Name: Norm Macdonald on The View (May 1999) Full Appearance Ridiculous
Uploaded: 2019-04-14T17:34:35.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Norm Macdonald on The View (May 1999) Full Appearance Ridiculous' from Happy the Dog on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-04-14. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Norm Macdonald on The View (May 1999) Full Appearance Ridiculous' from Happy the Dog on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-04-14. Transcript available.

I don't remember our first guest from Saturday Night Live, where, among other
things, he hosted the Weekend Update. Remember that? But he was so committed to
doing an imitation of Bob Dole, he even took Viagra himself. That is really...
Now he's the host of his very own show right here on ABC. It's called The Norm
Show. Take a look.
Hearing is three o'clock. And don't worry, because with the help of a little
oxygen, you're going to be as sharp as a tack for that review.
Oh, wow. I just remembered where I left my Lincoln Logs in fifth grade.
In 1938, I killed a hobo.
So, Norm, do a little Bob Dole for us.
Bob Dole?
Would you?
You want me to do it?
Yeah, do it.
It's kind of an old impression, you know?
It's in the news again.
It is?
Yeah.
Well, I try to work on new impressions, you know what I mean? Like fresh, torn
from the headlines of the newspapers, of the journals, of the, you know...
Well, he's in today's headlines. You just do a little...
But I've got Liddy Dole. I'm working on new on Liddy Dole.
Do Liddy Dole.
Do Liddy Dole.
Yeah, I do Liddy Dole.
Do Liddy Dole.
Do Liddy Dole.
Do Liddy Dole.
Do Liddy Dole.
Okay.
I'm Liddy Dole, running for president. Liddy Dole wants to be president. Doesn't
want to work at the blood bank anymore, wants to be president of the United
States. Liddy Dole.
Do Liddy Dole.
Is that Bob Dole?
Yes.
That's not Bob Dole.
That is Bob Dole.
Bob Dole.
Bob Dole.
No.
Bob Dole says, "I'm Bob Dole."
Oh, I see.
The difference between Liddy Dole says, "I'm Liddy Dole."
I'm Liddy Dole.
You're sick, man.
Very good.
You know how sometimes, like when people are married for a long time, they
start to sound like each
other?
I think that's what happened with Bob and Liddy Dole.
I guess so.
You are really wild.
I mean, you're wild in that show, and you're wild in person.
What?
Don't you think?
No, I think you're wild.
You're wild.
You're trying to look festive.
You hear us talking about the Friars Club roast and everything.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
And, you know, Joy is the queen of the Friars Club.
I went to that Friars Club once.
I've never seen a roast or anything like that, Joy, but I went one time.
I loved playing poker.
I had a bit of a gambling problem for a while.
And I couldn't get enough poker games, right?
So this dude, he told me, you've got to go to the Friars Club, man.
There's a big poker game there, right?
I have to talk to four people.
So I go to the Friars Club.
Barbara, are you listening?
Barbara, are you listening?
Yes.
Look.
Look.
Look.
Look.
I was looking at the Friars Club.
So I'm at the Friars Club.
They tell me there's this great, there's this big poker game, right?
So I go there and there's all these old dudes there, right?
And they're all comics from like 50 years ago.
And I don't know who the hell they are, you know?
And it's not like famous comics like Milton Berle or anybody like that.
It's these B-level comics from 50 years ago, you know?
Like Freddie Roman and dudes like that, right?
So they're all playing poker, you know?
They're all playing poker.
And I'm playing poker.
I just want to play poker.
But they're all like making jokes, you know?
And every joke they're making involves me being a gay dude.
You know what I mean?
Like they'll go, "Ah, here you go, kid.
Here's a..."
You know, it'd be like a queen.
I'd get a queen.
They go, "Here's a lady for the lady."
And they all laugh, you know?
And I didn't notice at first.
I was just playing cards.
And all of a sudden, I realized every joke is me being a homosexual man, right?
So I'm not a homosexual man, as you well know.
So...
He's definitely not, you're not.
No, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not.
