.
There we go.
Yeah.
Here we go, ladies and gentlemen.
Yippee.
Oh, there's plenty for everyone.
Stop your whining.
Here we go.
All right.
Hey, coming up tomorrow night, comedian David Brenner is going to be here.
Yeah.
Yippee.
We also have supermodel, you know her from the Victoria's Secret Catalog, Jill
Goodacre-Connick
is going to be with us.
Woo.
We also have the frugal gourmet, Jeff Smith, and another installment of Andy's
daytime talk
show.
So watch that program.
Yeah!
It's going to be a lot of fun.
Yeah!
Yippee!
Yippee!
All right.
We also, thanks very much to Norm MacDonald for being here.
Thank you, Norm.
And remember, starting out live this week, Quentin Tarantino musical guest, Smashing
Pumpkins.
That's going to be a good show.
Yeah, that'll be great.
Alright, thank you very much Norm. Sam Watterson and Brandy are coming up. We'll
be right back.