But let me tell you something else.
I would have sex with you while you were awake.
We're going to get to the shower.
You're such a novelty for me.
Go ahead.
No, this is my story.
It's just...
And then I'm playing, and then all of a sudden, this old dude next to me, he
goes,
"Ah, kid, just, uh, you gotta, you gotta show 'em, uh, show 'em what you're
made of.
You insult them, too."
You know?
So I'm like, "Oh."
So there's an old dude.
They're like 70 years old.
So I go, "Hey, uh, uh, they're an old dude.
You've probably, uh, had a few guys.
I've had sex with a few guys, right?"
And he goes...
That's the story.
You know what I mean?
Okay, so I guess you don't need a punchline.
You don't need a punchline.
This is the new comedy.
This is the new comedy.
New comedians.
No punchline.
No punchline.
No, no.
If you think this one is funny, then you have to see the norms.
Now, I have to actually write down your character.
It's a tax-evading former hockey player sentenced to community service as a
social worker.
Yeah, yeah, that's right, yeah.
You just couldn't come up with a guy named Joe.
No, it's this person here.
Yeah.
But I'm told, even with this comic timing, you can't remember your lines.
I can't memorize stuff.
You know, I mean, I'm not getting it memorizing.
We only have one minute, by the way.
You can read.
So what are you going to do?
You can pass.
He wasn't holding up that finger, but go ahead.
What do you do?
You weren't listening?
What do you do?
How do you memorize?
How do you memorize?
How do you memorize?
I can't memorize.
I can't memorize things, like, because in each strip we get each week, there
may be,
there's like six, seven hundred words.
Wow.
And you have to say them in order.
You know what I mean?
That's really hard.
That ain't easy.
What is it like on the set of that show with you?
What is it like?
Well, what do you mean?
What do you mean?
What do I mean?
Well, because you're so average.
She thinks you're working.
Well, I'm just saying it's hard to memorize.
We're not walking around the set going, hey, you know.
So what are you doing?
So what are you doing?
You're being incredible about that.
I know.
I love your show.
It's a great show.
It's a great show.
I have a question.
No, what I do is I try to, like, sometimes, if you watch the show,
sometimes you'll see, like, I'll forget mine.
You have to watch it, too.
You have to watch it, too.
Not just have you on, we have to watch it.
You have to watch the show, yeah.
Oh, okay, okay.
No, but sometimes, sometimes, jeez, this is a long minute.
Sometimes, sometimes, like, if you watch the show, you'll notice,
sometimes maybe during the show, there'll be, like,
maybe something, like, sometimes, like, 20 minutes will pass
where nobody will say anything, you know what I mean?
Because it was my line.
But there's ways to cover.
Sometimes I'll just read a newspaper.
You've admitted that you're lazy.
I think you've read six books in your life.
I've read six.
Six.
What kind of a woman would be attracted to you, do you think?
Well, I have a lot of money.
Oh.
There you go.
Oh.
There you go.
And...
There's a hit show that they just announced yesterday, when we all
transferred before the advertisers.
On November yesterday.
That's pretty news for the next year's.
Yeah, we did.
We did.
And I have forgiven you for all those takeoffs you did on all of us very
serious news people.
Oh, on the Saturday Night Live program?
On the Saturday Night Live program.
You were brilliant.
Yeah, yeah.
You were.
You were brilliant on that.
No, you were.
You really were.
Well, tell us about your garbage collecting days.
Joy's book is great.
Did you read it?
Oh, absolutely.
Thank you, Mom.
Joystick.
Say the name of the book.
I love all of it.
Joy, Joy, Joystick.
Would you...
We're coming back at the last segment.
We're talking hot topics, and we're going to be discussing Star Wars.
Do you want to stick around and join us?
Yeah, I'm going to see you.
There we go.
Thank you, Mom.
See you very well.
Oh, are you going in?
No, no, no.
You're going to come back.
Oh, okay.
You're going to come back.
Oh, okay.
And your minute is up.
Okay.
Be sure to catch The Norm Show tonight at 9:30 Eastern, right here on ABC.
Later, Barbara's showing you her eye makeup secrets.
But when we come back, find out what you do every day that can really be bad
for your health.
We'll be right back.
How does Barbara Walters get her picture-perfect peepers?
She'll show you later.
Okay.
Go, girl.
We're with her.
We're with her.
We're with her.
All of us sitting here, instead of being at home.
Anyhow.
So, unless you've been living under a rock, Star Wars, I do not understand why
people stand in line for days and days and days and days.
They can't see the movie in two weeks.
I mean, they don't have jobs in any event.
So, I went to see Star Wars.
I have never seen any of the Star Wars.
And I felt terrible about it until I learned that you've never seen it.
I never saw.
I never saw the first one.
No, I never saw any of them.
You never saw any of them?
No, I never saw any of them.
No, I never saw any of them.
No, I never saw any of them.
No, I never saw any of them.
No, I never saw any of them.
No, I never saw any of them.
No, I never saw any of them.
No, I never saw any of them.
No, I never saw any of them.
No, I never saw any of them.
No, I never saw any of them.
No, I never saw any of them.
No, I never saw any of them.
No, I never saw any of them.
No, I never saw any of them.
I never saw any of them.
No, I never saw any of them.
I don't like those science fiction because my dad always hated them.
And you know how you try to be what your dad, you try to be?
You know what I mean?
And I remember when I was a kid, I watched that Twilight Zone.
You remember that show?
Yeah.
And oh my God, my dad hated it because it was too fantastical.
And he thought I should be doing the chores.
I remember one time me and my brother were watching Star Wars.
Oh, my son boys have never seen Star Wars.
Ten weeks later.
Go on.
That's norm.
Go on.
I mean, we only have two more minutes.
Just give me a little back story.
But me and my brother were watching The Twilight Zone.
And then my dad walked by and we were watching.
And we were all excited about this Twilight Zone.
And then my dad walked by and he looked at like the screen and he said,
"I suppose this one's a goddamn ghost."
Oh, well that was funny.
Okay.
Anyway, we're going to give our quick review.
So, I had never seen it.
I thought all of them, you know, the mechanical figures and all of that,
I thought that was fine, you know?
But it was okay.
What did you think?
Well, I tell you, I did love the pod race.
That's the best part.
There's this race in the middle of it.
I'm a big Star Wars fan because Harrison Ford.
What about Billy Dee Williams?
I bet you like him.
I bet you like him.
Based back in the day with the real original Star Wars.
Yeah, I hear there was a way better.
Yes, with my man Harrison Ford playing Han Solo.
Now, that was in Star Wars.
Now, I have to tell you a confession, Barbara.
I fell asleep for ten full minutes in this Star Wars.
I haven't had a confession.
I was watching it.
What happened?
I did too.
You did?
I have to go to Star Wars.
No, you know what?
I'm not interested.
You know what happened?
You know what happened when she fell asleep?
Meredith's husband had sex with her.
Yes?
Yes?
You might get a little of that if you weren't so busy fondling these action
figures.
I mean, what are you talking about?
No, well, you know what?
There's a psychiatrist.
Is it from Harvard?
I think it is.
Who's been studying these figures and noticed that their muscles are getting
bigger.
And boys have body images.
They don't talk about it, but they do body image problems.
And part of it is because of these action figures.
They see these and they want to look like them when they get bigger.
Now they have the same problems as girls.
So what are you doing with that poor action figure?
Oh, I'm fighting.
I am Tom Glavin.
I will beat you.
Did you ever have a body image problem?
Yeah, because I'm really, really thin, so I always wear like lots of clothes
because
I'm ashamed of my thinness.
No, seriously?
Yeah, look, you can put your whole hand around my wrist.
See how tiny it is?
Most boys are built thin.
That's not good for a boy.
I mean, if you have a look like this, boys now know that if they want to look
like this,
they have to take steroids or turn gay.
That's how you look like this.
But you're very tall.
I was going to take those steroids.
Doesn't that make up for it?
What?
You're going to take steroids?
Yeah.
But then I found out, you know that they shrink your testicles?
Did you know that?
I thought that was the fun part.
You know what?
If you look at this little action figure, I'm telling you.
Unfortunately, we're out of time.
Oh.
Too bad.
And I have to say, Norm, that speaking as you just did, you fit right into this
panel.
And we may just add you every day to our hot topics, Norm.
You know what?
You know what?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.

Norm Macdonald on The View (May 1999) Full Appearance Ridiculous

I don't remember our first guest from Saturday Night Live, where, among other
things, he hosted the Weekend Update. Remember that? But he was so committed to
doing an imitation of Bob Dole, he even took Viagra himself. That is really...
Now he's the host of his very own show right here on ABC. It's called The Norm
Show. Take a look.
Hearing is three o'clock. And don't worry, because with the help of a little
oxygen, you're going to be as sharp as a tack for that review.
Oh, wow. I just remembered where I left my Lincoln Logs in fifth grade.
In 1938, I killed a hobo.
So, Norm, do a little Bob Dole for us.
Bob Dole?
Would you?
You want me to do it?
Yeah, do it.
It's kind of an old impression, you know?
It's in the news again.
It is?
Yeah.
Well, I try to work on new impressions, you know what I mean? Like fresh, torn
from the headlines of the newspapers, of the journals, of the, you know...
Well, he's in today's headlines. You just do a little...
But I've got Liddy Dole. I'm working on new on Liddy Dole.
Do Liddy Dole.
Do Liddy Dole.
Yeah, I do Liddy Dole.
Do Liddy Dole.
Do Liddy Dole.
Do Liddy Dole.
Do Liddy Dole.
Okay.
I'm Liddy Dole, running for president. Liddy Dole wants to be president. Doesn't
want to work at the blood bank anymore, wants to be president of the United
States. Liddy Dole.
Do Liddy Dole.
Is that Bob Dole?
Yes.
That's not Bob Dole.
That is Bob Dole.
Bob Dole.
Bob Dole.
No.
Bob Dole says, "I'm Bob Dole."
Oh, I see.
The difference between Liddy Dole says, "I'm Liddy Dole."
I'm Liddy Dole.
You're sick, man.
Very good.
You know how sometimes, like when people are married for a long time, they
start to sound like each
other?
I think that's what happened with Bob and Liddy Dole.
I guess so.
You are really wild.
I mean, you're wild in that show, and you're wild in person.
What?
Don't you think?
No, I think you're wild.
You're wild.
You're trying to look festive.
You hear us talking about the Friars Club roast and everything.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
And, you know, Joy is the queen of the Friars Club.
I went to that Friars Club once.
I've never seen a roast or anything like that, Joy, but I went one time.
I loved playing poker.
I had a bit of a gambling problem for a while.
And I couldn't get enough poker games, right?
So this dude, he told me, you've got to go to the Friars Club, man.
There's a big poker game there, right?
I have to talk to four people.
So I go to the Friars Club.
Barbara, are you listening?
Barbara, are you listening?
Yes.
Look.
Look.
Look.
Look.
I was looking at the Friars Club.
So I'm at the Friars Club.
They tell me there's this great, there's this big poker game, right?
So I go there and there's all these old dudes there, right?
And they're all comics from like 50 years ago.
And I don't know who the hell they are, you know?
And it's not like famous comics like Milton Berle or anybody like that.
It's these B-level comics from 50 years ago, you know?
Like Freddie Roman and dudes like that, right?
So they're all playing poker, you know?
They're all playing poker.
And I'm playing poker.
I just want to play poker.
But they're all like making jokes, you know?
And every joke they're making involves me being a gay dude.
You know what I mean?
Like they'll go, "Ah, here you go, kid.
Here's a..."
You know, it'd be like a queen.
I'd get a queen.
They go, "Here's a lady for the lady."
And they all laugh, you know?
And I didn't notice at first.
I was just playing cards.
And all of a sudden, I realized every joke is me being a homosexual man, right?
So I'm not a homosexual man, as you well know.
So...
He's definitely not, you're not.
No, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not.
But let me tell you something else.
I would have sex with you while you were awake.
We're going to get to the shower.
You're such a novelty for me.
Go ahead.
No, this is my story.
It's just...
And then I'm playing, and then all of a sudden, this old dude next to me, he
goes,
"Ah, kid, just, uh, you gotta, you gotta show 'em, uh, show 'em what you're
made of.
You insult them, too."
You know?
So I'm like, "Oh."
So there's an old dude.
They're like 70 years old.
So I go, "Hey, uh, uh, they're an old dude.
You've probably, uh, had a few guys.
I've had sex with a few guys, right?"
And he goes...
That's the story.
You know what I mean?
Okay, so I guess you don't need a punchline.
You don't need a punchline.
This is the new comedy.
This is the new comedy.
New comedians.
No punchline.
No punchline.
No, no.
If you think this one is funny, then you have to see the norms.
Now, I have to actually write down your character.
It's a tax-evading former hockey player sentenced to community service as a
social worker.
Yeah, yeah, that's right, yeah.
You just couldn't come up with a guy named Joe.
No, it's this person here.
Yeah.
But I'm told, even with this comic timing, you can't remember your lines.
I can't memorize stuff.
You know, I mean, I'm not getting it memorizing.
We only have one minute, by the way.
You can read.
So what are you going to do?
You can pass.
He wasn't holding up that finger, but go ahead.
What do you do?
You weren't listening?
What do you do?
How do you memorize?
How do you memorize?
How do you memorize?
I can't memorize.
I can't memorize things, like, because in each strip we get each week, there
may be,
there's like six, seven hundred words.
Wow.
And you have to say them in order.
You know what I mean?
That's really hard.
That ain't easy.
What is it like on the set of that show with you?
What is it like?
Well, what do you mean?
What do you mean?
What do I mean?
Well, because you're so average.
She thinks you're working.
Well, I'm just saying it's hard to memorize.
We're not walking around the set going, hey, you know.
So what are you doing?
So what are you doing?
You're being incredible about that.
I know.
I love your show.
It's a great show.
It's a great show.
I have a question.
No, what I do is I try to, like, sometimes, if you watch the show,
sometimes you'll see, like, I'll forget mine.
You have to watch it, too.
You have to watch it, too.
Not just have you on, we have to watch it.
You have to watch the show, yeah.
Oh, okay, okay.
No, but sometimes, sometimes, jeez, this is a long minute.
Sometimes, sometimes, like, if you watch the show, you'll notice,
sometimes maybe during the show, there'll be, like,
maybe something, like, sometimes, like, 20 minutes will pass
where nobody will say anything, you know what I mean?
Because it was my line.
But there's ways to cover.
Sometimes I'll just read a newspaper.
You've admitted that you're lazy.
I think you've read six books in your life.
I've read six.
Six.
What kind of a woman would be attracted to you, do you think?
Well, I have a lot of money.
Oh.
There you go.
Oh.
There you go.
And...
There's a hit show that they just announced yesterday, when we all
transferred before the advertisers.
On November yesterday.
That's pretty news for the next year's.
Yeah, we did.
We did.
And I have forgiven you for all those takeoffs you did on all of us very
serious news people.
Oh, on the Saturday Night Live program?
On the Saturday Night Live program.
You were brilliant.
Yeah, yeah.
You were.
You were brilliant on that.
No, you were.
You really were.
Well, tell us about your garbage collecting days.
Joy's book is great.
Did you read it?
Oh, absolutely.
Thank you, Mom.
Joystick.
Say the name of the book.
I love all of it.
Joy, Joy, Joystick.
Would you...
We're coming back at the last segment.
We're talking hot topics, and we're going to be discussing Star Wars.
Do you want to stick around and join us?
Yeah, I'm going to see you.
There we go.
Thank you, Mom.
See you very well.
Oh, are you going in?
No, no, no.
You're going to come back.
Oh, okay.
You're going to come back.
Oh, okay.
And your minute is up.
Okay.
Be sure to catch The Norm Show tonight at 9:30 Eastern, right here on ABC.
Later, Barbara's showing you her eye makeup secrets.
But when we come back, find out what you do every day that can really be bad
for your health.
We'll be right back.
How does Barbara Walters get her picture-perfect peepers?
She'll show you later.
Okay.
Go, girl.
We're with her.
We're with her.
We're with her.
All of us sitting here, instead of being at home.
Anyhow.
So, unless you've been living under a rock, Star Wars, I do not understand why
people stand in line for days and days and days and days.
They can't see the movie in two weeks.
I mean, they don't have jobs in any event.
So, I went to see Star Wars.
I have never seen any of the Star Wars.
And I felt terrible about it until I learned that you've never seen it.
I never saw.
I never saw the first one.
No, I never saw any of them.
You never saw any of them?
No, I never saw any of them.
No, I never saw any of them.
No, I never saw any of them.
No, I never saw any of them.
No, I never saw any of them.
No, I never saw any of them.
No, I never saw any of them.
No, I never saw any of them.
No, I never saw any of them.
No, I never saw any of them.
No, I never saw any of them.
No, I never saw any of them.
No, I never saw any of them.
No, I never saw any of them.
No, I never saw any of them.
I never saw any of them.
No, I never saw any of them.
I don't like those science fiction because my dad always hated them.
And you know how you try to be what your dad, you try to be?
You know what I mean?
And I remember when I was a kid, I watched that Twilight Zone.
You remember that show?
Yeah.
And oh my God, my dad hated it because it was too fantastical.
And he thought I should be doing the chores.
I remember one time me and my brother were watching Star Wars.
Oh, my son boys have never seen Star Wars.
Ten weeks later.
Go on.
That's norm.
Go on.
I mean, we only have two more minutes.
Just give me a little back story.
But me and my brother were watching The Twilight Zone.
And then my dad walked by and we were watching.
And we were all excited about this Twilight Zone.
And then my dad walked by and he looked at like the screen and he said,
"I suppose this one's a goddamn ghost."
Oh, well that was funny.
Okay.
Anyway, we're going to give our quick review.
So, I had never seen it.
I thought all of them, you know, the mechanical figures and all of that,
I thought that was fine, you know?
But it was okay.
What did you think?
Well, I tell you, I did love the pod race.
That's the best part.
There's this race in the middle of it.
I'm a big Star Wars fan because Harrison Ford.
What about Billy Dee Williams?
I bet you like him.
I bet you like him.
Based back in the day with the real original Star Wars.
Yeah, I hear there was a way better.
Yes, with my man Harrison Ford playing Han Solo.
Now, that was in Star Wars.
Now, I have to tell you a confession, Barbara.
I fell asleep for ten full minutes in this Star Wars.
I haven't had a confession.
I was watching it.
What happened?
I did too.
You did?
I have to go to Star Wars.
No, you know what?
I'm not interested.
You know what happened?
You know what happened when she fell asleep?
Meredith's husband had sex with her.
Yes?
Yes?
You might get a little of that if you weren't so busy fondling these action
figures.
I mean, what are you talking about?
No, well, you know what?
There's a psychiatrist.
Is it from Harvard?
I think it is.
Who's been studying these figures and noticed that their muscles are getting
bigger.
And boys have body images.
They don't talk about it, but they do body image problems.
And part of it is because of these action figures.
They see these and they want to look like them when they get bigger.
Now they have the same problems as girls.
So what are you doing with that poor action figure?
Oh, I'm fighting.
I am Tom Glavin.
I will beat you.
Did you ever have a body image problem?
Yeah, because I'm really, really thin, so I always wear like lots of clothes
because
I'm ashamed of my thinness.
No, seriously?
Yeah, look, you can put your whole hand around my wrist.
See how tiny it is?
Most boys are built thin.
That's not good for a boy.
I mean, if you have a look like